World e-Wrestling Rag 2009 Awards Show
Hack’s Rusty Nail Saloon
Wauseon, OH
Tuesday January 12th, 2010
Host: Johnny Suave (PCW)
Suave: “Hello and welcome to the 2009 WWR End of the Year e-Wrestling Awards show. I am Johnny Suave from Political Championship Wrestling and tonight we are honoring the best of the best. The ones who’ve put countless hours into writing roleplays, writing angles, and most importantly writing matches. And then there’s the federations who crank out great shows after great shows each and every week. Tonight is their night. Let’s get right to it…
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BEST RING ENTRANCE
There are great ring entrances and then there are GREAT ring entrances. This is a GREAT ring entrance.
(Source: Sin City Championship Wrestling)
Suddenly, we hear the sounds of screechy keyboard playing a very simple chord structure that sounds like this: BEEEEEE BEEEEEE BEEEEEE BOOOP BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BEEEE BEEEE BOOOOP. David Liebe Hart and the alien puppet on his lap begin to slightly sway back and forth, not in any sort of rhythm, however…which makes it look awkward.
There is a man and he comes from Zarflon
He has got a dog and it is really from space
They landed on the Earth to make some new friends
And then they ate a piece of pizza.
“RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Myers: Coming down the aisle and weighing in at one-hundred seventy five pounds, or forty nine SPACE POUNDS…
And with this, out come none other than our friend and his furry partner in crime to a big fat Motown welcome! Sporting his metallic silver wrestling outfit, complete with orange shaker-style tassels on the boots and wrists (hello, 1987) both he, Quasar, and the very lovely Mackenzie Malone make their way down the ramp and onto the entrance aisle, soaking in the adoration. Quasar has become quite the slut and makes sure to stay close to the barricade so that everyone gets a chance to pet him (read: feed him popcorn treats) while Spacely smiles and slaps five with the Motor City faithful. Mackenzie is right by his side, she too waving and playing to the crowd.
Myers: He hails from Space, You Idiot on the Planet Zarflon…and is accompanied to the ring by Quasar and Mackenzie Malone…
Up on the SinScreen, the puppet now begins to move his mouth, and a sound resembling a 40-year smoker is David Liebe Hart’s portrayal of the alien’s voice. The camera periodically fades back to show that Hart is making no attempts whatsoever at being a REAL ventriloquist, as his lips move along as if he were speaking himself.
There is a man and he comes from Zarflon
He has got a dog and it is really from space
He is a foreigner and he has a green card
And he doesn’t try to score on the first date.
Myers: He is the FUN-SIZED PHOTON…the HULK HOGAN OF THE HEAVENS… He ISSSSSSS SPAAAAAAAAAACEEEEEEEEEEE-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
————–
BEST RING ENTRANCE OF 2009:
SPACELY FROM SIN CITY CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING!
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BEST ANNOUNCER
-Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell- High Octane Wrestling
-Johnny Suave- Political Championship Wrestling
-Ryan Antonelli- Simcoe County
Tessa Martin: “Hello, I’m Tessa Martin, the former Extreme Pizza Delivery Girl’ from PCW and Dream Wrestling. Our next category features the ones who tie the shows together, who describe the action, and in Benny Newell’s case- have major stock options in Jack Daniels. These are the announcers, the ones who can take an ordinary match to a different level, the ones who can take a great match and turn it into something to remember. Our two finalists are:”
Ryan Antonelli- Simcoe County:
Ryan Antonelli: Jerzey needs to end this tonight, end McCarthy. Paddy Cakes is a dead man tonight Wilkins… Jerzey looks determined and pissed. Death awaits the former Saint of Simcoe! Ha ha ha.
Tessa: “Antonelli is the heel’s heel announcer.”
Ryan Antonelli – Here comes the wannabe, Matt Michaels. Nobody can stop Aaron Blaize, he shouldn’t such an idiot and think he can!
Johnny Wilkins – Well you’re opinion’s solely based on stats; believe me Ryan, statistics can mean nothing when it’s down to two men fighting in a ring.
Ryan Antonelli – Yeah, but Aaron’s not facing a real man!
—-
Tessa: “He is the instigator, the spice that makes Simcoe’s Monday Night Aggression an entertaining read every week.”
Johnny Wilkins – I don’t believe it! Fake bills? The Unholy Trinity were trying to bribe people with fake $100 bills?
Ryan Antonelli - How many times do I have to tell you, the Trinity were not trying to bribe anyone. Those bills were going to go to the West side Children’s Orphanage to replace the Monopoly(tm) money that got destroyed in a fire they had.
Johnny Wilkins - Again, am I supposed to believe that? First you say it’s real money that they got from cashing checks, now it’s fake money that was destined for starving orphans? You must really think I’m dumb, don’t you.
Ryan Antonelli - That’s the general consensus.
Johnny Suave- Political Championship Wrestling
Spike Saunders (Fans Wrestling Organization): “Best Announcer?
Johnny Suave- Political Championship Wrestling”
Suave: “Friday night, a shocking and disturbing incident took place at a Sarah Palin book signing…”
SARAH PALIN BOOK SIGNING
Suave (voiceover): Palin was signing books when this happened.”
Three masked men barged their way to the front of the line. The first man removed his mask.
Suave (voiceover): “THAT’S RIGHT! IT’S LEVI JOHNSTON…”
Johnston takes one of the books and clubs Palin in the side of the head with it. Then the other two take their masks off.
Suave: “…AND MSNBC’S KEITH OLBERMANN AND HIS PALIN-HATING SIDEKICK SHANNYN MOORE! (if you don’t know who Shannyn Moore is- click here)”
Olbermann and Moore pile a stack of Palin’s book ‘Going Rogue’ on the table. Johnston pushes a dazed Palin to the floor. Then he reaches into his pocket and lights a match. A huge fireball appears and torches the books.
Suave: “THAT’S RIGHT! LEVI JOHNSTON, WHO’S CASHING IN ON THE ‘HATE-PALIN’ SENTIMENTS AMONG THE LEFT, USED A FIREBALL AND SET HER BOOKS ON FIRE! OLBERMANN, WHO FLATLY REFUSES TO APPEAR IN A PCW ARENA BEFORE EVERYTIME HE DOES, HE GETS CHOKE-SLAMMED BY THE EXTREME EQUALIZER WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT, KICKS AWAY AT PALIN WHILE MOORE, WHO SEEMS TO HAVE AS MUCH OF A GRADE SCHOOL CRUSH ON PALIN AS OLBERMANN DOES, JOINS IN!”
*The opening riffs to Def Leppard’s ‘Rock, Rock Til You Drop play*
Suave: “IT’S THE EXTREME EQUALIZER- WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!”
A lane opens up among the people in line and WTF races to the table. Olbermann’s eyes light up when he sees WTF coming and he quickly scurries out the back. Moore also makes a quick exit leaving Levi Johnston to face the Extreme Equalizer. WTF grabs him by the throat…lifts…and WHAM! Right through the burning table.
Crowd in line: “PCW!…PCW!…PCW!…”
Tessa: “Johnny is the voice of reason when it comes to PCW’s warring factions- the Republicans and the Democrats. He also calls a good match as well.”
Suave: “Collar-and-elbow tie-up by both men, Big Oil powers Loade to the corner but we get a clean break. Go behind by Big Oil, reverse into a hammerlock by Loade, Big Oil powers out. Whip to the ropes…drop toehold by Big Oil into a front facelock. Loade escapes and goes with an arm wringer, back to the hammerlock, Big Oil again powers up…fireman’s carry into a body slam. Nice little sequence there and Earl Loade looks ready for a fight.”
They stare each other down, lock up again and Big Oil applies a top wristlock.
Suave: “Big Oil with a top wristlock…Loade counters to a hammerlock again, now Big Oil counters himself to a hammerlock…snap mare on Loade. Big Oil goes to a headscissors. Loade gets out. Side headlock, but Big Oil throws him off. Loade with a football tackle. Big Oil sprawls, leapfrogs, and hits a hip block takeover. Big Oil with his own side headlock now, Loade throws him off, off the ropes Big Oil hits a shoulder tackle. Loade sprawls, leapfrogs…hip block takeover attempt blocked by Big Oil. He spins around and goes for his own, but Loade lands on his feet.”
Tessa: “Which means the Announcer of the Year goes to- Joe Hoffman and Benny Newell from High Octane Wrestling! Here’s a clip of a match that took place right after Benny found out his car had been vandalized outside in the parking lot.”
Back live and Joe and Benny welcome the viewing audience back to the show as Stricken by Disturbed hits and Scottywood and Johnny Stevens make their way out onto the Best Arena stage accompanied by Frankie the Cameraman and Kelly Fisher for the first match of the evening.
Bryan McVay: Coming down the aisle weighting in at a combined weight of 508lbs… the team of Scottywood and Johnny Stevens…. TWISTED REALITY!
The group makes their way to the ring amongst boos from the crowd.
Joe Hoffman: Well it would seem that Twisted Reality isn’t being well received here by the Turmoil fans.
Benny Newell: Who cares about any of that!? Did you not see what just happened to my car!? I need a fuckin’ drink.
Benny takes out his flask as Twisted Reality steps into the ring and their music is soon replaced by “Pain” by Three Days Grace.
Bryan McVay: And their opponents, from Reno Nevada. Weighting in at a combined weight of 606lbs, the team of Jason Midnight and Tyson Ross… THE BROTHERS OF THE BEAST!
Jason Midnight and Tyson Ross make their way to the ring without their other member Jacob Morgan, and we cut away from the ring and focus on Hoffman and Newell and Benny appears to be holding his phone in one hand and his flask in the other.
Joe Hoffman: I don’t know if I will ever be able to get over the size of Jason Midnight…. the guy is huge!
Benny Newell: …..
Joe Hoffman: Benny, don’t you have anything to say about The Brothers of the Beast?
Benny Newell: Shut up, I’m trying to call my insurance company.
Joe Hoffman: Benny we have a match to call.
Benny Newell: …..
Joe Hoffman: Well it looks like I might be on my own for this one, and it looks like we’re ready for action in the ring.
We cut back to the ring to see all four wrestlers standing in the middle of the ring face to face. Well except for when it comes to Midnight and Johnny Stevens as Jason Midnight towers over him, so it’s more like face to chin. Joel Hortega is able to separate the two teams and Scottywood and Jason Midnight exit the ring as Hortega calls for the bell.
Stevens and Ross circle each other and hook up in a collar and elbow tie up and Stevens backs Ross up into a neutral corner and Hortega moves in between the stars to separate them. Ross raises his arms straight up in the air and as Stevens backs away Johnny decks Tyson right in the face but behind the back of Joel Hortega.
Joe Hoffman: Well it certainly didn’t take long for Twisted Reality to cheat.
Benny Newell: Benny Newell.
Joe Hoffman: Is there actually someone in the office at this hour?
Benny Newell: Do you mind? Can’t you see I’m on the fucking telephone?
Johnny Stevens pulls Tyson Ross out of the corner and to the middle of the ropes and whips him across the ring. Ross bounces off the ropes and Stevens drops his head for a back body drop but Tyson Ross runs up and punts Johnny Stevens in the face. Stevens falls down and Ross begins to work him over on the canvas with a series of stomps to the sternum. Tyson Ross then tags in Jason Midnight and exits the ring. Midnight stands over the downed Stevens and bends down and grabs him by the head with both hands and then pulls him up off the canvas and backs him into the corner by Tyson Ross. Midnight puts Johnny’s arms over the top rope and holds a finger up to his mouth telling the crowd to shh. Midnight then raises his arm high into the air and brings a hard chop down across Johnny Stevens chest.
Joe Hoffman: What an incredible chop there by Jason Midnight.
Benny Newell: I think that chop was so hard it’s going to cause a Tsunami in Cleveland.
Joe Hoffman: Oh are you joining us now Benny?
Benny Newell: Ok I’ve got to press five…. no I’m busy!
Johnny Stevens stumbles out of the corner and right into a Bear Hug by Jason Midnight. Midnight holds Stevens in the bear hug position and he drops down onto the canvas on top of Johnny Stevens. Midnight gets up with Stevens while still holding onto the bear hug and again slams him down to the canvas. Midnight repeats this for a third time just for good measure.
Joe Hoffman: What a series of Bear hug bombs!
Benny Newell: Press four…
Jason Midnight once again picks Stevens up from the canvas while holding onto the bear hug but finally places Stevens feet on the canvas, but only so he can belly to belly suplex Johnny Stevens who luckily tags in Scottywood unbeknownst to Midnight. Scottywood runs to the neutral corner and climbs the turnbuckle as Midnight was towards the downed Johnny Stevens who just rolled out of the ring. Midnight notices Scotty is no longer in the corner and turns around just in time to be caught with a missile dropkick which sends the big man off of his feet.
Joe Hoffman: Scotty needs to take advantage of Midnight being off of his feet right here.
Benny Newell: Dammit, I just want to talk to a person!
Scotty quickly attempts to put Midnight in a Texas Cloverleaf but Midnight powers out by kicking Scottywood halfway across the ring. Both competitors get to their feet and Scotty charges at Midnight with a should block which does absolutely nothing. Midnight looks at Scotty and then choke slams him down to the mat and then Midnight tags back out to Tyson Moss.
Joe Hoffman: I’m not sure why Midnight just tagged out there. He was pretty much having his way with Twisted Reality.
Benny Newell: If you press zero enough don’t you normally get a customer service representative?
Joe Hoffman: Not always.
Benny Newell: What do you know anyhow?
Tyson Ross bends down to grab Scottywood but Scotty was playing possum and quickly hooks Ross in a small package and Joel Hortega drops down to count the pin.
UNO
DOS
Kick out by Ross.
Joe Hoffman: That was a close call there for the Brothers of the Beast. Scotty was playing possum and almost snuck out a win for his team.
Benny Newell: Ah shit… you mean I’m missing Scottywood?
Joe Hoffman: Well you wouldn’t be missing him if you were doing your job.
Benny Newell: You know what? When someone destroys your car I will let you take care of it while I carry the load ok?
Joe Hoffman: Really?
Benny Newell: No you gullible fuck.
After the kick out both competitors quickly return to their feet and Ross runs toward Scottywood who nails a spine-buster on Ross sending him back down to the mat. The effects of the spine-buster quickly wear off as Ross is right back up to his feet only to get a kick to the gut and a double arm DDT from Scottywood for his efforts. Scotty covers Ross again.
UNO
Midnight begins to step over the top rope.
DOS
Midnight enters the ring.
Kick out by Tyler Ross.
Joe Hoffman: It looks like Midnights height might be a huge disadvantage in this match when it comes to him getting into the ring quickly to break up pin falls.
Midnight doesn’t leave the ring as he grabs Scottywood and lifts him into the air with a double handed choke slam but is quickly clipped from behind by Johnny Stevens sending Midnight and Scotty toppling to the ground. Stevens grabs Midnight by the leg and drags him to the edge of the ring leaving Midnight in the ring but his legs hanging out under the bottom rope. Stevens then proceeds to slam the leg of Midnight into the ring apron repeatedly.
Joe Hoffman: The referee is losing all control of this matchup.
Benny Newell: Yes Hello? I finally got someone!
Joe Hoffman: Congratulations Benny.
Benny Newell: Hello? Hello? What the fuck!? I just dropped the call!
Ross gets to his feet and runs over and kicks Stevens in the head freeing Midnight who rolls out under the bottom rope. Ross turns around and Scottywood nails a clothesline sending Tyler Ross over the top rope and to the ground. Kelly Fisher moves away from the action as she surely doesn’t want to see a repeat from Rumble at the Rock.
Joe Hoffman: Yeah you better get out of there Kelly.
Benny Newell: She can come over here. I could use a drinking partner.
Scotty vaults himself over the top rope and out onto Jason Midnight who catches him and then rams him back first into the ring post. Tyler Ross gets to his feet and rolls back into the ring as Midnight tosses Scotty back in as well and Ross quickly covers Scotty.
UNO
DOS
Stevens appears from nowhere and breaks up the pin attempt.
Joe Hoffman: A close call there for Twisted Reality.
Benny Newell: Don’t get your panties in a wad Hoffman. Twisted Reality has this one in the bag.
Ross gets up to tag in Midnight and when he does Scotty rolls across the ring and tags in Johnny Stevens. Midnight instantly picks Stevens up for a choke slam but Stevens pokes Midnight in the eye with his thumb and Midnight drops Stevens. Johnny Stevens takes the opportunity to bounce off the ropes but as he comes back the temporarily blinded Midnight still is able to land a big boot to the face. Midnight is extremely annoyed by the cheap shot taken by Stevens and Midnight hoists Stevens onto his shoulders. Not liking what he is watching Scottywood readies himself to enter the ring. Midnight in the meantime drives Johnny Stevens to the mat with The Final Toll. Scotty enters the ring as Hortega drops to register the pin.
UNO
DOS
Scotty is speared by Tyler Ross as he went to break up the pin.
TRES!
Bryan McVay: Here are your winners, Jason Midnight & Tyler Ross… THE BROTHERS OF THE BEAST!!!!
2009 BEST ANNOUNCERS OF THE YEAR
JOE HOFFMAN AND BENNY NEWELL- HIGH OCTANE WRESTLING
————————
Best RP/Writer
-Mike Polowy- Hostility and Dream Wrestling Federation
-Georgie Nickles- Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation, Phoenix Wrestling Revolution, and the Experts
-Level One- Action Packed Wrestling, Dream Wrestling Federation, and The Experts
Suave comes back on stage clapping his hands.
Suave: “Congratulations Joe and Benny. I’m sure Benny will be drinking a few in celebration tonight…probably more than that actually. Okay, to introduce our next categories are the Missouri Valley Wrestling champion, Amy Martin aka…Miss USA! And from Political Championship Wrestling’s Island of Misfit Wrestlers- Bob Nye- the Foot Fetish Guy.”
Miss USA walks out with Nye who, coincidentally, can’t keep his eyes off her feet.
Miss USA: “Our next category is Best RP/writer of the year. As you all know, writing roleplays is the lifeblood of a good RP Federation. These three incredibly talented writers are at the top of their game…………Bob? Where you’d go?”
She looks down.
Miss USA: “BOB! NOT NOW! Leave my feet alone and tell everyone who the three nominees are!”
Nye: “Oh. Sorry. *ahem* Level-One of Action Packed Wrestling held not one, not two, but three different crowns in 2009: the APW Title, the DWF World Title, and the True Experts title.”
http://www.ewexperts.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=78&t=3641
Nye: “Georgie Nickles made her mark in 2009 at the Experts Rival Factions by defeating Level-One for the True Experts title.”
http://www.ewexperts.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=78&t=3641
Nye: “Mike Polowy not only shook up Hostility as a member of the Industry with his uber heel persona but then went to Dream Wrestling Federation and took it to a whole different level.”
http://www.dreamwrestling.com/content.php?p=rp&rp=288
Miss USA: “And the winner is……..BOB! LEAVE MY FEET ALONE! *sigh* And the winner is….
BEST RP/WRITER OF THE YEAR
GEORGIE NICKLES- TFWF, PWR, AND THE EXPERTS
—————-
Angle of the Year
-Global Division of Wrestling: Sufferage- the battle for control of GDW
-Dream Wrestling Federation: Mike Polowy/DWF Women’s Title
-Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation vs. Phoenix Wrestling Revolution: heel turn by Brandon Watkins in February leads to a massive inter fed PPV in September
Miss USA: “And now, Best Angle of the Year. There’s nothing quite like a good angle to keep readers coming back. The best angle will not only pit two nearly equal forces against each other in a pitched battle for supremacy, but it will also tell a great story in the process.”
Nye: “The following three angles best personify how a great angle is put together. Here are our two finalists:
Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation vs. Phoenix Wrestling Revolution: heel turn by Brandon Watkins in February leads to a massive inter fed PPV in September
(Source: TFWF)
[FLASHBACK: EARLY 2009...THE MAN KNOWN AS BRANDON WATKINS TURNS ON HIS OWN CIVIL UNREST MEMBERS BECOMING ONE OF THE MORE HATED WRESTLERS IN THE T.F.W.F., THE FLASHBACK FLIPS TO SHOW SOME OF THE MONUMENTOUS ACHIEVEMENTS WATKINS AT THIS TIME IS MAKING IN PWR AS THE OWNER...FLASHBACK TO THE T.F.W.F. AND THE TEMPER TANTRUM AND THREATS WATKINS HAS AT DEATH OR GLORY 2009 LEVELLING THEN CEO THE MANAGEMENT WITH AN ULTIMATIUM...FURTHER FLIPPED FLASHBACK SHOWS THE LEVEL OF COMMITTMENT WATKINS HAS BROUGHT TO PWR AND LIVING UP TO THE NAME OF BRINGING THE FEDERATION FROM THE ASHES...FINALLY THE TIRRADE THAT WATKINS GOES ON REVEALING THE SECRET UNDERHANDED DEAL HE HAD WITH THE MANAGEMENT AND NOW HOW HE IS HELL BENT ON SCREWING THE T.F.W.F. INTO THE GROUND! THE DRAMATIC RETURN OF IAN MONKS TO ACTION TO SAVE THE PROMOTION HE HELPED BUILD AS IT BEGINS TO GO UNDER...THE INVASION OF THE LIKES OF CORY HATRED, NICK STEVENSON AND WHAT EVENTUALLY WOULD BECOME TEAM PWR IS SHOWN AS WE FLIP TO THE COUNTER INVASION BY T.F.W.F. STARS ON JUSTICE. THE FINALE OF THE FLASH BACK SHOWS THE ANNOUNCEMENTS BY MONKS AND WATKINS OF THIS JOINT PPV...HARD STEEL: REVOLUTION RISING...SEPTEMBER 14TH FROM CHICAGO, ILLINOIS THE UNITED CENTRE. A RUN DOWN OF THE RESPECTIVE FEDERATION AND INTERFEDERATION MATCHES ARE SHOWN.]
Dream Wrestling Federation: Mike Polowy/DWF Women’s Title
(Source: DWF)
REPLAY: DWF Monday Night Slaughter- August 10th
“I give up, I give up!” MPlow mockingly whines, his voice filled with a false fear. “Come on Tessa, we’re all friends here… no reason to hurt the man who is responsible for your coming out of retirement.”
He takes a step backwards, gesturing towards Tessa as they exchange a banter that can’t be heard over the microphone.
“Besides,” He continues, with a wink. “I’m the welcome wagon around here when it comes to my division, Tessa. It’s great to see you here, in fact. Nice to see those legs not stuck behind a sports desk… nice to see you giving those tits a chance to get some air for once. I’m here to welcome you. You might not be my biggest fan, according to the last few episodes of EWTorchcenter I took a gander at, but I *am* the Women’s Champion around here, so you could at least show me a little respect.”
Before he can continue, Tessa rips the microphone from his hands, giving him a solid shove backwards that sends the crowd into a frenzy! Polowy looks shocked himself, being on the recieving end of some of the first female offense since his Women’s Title “victory”.
“Respect?” Ms. Martin begins, the crowd firmly behind her. “You wanna talk to me about respect, Mike? For the last several weeks, I’ve seen nothing but disrespect from you. You disrespect your opponents, you disrespect the women of the Dream Wrestling Federation, you disrespect it’s fans and you disrespect yourself. So please don’t talk to me about respect. And that title you’re wearing, so proudly? I wouldn’t go staying too attached to it, Mike.”
He scoffs, as the crowd in the background continues to cheer on The Pizza Delivery Girl. Not wanting to continue swapping microphones, he walks to the side of the ring and gets one from the timekeeper, snatching it quickly and tapping a few times to assure that it’s turned on.
“You think you know me, Tessa?” He begins, his voice suddenly growing much more hostile. It isn’t the cool, casual MPlow that the DREAM fans have grown accustomed to, but instead another glimpse into the Michael Polowy who ruthlessly assaulted Lady America just a few weeks ago. “You think you understand a god damned thing about me? You think you can just walk into DREAM after sitting behind a desk for the last few months and change me? YOU THINK YOU FU[BLEEP]ING KNOW ME ANYMORE, LISA?!”
He thrusts forward, arms first, shoving Tessa into the turnbuckle, but before he can continue the assault, he stops dead in his tracks. The look on his face much matches the one on Tessa’s, who does not look scared, but simply confused. The fans in attendance fall nearly silent, as the look on Polowy’s face quickly turns from shock to horror as he realizes what he just said.
REPLAY: Tuesday Night Insomnia- August 11th
Polowy: Last night, as I know everyone is aware, I had a confrontation with Tessa Martin at Slaughter which almost turned physical. She had been quite critical of the way I do things around here, and I took a situation that existed in my personal life and I let it get the best of me in the ring. So I’d like to apologize for almost snapping last night, and becoming physical with Ms. Martin.”
For the first time since his induction into the Dream Wrestling Federation, the arena begins a low cheer for the Women’s Champion. His face doesn’t seem to change much at first, but over a few seconds a warm smile comes over his face, as his eyes begin to well up with tears.
“You see,” he continues, the volume of his voice beginning to rise. “I apologize, because I held back. I wholeheartedly apologize to Tessa Martin for NOT destroying her personal personal pan pizza box with the stiffest hot and ready goddamn soccer kick! she’s ever felt in her life!”
The warm smile on his face quickly re-freezes, his icy demeanor showing its true colors with a sadistic sneer. The crowd boos even harder than they had before, duped by such a pathetic trick on the part of wrestling’s most notorious dilettante.
“As the DWF Women’s Champion,” he continues, ignoring the sudden turncoat from the fans. “I have a job to do. I have a responsibility… a duty to defend my championship and my honor from week to week, even if it means handing out laced up hysterectomies on every continent I step foot on. And last night, I denied my responsibility. I stood in the ring with two of the most disrespectful, ungrateful women ever to lace up a pair of boots and call themselves wrestlers, and I had a chance to deliver a little bit of judgment. But instead, I let a few memories from my childhood get in the way, and I didn’t do the job that needed to be done. But I assure you, Tessa and Dawn… and I assure you, fans of the DWF worldwide, that it will NEVER. Happen. Again. From this point forward, where I walk, there will be slaughter. Where I fight, there will be fear. And from this moment on, where there is Michael Polowy, there will be a kind of justice the women of this world will never forget. Husbands, lock up your wives… MPlow is back.”
Miss USA: “And the winner of the 2009 Best Angle of the Year Award goes to…Global Division of Wrestling- Suffrage- the battle for control of GDW!”
Replay: from GDW Purgatory, July 2009
(We cut back to ringside area. The camera pans around to show the fans in the arena. Then we cut to show Jim Bishop standing inside the ring.)
Jim Bishop: Ladies and gentlemen please welcome the President of Global Division of Wrestling, KAYLA JONES!!!!!!!
“Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence begins to echo throughout the arena. The crowd begins to cheer for this signals the coming of Kayla Redfield. Kayla steps out onto the stage to greet her fans. Kayla continues to take in the cheering and applause as she makes her way down towards the ring. Kayla slides into the ring from underneath the bottom rope and then she hops up onto the second turnbuckle, facing the crowd, and raising both arms up high in the air. Kayla then hops down off the turnbuckle and gets a microphone.
Kayla: I would like to begin by welcoming each and every one of you to GDW Purgatory 2009!
The crowd roars with excitement. Kayla pauses momentarily to let the crowd reaction die down before she continues.
Kayla: As I said before on Friday Night Fever, I have watched things here in GDW deteriorate since I’ve been gone. This company has been on a serious downhill slide and its time I put a halt to it. Top stars like Glory Braddock are losing their minds. We have other top stars like Charles Kessler and Joey Michaels hell bent on destroying each other. Then we have individuals like Meagan Collins kidnapping other superstars with some sick twisted sense of revenge in her heart. All of this is bad for business. Unfortunately it had already spiraled out of control by the time I made my return and there was nothing much I could do to contain it.
Kayla sighs, lowering her microphone. She then raises her microphone and begins again.
Kayla: I am the President of GDW. It is my duty to ensure that things here in this great company remain stable and that we continue to make money. But I ask you this, what would happen if Jake Storm and Meagan Collins crippled one another? Or what would happen if Joey Michaels and Charles Kessler crippled one another? Well it would be bad for business. But as I said, I made my return and these individuals were already out to destroy one another and I could do nothing about it. It really left me with no alternative. If these major league stars wanted to annihilate one another then I’ll gladly give them that opportunity here tonight, which is why I booked Purgatory to be an all extreme rules pay per view. Glory Braddock and Carrie Storm will get the chance to settle their issues tonight in an Drunken Irish Pub Strap Match….Jake Storm will get his chance to get payback on Meagan Collins in his street fight tonight…….and Joey Michaels will get one last shot at retribution when he faces Charles Kessler for the world heavyweight championship inside of a steel cage!
The crowd cheers loudly upon hearing Kayla’s announcement about the extreme rules tonight.
Kayla: However, I also realize that one night of extreme rules, one match apiece for these individuals who hate one another, will not be enough to satisfy their craving for blood. There is only one match in GDW history that has proven to be the end…..only one match that could take several of these aforementioned individuals and settle their disputes once and for all……
Kayla lowers the microphone. The crowd gets loud in anticipation of what Kayla is about to say. She raises the microphone back up to her lips and is about to speak.
Kayla: ………THE APOCALYPSE MATCH!
The crowd roars loudly with excitement. Kayla simply grins, nodding her head.
Kayla: That’s right. GDW will host another Apocalypse Match but for this match to bring order to this company, it will have to be taken up a notch. Also the landscape in GDW will have to be altered by this match. Which is why I have decided that at our next pay per view Game Over, six GDW superstars will compete in the Apocalypse Match!
The crowd begins to cheer again at the prospects of six GDW superstars in an Apocalypse Match.
Kayla: Whoa, hold on there folks! I’m not done yet. As far as specifically who will be competing in this match, I can tell you right now that three of those six will be our three singles champions….the World Heavyweight Champion, the Revolution Champion, and the Fever Television Champion. That is because all three belts will be on the line in this one match!
The fans in attendance once again blow the roof off the arena.
Kayla: Each belt will be placed inside of a briefcase and suspended above the triple tiered cage. The object of the match will be to climb to the top of the third cage, by going outside and climbing the walls or by retrieving ladders underneath the ring and going up through trapdoors located within the triple tier cage. Once at the top you must take down one and only one of the briefcases and then make it back to the floor. If someone steals your briefcase before you reach the floor……
Kayla shrugs her shoulders.
Kayla: ….oh well, sucks to be you. Once three individuals have taken the briefcases to the floor below the match will end and whatever championship is contained in that briefcase becomes YOUR championship. I will make one another announcement about this match. There is a man on the roster who has yet to receive a one on one rematch for the Revolution Championship nor has the booking committee granted one simple request that he asked. Therefore I think it is only fair that I reward his patience by placing him in this contest. MYSTIC WILL BE ONE OF THE SIX INDIVIDUALS COMPETING IN THE APOCALYPSE MATCH!
(Suddenly the arena lights dim a little. Then “Voices” by Revolution Theory begins to play over the PA system.)
I hear voices in my head they council me, they understand, they talk to me
(Images of Meagan Collins posing up on the entrance ramp and in the ring are shown. Video of Meagan nailing various superstars with The Bitter Pill is shown.)
You got your rules and your religion all designed to keep your safe
But when rules start getting broken you start questioning your faith
(Meagan Collins steps out onto the stage to a chorus of boos from the fans. She holds her right arm and out steps Angela Jameson, standing next to her on stage. Meagan holds out her left arm and then Glory Braddock steps out standing on the other side of Meagan. The trio ignores the fans’ booing, though, for they are beneath her. She poses on the stage for a brief moment before beginning to descend the entrance ramp towards the ring.)
I have a voice that is my savior, hates to love and loves to hate
I have a voice that has the knowledge and the power to rule your fate
(Meagan, Glory, and Angela step up the ring steps and onto the ring apron. Meagan then raises her arms high up into the air in a pose as more boos are showered upon her. She steps inside the ring.)
Meagan: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Who gives a damn about that homeless hick Mystic when I have a much bigger announcement to make here tonight. You see, Angela and I are no longer alone in our struggle for power within this company. We are joined by the newest member of Suffrage and the reigning GDW Fever Television Champion, GLORY BRADDOCK!!!!!!!
The fans boo loudly at this announcement while Glory grins.
Meagan: What you see before you, Kayla, is a new era, not just a new era of Suffrage but of GDW itself. What I have done is take Suffrage, a vision shaped by Emma Frost and your sister Angelica Jones, and I have improved upon it. The way Frost and Angelica focused only on women’s rights, well it weakened the group. Oh don’t get me wrong, Suffrage was most certainly effective and dominant but it could’ve done so much more had it not had such an isolated goal. This new Suffrage group is all about the right of anyone, man or woman, to be represented equally by the governing authority in GDW. And since Mike Michaels has been all but castrated and is nothing more than a figurehead now, the governing authority is……..
Meagan points a finger at Kayla.
Meagan: …..you!
Kayla rolls her eyes.
Kayla: I assume this is actually going somewhere, Meagan?
Meagan: Oh it is. You see, what you did out here is a perfect illustration of what we are talking about. Look at the insanity you are about to bring to GDW. Six GDW superstars in the most hellacious match ever? God knows what will happen! Angelica Jones broke Emma Frost’s back in that match and you ended Monoxide’s wrestling career in that match. Do you really want to see that happen to one or more of your talent? Think of how bad that would be for business? Or do you even care? You’re just sadistic. Your career has been put to a near halt thanks to your neck injury and you want to see someone else in that same position.
Meagan points a finger at Kayla again.
Meagan: We don’t like how you’ve decided to run things around here. We think we could a much better job.
Kayla: Well that’s too bad, Megs, because I’m not about to give up this position anytime soon.
Meagan laughs.
Meagan: I thought you’d say that. But you don’t really have to. The fact is that your own policies will make it easy for us to take power from you. And believe me, Kayla, we will take power from you. It may be a slow process over a period of time but we will take your power from you piece by piece until you have nothing left in this company but your health and then we might just take that from you as well.
Kayla frowns.
Kayla: Are you threatening me, Collins? Believe me, you don’t want me as an enemy.
Meagan: Its more than a threat, Kayla. I’m sick of you, Suffrage is sick of you, and we are going to stop you. We are going to be your end.
Kayla: Empty threats will get you nowhere, Collins. I don’t know what you are planning but it isn’t going to work. You’ve dredged up an old stable from the closet and you hope that its mere name will frighten me and others in power? If that’s what you’re doing its wrong. Suffrage was great once. Not anymore.
Meagan: And that’s where you are wrong. Suffrage will be great again thanks to me. I already told you, I am going to turn Suffrage into something bigger and better than ever. I am going to remake it into MY image! And to prove that Suffrage is new and improved, I am going to announce later tonight on this pay per view broadcast the first ever MALE member of Suffrage!
Meagan grins sadistically.
Meagan: But not before we make an example out of you.
Before Kayla can reaction Glory Braddock, who has made her way to behind Kayla, wraps her up and drops her with the Glorification (unprettier).
Marty McMahon: The newest member of Suffrage with a sneak attack on our GDW President!
Janelle: Typical tactics of Meagan Collins.
Jack Griffith: Kayla deserves this.
Janelle: How do you figure that?!
Jack Griffith: She’s the one who is prepared to put six GDW superstars through hell in that Apocalypse Match!
Angela Jameson pulls Kayla up and drops her with the Fall from Grace (f5). Angela and Glory then pick Kayla up and hold her in position so that Meagan can connect with the Bitter Pill (rko).
Marty McMahon: Each of these women have connected with their own finisher.
Jack Griffith: This is looking bad for Kayla.
Janelle: Someone needs to stop this!
Meagan gets the microphone back.
Meagan: Win, lose, or draw tonight, the fact remains that Suffrage has just fired the opening salvos in a war that we intend to win.
Meagan drops the microphone and takes a few steps back and measures Kayla as she tries to get up. Meagan then rushes in and connects with a punt kick to the head. Meagan, Angela, and Glory then celebrate inside the ring while Kayla lies unconscious on the mat.
Nye: “This angle continued on all the way through the rest of 2009 and cumulated GDW’s ‘Last Respects’ PPV in December.
Miss USA: “With a huge swerve thrown in for good measure…”
Replay: Angela Jameson vs. Glory Braddock for the GDW Heavyweight Title at GDW Last Respects, December 2009
With both ladies down the crowd suddenly erupts…..GDW President Kayla Jones is making her way down towards the ring.)
McMahon: Its Kayla Jones!
Griffith: Oh no! She will ruin this for sure!
Janelle: And how the hell do you know that?!
Griffith: She said so.
Janelle: No she didn’t. She’s here to make sure we have a world heavyweight champion and that none of Meagan’s cohorts interfere.
(Kayla slides into the ring and stands waiting as Glory and Angela slowly start to pull themselves up. They are both to their feet. Kayla glares daggers through Angela……but then she suddenly turns and strikes Glory down with a Kaylan Wind Kick.)
McMahon: What the hell?! That was blatant. That was by God blatant!
Janelle: Kayla just kicked her cousin into next week!
Griffith: I think I like this.
Janelle: Of course you would.
McMahon: Would someone explain this to me?!
(Kayla points at Glory’s fallen and demands that Angela make the cover. Angela is hesitant at first but after Kayla yells at her some more Angela finally makes the cover.)
1…
2…
…3NOOOO! GLORY KICKS OUT!
McMahon: SHE KICKED OUT! SHE KICKED OUT! SHE KICKED OUT!
Janelle: But what the hell is happening?!
Griffith: You’ll find out.
(Kayla gets up and based on the look in her eyes she appears very angry, frustrated, borderline psychotic. Kayla quickly goes outside and retrieves a sledgehammer from the bottom of the ring. She waits as Glory gets to her feet before bashing her in the head with it. Kayla then bashes her in the gut repeatedly over and over again for about 8 times before dropping the sledgehammer and yelling at Angela to once again make the cover. This time Kayla makes the count herself.)
1…
2…
…3!
Jim Bishop: Ladies and gentlemen here is your winner, and the NEW GDW World Heavyweight Champion, ANGELA JAMESON!!!!!!!!!!
McMahon: Angela Jameson is our new World Heavyweight Champion……..but why?!
Janelle: I wouldn’t know, Marty. I honestly do not know what has gotten into our President.
Griffith: She finally got smart.
(Kayla hands Angela her new world title belt. Angela reluctantly accepts it, still unsure of what happened. Just then “Voices” begins to blare over the PA system.)
“I hear voices in my hand they counsel me they understand they talk to me!”
(Meagan Collins starts to make her way down towards the ring with Shawn Atlas in tow. Both are clapping as they make their way towards the ring.)
McMahon: And now here comes the rest of Suffrage.
Janelle: I don’t like this.
Griffith: I do.
(Meagan and Shawn step into the ring. Meagan gets up close to Kayla. A tense moment passes before they finally embrace.)
McMahon: Oh…my…God….
Janelle: Meagan Collins and Kayla Jones are on the same page. The same damn page.
Griffith: WHOO HOO!
(Glory is to her feet by this time. Blood is pouring down her face from the sledgehammer shot. She tries to go after Kayla but Shawn Atlas stops her with a boot to the face and follows it up with a Storm Breaker. Shawn then picks her up and holds her tightly in position while Kayla retrieves a microphone.)
Kayla: I told you I would unite GDW and I have. I have united GDW by becoming the new co-leader of Suffrage. And as the new co-leader of Suffrage I am proud to present to you the new SUFFRAGE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, ANGELA JAMESON!!!!!!!!!
(Kayla points towards Glory.)
Kayla: As for you…….you stupid bitch, did you honestly think I would forgive you after all you did to me? I opened my heart and my home to you and you constantly derided me and made me look like a fool. It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that when it came down to you or Angela, I would choose to boot YOU out of Suffrage and to let Angela Jameson represent this company as our standard bearer. Meagan, drop her sorry ass!
(Meagan immediately leaps to her feet and snaps off The Bitter Pill [rko] on Glory Braddock.)
McMahon: The Bitter Pill!
Janelle: Stop this! Stop it, damnit!
Griffith: I don’t think anyone can stop Suffrage now.
(Suddenly the crowd comes to its feet as Angelica sprints toward the ring.)
McMahon: Maybe she can stop this!
Griffith: No!
Janelle: Yes! Angelica is here to save her cousin!
(Suffrage exits the ring immediately as Angelica enters it. Angelica goes over to Glory and helps her to her feet. She asks the former champion if she’s ok. Glory nods. An evil grin then spreads across Angelica’s face as she boots her in the gut and drills with the Hot Shot.)
McMahon: WHAT THE HELL?!
Janelle: God-damnit.
Griffith: HaHa! She’s baaaaaaaack!
(The rest of Suffrage climbs back into the ring. Angelica and Kayla embrace. Then, much to the surprise of everyone in the arena the sisters embrace with Meagan Collins.)
McMahon: I cannot believe this. Angelica and Kayla have sold their souls to the devil herself.
Janelle: But why?
Griffith: Who cares?
(Shawn Atlas brings a gas can into the ring and pours the contents over Glory Braddock’s body. Angelica then whips out a match and lights Glory on fire.)
McMahon: NO! NO! NO!
Janelle: SHE’S ON FIRE!
Griffith: This is taking too far……
(Angelica and Kayla laugh. Kayla retrieves the microphone again.)
Kayla: Do you have anything you’d like to add, sis?
(Kayla passes the microphone to Angelica.
Angel: Nothing except………THE BAND IS BACK TOGETHER!
(Meagan Collins, Angelica Jones, Kayla Jones, Angela Jameson, and Shawn Atlas all stand in the center of the ring, celebrating.)
McMahon: What a shocker. Angelica and Kayla Jones have joined Suffrage and that can only mean one thing…..Suffrage owns GDW.
Miss USA: “With the addition of Kayla and Angelica Jones to Suffrage and with Glory Braddock now on the outs, this angle will continue on into 2010.”
Nye: “Great job by a very underrated federation- Global Division of Wrestling!”
2009 BEST ANGLE OF THE YEAR
GLOBAL DIVISION OF WRESTLING: SUFFRAGE- THE BATTLE FOR CONTROL OF GDW
Nye: “Now let’s look at your feet.”
Miss USA runs towards the side of the stage. Nye chases her, eyes focused on her feet.
Miss USA: “Bob? That’s enough! Bob? BOB!”
—————————-
Suave: “All right. I think Bob Nye- the Foot Fetish guy is still chasing Miss USA backstage. Before tonight’s broadcast, we awarded the 2009 Best Manager of the Year to Sabrina Swallows of Championship Wrestling Organization…”
(Source: Championship Wrestling Organization)
[The lights dim and turn a cherry shade of red as "The Stroke" by Billy Squire begins to play over the P.A. system as we see "The Canadian Gigolo" Mike Logan emerge from behind the curtain wearing a long sleeveless black and red rhinestone robe with red and black short wrestling trunks plus sunglasses and Sabrina Swallows to the left of him. He then looks out at the fans with a smirk before gyrating his hips as the fans immediately begin to boo loudly upon his arrival while Sabrina swoons at his hip gyrations. Mike then smirks at the fans and begins to strut in a very arrogant and cocky manner toward the ring with his women in each arm. He then spots a camera and flexes a bicep for the camera before kissing it and resuming his walk to the ring. He stops to occasionally look out at the crowd with a brash smile on his face. He finally makes his way up the ring steps and walks along the apron before pausing and gyrating his hips again to more boos before he flicks the sunglasses into the crowd. He then struts to the middle of the ring and begins to do a pose, flexing his muscles as red pyro shoots out from the turnbuckles. Still smirking at the fans and their disdain, Mike removes his robe and gyrates his hips some more before thrusting his pelvis at the crowd to more boos and then runs against the ropes briefly before he heads to the corner and leans up against the turnbuckles awaiting his opponent as the music dies down and Sabrina is rubbing him down]
**
[Barrett Hawk rubs his temples in frustration as he motions to the sold-out crowd that this match is over. He picks up Mike Logan in a Tombstone Piledriver, but Logan reverses it briefly, before Barrett Hawk reverses it again and spins it into an Inverted Piledriver, but the impact of the move took a lot out of Hawk as well.]
Hart: Barrett Hawk may have just broken then neck of Mike Logan!
Nelson: Hawk is now starting to stir and he’s got an arm draped over Mike Logan, who’s not moving!
ONE
TWO
[Just then, Sabrina Swallows runs in the ring and grabs Johnny Serious’ hand on the way down, preventing the three count. Serious looks up at her and motions for her to head to the back, much to the delight of the fans.]
**
Nelson: I’m not sure what it’s going to take to win this match! These guys have thrown each other’s finishers at one another and they STILL are fighting!
[Johnny Serious then goes to pick up a barely conscious and bloody Mike Logan, when Sabrina Swallows jumps up on the apron and screams at Hector Garcia, grabbing his attention, as Serious lets go of Logan and directs his attention to Sabrina Swallows.]
Tiger: Sabrina Swallows is doing what she does best right now, and that is being a distraction at ring-side!
2009 BEST MANAGER OF THE YEAR
SABRINA SWALLOWS- CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING ORGANIZATION
———————–
Best Character
Hoyt Williams- PRIME
Pat Atoe- Hostility
Max Kael- High Octane Wrestling
Suave: “When it comes to great characters, these next two presenters would definitely fit the bill. To announce the 2009 Best Character of the Year, Bill Clinton and Sarah Palin inside Bill Clinton’s Hot Tub.”
The curtains open up. Clinton, inside a steaming hot tub, waves to the audience. Palin looks inherently uncomfortable.
Clinton: “Good evening. Governor Palin, I am profoundly appreciative that you came on my show tonight.”
Palin: “Um…thank you, President Clinton. But, was it really necessary for both of us to take all of our clothes off?”
Clinton: “Well, it all depends on what your definition of ‘clothes’ is. Is it a metaphoric reference to cover up what we really feel inside or is it more of an issue of not wanting to totally put yourself out there?”
Palin: “Riiiight. You betcha. Can we just get to the award already?”
Clinton reaches over and grabs a sheet of paper.
Clinton: “There’s profoundly nothing quite like a great character. Anyone can create a character. But very few can conjure up a creation that takes on a character of its own.”
Palin: “These next three embody three of the most creative characters that e-wrestling has to offer. And our two finalists are…”
Pat Atoe- Hostility Wrestling Federation
(Source: Hostility)
The door swings open and in walks Pat Atoe with a bag of potatoes slung over his shoulder. Without saying anything he walks into the office and takes a seat across from Milenko’s desk. After offering the President a smile he reaches into his bag and pulls out a potato, setting it on top of the desk of James Milenko. After a few minutes his bag is emptied with about fifty potatoes lining the president’s desk.
Pat Atoe – I was curious, Mr. Milenko, were you aware that the potato is a starchy, tuberous crop from the perennial Solanum tuberosum of the Solanaceae family, also known as the nightshades? The word potato may refer to the plant itself as well. In the region of the Andes, there are some other closely related cultivated potato species. Potatoes are the world’s fourth largest food crop, following rice, wheat and maize…
James Milenko – You’ve got to be kidding me…
Nanu – NANU!
James looks over at Brandon Rodriguez with disgust on his face.
Pat Atoe – The Potato was introduced to Europe in 1536 and subsequently by European mariners to territories and ports throughout the world.
As Pat Atoe continues his history of the potato lecture James Milenko turns his head and glares at Pat Atoe now instead of Nanu. The cameras once again fade as James Milenko slaps his hand against his forehead…….
……Pat Atoe – The potato remains an essential crop in Europe, especially eastern and central Europe, where per capita production is still the highest in the world, but the most rapid expansion of potato over the past few decades has occurred in southern and eastern Asia. China is now the world’s largest potato producing country, and nearly a third of the world’s potatoes are harvested in China and India…
The door to James Milenko’s office bursts open and in walks ‘Iron Man’ Tyson Evans! A boombox in hand, a guitar from the popular game Guitar Hero hangs from around his neck, he walks in places the boombox down, hits the Play button and waits.
James Milenko – No! No! NO!
Nanu – NANU! NANU! NANU!
Pat Atoe – More generally, the geographic shift of potato production has been away from wealthier countries toward lower-income areas of the world, although the degree of this trend is ambiguous.
The music begins building and building and building until all of a sudden Tyson Evans starts squealing out the lyrics to the song Iron Man as he strums away at his ‘guitar’.
Tyson Evans – Has he lost his mind?
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
Well just pass him there
Why should we even care?
James Milenko – I’m going to fucking lose it!
Nanu – NANU!
The cameras fade once more with James Milenko placing his head on his desk, his hands over his ears, Pat Atoe shouting his lecture on the potato, Tyson Evans screaming the lyrics of Iron Man and Nanu simply waiting for James Milenko to speak! What a day!”
Max Kael- High Octane Wrestling
(Source: HOW)
Joe Hoffman: Welcome back live from the Verizon Center in Washington D.C folks, it is time for us to get on with our Hour Long Ironman match for the ICON title! Here comes Max Kael, and he definitely looks……
Benny Newell: ….Like an asshole?
Joe Hoffman: ….Not exactly the words I was looking for. Is that even legal to be wearing that?
Joe is referring to Max’s…..unusual ring attire as Max comes out dressed in SWAT gear complete with bulletproof vest, thick black pants, thick shirt and a black helmet with goggles on.
Benny Newell: He may as well brought an M16…..
Max slides into the ring and stares down the entrance ramp, smiling in an evil manner as his music fades out and there is a pause, as the fans are buzzing in anticipation at one of the most sadistic feuds in HOW history coming to a close in mere minutes…
Shane charges, but Max lifts a boot. Shane goes down, then Max then says ‘fuck it’ and climbs through the ropes as Shane gets to all fours. Max gets to the floor and starts walking quickly up the ramp.
Joe Hoffman: What? Max is trying to escape?
Benny Newell: Damn him!! Get him Shane!!!
Max is halfway up the ramp when Shane looks up and sees him. Shane rolls under the ropes and to the floor and starts to make after Max. Max sees him coming and keeps going. Shane now jogs after Max. Max reaches the top of the stage, and Max sees Shane jogging after him. Hortega is not far behind Shane and Max disappears behind the curtain.
Joe Hoffman: Max Kael is RUNNING away from Shane!!!
Shane and the cameraman go behind the curtain, and we see Max running down the hall. Shane runs after him as the camera and Hortega not far.
After a moment or two of running through the halls, Max explodes through an exit door and Shane is almost on him as we now are on the streets of Washington D.C in the middle of Chinatown.
Joe Hoffman: Well this match is falls count anywhere, and now this match will take place out in Chinatown here in DC….
With less than 35 minutes to go, Max runs along the sidewalk, knocking over an old lady, then shoving a man down in the path of Shane. Shane gets past all these obstacles, and manages to knock max down from behind!!!
Joe Hoffman: And Shane has caught up to Max!!!
Max crawls to his feet as Shane grabs Max and throws him across the hood of a parked Ford Taurus. Max slides off the hood and onto the street and in the path of a tour bus!!!!!
Joe Hoffman: LOOK OUT!!!
Max dives out of the way just in time as Shane is back on him, he nails a couple of right hands before dropping Max with a clothesline on the ground. Shane pulls Max to his feet and grabs him by the head and walks with him down the street, bashing Max’s face into nearby cars, and even parking meters. Shane then sets Max up for a suplex, but Max suddenly with a thumb to the eye, and Max runs off across the street suddenly!!!
Joe Hoffman: Max running anywhere trying to burn as much time as possible!
**
Max scrambles to his feet and Shane grabs him by the hair. Max suddenly spins around and nails a roaring elbow that knocks Shane down. Max holds the back of his head and the camera pans down and you can see Shane ripped some of Max’s hair out of his head. Max then runs off and sees a Taxi. Max runs up to the Taxi and bangs on the door and the Taxi driver says something to max that cant be heard due to the fact the cameraman is still near Shane. Max suddenly throws the door open and reaches in and pulls a young guy out the back seat, as Shane gets up and rushes over, Max shoves the young man right into Shane, dives in the back of the Taxi and the Taxi speeds off!!!
Joe Hoffman: WHAT!!!? If Shane cant stay with max, Shane will lose his ICON title!
Shane shoves the man away as he looks frustrated as Max’s taxi speeds away. Shane hails another Taxi that comes behind it, and gets in the back, along with Hortega and the cameraman.
Shane Reynolds: FOLLOW THAT TAXI!!!!
Taxi Driver: Which one?
The Taxi Driver is an old Irish man with a thick accent.
Shane Reynolds: THE ONE THAT JUST PULLED OFF!!!!
Taxi Driver: Oh. That one. No problem.
The Taxi drives off, following Max’s taxi.
Joe Hoffman: I think this is a first in HOW….no, WRESTLING history as a live match’s competitors are traveling in separate taxis!
Clinton: “Very intriguing. Just like your new book Going Rogue. I still think I’d like it a lot better if you called it Going Commando. BWHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA…”
Palin: “Mr. President, that’s not the least bit funny.”
Clinton: “BWHAHAHAHAHAHA…haha… hahaha….ha ha……ha…………..ha…oh, all right.”
Palin: “The winner of the 2009 Best Character of the Year Award…Hoyt Williams from PRIME!”
An Unemployment Seminar hosted by Hoyt Williams
PRIME
Revolution 206
Wednesday September 16th
Nick: I apologize in advance for this next segment.
Richard: Ladies and gentlemen it’s my distinct pleasure to send it to the ring where Hoyt Williams is standing by to help the locals of Michigan in these tough times.
The camera cuts to the ring where Hoyt Williams is wearing an expensive golden jogging suit and a diamond encrusted crown with a big H in solid platinum right in front. In the ring is a chalk board, a few charts, and his main followers Our Lady of Gaga the patron saint of wrestling escorts, and the newly converted Hoyt’s Witness “The Topeka Thunder” Tony Tagliabue.
Hoyt Williams: Sinners please listen up, for redemption is at hand as YOUR savior: THE PONTIFF OF PRIME and the round house of righteous Hoyt Williams is before thee for a short segment that will change your life right here tonight!!
The crowd jeers loudly as Hoyt looks out at them waving with a big smile.
Hoyt Williams: I know!! If I was a sinner like you and going to hell, I would be angry too that YOUR SAVIOR is only receiving a SHORT segment on this variety show of simplicity. We all know the JEWS control TV time and when I demanded that I be given the whole show to save your souls the so called management of this company, the so called structure, the same kind of people who crucified my hippie brother Jesus…refused and only gave me a shot slot.
The crowd cheers loudly.
Hoyt Williams: That’s right give a hand clap for Jesus; he did after all die for your sins. I disagree with his pacifist nature but we’re family none the less. Ok so normally I like to do a few “Jumping Jacks for Jesus” to get the blood pumping and get you lazy sinners moving. There is no excuse to be fat as the body is the temple and looking out at you people all I see is a lot of people to fat to walk on the clouds of heaven so most of you will sink slowly to hell. Not my fault Twinkie lovers! So if you would please everybody rise and follow along in biblical aerobics with my newest follower “The Temple Forman” Tony Tagliabue.
Tony takes center stage and starts doing perfectly formed jumping jacks as Hoyt looks over the chalk board with his back turned to the uninterested crowd whom has now started a chant of “asshole”. Hoyt writes a big 15 on the chalk board and turns around again addressing the crowd.
Hoyt Williams: Enough with the profanity it’s his first night and there is no way he would do them as perfect as me but that’s no excuse to chant that!! Give him a break in the name of HOYT!! “Man goeth forth unto his work and to his labour until the evening.” Reads Psalms, chapter CIV, versus 23.
Nick: This is disgusting.
Richard: Really I feel cleansed.
Hoyt Williams The world knows Michigan is incredibly LAZY with one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. Michigan have you no shame?!?!?!?! FIFTEEN PERCENT of you people are lazy jobless sloths sickened to the sins of your surroundings sipping booze and watching TMZ with a daytime erection. Now on top that you use your unemployment and welfare checks to buy tickets to this low life affair of a pony show. Come on now.
The crowd now jeers incredibly loud.
Nick: The auto industry is the cause of the high unemployment rate, not laziness this is absurd.
Richard: Shut up he’s trying to help these sloths.
Hoyt Williams: That’s right slackers boo each other in shame. Kids I hate to break it to you but your fathers are drunks, degenerates, and absolute sinners and because of this, your chances of getting into heaven are next to none. But I want to help, after all I’m a SAVIOR not a FAILURE. I’m practicing talking slow since we are in Canada next week and let’s face it you dopes are practically Canadians. The lord respects those whom work, and those whom get hired are not wrestling fans. Sir look at you.
Hoyt points to a fan in the front row that is probably about forty years old with a balding head of hair. He is wearing a Detroit Lions T-shirt and jeans waving massive foam Jay Phoenix finger. Next to him is his young son who seems to be enjoying the show and the snow cone he is sucking down.
Hoyt Williams: Are you an example to your son? Are you a representative of the people of Michigan? DO YOU GO LOOKING FOR A JOB WEARING A MASSIVE FOAM JAY PHOENIX FINGER? Do you people not get the subtle hint when GOD, as a joke, made your football team the DUH-Troit Lions lose every single game?? Oh its true GOD HATES Michigan because of oafs and slobs like you sir. I’m going to put my hand on your head and save you as a miracle made up in pity.
Hoyt goes to approach the man but the man lets out a massive wad of spit hitting Hoyt right in his face. Hoyt stops and wipes it off slowly.
Hoyt Williams: Spit constitutes assault and I will be pressing charges!! Security please remove this man in the NAME OF HOYT!!!!
Security comes and grabs the man who is protesting loudly as the crowd is now behind him and becoming restless practically turning on the security guards just doing their jobs. Hoyt gets in the face of the man’s son and starts taunting him.
Hoyt Williams: Look at your father and learn what you will become!! I sinner not only in the eyes of GOD but also in the eyes of your silly state laws!!! A sick and twisted life you will lead and I tried to save you, but your father refused God. Always remember that you could have been saved NOW OUT OF HERE WITH YOU!!
The kid is crying as the police escort him and his father away as Hoyt jumps back into the ring as garbage starts filling the ring from the protesting fans.
Nick: It’s getting dangerous in here.
Richard: Look at the fans honor this man with all their earthly possessions.
Nick: Please.
Hoyt Williams: Oh, we are recording this and GOD is watching LIVE RIGHT HERE TONIGHT ON ReVolution! HOYT Number One by Divinity!! So anybody throwing anything will receive a fine in the mail for littering issued by the local municipality. Tony how can we teach the sinners who refuse to be taught? “He who scorns instruction will pay for it, but he who respects a command is rewarded.” Proverbs 13:12-14
Tony ducks a soda bottle as Hoyt just shakes his head in disgust.
Hoyt Williams: Sin is upon us, feel its wrath and learn of the great hell bound citizens of Michigan and their class act. Losers without jobs or health insurance just waiting for their gallbladders to explode as years of disgusting eating habits have ravaged your bodies with FAT and disease and when it blows- us the working and the wealthy will have to pay for degeneration. IS THAT FAIR?? Is it fair that I keep my body like a temple while you people use yours like public housing pissing on the walls and breaking the windows? I would be absolutely disgusted if I had to pay taxes thankfully I’m religiously exempt unlike you tax wasters. Michigan is the pubic hair of America and Detroit is the crabs. I’m sure of this because God told me so. I mean come on.
‘Unbound’ by Avenged Sevenfold starts to blast into the arena and the fans actually cheer. It’s more than likely, at this point, nothing more than cheering the idea of anyone coming out here to interrupt Hoyt Williams, more so than the fact that it’s Jacob Cross who throws the curtain back and steps out onto the stage. He stops momentarily as the fans continue to cheer to look up into the ring and shake his head at what is going on there.
Nick: Let’s hope this will shut Hoyt up because it’s getting dangerous around here.
Richard: This is the equivalent to a fart in a church!
As Richard continues to complain to himself about the outrage of it all Cross begins his walk to the ring. At ringside he slides under the bottom rope and stands up right in front of Hoyt Williams. Cross takes a moment to take in the whole situation before looking up into the eyes of Hoyt.
Cross: I’m sure you’ve heard this before, being that you’re supposedly the Son of God and all, but lying is a sin.
Nick: It certainly is!
Richard: Who’s lying?
Hoyt raises his microphone to his lips but is cut off as Cross slides his hand between the microphone and Hoyt’s lips.
Cross: Hold on there King of Blasphamemy, I wasn’t through yet.
The crowd lets out a loud roar of cheers as Cross starts to circle around Hoyt while shaking his head.
Cross: I’ll admit I’m pretty new to the Christianity beliefs. I’m not exactly the guy people would go to if they wanted to know the little details about the Bible and God’s Word that comes through a great deal of study but I’m pretty certain that there is one fact I do know, with certainty, about God’s Word and that he has but one son.
Cross stops circling around Hoyt and points a finger toward the much larger man as the fans continue to cheer all around them.
Cross: And Jesus Christ you most certainly are not.
Hoyt smiles like a kid who just found a lollypop.
Hoyt Williams: Am too!!! Well actually I’m his uber cool jock older brother who HATES disruptions by sinners with bad fashion sense and terrible speaking style !!!!
Cross looks over at Tony while ignoring Hoyt’s child like response.
Cross: What about you kid? What’s your story? Just a couple of weeks ago you came out all fired up to live your dream. You were going to give it your all to become the star you knew you could be and in one swift moment you let a used car salesman talk you into giving away your spot because he promised you he could save your father. Kid if you actually believed that then I’ve got some ocean front property in Oklahoma I’ll sell you so that you’re father can enjoy some beach side living.
Tony Tagliabue has a look of shame on his face as he searches for the right words but before he can find them Hoyt Williams stands in front of Cross and starts yelling.
Hoyt Williams: You’re like a fart in the middle of church.
Richard: Told you.
Nick: Come on now!
Hoyt Williams: Listen I don’t know what your gimmick is supposed to be, some real-estate agent or something. Kind of creative, I give you props for trying something new in a profession of copy cats. But SIR we are not interested in your property offers or whatever evil vile jive you’re selling. So please leave or Mr. Tagliabue will show you what we do to violators into the gates of Hoyt’s Heaven which is what I call the ring when I’m in it and you’re not invited. So now if you are not here to beg for forgiveness I would suggest you exit. Tony be on standby for this sinner has forsaken me with his dull real-estate jargon.
Tagliabue steps up next to Hoyt backing him up if anything goes down.
Cross can’t help but smile at the words of Gods Other Son. Even in the event that you don’t see eye to eye with someone they can still make you smile from time to time.
Cross: A real-estate agent that’s a pretty good one. I’m pretty sure that’s a first for me, maybe even the wrestling business. If we had all night to bore this crowd to death with your sparkling wit I’d gladly continue. Right now there’s something more important to be done.
Hoyt Williams: Well my wit is biblical brilliance, thank you.
Cross turns his attention back to Tony whose starting to look more and more brave by the moment, standing behind Hoyt.
Cross: I guess you’re feeling pretty good about yourself huh? Sold your soul to the Devil in exchange for becoming his personal puppet? You’re just going to walk around like a mindless imp and take all his orders? This man doesn’t give a crap about you and he sure doesn’t care about what happens to your father much less actually be able to save him from his illness. Yet here you are walking around this ring like a dancing monkey.
Jacob takes a step toward Hoyt as he turns his attention back to the former Universal Champion and PRIME Hall of Famer.
Cross: You know if you were really a man of God and really cared about people like you’re always lying about then you’d let this kid live out his dream the way he always wanted to. If you really have an ounce of Godly value in you then you’d tell him you’re nothing but a two bit fraud who can’t really help his father get better. That’s if you really were man of God, as you proclaim.
Hoyt Williams: Jealousy is sin. I know you debuted the same night as Tony and you’re jealous you didn’t have the honor of giving me your roster spot. It’s ok slick I forgive you. Tony forgives you. Our Lady of Gaga forgives you. Tony’s dad forgives you. MY father, OUR father forgives you. Now I think its racist you refer to an Italian as a monkey that is not very Christian of you, he can’t help it. Tony is free to do what he wants to do, we all are!! God is about free will and UNDERSTANDING the consequences that come with free will. I’m going to extend an olive branch to you as next week we will be saving Canadians live outside of the arena. You’re more than welcome to come by and see that we ARE doing the work of the GOD and that’s what matters most, doesn’t it brother? You don’t have to believe in me, but before you judge you really should understand and that’s all I’m asking of you.
Cross: Just give it a chance and understand is all you’re asking for? Ok Son of God I’ll give you chance to change my mind next week. I’ll give you a chance to prove to me, to Tony, to the world watching that you really are doing the good you claim. As I recall from our brief dealings in the past you’ve never been anything but a self-promoting liar but, hey, that was 2005 and this is 2009 right? Times change. I’ve changed. Maybe you’ve changed to. We shall see next week.
After the last word is uttered Cross simply drops the microphone to the mat and backs up to the ropes, slowly climbing between them to stand on the apron of the ring, never taking his eyes off of Hoyt or Tony. A moment later and he hops down from the apron and begins backing up the ramp while staring up into the eye of Hoyt Williams.
Hoyt Williams: Oh you will see in front of God and family next week in CAN-A-DUHHHHHHHH!!!
Richard: I can’t wait!!
Nick: Who let this guy back in??
Clinton: “Before we go, I have to ask you a favor.”
Palin: “Um…what?”
Clinton: “Can you do that whole put your hands in the air thing you did on Saturday Night Live?”
Palin: “Not right at this moment.”
Clinton: “Shucks. Okay, that’s it for Bill Clinton’s Hot Tub. Tune in next week when-”
Hillary’s Voice: “WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON!”
Clinton: “Oh ****. Hillary doesn’t know I have company. Can you kind of go under the water for a few seconds and…”
Palin: “I don’t think so.”
Hillary enters, none too happy.
Clinton: “Hi honey, how you do-”
*CLANG* Hillary connects with a frying pan to the mush.
2009 BEST CHARACTER OF THE YEAR
HOYT WILLIAMS- PRIME
