by Eeka Maus
An emergency hearing on an injunction to prevent Kirsta Lewis from appearing at the WWR Supershow II in Puerto de Macoris was held at 8 AM yesterday morning.
Here is the transcript from this morning’s hearing.
The Judge: This hearing is now in order. The case of the ‘Know-It-Alls’ versus the WWR
Know-It-Alls Lawyer: Nothing in the ‘Know-It-Alls’ agreement allows members to appear in non-‘Know-It-Alls’ sanctioned events.
The Judge: I’ve reviewed at their contract and nothing limits any of your wrestlers before from appearing in independent shows.
Know-It-Alls Lawyer: It’s a cheap stunt, Your Honor, and everybody knows that. They want ‘Know-It-Alls’ wrestlers to show up at some God-forsaken third world island to wrestle in some cheap hotel with a bunch of freak show wannabe who belong in a stunt show.
Generalissimo Tomas: I OBJECT!
The Judge: ORDER! (Pounds gavel) ORDER IN THIS COURT! SIR? WHO ARE YOU?
Generalissimo Tomas: Good evening. I am Generalissimo Tomas. You can call me…Generalissimo Tomas. I am the duly elected dictator of the island of Puerto De Macoris. I concocted an elaborate and downright brilliant plan to infiltrate the infidel, oppressing machine by bringing in-
The Judge: That’ll be all. Please do not interrupt these proceedings again.
Know-It-Alls Lawyer: Judge, this whole thing is a big gimmick. I mean, Mr. Pruitt himself…has brought the tin-horn dictator where the event is going to be held at with him…to help him further the exploitation of the ‘Know-It-Alls brand.
Haley Pruitt, Attorney at Law for the WWR: Objection, Your Honor. That’s-That’s not a very nice thing to say. Your Honor, we’ve already spent a lot of money on this event.
The Judge: You can sue the promoter for restitution.
Haley Pruitt, Attorney at Law for the WWR: That’s assuming that money damages could make us whole. But our reputation has been hurt.
Know-It-Alls Lawyer: Reputation? You’re bringing in a tag team that openly wrestles while they’re drop dead drunk. What reputation?
Haley Pruitt, Attorney at Law for the WWR: Could I be heard?
The Judge: Go ahead.
Haley Pruitt, Attorney at Law for the WWR: We do have our pride. And… And, uh, maybe sometimes we’re a little too passionate about what we do, but we do have our pride. What-What did you call…You called my friend something before. What did you call him?
Know-It-Alls Lawyer: Tin-horn dictator.
Haley Pruitt, Attorney at Law for the WWR: This tin-horn dictator has a heart bigger than this whole courtroom. He loves pro wrestling. He lives to watch pro wrestling. That’s right, our federations don’t make a million bucks a year like those in the ‘Know-It-Alls’ federation! This tin-horn dictator loves pro wrestling! He loves it and he’s a big Kirsta Lewis fan. Judge, you can’t take this away from us. You can’t. It’s not about money. It’s about our…our…
Pruitt begins sweating profusely.
Haley Pruitt, Attorney at Law for the WWR: …our…
The Judge: Mr. Pruitt? Are you all right
Pruitt collapses.
The Judge: Somebody get this man some hel
Movie Classic: Judge! I’m Movie Classic from Political Championship Wrestling. I filed a brief and have a point of parliamentary procedure!
The Judge: Can this wait? This man is having a heart attack! Somebody help him!
Know-It-Alls Lawyer: Jesus Christ.
The Judge: Bailiff, call 911.
Movie Classic: Judge, you can’t hold a whole wrestling fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole wrestling fraternity? And if the whole wrestling fraternity is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our institutions in general? I put it to you, Judge – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, you can keep Kirsta Lewis from appearing at our show, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
Movie Classic and the rest of his Island of Misfit Wrestlers stand up and leave humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
The Judge: All right…all right. Motion for injunction denied. (The Judge jumps over the railing by the witness chair and attends to Pruitt) Get this man some air…where’s the damn paramedics…
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So to summarize: Kirsta Lewis will appear on Sunday. Haley Pruitt is dead. And Movie Classic ripped off a scene from an American classic. From the Federal Courthouse in Miami, Florida. I’m Eeka Maus.
