World eWrestling Rag

(CLOSEUP: The middle of the ring, JOE THE PLUMBER backpedaling, pointing and screaming towards MAYFIELD as he starts intaking the four corners surrounding him. STEVENS. HORNET. KNOX. FELIX. JOE stops and starts spinning in a circle, now talking god-knows-what towards them…suddenly, he points to the sky and screams “UGHHHHHHHHHN!”)

O’CONNOR: “JOE’S CHARGING STEVENS! STEVENS WITH A RIGHT, WAITING FOR IT! NO! DUCKED! JOE BLASTS STEVENS WITH A RIGHT! LOOKOUT! (crowd groans!) OH! KNOX WITH A ROARING ELBOW TO THE SIDE OF JOE’S SKULL! The champion falls through the ropes as Hornet and Felix might be playing the smartest game by not even moving yet. Felix still slouched in the corner and I think Hornet’s starting slow, he’s been in the ring with only one man in this ring. Knox pacing the ropes and yelling for Joe the roll back in, LOOKIT THIS! (cheers!) Joe pulled out Knox by his boots! Joe with a right! Another right! Stevens rolling out of the ring – WAIT! (ROARS!) FELIX WITH A SLIDING DROPKICK INTO STEVENS’ JAW! (crack!) Stevens hits off the barricade and Hornet’s all alone in the ring! We’ve got a pile against the barricade, standing and smacking each other with fists! Hornet gives a shrug, bounces off the ropes! (LOUD ROARS!) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! (LOUD CRASH!) SPRINGBOARD HORNET BODYSPLASH! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! (CROWD: “PAUL IS DEAD! PAUL IS DEAD!”) What a start to this match and Hornet’s standing, lookit this! Joe’s looking at him wild-eyed, he managed to stay upright smashed against the barricade! OH! (roars!) Joe launches out with a headbutt on Hornet! Hornet’s sliding back in the ring…Joe’s going in after him…”

H’WOOD: “Y’know at some point, someone’s going to get caught up in the pageantry and hype for this match and forget they just need to win the damn thing. I know that’s what great men like our Guest of Honor, Armando Montezuma, would do.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe stalking after Hornet who bounces off the ropes and catches the champion with a right hand! Joe shaking it off and Hornet connects with another right to the top of Joe’s dome…Joe lets out a burlyman’s growl and returns the favor! Jab from Joe! Eyerake! Hornet’s staggered and Joe grabs his arm, we’ve got an Irish Whip! NO! (cheers!) Reversed by Hornet and OH! (BOOS!) STEVENS pulled down the ropes and Joe flew out of the ring! Stevens pulling himself up and here comes Hornet! Stevens ducks his head! (ROARS!) Hornet feigned he was jumping, but catches Stevens with a blasting kick to the head! Stevens staggering on the apron and Hornet has him by the hair and rams his face into the turnbuckles! Stevens now staggering the other way, Hornet turns him around and slingshots him into the ring! Stevens immediately scampers up, but he doesn’t have Hornet in his sights yet…DROPKICK! (cheers!) Stevens rushes up to his feet and catches another!”

H’WOOD: “If Stevens wants to win this match, he’s going to have to slow himself down! Did you see him want to go right after Joe? He’s now alone with Hornet and he’s wanted to been Old Man Yeller’s shotgun for 10 years!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens certainly seems to be on a wave of adrenaline ‘cause he’s already back up and wrapping Hornet around the waist, pushing the 40-year old legend into the turnbuckles! Shoulderblock! Shoulderblock! Hornet sent out packing! LOOKOUT! (WHAP! CROWD POP!) SPINNING LEG LARIAT BY FELIX! Hornet went down like he was shot! Stevens looks enraged, he’s rushing out at Felix! (LOUD GROANS! CROWD ROAR!) Felix counters by Drop Toe Holding Stevens into butting heads with the prone Hornet! What a move!”

(CUTTO: JOE shaking out the cobwebs outside the ring, STEVE KNOX cautiously waiting behind him…patiently awaiting a chance to strike.)

O’CONNOR: “The champion better watch his back ‘cause Steve Knox wants nothing more to break it! (LOUD ROARS!) Knox with a kick to the gut! He’s got Joe in a double underhook! OHHHHHH! BACKBREAKER! Joe writhing on the ground, but back in the ring…Felix bouncing off the ropes…(LOUD CHEERS!) SPLIT-LEGGED SLIDING DROPKICK TO HORNET AND STEVENS!”

H’WOOD: “Felix Red…only he would not know what the hell he’s decided to get in between these two…and make them pay for it! He immortally had the greatest line I felt in NFW East History during the Survivor Series Week, “What the hell is a CSWA?” Then, he created Kooter and completely lost my faith.”

O’CONNOR: “And yet you like Kooter now that he’s a extreme right wing Republican rulebreaker. How fitting. Knox picking up Joe…WATCH OUT! Headfirst into the barricade, I don’t know how bad that’s gonna mess up Joe who just staggers away…(CLANG! GROANS!) OHHHHH! Knox with a dropkick square into the back of Joe’s head, which sends him vaulting into the ringpost and over the stairs!”

H’WOOD: “And we’re not even sure if THAT messed him up.”

O’CONNOR: “Back in the ring, Felix Red is spryly staying out of the sight of the standing Hornet and Stevens…who now see each other as they get up! Right hand by Hornet! Right hand by Stevens! Hornet! Stevens! FELIX IS GOING UP TOP! Hornet! Stevens! Hornet! Stevens! (CROWD MARKING!) I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THE TWO! HORNET! STEVENS! HORNET! STEVENS! THEY’RE BEATING EACH OTHER TO A PULP! (LOUD CHEERS!) FELIX PERCHED BEHIND THEM! HORNET! STEVENS! FELIX FLIES! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) DOUBLE BULLDOG!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: KNOX picking up JOE and slamming him throatfirst over the barricade outside the ring! RED picking up HORNET and body slamming him on top of STEVENS!)

O’CONNOR: “This match is quickly slipping into a situation where these competitors are not going to be able to stop pinfalls everywhere, if they’re not careful. Is anyone going to be smart enough to keep everyone close?”

H’WOOD: “This is NFW, Beanfry. Most likely, we’re about to watch a 60-minute war that will touch EVERY orifice of this arena, filling up my puke bucket in the process. And then SOMEHOW, everyone makes it back to the ring where a returning Shane Southern makes a 3-count that makes me stab my eyes out.”

O’CONNOR: “You just expect the worst, tonight.”

H’WOOD: “I’m in Boston!”

O’CONNOR: “Red setting himself up near the ropes, SPRINGBOARD! (CROWD MARK!) MOONSAULT! DEAR GOD! (CROWD: “FEEEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEELIX!”) Red’s not even stopping as he’s rolled to his feet and run up the turnbuckles like a spider monkey crossbreeded with Jack Sparrow…Hornet’s smartly rolling out of dodge, but I think Stevens is dead to rights! LOOOOOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! STEVENS ON THE FRITZ! FELIX COVERS! HERPIN SLIDES IN! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) NO! NO! STEVENS KICKS OUT!”

H’WOOD: “Ummm…Steve Knox is trying to kill Joe the Plumber with kicks to the head. I guess that would be a painless death, that’s kind of humane.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s been relatively quiet in the early going, which may be a first for me. Knox bringing him up…SWEET CHRISTMAS! (GROANS!) OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX ON THE PARQUET FLOOR! Joe’s skidded towards the ramp and is wailing in pain! Felix back to his tricks and picking up Stevens…NO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) SMALL PACKAGE! ONNNNNNNE! TWO! FELIX REVERSES IT! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! KICKOUT! Stevens and Felix get up and charge each other! (LOUD GROANS!) DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! They took each other out! Hornet slides in and covers Felix! ONE! TWO! NO! (BOOS!) Stevens dove into the fray and just raked the eyes of one of our sport’s greatest heroes!”

(CUTTO: KNOX reeling JTP up and hooking him with a Gutwrench and lifting him up! PILEDRIVER! JOE’S DOING THE ELECTRO DANCE! KNOX rolls him over, BRUCE ‘POWERSLIDE’ PHILLIPS, the outside ref completes the legendary powerslide into position!)

O’CONNOR: “OUTSIDE THE RING! KNOX HAS A PIN! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKS OUT!”

(CUTTO: STEVENS dangling in the ropes, apparently rushing to fast to break up that pin…FELIX quickly darts up and hits a running knee smash that knocks him out of the ring! HORNET shoots up and rolls him up from behind!)

O’CONNOR: “HORNET WITH A ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! FELIX ROLLS OUT! Felix up and charging, Hornet catches him with a hiptoss! Felix scrambles up!”

(CUTTO: FELIX looking at HORNET like he’s crazy, which is something considering it’s FELIX. “A HIPTOSS…REALLY!? What’s next? A thirteen minute side headlock?”)

O’CONNOR: “Watch out! Hornet hits a running and jumping right hand! Felix staggered back into the corner! Hornet with a right! Another! Shoulderblock!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET hitting another shoulderblock into FELIX’s gut, cross-eyeing the former NFW World Champion. KNOX is outside the ring, raking JOE’s head across the ringside descending part of the entrance ramp. STEVENS comes into the fray with a CHAIR! THWACK! KNOX tumbles over like a ton of bricks! THWACK! JOE takes a slapping double to right-center off his back!)

H’WOOD: “Now, Stevens is playing my kind of game! Maybe Hornet has some weird effect on his brain where he can’t think straight? Maybe Hornet IS quasi-insect with some brainwashing…that would explain SOOOOOOOOOO much.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, I guess Felix is under its power! He’s whipped across the ring into the opposite turnbuckles! HERE COMES HORNET! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HORNET SPLLLLLLLLL—NO! FELIX MOVED! Hornet manages to block the impact!”

(CLOSEUP: FELIX cracking HORNET across the back with a FELIX KICK! “This isn’t 1984, David Byrne!)

O’CONNOR: “Felix wailing away on Hornet in the corner with his signature kicks! (WHAP! WHAP!) Hornet’s getting his back welted by Felix’s boots! Felix spins him around! (ROAR!) FELIX KICK TO THE GUT! (CROWD: “OHHHHHHH!) FELIX KICK TO THE FACE! Felix grabs Hornet and sends him packing across the ring! BACK HANDSPRING ELLLLLOH! NOBODY HOME! HORNET MOVED! Felix staggers out and WOW! Hornet packing heat with that right hand!”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET’S looking a little wild, a little juiced and a little too happy to be here. “Why do all you gymnastic boys think that works!?” SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS grabbing JTP by the scalp, reeling him into a front facelock and then hoisting him up! HORNET keeps rocking the right hand fists against the side of FELIX’s head!)

H’WOOD: “I think Steve Knox is about crap to out a lot of NON-AWESOMENESS in a minute!”

O’CONNOR: “OHMYGOD. (LOUD GROANS!) Stevens with a GOURDBUSTER! He just planted JTP across Steve Knox! Meanwhile, Felix teetering and tottering in the ring… (LOUD ROARS!) CLOTHESLINE! Hornet nearly took his head off! Felix is just getting up on fumes…RUH-OH! (MORE ROARS!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE!”

H’WOOD: “One can only imagine with a match with YYJ would’ve involved…actually, I can and I think I should just stop imagining for the moment.”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens digging under the ring…oh boy. (crowd gets loud!) Stevens has a trashcan! (SFX: …the glorious echoes of a trashcan shot!) ACROSS JOE’S BACK!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS laughing, while slamming the can on top of Joe’s head! “It’s like getting hit by an empty dinner plate, isn’t it!?” STEVENS rips up JOE and places the trashcan on his head, JOE starts swinging wild rights and lefts…screaming like a banshee for his father, which is kind of weird. STEVENS looks at him cockeyed for just a brief moment, then smiles.)

O’CONNOR: “STEVENS HAS THAT CHAIR! (SFX: CHAIRSHOT ON TRASHCAN CRIME!) OHSWEETMERCY! JOE’S ON A KNEE! STEVENS LINING UP LIKE MANNY RAMIREZ! (SFX: METAL ON METAL MANIA!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (CROWD GROANS!) JOE’S DROPS LIKE HE’S BEEN EXECUTED MAFIA STYLE!”

H’WOOD: “Actually, I think a trashcan on your head would be more tied to a plumber’s union. Or a Mafia taking out a plumber’s union.”

O’CONNOR: (over boos!) “And just for good measure, Stevens hits a double-stomp on the downed Joe! The trashcan might’ve cut into his scalp…that’s just…BRUTAL.”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS talking smack down at JOE, while HORNET lifts FELIX up in a Vertical Suplex to crowd cheers. HORNET holds FELIX up for a good 5 seconds before hitting a Suplex with a perfect rollover pin!)

O’CONNOR: “ONE! Felix kicks out! Stevens looking back towards the ring and he sees Hornet in control…and let’s face it, that’s the LAST man that Stevens wants to see in control. Stevens sliding in and Hornet doesn’t see him! BEVERLY HILLS ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWO! STEVENS HAS THE TIGHTS! NO! KICKOUT! (cheers!) Stevens bounces off the ropes, Hornet rolls under as Stevens hops over him. Hornet up, Stevens charging! Stevens ducks a clothesline! (cheers!) AND HOOKS A CRUCIFIX CRADLE! ONNNNNNNE! TWO! NO! KICKOUT! Stevens on the apron, Hornet rolling to his feet – LOOK OUT! (CHEERS!) SPRINGBOARD BODYPRESS! HORNET ROLLS IT OVER! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! STEVENS KICKS OUT! Both men scramble up and Hornet strikes first with a right hand! Stevens returns the favor! Hornet! Stevens! Hornet! Stevens rakes the eyes! (BOOS!) OHNO! (GROANS!) Sweet Mary, Stevens grabbed Hornet and just hogtossed him into the turnbuckles!”

H’WOOD: “And that’s how you treat a man willing to take Joey Melton 45 minutes long in the first and only PIGGLY WIGGLY’S match in NFW!”

O’CONNOR: “We’re still not allowed to show that footage in the United States.”

H’WOOD: “I blame Melton taking the lambfries spot.”

O’CONNOR: “They were in Hornet’s hands, so that’s just semantics. Stevens…he’s pulling out Hornet by the back of his tights, he’s got Hornet up! BACK TO BELLY SUPLEX! Stevens up to his feet and jumps off the middle ropes – OH! Stevens with a splash onto Hornet! He’s not even going for the pin, he’s getting up and WAIT! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX JUMPS INTO THE FRAY LITERALLY! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) HURRICANRANA, FELIX HAS STEVENS WRAPPED UP! ONNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Stevens with a big kickout! Both men rushing up and Stevens connects with a leaping forearm smash! CHOP! (”WHOO!”) CHOP! (”WHOO!”) Stevens with an Irish Whip and Felix bounces off, Stevens with a back body dr—WHOA! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX LANDED ON HIS FEET! Stevens didn’t see that happen!”

H’WOOD: “DON’T TURN AROUND!”

O’CONNOR: (over loud cheers!) “OHHHHH! FELIX KICK! Red caught Stevens in the side, doubling him over and into a double underhook! LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) DEEEEEEEEEE! DEEEEEEEEEE! TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FELIX JUST SPIKED STEVENS! HE COVERS! ONE! TWOO! (cheers!) Hornet pulled Felix off of Stevens! (LOUD GROANS!) OH! Felix just booted Hornet in the nuts!”

H’WOOD: “Viagra ain’t gonna get you out of that mess old man!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet falls to the mat in a lot of pain, Felix getting up…(crowd gets loud!) HOLD IT! Steve Knox just slid back in the ring behind Felix! Knox popped to his feet! FELIX TURNING AROUND AT THE WRONG TIME! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSHHHHHHHHHH! AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX BEHEADED FELIX! OHMYGAHD! Knox going for the cover! This could be it! THIS COULD BE IT! (LOUD ROARS!) ONNNNNNNNNE! (CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!”) JOE’S BACK! He breaks up the pinfall with an elbow drop across the back of Knox’s head!”

H’WOOD: “Those shots to the head might’ve cleared his mind to realize he’s got a title to defend!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe popping away at Knox with right hands! Felix trying to crawl away, but Joe’s got him by his dreadlocks and drags him back! Now, he’s mushing Felix’s face with those hammer fists! The man’s a brawler at heart that’s for sure…Knox standing up and Joe’s up and stalking over towards him. OH! (”UGHHHHHHHHHN!”) Overhand slap to the chest! OH! (”UGHHHHHHN!”) Another! Knox’s chest turning red and now Joe with a vicious roundhouse right! Irish Whip! HERE WE GO! (CROWD ROARS!) SPINEBUSTAHHHHHHHHH! JOE GOES SEMINOLE STYLE! He’s got the cover! ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet with the breakup! (LOUD ROARS!) And Joe jumps on Hornet! He’s pounding him like a piece of hamburger on the ground! Joe up and has Hornet’s hair…scoop! Slam! Joe off the ropes and plants an Elbow Drop! Another! Another! (LOUD CHEERS!) Joe going cyclonical with those repeated elbow drops!”

H’WOOD: “He can only see straight in triple-vision and that’s the single weirdest thing I may have ever said. (pause.) Ok, not even close.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s going to get driven through the mat if Joe doesn’t stop…and whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe just stood up and almost fell over he’s so dizzy. He’s staggering around the ring and Stevens is up to his knees, WATCH OUT! (LOUD BOOS!) UPPERCUT TO THE GROIN FROM BEHIND! STEVENS CROSSED UP JOE! Joe’s on his knees and now in the fetal position.”

H’WOOD: “Do you think Joe the Plumber is the type of man we should legally be allowed to prevent from having children? If so, I think here at NFW…we can do something about that for America.”

O’CONNOR: “Our President would be proud. Stevens staggering up and making his way towards Hornet…he’s bringing him up by the hair, WAIT! Hornet with a shot to the gut! Another! Stevens doubled over, Hornet reels him down with an inside cradle! ONE! TWO! Kickout! Both men getting up at the same time and Stevens fires a roundhouse right, but Hornet ducks! (LOUD CHEERS!) ATOMIC DROP BY HORNET! Stevens doing a constipated Badstreet Strut! Hornet rushing over, LOOKIT THIS! (LOUD ROARS!) SCORPION DEATH DROP! REVERSE DEEEEEEEE! DEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEE! The cover! (w/ the crowd!) ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) Knox on the mark with a sliding save! He’s got Hornet by the arm, OH! SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE! Hornet’s down!”

H’WOOD: “This match…someone needs to CONTROL it. Someone needs to run an isolation play, something to stop all these breakups on the pinfalls. Nobody can get anywhere with everyone this close to each other.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red getting up behind Knox, I think he’s about to return a favor to the Memphis superstar! (CRACK! LOUD ROARS!) OHMARYMOTHER OF GOD! SPINNING LEG LARIAT! What an impact! Knox is down, but back up and Felix is behind him again! LOOKIT THIS! (SCREAMS!) VICTORY ROLL BY FELIX! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! KICKOUT! KNOX KICKS OUT! Both men up and Knox charges at Felix! (LOUD GROANS!) OHMY.”

H’WOOD: “He just got stopped dead in his tracks with that move!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red’s Inverted Atomic Drop has Steve Knox more bowlegged than Madonna on the morning of Ash Wednesday! Felix up in the air! (CRACK! CHEERS!) ENZIGUIRI BY THE FORMER CHAMPION! Felix covering Knox again! ONE! TWO! Broken up by Joe! (LOUD ROARS!) JTP has Felix by the dreads, he looks like he’s SUPERmad after that nutshot! OHMYGAHD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) DREADLOCK GIANT SWING! FELIX RED RUSHING TO HIS FEET!”

H’WOOD: “Joe found Felix’s HULK-UP button!”

O’CONNOR: “I don’t think anyone’s done that to him! Felix blocks a right hand from Joe! Felix with a right! Another right! CHOP! (”WHOO!”) JOE WITH A HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! (”UGHHHHHHHHN!”) Felix with a right! (WHAP!) Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Felix Kick! (WHAP! WHAP!) Felix Kick double-timed and Joe’s stumbling backwards throwing his Rocky dukes up! Joe’s in the corner…(WHAP! WHAP!) Felix Kicks! (WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!) RAPID FIRE FELIX KICKS! (LOUD ROARS!) OHMYGAHHHHHD! JOE’S WILD-EYED! HE’S LAUGHING OUT OF CONTROL! (GROANS!) HOLYMARYMOTHER! THRUST KICK ON THE KISSER BY FELIX!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t think Felix Red is going to play to Joe showing the elasticity of his metaphorical jaw…that’s refreshing.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s sliding down the turnbuckles and now on his arse, FELIX RUNS UP THEM! WHATTHA? (LOUD GROANS!) A Rope-Aided Dropkick right into Joe’s jaw! WHAT A MOVE! Felix up on his feet, WAIT A MINUTE!”

H’WOOD: “This is what I’m trying to tell EVERYONE!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s got Felix from behind! Back to Belly Supl—NO! (CHEERS!) Felix flipped onto his feet behind Hornet, he’s got the both of the legends arms! (LOUD ROARS!) VICODIN PLEX! (Australian Suplex) ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet’s rolling out of it and rolling over, LOOKIT THIS! THEY’RE BRIDGING UP AND HORNET’S TAKING FELIX DOWN IN A BACKSLIDE! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! Felix rolls out and OH! What a show of quickness, Felix nails Hornet in the jaw with a slide dropkick! Hornet on his back, Felix scrambling up and over with a JACK-KNIFE! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) Hornet kicks out! Both getting up and Felix fires a right! Hornet ducked and he’s hooked Felix’s arm! He’s going for another Backslide! (LOUD SCREAMS!) WAIT! STEVENS IS UP! HE’S GOT FELIX RIGHT IN HIS SIGHTS! (CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) FELIX DUCKED THE X-FACTOR! (MORE GROANS!) …BUT HORNET NEVER SAW IT COMING!”

H’WOOD: “That’s now the single greatest moment of this match!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s OUT! COMPLETELY OUT! …and by that I mean, possibly unconscious and OUT OF THE RING! That Superkick hit him so hard, I don’t know if he protected any of that fall on the parquet floor!”

H’WOOD: “GREATEST MOMENT. Hands down, without a doubt. Welcome back Paul, we’re all so happy you can’t handle the mortgage right now and needed the cash!”

O’CONNOR: “Your chosen one shouldn’t be admiring his handiwork, I think he forgot about Felix! (LOUD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHH! STEVENS TURNS RIGHT INTO A FELIX KICK TO THE FACE!”

(REPLAY: STEVENS turning around in a 180, mockingly dusting his hands off after staring at HORNET. His whole face gets mashed in by FELIX’s boot!)

O’CONNOR: “Sweet Mary! Sean Stevens…yes…he’s got a broken nose!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ eyes doing the R.E.M flutters as the bridge of his nose is cracked, sliced, flattened and bleeding. Drops of blood bubble out of his nostrils as well…)

H’WOOD: “Oh…wow. Umm. YEESH.”

O’CONNOR: “That might be your greatest commentary of the night! Felix Red is rushing out onto the apron and up the turnbuckles! COULD IT BE!? (LOUD ROARS!) YES! SWANTON BOMMMMMMMMM—(LOUD GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OHMYGAHD! OHMYGAHD! SHATTERED HORIZON… …BUT STEVENS GETS THE KNEES UP!”

H’WOOD: “I’m pretty sure that hurt Felix A LOT.”

O’CONNOR: “His back might be broken from that! Felix isn’t even moving! I don’t know if he can! Stevens rolling on the mat, holding his knees as well…that was as good for the goose as the gander! They both might be cooked! Hornet’s still out of the ring, barely moving…Knox pulling himself up in the corner, trying to catch his breadth as we simmer on at the fifteen minute mark. Joe’s shaking out the cobwebs, Knox watching him get up slowly…”

H’WOOD: “Stevens is up! YES!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS rolling up to his knees with a grimace, scowling and wiping his blood to look at it…making him even ANGRIER. STEVENS flicks off the blood and stands up, shaking out his right knee.)

O’CONNOR: “Stevens looking at Felix like he stole his lady or something. He’s got Felix, who IS conscious…he can’t even stand straight…Stevens hooking him in a waistlock, here comes Knox! (cheers!) Knox with a crashing forearm to the back of Stevens! OH! (groans!) Back Elbow from Stevens! Stevens setting up Felix for a German Suplex, WAIT! (LOUD CHEERS!) KNOX RUSHES IN AND HAS TRIPLE X IN A WAISTLOCK! STEVENS’ eyes are bugging! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX! FELIX COULD BE SHATTERED! (post-impression clapping!) And how about THIS!?”

(CUTTO: KNOX keeping the waistlock intact on STEVENS and rolling him up to a standing position, but all of a sudden the crowd goes WILD! JOE’S IN THE PICTURE!)

O’CONNOR: (over BOOMING crowd!) “WHAT THE!? Joe’s locking up Knox…HE’S TRYING TO LIFT HIM!”

H’WOOD: “This can’t happen, this is IMPOSSIBLE!”

O’CONNOR: “WELL, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!?”"

(CLOSEUP: KNOX and STEVENS wide-eyed, STEVENS starts frantically trying to squirm out as KNOX holds on for dear life!)

O’CONNOR: “THIS IS INSANITY! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) ANOTHER DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX! OHMYGAHD! (CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!”) The champion’s turned the whole match on its end! WHAT A MOVE! He dropped Knox and TRIPLE-X like a bad habit and WOW! That’s PURE strength with PURE determination!”

H’WOOD: “I just don’t know how he’s passing our wellness tests! I just don’t think it’s fair that Joe’s just circumventing the system by drinking bleach for breakfast after dousing his cornflakes in gunpowder and whiskey! The man’s huffing household cleaning products and shit on a daily basis for his highs…while Brock Alyas gets suspended months at a time for crack…and I still think Joe’s WORSE for the health of our society.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s surveying this SUPERMAN trainwreck he’s just caused with a manic gleam in his eyes. Steve Knox looks to be the first moving and I think he’s going to regret that! Joe immediately grabbing him by the head, standing him up and slamming him into the turnbuckles. Right hand! HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! (JOE: “UGHHHHHHHHHN!”) Another! JOE/CROWD: “UGHHHHHHHHHHN!”) ANOTHER! ANOTHER! ANOTHER! (”UGHHHHHHHHHN!”) Steve Knox just fell on his butt, seated on the second turnbuckles. OH! OH! OH! (LOUD CHEERS!) Joe bashing the top of Knox’s head with those winded up Bionic Elbows! OH! OH! OH! Another fearsome threesome and now Joe’s got Knox gripped by the hair…he’s reversing him around. OHBOY. I think I know what’s coming now!”

H’WOOD: (gulps) “I wish this upon no man.”

(CLOSEUP: KNOX on his knees, slumped over and his head/chest against the turnbuckles…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD crowd!) “HERE COMES JOE! (LOUD GROANS!) KISS THE PORCELAIN! A RUNNING KNEESMASH INTO THE BACK OF KNOX’S HEAD!”

H’WOOD: “Steve Knox’s head just got scrambled, fried and liquefied into a mass puddle of brain pudding.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s dragging him to the middle of the ring and covers! ONE! TWO! (LOUD ROARS!) NO! NO! Knox with a big kickout and that’s got Joe angry! He’s up on his feet and OUCH! OOH! A couple of bootscrapes across the scalp and face of awesomeness. Joe with a couple of stomps, kick to the ribs…and Joe’s off the ropes, OOF! (JOE: “UGHHHHHHHHN!”) Leaping kneedrop right across Knox’s brow! Steve Knox is in a world of trouble, while the other challengers are in a state of questionable consciousness…”

H’WOOD: “Somehow, someway…Joe…of all the freaking brains in this ring, figured out how to actually gain some control.”

O’CONNOR: “And Steve Knox needs to figure out a way to turn this around before he’s completely done for…Oh man! JTP mashing fist after fist into Knox’s scalp…this is a literal ham and egging! JTP now grabbing Knox by the hair and bringing him up to a standing base…HANDSLAP to the chest! (CROWD/JOE: “UGHHHHHHHHN!”) ANOTHER! (”UGHHHHHHN!”) Knox backpedaling against the ropes, Joe uses the momentum and delivers an Irish Whip…here comes a Rolling Rock Elbow – NO! Knox ducked under and is coming back off the other side, Joe has him up! (BOOS!) Knox counters with an eye rake! Joe was going for another spinebuster, but now Knox has him in his own bear hug position – NO! (crowd gets loud!) Knox with a Stun Gun across the top ropes! Joe staggering around and holding his throat, Knox with a kick to the gut! (crowd screams!) KNOX GOING FOR A PILEDRIVER! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE FLIPS HIM OVER! (MORE SCREAMS!) KNOX COUNTERS WITH A SUNSET FLIP! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! NO! Joe wraps Knox in a headscissors!”

H’WOOD: “And lord knows what Knox is dealing with in there! This hold was used just 10 years ago at Brooklyn’s dirtiest pound to put dogs to sleep!”

O’CONNOR: “That is not true!”

H’WOOD: “I thought that’s what his theme song was about.”

O’CONNOR: “Knox powering himself out frantically, he’s coughing up a storm…”

(CLOSEUP: KNOX bewildered, hair disheveled…and possibly ready to vomit.)

O’CONNOR: “Both men standing up…Knox is in a daze again…OH! Joe with a right hand! Another! Knox returns the favor! Rake of the eyes by Knox again! (boos!) He’s going for a suplex on Joe…CHECK THAT. (crowd gets loud!) Knox placing Joe on the turnbuckles, I think he’s going to go for broke here! Knox with a right! Another right! Another! Knox now climbing up and he’s trying to hook in for a Superplex! (crowd pop!) HOLD THE PHONE! (crowd getting louder!) JOE FIGHTING BACK! (crowd roars!) Knox falls off the turnbuckles, he’s stumbling around and JOE FLIES OFF! (crowd pop!) Knox ducked under a Flying Bionic Brooklyn Elbow, Joe turns around! (CROWD SCREAMS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! JOE’S ON THE FRITZ! KNOX STUMBLING OVER FOR THE PINFALL! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (crowd gets loud!) THRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR(ROARS!) NO! NO! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! STEVE KNOX WAS ONE MILLIMETER FROM BEING THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION!”

H’WOOD: “…that…that…WOW. Joe JUST…JUST got his right shoulder up.”

(CLOSEUP: STEVE KNOX staring at the referee wildly! In the background, a weary FELIX RED is on the apron…climbing the turnbuckles. KNOX mouths “ARE YOU KIDDING?” as referee GREG HERPIN shrugs.)

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox has to see that the troops are starting to form back up around him! Felix on the ropes…AND WAIT! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) FELIX BETTER TURN AROUND!”

(CUTTO: FELIX perching on the ropes, but a woozy SEAN STEVENS is walking along the apron towards him. FELIX sees him too late!)

O’CONNOR: “NOOOOOOOO! (LOUD CRASH! DEAFENING BOOS!) NOOOOOOOO! OHMYGAHD!”

H’WOOD: “CLEAN UP IN AISLE 4!”

O’CONNOR: “Sean Stevens, TRIPLE-XECUTIONED FELIX RED! He just pushed him off the top ropes, where Felix Red just broke through the Mexican Broadcast table where Carlos Canyeta, Benjamin, Ryan Aston and Vivi Por Siegel are doing tonight’s commentary for Telemundo Deportivos!”

H’WOOD: “Ah yes, Vivi. Those voicemails she leaves on Armando Montezuma’s cellphone are legendary in my circle.”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens now climbing up to the top as Steve Knox is standing up! Knox picks up a nearly deadweight Joe and stands him up in the middle of the ring… (crowd gets loud!) KNOX BOUNCES OFF THE ROPES! (CROWD GROANS!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH PART TWO: THE AWESOME BOOGALOO! WAIT! WAIT! (CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS FLIES OFF WITH A HURRICANWHATINMARY’S NAME!?! (CROWD ROARS!) KNOX CAUGHT STEVENS! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!”

H’WOOD: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD CRASH!) “OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) KNOX JUST THREW STEVENS THROUGH THE JAPANESE BROADCAST TABLE! PAUL SHIRO AND THE GREAT KABUKI THINKING ITS TOKYO 1967 AND GODZILLA ALL OVER AGAIN!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX looking around like a wildman at the crowd chanting “THAT WAS AWESOME! THAT WAS AWESOME!” KNOX starts shaking his head at them like they crapped in someone’s cornflakes that they took the time to pour actual sugar on. I mean…that’s the workingman’s Frosted Flakes mothergoatherder! KNOX thumbs his chest and screams “I AM THE AWESOME!” Then, he falls to his knees and covers JTP!)

O’CONNOR: “WELCOME TO THE AGE OF AWESOME! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRR(CROWD EXPLOSION!) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? JOSEPH THEODORE PLUMMER JUST KICKED OUT!”

H’WOOD: “We are not living in the Age of God. This is the world of something evil incarnate.”

(CLOSEUP: KNOX shaking his head at the referee like he was just told Darth Vader was his father. “NO…NO…THAT’S NOT TRUE…THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!”)

O’CONNOR: “HOW!? HOW!?”

H’WOOD: “I don’t know! If I did, I’d sell it to the highest bidder or become the bidder to make sure the man’s tyrannical stinkocracy didn’t further stain the NFW World Championship!”

O’CONNOR: “Knox is freaking out! (CROWD: “JOE IS AWESOME! JOE IS AWESOME!”) And I don’t think those chants are going to help out the sanity of Steve Knox! You know he’s close to his breaking point in his rivalry against Joe the Plumber!”

H’WOOD: “WHAT RIVALRY!? JOE HASN’T LOST TO HIM IN HOW MANY MATCHES!? LET ALONE THE ODDS! Here’s a little shoutout to the sanitorium of his surfer’s brain…YOU NEED TO WIN TO MAKE IT A RIVALRY!”

O’CONNOR: “Knox is pacing around the ring, leaning over the ropes and losing himself in the crowd’s chanting at him! Knox just rolled out of the ring…oh sweet mary…he’s DIGGING UNDER IT!”

(4-WAY SPLIT: JOE conked in the middle, while KNOX pulls out a extra-large wreath of razorwire as the crowd gets LOUD. FELIX stumbling around on all-fours outside the ring, HORNET standing up with the aid of the ring barricade. SEAN STEVENS collapsed over the ring barricade, which promotes some beverage dunking. STEVENS tries to get up and swing at the fans, but wearily slips and falls to a crowd pop.)

O’CONNOR: “Knox is coming back in the ring as JOE’s rolled over on his stomach…this match is about to get VERY interesting Lamont! I think Steve Knox has lost his goddamn mind by thinking a wreath of barbed wire is a good thing to bring into this…”

H’WOOD: “He does live in Tennessee, Beanfry. They’ve got seven-hundred page tomes dedicated to the finest selection of squirrel stew recipes.”

O’CONNOR: (over screams!) “And watch out! Knox with a stomp to the back of Joe’s head, and YUP! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVE KNOX IS OFFICIALLY A CRAZY MADMAN! HE’S TRYING TO CHOKE HIS OPPONENT WITH BARBED WIRE! (loud boos!) Knox now working Joe’s face like a bowl of cookie dough with his right hand digging into every hole, nostril, socket and then a vicious rake! (crowd gets loud!) Oh no…Knox…unwrapping the wreath’s loose end and pulling…NAY…WRAPPING JOE’S HEAD IN THE WIRE.”

H’WOOD: “It is now by Presidential decree that I take the time to talk to our fans about Hepatitis. I’m sure you saw Christopher Sheffield earlier this evening in a Joey Melton wig, which is what Hepatitus Type NFW can do to a human being.”

O’CONNOR: “HE DOESN’T HAVE HEPATITIS! Heck, anyone could see that match was 98% CGI! We’ve got a serious problem on our hands…Steve Knox is laughing madly at Joe…(LOUD BOOS!) NOW WRAPPING IT AROUND JOE’S EYE AREA! Joe’s screaming…and practically muzzled by Knox, who pushes him down to the mat and SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD! NO! NO! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) NOOOOOO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) MODIFIED CURBSTOMP! MARY CHRISTMAS, STEVE KNOX HAS GONE FROM AWESOME TO PSYCHOTICALLY SADIST!”

H’WOOD: “How do you break a curse, Beanfry? Steve Knox has gone the route of bloodgutting evil intentions. It’s way better than his old way of impersonating a Mormon Jim Breuer, don’t ruin this for me!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe is frantically writhing on the mat, but lookit this! (crowd roars!) Joe’s rolled up to one knee and he’s egging Knox to bring some more heat! OH! Knox with a boot to the head! Joe’s egging him on for more! Steve Knox with a right! Another right! Joe’s trying to stand up and Knox kicks him square in the jaw! Joe stumbles into the turnbuckles, the wreath around his neck and wrapped around his face…he can’t even see out of it! He’s sitting on the turnbuckles, his dukes put up as Knox keeps kicking at him! Knox grabbing Joe and sending him across the r—NO! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE REVERSES! Knox hits the pads and bounces out! (MORE ROARS!) JTP WITH A JUMPING HEADBUTT! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! KNOX TEETOTTERING, JOE CAN’T EVEN SEE! (JOE beats his chest and shouts “UGHHHHHHHHN!”) THE CHAMP WITH A WILD RIGHT! NO! Knox ducks under, Joe’s on a blinded swivel! OH! (groans!) ROARING ELBOW FROM KNOX!”

H’WOOD: “Knox has him in the red dot sight!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s staggered, Knox off the ropes WE COULD BE SEEING A TRILOGY OF AXE BOMMMBAHHHHHHH! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE DUCKED THE GOLD RUSH! They both spin around! (LOUD ROAR!) Joe with a kick to the gut! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S GOT KNOX IN THE DOUBLE UNDERHOOK, WILL STEVE KNOX FEEL THE PLUNGE!? (CROWD SCREAMS!) JOE HAS HIM UP! WAIT! HORNET! HORNET! (LOUD GROANS! LOUD BOOS!) I…I…I THINK HORNET JUST SOLD JOE DOWN THE SH*T RIVER!”

H’WOOD: “Never, ever trust a Southern man that likes to wear a suit at ANY point in his life! Haven’t you watched the Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas, Beanfry!?”

O’CONNOR: “HORNET CHOPBLOCKED JOE…and it’s like the wind has been taken out of the sails of the Boston Garden! Knox was able to land ON TOP of Joe to make it worse and he’s scrambling up to his feet as Joe’s writhing on the mat!”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET on his knees, keeping his eyes on KNOX. HORNET squints his eyes shut for a moment, trying to clear his head as the crowd is still LOUDLY booing! HORNET swings himself up and now stands at the opposite corner of KNOX. JOE in the middle of the ring…the razor wire still wrapped around his face, hanging from his neck. He slowly gets up to a knee…not facing KNOX, HORNET or anyone, but screaming “BRING THE FRAKKIN’ TRAIN! ‘OL JOE’S READY JOHN TROJAN! YOU COME DOWN THE TRACKS ‘CAUSE ‘OL JOE’S READY FOR THE STEAM ENGINE LIGHT!”)

O’CONNOR: “…I don’t think any words could describe this.”

H’WOOD: “Or conventional wisdom…logic…or societal norms.”

O’CONNOR: “HERE COMES HORNET! (LOUD GROANS!) BIG BOOT to the SIDE! Joe falls over, but he’s getting up to that knee again and putting up his fists! HERE COMES KNOX! (LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX WITH A RUNNING KNEE! JOE’S DOWN! …and lookit this! JOE’S BACK TO THE KNEE! Hornet and Knox are just shaking their heads at each other, but hold on… (crowd gets loud!) FELIX and STEVENS are rolling into the ring! Stevens is up first and he’s charging Joe! (MORE GROANS!) LEG LARIAT TO THE FACE! …JOE STAYED UP! HOW?! WHY!?”

H’WOOD: “Stevens rolling to his feet and we’re back to Mexican standoff levels with Joe in the middle of the crossfire!”

O’CONNOR: “He’s still screaming something about John Trojan and I think Felix is about to shut him up! (MORE GROANS!) OHHHHHHHH! STEP-UP SHINING WIZAHHHHHHD! JOE’S OUT! HE’S ROLLING OUT OF THE RING! Knox dives for his feet, but it’s too late and now…NOW WHAT!?”

H’WOOD: “I think all four men don’t know anymore. I don’t know anymore. We’re just about twenty-five minutes in and all we’ve learned in the last five is that Joe’s taking a Personality Disorder Counter-Tactical Strike to the Sadistical, Psychotic Switch in Steve Knox’s formerly awesome and now snapped brain.”

O’CONNOR: “Which is just enough time to recover from finishers, tables breaking and random other maniacal mayhem.”

H’WOOD: “It’s like watching Sports Science through a Crystal Meth Looking Glass.”

O’CONNOR: “And…And Joe the Plumber is crying.”

H’WOOD: “…what?”

(CLOSEUP: JOE outside the ring, crawling around and…bawling. Snotdripping, mucous streaming, sinus cavity emptying crying. “THE TRAIN KILLED ‘OL JOE, HE CAN’T FIGHT NO MO’ JOHN TROJAN! THE LIGHT BURNS!”)

H’WOOD: “Ooooooooook.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet, Felix Red, Steve Knox and Sean Stevens are all cautiously watching each other…back to a virtual stalemate in the grand scheme of things. (KNOX screams, “THIS IS NOT AWESOME!”) AND KNOX launches wildly at HORNET! He’s wailing away on right hands, he knows the opportunity he just narrowly missed! Hornet blocks a right and counters with one of his own! Another! Knox staggers and away, but Hornet gets blindsided by Stevens! Knox walks right into a Felix Kick! Stevens bashing Hornet’s head into the turnbuckles a few times and whirls him around, LOOK OUT! CHOP! (”WHOO!”) CHOP! (”WHOO!”) Stevens with an Irish Whip! (STEVENS: “OWWWWWWWWWW!”) Stevens with a howl, here comes…HE’S GOING FOR THE HORNET SPLASH! (CROWD POP!) IT HITS! HORNET DUCKWALKING AROUND THE RING!”

H’WOOD: “Oh, the irony! Oh, the beauty! That was like Shakespeare!”

O’CONNOR: “Sit down!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS bowing for the crowd to a pop, H’WOOD standing up in STEVENS’ scope. He makes a tip of the cap gesture to STEVENS, who thanks him. H’WOOD’s eyes widen when HORNET stops duckwalking and waits for STEVENS to turn around. H’WOOD nudges his head, trying to let STEVENS know…who doesn’t get it.)

H’WOOD: “Uh-oh.”

O’CONNOR: (over cheers!) “Hornet catches Stevens with a right hand and that serves him right for paying any attention to you! Felix, meanwhile, is whiplashing Knox with kicks and strikes! Knox rakes his eyes to break up the momentum and slams a forearm into the side of the former World Champion’s dome. Hornet kicking away at Stevens, while Joe the Plumber is sitting against the ring apron outside the ring…STILL crying.”

H’WOOD: “It’s a twisted web that gets woven into the fabrics of our World Champion’s mind. And by god, is it in the worst, uninhabitable, diseased body.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet picking up Stevens, now wait…it looks like the two Sons of the South are going to work together and Irish Whip Stevens and Red at each other! (crowd pop!) Felix slides through Stevens’ legs…(CROWD MARK!) BUT RIGHT INTO HORNET’S GRASP! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVENS DUCKS UNDER THE GOLD RUSH! HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION! WAIT! BACKSLIDE BY STEVENS! INSIDE CRADLE BY RED! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!”

H’WOOD: “Who would’ve won the championship on that!?”

O’CONNOR; “I don’t know! But it doesn’t matter as everyone’s scrambling to their feet! Stevens catches Red with a dropkick that sends him into the turnbuckles! Knox drops in on Stevens with an elbow drop! Red fires out of the turnbuckles, but Hornet blindsides him with a leaping crackback shoulderblock! Red just got crossed up and sent into the air! Knox standing up and Hornet catches him with a boot to the chest…Knox into the turnbuckles and Hornet connects with a roundhouse right! Another!”

(CLOSEUP: JOE blubbering and bawling against the apron…the wreath dangling around his neck, blood pouring out of his scalp and face from the razorwire digged into his flesh.)

H’WOOD: “They ain’t kidding when they say it takes a lot to laugh, but a train to cry.”

(JOE looks up, “JOHN TROJAN! JOE’S SCARED OF THE TRAIN! OL’ JOE’s SCARED OF THE LIGHT!” The crowd starts chanting “JOE! JOE!” and JTP starts wailing “OL’ JOE DON’T FLY, JOHN TROJAN! OL’ JOE WOULD COME UP THERE AND DRAG YA DOWN FOR THE FRAKKIN’ FIGHT OF THE CENTURY! JTP suddenly stops crying and looks up at the house lights with an incensed, angered look. “WELL, YA COME ON DOWN JOHN TROJAN! YA COME ON DOWN AND UGHHHHHHHHHN! JOE’S GONNA FIGHT LIKE A BOUSE! UGHHHHHHHHN!”

CUTTO: HORNET letting STEVE KNOX fall to the wayside, looking out at JOE yelling in complete confusion. This of course, allows SEAN STEVENS to cross him up. BLIND UPPERCUT NUTSHOT STYLE, YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD groans and H’WOOD laughing!) “OHHHHHHHHHH! SEAN STEVENS JUST WAYLAYED HORNET’S CROTCH! He’s got him rolled up! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! NO! But it would’ve counted due to ANYTHING going and that’s gotta be chalked up to there. Meanwhile, Joe’s thrashing around outside the ring apparently asking for the ceiling lights to come down and fight him like a man…”

H’WOOD: “I don’t even know if this is par for the course with him.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s getting stomped on by Stevens, who now drags him up and blasts him with a forearm uppercut! That’s got Hornet on dream street and in the corner, where Stevens buries a vicious shoulderblock into his ribcage! Another! Stevens hooks Hornet and up he goes! Suplex with a rollover! ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet with another kickout, Stevens up way quicker as the 40 year-old is in trouble, OH! Hard cracking right from Stevens, who’s now getting dragged out by Knox! LOOK OUT! Back Suplex! (crowd pop!) NO! Stevens flipped out and landed on his feet! Knox turns around! OHHHHHHHHHHHH! (LOUD ROARS!) CUTTAHHHHH! STEVENS JUST BROKE OUT THE DIAMOND CUTTER! Knox just vaulted into the air and landed on his back!”

H’WOOD: “Sweet Dreams are made of this! Say it Beanfry!”

O’CONNOR: “Hardy Har Har, Lamont…and Sean Stevens, TRIPLE-X may be a few moments away from cementing himself as the greatest wrestler on ANY circuit in this sport! Knox and Hornet are both struggling to stand, Hornet’s up first…Stevens cracks him with a side elbow that nearly sends him out of the ring! Knox up…LOOK OUT! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) X-FACTOR! THE SUPERKICK THAT PUT STEVENS ON THE MAP! KNOX IS OUT! WAIT! WAIT! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX RED!

H’WOOD: “NOOOOOOOOO! Goddamn that freak!”

O’CONNOR: RED JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND POPPED STEVENS IN THE SKULL WITH HIS OWN SUPERKICK! I don’t believe this! Stevens was making a cutthroat motion and about to cover Knox!”

(CUTTO: Outside the ring – JTP still sitting, still wrapped in the razorwire…and shaking his head profusely in a negative fashion. JOE: “YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT MY DADDY LIKE THAT JOHN TROJAN! YOU CAN’T TELL ME TO FLY! YOU COME DOWN AND FIGHT ‘OL JOE! YOU COME DOWN AND UGHHHHHHHHHHHHN! WE FINISH THIS!”)

H’WOOD: “Will security get that madman away from the ring!?”

O’CONNOR: “He’s the World Champion, but maybe not much longer ‘cause Felix Red is climbing up to the top rope! (LOUD SCREAMS!) HORNET! HORNET RUSHES OVER! HOUSTON, WE’VE GOT A ROCKET LAUNCHING! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD POP!) HORNET PRESS SLAMS FELIX OFF THE TOP! Red rushing up to his feet and…”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: JTP standing up outside the ring, removing the straps of his wifebeater as the fans start going wild at ringside…FELIX RED standing up in a stupor.)

H’WOOD: “Focus on the ring, Beanfry! Let the cameras tell Joe’s story! I don’t need your brain to explode Scanners style over my fine threads.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe…is he trying to fight the fans?”

(JTP starts putting up his dukes, looking at nobody in particular…but still screaming “BRING IT THE UGHHHHHHHHHHN! FRAKKIN’ ON JOHN TROJAN!”)

O’CONNOR: “Felix turns around and OH! (crowd cheers!) Clothesline by Hornet! Felix rushes up again! (crowd pop!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE BY HORNET! He’s got Felix on the ropes, Irish Whip and a back body drop!”

(JTP seems to be brawling with air…which happens to hiptoss him onto the cement to crowd groans! “TROJAN! YA HIPCHECKED ‘OL JOE, NOW IT’S ON!” JTP rushes up and running, then vaulting himself into the ringpost with a loud crack! The crowd groans as JTP goes down like he’s shot.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red fighting to his feet in the turnbuckles, probably not the best place for him right now! Here comes Hornet, OH! (groans!) GORE! GORRRRRRRRE! He just gored Felix into the turnbuckles, he might lose his lunch!”

H’WOOD: “Crstyal Meth Covered Cheerios with a quart of Quaalude pasteurized Percocet milk from spider monkeys.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet with a right cross! Kick to the gut! Another right cross! IRISH WHIP! DO YOU BELIEVE THIS!? (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) HORRRRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH! HE’S STILL GOT THE SPRINGS FOR IT! FELIX FACEFLOPS OUT OF THE CORNER! (CROWD SCREAMS!) HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHLOCK! (LOUD GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOOO! SEAN STEVENS FROM BEHIND! HE’S GOT HORNET IN A COBRA CLUTCH!”

(CUTTO: Outside the ring, JTP bleeding much more from the scalp…walking around haphazardly until it looks like he takes a drop toe-hold right into the ringsteps! The crowd groans loudly, onlookers at ringside looking worried.)

H’WOOD: “I don’t know if I can handle this much happiness! Joe the Plumber is killing himself outside the ring, by his own accord…and Hornet’s about to get put to sleep by Sean Stevens!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s trying to fight the hold off, Steve Knox is still knocked out himself from Sean Stevens’ perfected Superkick X-FACTOR finisher!”

(CUTTO: The Presidential Box – a first-time shot, where EDDIE MAYFIELD and ARMANDO MONTEZUMA are actually watching the match. MAYFIELD starts leaning over, watching intently.)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet trying to get to the ropes, but Stevens pulling him back in the ring – wait! (cheers!) Back elbow from Hornet! Another! Stevens breaks the hold and staggers back…”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD slapping his knee in disgust…)

O’CONNOR: “Looks like our President Supports the Heel Troops as usual! Hornet working back the crowd in his favor, cracking Stevens in the head with another right…another! Boot to the gut! Hornet with an Irish Whip – NO! REVERSED! (LOUD GROANS!) Hornet hits chestfirst, my god what impact! (crowd gets loud!) Stevens hooks Hornet in a Reverse DDT! HE COULD BE GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHDROP!”

H’WOOD: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “OR EVEN BETTER!”

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD ROARS!) “OSAKA STREEEEEEEEEEET CUTTAH! THE X-TERRRRRRRRINATOR! STEVENS JUST HIT IT ON HORNET! He gets up, but WHAT THE MARY!? (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH PART THREE! THE RETURN OF THE AWESOME!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing up in his box, looking like he just had his arms raised in victory until the jaws of life snapped it from him.)

O’CONNOR: “STEVENS DIDN’T SEE KNOX! I DIDN’T SEE KNOX!”

H’WOOD: “NOBODY SAW HIM! All of a sudden, he’s conscience…charging like a bull and screaming like a banshee!”

O’CONNOR: “Knox crawling over and covers! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRR(CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! FELIX PULLED HIM OFF! FELIX PULLED HIM OFF!”

(CUTTO: KNOX clawing on the mat, frantically screaming and reaching for STEVENS as FELIX RED wearily lays across his ankles.)

O’CONNOR: “And for Steve Knox…it can’t hurt anymore, can it? That’s just PURE mental anguish!”

H’WOOD: “How about Sean Stevens!? I’m telling you, Beanfry…NOTHING’S getting settled with these five men this close to each other! They’re either too good like Stevens, too crazy like Joe and Knox…and in the case of Hornet and Felix…they’re on too crazygood pills!”

O’CONNOR: “…and if you think this match hasn’t hit it’s fever pitch, I dare you to look outside that ring.”

(CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER standing up, but he’s dressed somewhat differently. His razorwire halo wrapped head is topped off with a white fisherman’s floppy hat. JOE’S also wearing flattened and bent blue-shaded 1970’s aviator sunglasses. He’s also smoking a Philly blunt with a white plastic tip and…goose-stepping. He stops and points to finger-pistols at the Presidential Skybox. “JOHN TROJAN SUPPORTS YOU MISTER PRESIDENT.” CUTTO: MAYFIELD blinking for a moment of confusion. He then turns to MONTY and mouths, “What the…”)

O’CONNOR: “Who’s John Trojan?”

H’WOOD: “Really? You’re not going to say where the floppy hat and sunglasses came from? You’re not going to acknowledge where Joe keeps them?”

O’CONNOR: “I…no. Steve Knox is struggling to his feet, wildeyed and looking like he’s ready to kill someone and that might be Felix Red! OOF! He catches Felix with a running knee as the former World Champion gets up and that sends him into the turnbuckles…Knox stalking in and delivers a few more boots, a right cross and OOF! Headbutt from Knox right into Felix’s nose! OH! HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! (KNOX: “UGHHHHHHN AWESOME!”) Knox with an Irish Whip into the opposite turnbuckles! HERE COMES KNOX! RUNNING SHOULDER! (CROWD POP!) NO! FELIX LEAPT OVER HIM! HE’S FLIPPED THE SWITCH AND HOOKED KNOX IN A SUNSET FLIP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! KNOX KICKS OUT! Both men scrambling up, Knox swings and misses with a wild right! (WHAP!) Felix kick to the leg! Knox misses another wild right! (WHAP! Crowd pop!) Felix Kick to the gut! (WHAP! Cheers!) Felix Kick to the ribs! OH! (ROARS!) Felix with a dropkick! Kipup by Felix and he’s running towards the ropes and Springboards off as Knox stands up! (MORE ROARS!) HURRICANRANA! Felix leaps off, Knox rushing up as Felix runs off the side ropes…(cheers!) Spinning Leg Lariat!”

H’WOOD: “It’s like watching a speedballing Spider Man wrestle in there!”

O’CONNOR: “And Steve Knox isn’t getting up so fast this time, Felix hopping around with a grin on his face…he’s going to the second turnbuckle and Knox standing up slowly, LOOK OUT! (CRASH! CROWD ROAR!) TORNADO DDT! FELIX WITH A COVER! ONNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! KNOX KICKS OUT! Felix gets up to his feet and this crowd is on their feet! Felix Red, lost amidst everything’s that’s gone down so far…looks to be in the best shape of this match!”

(CUTTO: JOE has pulled a ladder from ringside that he’s started to wrap one side heavily in the razorwire, whistling along happily. Then…to the crowd’s increasing volume, he places one arm through several rungs on that side and repeats the process, before leaving at least 6-7 more revolutions of the wire…underneath his floppy hat. “ALRIGHT JOE THE PLUMBER! JOHN TROJAN’S WON THE FIGHT! NOW, HE’S GONNA SHOW YA HOW WE FLY LIKE A FREEBIRD!”)

H’WOOD: “This is something so wrong…but so right for this match.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix sees what’s going on…and…is he conversing with Joe.”

H’WOOD: “Please don’t show this.”

(CUTTO: FELIX leaning over the ropes, nodding at JOE.)

FELIX: “I like the new look.”

JOE: “That’s ‘cause John Trojan’s, the original rockstar! Born to Party with Presidents, so you…Listen up Axel Vicious! The Punk Revolution started on the streets of John Trojan’s playgrounds! YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE JOHN TROJAN GET HIGH AS THE MOON!”

(CUTTO: H’WOOD facepalming.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix stepping onto the apron…he could take his chances with Joe…”

H’WOOD: “I wouldn’t take chances with a man strapping himself with jagged, metal wire to a ladder.”

O’CONNOR: “Knox slowly getting up and FELIX SPRINGBOARDS! (CRASH! LOUD CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHD! 720 DDT! SEVEN-TWENTY DEEEEEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (CROWD: “FEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEEEELIX!”) WHAT A MOVE! RED’S COVERING KNOX! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (CROWD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! HORNET WITH A DIVING BREAKUP!”

H’WOOD: “’Ol Bugbrain finally got something right!”

O’CONNOR: “We were millimeters from a new World Champion! And speaking of which, I think the one we’ve got has completely gone off the deep-end as he’s steadying himself outside the ring…he’s trying to climb up on the apron! Felix is in complete control inside the ring, up on his feet and peppering Hornet in the head with right hands as he tries to stand…Felix hooks him in a front facelock…hooks the leg and WHOA! (CROWD ROAR!) FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX! ONNNNNNE! TWOOOO! KICKOUT! Felix not taking long to let Hornet recover, two seemingly iconic representations of their wrestling eras…at long last, battling each other. Felix bringing up Hornet and slams him down right near the turnbuckles. Felix hopping up on them, corner slingshot splash! (GROANS!) NO! Hornet got up the knees and that’s going to put a damper on Felix!”

H’WOOD: “The man’s more like a cockroach than a honey-lactating insect. Especially if you take out the roach part of the equation.”

O’CONNOR: “Ok, we get the picture! Felix doubled over, Stevens…Knox…both trying to regain consciousness…and Joe the Plumber…”

H’WOOD: “…you can say it, Beanfry…’cause I say it every minute I watch the man. HE’S LOST HIS GODDAMN MIND!”

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting VERY LOUD!) “I…I think you’re right!”

(CLOSEUP: JOE THE PLUMBER, somehow…someway…balancing himself on the top rope, the last few rounds of razorwire haloed around his head. A 10 foot ladder barbed, wired and gripped by his arms in a way that only a psychotic, delusional and brown-acid tripping Leonardo Da Vinci could visualize…JTP spits out his plastic-tipped Philly Blunt then starts shaking his head spastically, “WE’RE GONNA FLY JOSEPH! JUST LIKE THE WHITE DRAGON THAT HELPED ME KILL YOUR DADDY! IT’S TROJAN TIIIIIIIIIIME!”)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “JOE’S IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRR!”

H’WOOD: “He’s high alright.”

O’CONNOR: (over crowd pop!) “Hornet dodges out of the way at the last minute, but Joe’s on his feet in the middle of the ring looking around wildly!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP looking at all the opponents starting to get up, surrounding him…JTP starts shaking his head like he’s seen the light of God filling his soul with a faith only known to true believers. He looks up to the sky, “ERNIE BORGNINE, JOHN TROJAN SALUTES YA!” JTP starts spinning around wildly in spastic circle.)

H’WOOD: “Did you know Jan Michael Vincent is Dorchester Stratton’s uncle?”

O’CONNOR: “JOE’S GONE INTO A BLACKHAWK DEMONSPAWN RAPTOR! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE LADDER JUST CRACKED FELIX IN THE JAW! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX TAKES IT IN THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! (crowd gets LOUD!) Hornet dropkicks the ladder coming right at him, but that’s just sent Joe’s momentum spinning the other way!”

H’WOOD: “Y’know, maybe I underestimated Hornet in this environment. I mean…it’s not like all the crazybirds of the last twenty years have been knocking on his mansion with pitchforks and torches…hell, he kept a branding iron.”

O’CONNOR: “Triple X is getting up in a headwounded stupor…he doesn’t even see Joe coming, he’s stalking towards Hornet and pointing towards him…(CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) STEVENS TAKES ONE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! (LOUD CRACK! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!) DOUBLE CHOPPER BUSTAH! KNOX AND RED HIT AT THE SAME TIME FACING TWO DIFFERENT WAYS!”

H’WOOD: “Ok, now this is getting ridiculous!”

O’CONNOR: “Herpin dove out of the ring, now outside with Phillips…Stevens smartly rolled out of the ring, but I can’t say the same for Steve Knox! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) KNOX STAYS ON HIS FEET! (CRACK! MORE ROARS!) SWEET MARY! (CRACK! LOUD CHEERS!) KNOX TAKES THREE STRIKES AND HE’S OUT!”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD sitting with his head in his hands, MONTY watching cross-armed and shaking his head negatively.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix staggering up and (crowd pop!) He just ducked under the ladder, he’s now adjacent to Hornet they’re making eye contact…OH WAIT! (CROWD: “OHHHHHHHH!” LOUD GROANS!) FELIX LEGSWEEP AND HORNET WITH A THESZ PRESS! HORNET WAILING AWAY ON JOE! LOOK OUT! Felix has Hornet from behind and drags him up, WAIT! VICTORY ROLL! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! NO! Kickout! Hornet and Felix getting up, Hornet with a double leg takedown and he’s going for the Scorpion! YESSSSSSSSSSS! HORNET’S GOT FELIX IN THE SCORPION! FELIX HAS NOWHERE TO GO!”

(CUTTO: JTP detaching himself out of the ladder with a howl of pain as the razorwire pulls on his head and arms. He gets himself in jousting position, readjusts his barbed wire halo and charges to crowd cheers!)

O’CONNOR: (over crowd roars!) “JTP AIN’T GOIN’ DOWN! He rams the ladder into Hornet’s lower back! That breaks up the submission on Felix and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CHEERS!) OHHHHHHHH! HE JUST JACKHAMMERED THE LADDER ONTO THE BACK OF FELIX’S HEAD! Hornet’s turned around and spins Joe around, they’re fighting for the ladder!”

H’WOOD: “What the freak is going on now!?”

(CUTTO: JTP backpedaling in shock, removing the wire halo, holding up his hands and pleading with HORNET who looks confused. JTP points at HORNET, “John Trojan knows ya brother…he saw you take down THE GREAT WALL IN ’82! YA FRAKKIN’ DID IT ON U-62, JOHN TROJAN REMEMBAHS YA!” JTP falls to his knees, bowing down as the crowd starts booing!)

O’CONNOR: “I…I…what the freak is going on?”

H’WOOD: “Don’t ask me!”

O’CONNOR: (over groans!) “Hornet with a boot to the head! Hard right! Another right! Hornet grabbing JTP and another hard right hand! JTP is on the ropes, half goosestep half stumble and Hornet whirls him around…another right hand! Irish Whip by Hornet and WATCH OUT! (crowd pop!) RUNNING CLOTHESLINE! JTP LANDED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD! Hornet pacing around waiting for Joe to get up again…HERE WE GO! (loud cheer!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE! Joe’s going spastic as he rumbles back up…OH! Right hand by Hornet! Another hard right! ANOTHER! Joe’s staggering around the ring and Hornet’s grabbing the ladder… (crowd starts getting loud!) He’s leaning it vertically against the turnbuckles and Joe’s charging at him, OH! (groans!) Hornet moves out of the way and Joe smacks against the ladder…OH! Joe gets cracked with another hard right from Hornet! Another! Hornet grabs Joe and sends him packing across the ring, WATCH OUT! (crowd gets loud!) AVALANCHE CLOTHESLINE! Hornet with another Irish Whip! (CRACK! CROWD GETS VERY LOUD!) JOE’S ON THE LADDER! HERE COMES HORRRRRRRRNET! (LOUD CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) HORRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH AGAINST THE LADDER! OHMYYYYYGAHHHHHHHHD!”

(CUTTO: JTP hopping like a mad rabbit away from the ladder, spinning wildly, swinging crazily at the air and finally faceflopping on the mat. STEVE KNOX gets up wearily and ends up getting clotheslined out of the ring by Hornet as JTP gets up once more…shouting spastically, his eyes crossing and a viciously follow-up faceflop.)

H’WOOD: “Joe’s REALLY selling the moment here.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, I don’t know if he’s going to want to buy this… (crowd gets loud!) Hornet’s got his legs… (CROWD ROARS!) YESSSSSSSSSS! SCORPION DEATHLOCK! HORNET’S GOT THE CHAMP LOCKED, STOCKED AND BARRELLED IN THE IMMORTAL SUBMISSION!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing up and shouting at JOE to get out of the hold…)

H’WOOD: “This can’t be happening! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!”

O’CONNOR: (over crowd screams!) “Referee Herpin’s back in the ring, he’s asking Joe if he wants to quit!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP screaming and hollering! “JOHN TROJAN CAN’T FLY AGAINST DA HORNET! WHY DIDN’T JOE TELL ME!? JOE, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!?”)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUDER screams!) “THIS IS SURREAL! THIS IS HISTORIC! JOE’S RAISING HIS HAND TO TAP, I THINK HE’S GONNA DO IT! (LOUD ROARS!) Wait! Wait! FELIX IS UP! He’s on the apron…and LOOKIT THIS! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SPRINGBOARD LEG LARIAT ENZIGUIRI! HORNET’S DOWN!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD falling into his seat with a huge sigh, him and MONTY do a no-look high-five together.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix getting up slowly… (crowd gets loud again!) …but I don’t know if he’s going to want to get up at all! Stevens is in the ring with a chair! Felix is up and Stevens tosses the chair to him…”

H’WOOD: (over screams!) “WHY DO THEY ALWAYS CATCH IT!?”

O’CONNOR: (LOUD CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! X-DAMNATION! A SUPERKICK INTO THE CHAIR! IT JUST CRACKED OFF FELIX’S HEAD!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and MONTY slapping a high-ten in the Presidential Suite…)

O’CONNOR: “I guess we know who they’re rooting for at this point! We’re just crossing the forty minute mark in this match, Lamont…and we might be witnessing the historic end! Stevens falls to his knees and crawls on top of Felix! THIS HAS TO BE IT!”

H’WOOD: “You’re damn right it is! There’s NO WAY anyone can get out of this!”

O’CONNOR: (w/ crowd screams!) “ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEENO! (CROWD ROARS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! HORNET BREAKS IT UP! HORNET PULLED STEVENS OFF! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD kicking his legs frantically in his chair. MONTY wincing and shaking his head in pain for… CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS who is looking up wild-eyed at the ref, who’s holding up two fingers…and then back at HORNET who’s lying facedown on the mat.)

O’CONNOR: “There…There can’t be a winner in conditions like this. There just can’t be! Sean Stevens is getting up, he’s tired, wired…and grabbing that chair again!”

H’WOOD: “We may see some honey splat on our clothes, Beanfry!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s getting up slowly, Stevens is tapping that chair on the mat…anything goes, anything can happen…HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD ROARS!) HORNET DUCKED OUT OF THE WAY! HORNET’S OUT OF THE RING!”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET pacing around the ring, smiling like a cheshire cat at STEVENS who’s yelling and slamming the chair across the top rope. STEVENS notices JTP getting up slowly in the turnbuckles and with a violent revolution…CRACK! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHHHHH!”)

O’CONNOR: “OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! (LOUD BOOS!) STEVENS BROKE THE CHAIR OVER JOE’S HEAD! THE SEAT CUSHION’S OUT! JOE’S WEARING A NECKLACE!”

H’WOOD: “And it ain’t the kind he had to wear to get inside Shane Southern’s cardboard box along Bourbon Street!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s eyes are lolling in the back of his head, but Sean Stevens is still focused on Hornet who was on the ring apron…hold on, Stevens is rolling out of the ring adjacent to Hornet’s side. LOOK OUT! (more boos!) Stevens is throwing a litany of chairs into the ring in frustration right now and Hornet even seems a little confused…”

H’WOOD: “NFW does this to a man, Beanfry. You name me an NFW World Champion, I’ll name a man that went completely mad in this federation and didn’t last at the top too much longer. That’s why Joe’s closing in on the most impressive reign in history, he was ALREADY off the reservation!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens stalking around ringside as Hornet’s backpedaling a bit and trying to survey exactly what is going on here…meanwhile, back in the ring…as if things couldn’t get more dangerous, a chair-necklaced champion is trying to stand himself against a barbed wire ladder. Surrounding him, must be four or five chairs…”

(CUTTO: STEVENS closing in on HORNET, also pointing at him. His face is red, there’s blood slightly pouring from his nose… STEVENS: “THAT’S IT! How many times are you going to keep me from taking what’s RIGHTFULLY MINE!? You gave up the THRONE a long time ago, you geritol-streaming, Cialis and Oxycotone popping impotent has-been! I’M ENDING YOUR CAREER TONIGHT!”)

O’CONNOR: “…and now, Lamont…we can only say this…Hornet and Felix may be the sanest guys left in this thing.”

(CUTTO: The Presidential Suite, MAYFIELD stroking his chin nervously as MONTY makes a cuckoo motion and shake of the head towards COJONES. An aide runs into the area, delivering a PSP to Eddie…who doesn’t turn around, instead starts flipping and shuffling it around nervously in his hands.)

H’WOOD: “We’re at forty minutes, Beanfry. As irrational as Stevens looks, this COULD work out. ‘Cause Hornet’s not looking back towards the ring, his sane thinking is that if he draws Stevens away from the ring…there’s less interference.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet seems to be avoiding the entrance ramp, instead…yes, lookit this. (crowd gets loud!) HORNET IS OVER THE BARRICADE AND INTO THE CROWD! Stevens is looking at what just happened incredulously, he doesn’t believe Hornet’s gone in there…”

H’WOOD: “Something smells funny, Beanfry!”

O’CONNOR: “Back inside the ring, Steve Knox is standing up…so is Felix Red, who’s got a chair in his hand! (CRACK!) OH! RIGHT TO THE FOREHEAD OF KNOX! That’s completely busted him open! WOW!”

(CUTTO: STEVENS looking at inside the ring, where KNOX is standing on rubber legs as FELIX leans himself against the ropes. FELIX is blinking like he’s concussed, catching wind then jumps and CRACK! CHAIR ASSISTED DROPKICK!)

O’CONNOR: (over roars!) “OHHHHHHHHH! Felix planted that, he’s going for the cover! ONE! TWO! NO! Knox with a BIG kickout!”

(CUTTO: STEVENS looking for HORNET in the crowd, unable to find him. Looking back at the ring, then rushing over towards REFEREE BRUCE PHILLIPS and grabbing him! The crowd gets LOUD as STEVENS shoves him into the crowd, pushing him along as he goes HORNET hunting! The crowd’s volume gets even louder in anticipation, while some brave souls toss their drink at STEVENS! Security immediately jumps into the fray, dragging them away from the action and keeping a perimeter around PHILLIPS and STEVENS. CUTTO: Back in the ring! FELIX setting up the chair in the middle of the ring to sit on…)

H’WOOD: “Forty-five minutes, Beanfry. The audience can say what they want about this place, but even they have to admit…that’s a long time to keep it IN THE RING for this match.”

O’CONNOR: “And you would’ve guessed Joe or Felix would be the first to try it, but it’s the veterans…the champion pedigreed superstars that have been at odd for a decade. Hornet and Poison Ivy were once in love, she’s now married to Sean Stevens who since this decade began has looked at Hornet as someone that’s held him back, under the proverbial glass ceiling…and quite possibly the man he hates the most in his wrestling career, let alone the personal life situation which probably hurts Hornet more.”

H’WOOD: “So…you’re just saying they’re the two we should’ve expected this from in the first minute.”

O’CONNOR: “Yep! But maybe it’s going to be Felix Red in the ring…completely in control of the situation and now sending Steve Knox off the ropes and (CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHH! DROP TOE-HOLD ONTO THE CHAIR! Man, it’s like it’s just a roadblock in Knox’s mind…he’s pushing himself up, I thought that broke his jaw!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS leading PHILLIPS around like a fullback through the crowd, his eyes darting everywhere as someone shouts, “IT’S JUST LIKE ’99, STEVENS! ONLY YOU’RE NOT EXPECTING HIM IN YOUR BEDROOM!” STEVENS turns around violently and screams “WHO SAID THAT!? WHO THE F—” Out of nowhere, HORNET pops through security and behind Triple X, cinching in a Dragon Sleeper!”

O’CONNOR: “HOLY SAM FISHER! WHERE’D!? HOW!?”

H’WOOD: “Rumour has it that him and Randalls were born in 1887 and were part of some WEAPON-X project…”

O’CONNOR: “Well, I wouldn’t go that far and Sean Stevens might not either! Back in the ring, Steve Knox is…sitting in the chair. His head is sooooooooo damaged right now that he’s just sitting in the chair and whimpering! (WHAP!) OHHHHH! FELIX KICK TO THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! Knox is lolling, Felix is on the apron…SPRINGBOARD! (LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX MOVED JUST IN TIME! FELIX SPREADEAGLES THE TOP OF THE CHAIR!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS falling to a knee as HORNET maintains the Cobra Clutch cinched Sleeper Hold, leaning all his weight forward. FELIX RED, in the ring, stands up slowly as STEVE KNOX rushes in…)

O’CONNOR: “Knox with a bear hug! NO! (CROWD ROARS!) NORTHERN LIGHT SUPLEX! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (MORE ROARS! GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOO! JOE WITH A DOUBLE LEGDROP ACROSS THE BRIDGE!”

H’WOOD: “I think Joe is on pure fumes, Beanfry! He hasn’t even moved since hitting it…Knox looks like he’s coughing out a little alien in there.”

O’CONNOR: “Outside the ring, fans are going wild! Triple X is on both knees now, he may have let his anger get the best of him! Referee Bruce Phillips raising his arm once…IT DROPS! Phillips raising it twice…IT DR—NO. Stevens keeps up the arm, Triple-X continuing to fight the sleeper hold…Stevens up to a knee…”

H’WOOD: “Hornet may be too tired to really cinch that sucker in or even worse, he’s not choking him.”

O’CONNOR: “Nice. Inside the ring, Joe’s crawling back to that corner with the chair…and pulling himself up rung by rung. Knox is holding his ribs, trying to stand up with the ropes…Stevens now pushing himself up to his feet, outside the ring…somewhere in front of section 20. Hold the phone, I think he’s got the back of Hornet’s head…Hornet may want to hit the eject button!”

H’WOOD: “Stevens is smart enough to tightly lock those fingers of his into Hornet’s hair…no matter how 80’s buzzcut he likes it.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet trying to whirl Stevens around violently, NO! (GROANS!) JAWBREAKER COUNTER! Hornet’s sleeper is broken, but the legend didn’t go down! Stevens quickly using some security to help him up and here comes Hornet, NO! (BOOS!) Stevens pulls another security crew into the fray, Hornet bounces off him and Stevens gets a rake of the eyes! (BOOS!) Another rake! (BOO!) Stevens with a hard right! Kick to the side of the leg and LOOK OUT! (MORE BOOS!) Stevens rams Hornet headfirst into the nearby guardrail!”

(CUTTO: JTP rolling around the ring, the ropes holding him up and the chair hanging from his neck. KNOX seems to be slowly trying to follow him with a chair, pulling himself up via the ladder.)

O’CONNOR: “Stevens with another ram into the guardrail! He’s going for a third, NO! (cheers!) Hornet with a side elbow counter! (BOOS!) Stevens with an old-timey backrake, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t just send Hornet to his knees!”

H’WOOD: “Sean Stevens is one of the last superstar champion pedigreed wrestlers with ties to the way Eddie Mayfield likes to see his wrestling, Beanfry. You call that old-timey, but we call that ART.”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens with a kick to Hornet’s back and that sends the icon down to the parquet floor…they’re now actually getting past the back of the first area of floor admission seats…and heading towards places I don’t even want to think about.”

H’WOOD: “You could say that metaphorically, but with the mental and physical states of everyone involved, I’d say we’re just heading for the top of the mountain. ‘Cause soon, somebody’s gonna take a LONG FALL.”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens has Hornet…and OOF! He just hogtossed him into the guardrail, back in the ring…Joe’s cornered Knox and seems to be trying to mash him down with some right hands, Joe’s bleeding a lot…so is Knox. I don’t know if these guys can even stay conscious. Joe grabs Knox by the arm and hold up, IRISH WHIP! NO! REVERSED! (CRASH! GROANS!) OH! Joe couldn’t stop himself and just might’ve moved the ring eastwards six inches! Knox has him by the arm again and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRACK! LOUDER GROANS!) IRISH WHIP CHESTFIRST INTO THE LADDER! JOE’S ON DREAMSTREET AND KNOX GRABS BACK HIS CHAIR! (LOUD THWACK! LOUD GROANS!) CROWD/O’CONNOR: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHMYGAHHHHHHHD!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP somehow…someway…STANDING. He’s trying to walk, dipping deep on each plant of his foot…a SECOND metal chair now draped around his neck. He’s trying to maintain his balance, his legs quivering and his eyes going into REM REPEAT!)

H’WOOD: “Somewhere, there’s a headless man in heaven from the French Revolution that’s thinking…well, at least that didn’t happen to my head.”

O’CONNOR: “Knox is grabbing Joe’s old barbed wire halo from the ground…he’s putting it around his right arm! He slams it against the ladder and ALLLLLLLL ABOARRRRRRRRRRRD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH FOUR! GOLD RUSH FOURRRRRRRRRRRRR! HEART’S ON FIRE! HEART’S ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!”

H’WOOD: “John Cafferty did name the Beaver Brown Band after Joe’s mom, THIS IS ONLY FITTING.”

O’CONNOR: “With AWESOME desire, Steve Knox goes for the pin! HERPIN’S MAKING THE COUNT! ONNNNNNNNE! WAIT A MINUTE.”

(CUTTO: FELIX RED climbing to the top rope to crowd screams! HERPIN slapping his hand w/ the crowd shouting “TWOOOOOOOOOOOO!”)

O’CONNOR: “FELIX MAY NOT STOP IT IN TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME! THRRREEEEEEEEE (LOUD CRASH!) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! SHATTERED HORIZON SWANTON BOMMMMMMMMMB!”

CROWD: “FEEEEEEEEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEEEEEEEELIX!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD playing Muramasa: Demon Blade on the PSP, his fingers mashing furiously as he steals quick glances to the ring…pausing to see this.)

H’WOOD: “This is what I was afraid of, Sean can’t break this up!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix is still hurting himself, unable to take advantage right away of the utter destruction he just brought upon Joe the Plumber and Steve Knox! Felix pulling off Knox and covering Joe! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) JOE KICKS OUT! FELIX LANDS ACROSS STEVE KNOX, WHO’S ON HIS BACK! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRREEEEEEEEEENO! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! KNOX KICKS OUT!”

CROWD:: “THAT WAS AWESOME! (claps!) THAT WAS AWESOME!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD blowing out a sigh of relief, tapping the PSP on his knees. MONTY watching intently down below, back and to the left, where spotlights are tuned on HORNET and STEVENS.)

O’CONNOR: “I don’t know how much we all can take of this! What a match so far!”

H’WOOD: “And Joe still has those chairs around his neck, I don’t think landing on them has done him any favors.”

O’CONNOR: “Speaking of favors, Sean Stevens is giving Hornet one hell of a tour of the Garden…they’re making their way towards a tarped tunnel area, which I’m not even sure where that’s leading.”

(CUTTO: HORNET staggering around, leaning up against a cement wall where NFW fans are trying to reach down from the second level to touch him. As he turns around, SEAN STEVENS barrels into him with a vicious kick!)

O’CONNOR: “OH! Stevens with a hard kick to Hornet’s sternum and LOOK OUT! (crowd groans!) He just smacked Hornet’s head against the wall and that sent the iconic legend staggering away…STEVENS FROM BEHIND! (more groans!) Running Bulldog on the parquet floor! Stevens covering and Bruce Phillips making the count! ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Hornet with a kickout and Stevens lets out a yell of frustration, he’s got Hornet by the hair…OOH! Vicious knee to the head! Another! (cheers!) Hornet fires back with a wild right that connects and catches Stevens by surprise! Another right from Hornet! Kick to the gut! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) LOOKIT THIS! (CROWD ROARS!) DEEEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET SPIKED STEVENS ON THE PARQUET FLOOR! HE ROLLS HIM OVER! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (crowd screams!) OHHHHHHHH! Stevens with a kickout just before the three count!”

H’WOOD: “If one of these two would just hook the tights or find some ether, we’d be able to get home at a decent time!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet getting up slowly…back in the ring, it’s a complete trainwreck. Felix Red is trying to gather himself as Steve Knox and Joe the Plumber aren’t even moving. Hornet grabbing Stevens by the hair…and they’re going through that makeshift tarp-covered tunnel, we’re gonna need a few more cameramen to keep up with them.”

H’WOOD: “Maybe Eddie had a special hire this week…a man can dream!”

O’CONNOR: “Meanwhile, Felix is dragging the current champion to the middle of the ring, chair necklaces and all the warts involved…OH! (groans!) Double Stomp! Oh! (more groans!) Double Kneedrop across the sternum…man, Joe’s getting torn apart! Felix up and grabbing a couple more of those chairs that Triple X deposited in the ring…he’s now dumping them on Joe, I think we’re about to see something lethal! (crowd gets loud!) Oh man, he’s covering Joe’s face with that last chair.”

H’WOOD: “It’s like blindfolding the executionee…I like that style!”

O’CONNOR: (over crowd roars!) “Felix running off the ropes, here he comes… (crowd screams!) SPRINGBOARD! (CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! CORKSCREW MOONSAULT! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! JOE’S ON THE FRITZ! FELIX ROLLING AROUND IN A LOT OF PAIN!”

H’WOOD: “That’s why you can’t trust Felix as your champion, Beanfry. Unlike my son or anyone in Dynasty he has no care for his own well-being…and I’m not even talking about the excessive drug use right now.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix making his way over to the champion and he covers! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRRNO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKED OUT! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!”

H’WOOD: “I have no answers at this point, Beanfry…NONE. This man is running on something none of us could ever understand.”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET battering STEVENS with overhand right hands as they push through the tunnel, where NFW and Boston Garden staff are trying to clear out of the way. HORNET rams STEVENS headfirst into a metal post holding up the tarp covering.)

O’CONNOR: “Y’know, if I’m not mistaken…those two could be heading towards are backstage and back parking lot production area.”

H’WOOD: “Just wonderful. We’re gonna be on the news for a murder.”

O’CONNOR: “Meanwhile, Felix is dragging Joe up to his feet…those chairs still dangling off his neck. His face is SHREDDED, he looks absolutely nasty right now…Felix leaning him against the ladder… (WHAP!) Oh! Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Another Felix Kick! (WHAP! WHAP!) Joe’s getting blasted with those signature kicks, shaking like he’s taking machine gun fire! Felix grabs a chair…OH NO! (LOUD THWACK! CROWD SCREAMS!) FELIX BROKE THE CHAIR OVER JOE’S HEAD! THAT’S THE THIRD ONE!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t think he’s done…”

O’CONNOR: “Felix backing up…HE’S CH—WAIT! KNOX WITH A ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! Wow, where did Knox come from!?”

(CLOSEUP: JTP’s eyes blinking spastically, his cheeks puffing out as blood spittle flies frenetically out of his mouth. He starts shaking uncontrollably, his skin matching the blood covering his face. CUTTO: HORNET and STEVENS tumbling over a table, knocking over a huge water jug in the process.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix and Knox getting up quickly and (WHAP!) OH! Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Another! Felix bounces off the ropes and HURRRRRRRRRRRRICAN—(CROWD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOO! (CRASH! CROWD ROARS!) SPINNING POWERRRRRRRRRRRRBAHHHHHHHHMB! KNOX COVERS! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO! NO! Felix just kicks out in time!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS grabbing a chair and swinging it at HORNET, who ducks out of the way! The chair caroms off the wall and rebounds with a smack into STEVENS’ face! HORNET fires off a couple of right hands causing STEVENS to drop the chair and stagger away…)

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox is going to give himself a heart attack at any moment, I don’t know how a man can survive coming so close to victory so many times!”

(CUTTO: JTP all of a sudden screaming, “JOHN TROJANNNNNNNNNNNNN! YOU KILLED MY DADDY!” JOE falls to his knees and starts weeping as the chairs dangle, “You killed my pa…” QUICK CUTTO: STEVE KNOX’s attention darting directly towards JTP and he bounces up into action…)

O’CONNOR: “Knox on his feet and he’s setting his sights on the champ! Right hand! Right hand!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t know if that’s affecting him too much.”

O’CONNOR: “Knox with a kick to the head! Another kick!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP shaking off the kick from a wide-eyed KNOX, the chairs dangling around his neck. JOE: “TROJAN KILLED MY DADDY!” KNOX hits a right hand! JOE: “TROJAN TOOK HIM TO DA DRAGON!” KNOX with a big kick! JOE: “TROJANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!” With that, JTP looks up BUG-EYED at KNOX who’s own raging insanity is starting to subdue in the face of one he realizes is on way, way, way, way many less…yet powerful brain cells.)

H’WOOD: “I haven’t seen the gleam of such hatred in someone’s eyes since the time I saw your wife in the homemade honeymoon video!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s standing up! I don’t know how! Knox with a right! (roars!) No effect! Knox with a tornado right! (ROARS!) NO EFFECT! Knox off the ropes! OHHHHHHH! (LOUD ROARS!) ROARING ELBOW…AND IT’S LIKE A FLY GLANCING OFF A WINDSHIELD!”

H’WOOD: “Or off someone that’s siphons off its cleaning fluid ‘cause they think it’s full of Vitamin B!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP with his teeth gnashing, stalking out towards KNOX who’s clawing at his own face in anger. KNOX: “WHY…WON’T…YOU…DIE!?!?” JTP howls back in laughter. JTP: “LET’S GO TROJAN! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN! IF YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE BEE, YOU CAN’T LAST ONE SECOND WITH JTP!”)

O’CONNOR: “Knox with a right! Joe with a right! Knox! Joe! Knox! Joe! Knox! Joe!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET and STEVENS battling near a double-door, HORNET with a right! STEVENS with a right!)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet! Joe! Knox! Stevens! Joe! Hornet! Stevens! Knox! Everyone’s throwing a fistful of dollars! Hornet! Joe! Knox! If you’re watching on both screens, you’re seeing something surreal…OH! (BOOS!) Knox and Stevens both deliver pokes to the eyes at the same time! Knox has one of those chairs and LOOK OUT! Joe gets tossed into the ladder! Meanwhile, Stevens grabbing Hornet and WHOA! (LOUD CHEERS!) He just threw him through the doorway and SWEET MARY.”

H’WOOD: “There’s enough glass in there to build a ceiling that could even keep Hornet down!”

O’CONNOR: “They’ve spilled into the production cargo room that’s just outside…well, I won’t even go there. Knox bashing Joe’s head into the ladder, but Joe fires with a back elbow and OH BOY! (CHEERS!) Joe’s raking Knox’s head on some of those barbed wire rungs…that’s not gonna keep his dermatologist happy! Joe with an Irish Whip, NO! REVERSED! NO! (CRASH! LOUD GROANS!) SHORT-ARM CLOTHESLINE BY KNOX! AND I THINK JOE BROKE HIS NECK ON THE CHAIRS HANGING OFF OF HIM!”

H’WOOD: “Did I already make a French Revolution joke in this match?”

O’CONNOR: “We’re closing in on ONE HOUR of action. We’re closing in on HISTORY. Therefore, like much of NFW’s, I’ve already repressed anything you’ve said out of my memory, Woodman!”

H’WOOD: “Hey!”

O’CONNOR: “Sean Stevens…he’s got the look of a kid in a house of candy…that he potentially knows could explode, collapse and kill him all the while. Hornet’s on all fours and OOF! That’ll help Stevens out some, a vicious kick to the ribs. Stevens…(CROWD GETS LOUD!) well, he’s not in any old cargo room for production equipment…he’s in NFW’s!”

H’WOOD: “Machete section, aisle 3!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens has a baseball bat! He’s got it over his head! (LOUD ROARS!) GORRRRRRRRRRRRE! HORNET POPPED OUT WITH A CRUSHING GORE! That’s nothing, but cement that Triple-X’s head cracked off of! HORNET’S COVERING! HE’S GOT STEVENS HOOKED! There’s Bruce Phillips with the signature Powerslide! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO! (Crowd wolf whistles!) NO! Stevens kicks out!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX bent at the hips, hands on his knees. His eyes staring wildly at JTP who’s getting up slowly to his feet. The crowd starts getting loud as KNOX keeps motioning for JOE to face him…)

O’CONNOR: “This…CUE UP THE IMPERIAL MARCH! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH EPISODE FIIIIIIIIIIVE! THE AWESOME STRIKES BACK! THE AWESOME STRIKES BACK! JOE’S OUT! HE’S GOTTA BE!”

(CLOSEUP: KNOX popping to his feet and screaming, “JOHN TROJAN DIDN’T KILL YOUR DADDY! I AM YOUR DADDY!” KNOX falls over and crawls over to JTP, emphatically hooking the leg as REFEREE HERPIN slides in!)

O’CONNOR: “THE AWESOME AGE IS UPON US! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRED! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX RED’S GOT KNOX BY THE LEGS!”

H’WOOD: “That was it! It was over! Joe didn’t kick out!”

O’CONNOR: “OHNO! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX STRETCH! FEEEEEEEELIX (Regal) STRETCH! KNOX IS TRAPPED!”

H’WOOD: “Steve Knox is sooooooooo gonna beat up a hooker tonight. You can just tell he’s going into the life of KVC after this.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red is on the verge of winning the NFW World Championship…hold that dial…”

(CUTTO: HORNET grabbing a light tube fixture and cracking it over STEVENS’ head to crowd roars! STEVENS eyes cross as he falls from his knees to straight on his face. HORNET grabs two concrete blocks and drags a plate of glass onto it, the crowd getting EXTREMELY loud! CUTTO: KNOX trying to crawl towards the ropes, while RED pulls back with all he’s got…)

O’CONNOR: “This thing could end at the same time, this thing could end either way…the fans are on the edges of their seats. So is President Mayfield, so am I! Hornet’s bringing up Stevens…OH SWEET MARY! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) URRRRRRRRRRANAGEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET PUT STEVENS THROUGH THE GLASS!”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD’s bugging out, he points at COJONES and motions for him to take off. QUICK CUTTO: KNOX grabbing the ropes, but REFEREE HERPIN not starting the five-count!)

O’CONNOR: “Apparently, Steve Knox really didn’t read the memo because ANYTHING GOES! He thought that’d break the hold, but we can’t disqualify anyone!”

H’WOOD: “Give the man a break, he’s had six concussions in this match alone!”

O’CONNOR: “And now…(CROWD ROARS!) HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHLLLLLORDY MERCY ME! (LOUD BOOS!) SEAN STEVENS PUNTED HIM IN THE BALLS!”

H’WOOD: “That’s why I’m taking a shine to the guy, Beanfry…you want to lambast that move, but he’s the one getting blasted through panes of glass! Hornet’s drinking the cyanide, he has to protect himself!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens is howling in pain, but he made Hornet collapse to the ground…and Felix Red…Knox is fading out! (crowd gets loud!) KNOX IS FADING OUT! Knox getting his arm raised ONCE…IT DROPS! (CROWD ROARS!) TWICE…OH WAIT! JOE! IT DROPPED! A THIRD… (CROWD EXPLOSION!) JOE HAS FELIX! HE HAS HIS LEG HOOKED IN A CRADLE! (CRASH! CHEERS!) BACK SUPLEX! JOE’S CINCHED IN A PIN! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! (wolf whistles from the crowd!) Felix kicks out in the nick of time!”

H’WOOD: “Sean Stevens now has the opportunity to turn the tide for the rest of this match. The guys in the ring are going to kill each other, he’s got Old Yeller alone…PULL OUT THE GUN!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens may be getting cocked and loaded, alright! (crowd gets loud! CUTTO: Some fans eyes WIDENING big-time as they are watching the backstage action on the FRONTIERtron.) STEVENS has a metal pipe! The echo on that is gonna make Venom implode if he’s in the arean tonight! (CLANG! LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHH! RIGHT ACROSS THE BACK OF HORNET! Did you hear that off the cement?!”

H’WOOD: “He went right after the back of Hornet, that’s a huge deal! (CLANG!) THAT’S RIGHT! CRACK IT LIKE MOMMA CARLTON ON A LOBSTER!”

O’CONNOR: “Thank you for that vivid imagery…and now, hold on…what’s Stevens doing with that cement block?”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ eyes gleaming maniacally and possibly on 3 snorted grams of XXXtasy! He hoists up the cement block and the CROWD SCREAMS!)

O’CONNOR: “OHHHHHHHHHHHH! HE JUST DROPPED IT ON HORNET! HORNET’S GRABBING HIS LOWER LEG! WHAT WAS SEAN STEVENS THINKING!?”

(STEVENS paces back and forth, while HORNET screams and growls in extreme pain, clutching at his lower right leg. STEVENS nods, “YOU WANT TO WALK IN MY SHOES, PAUL!? THIS IS WHAT THIS HELLHOLE PULLED ON MY ASS LAST TIME! LET’S SEE YOU BREAK THIS CEILING, BIT(BLEEP!)H!”)

O’CONNOR: “OHNO! Stevens is stomping viciously on the lower right leg! Who could forget the FIRST-ever National Championship Series and the FINAL that Sean Stevens qualified in. Only in NFW could a chairshot to Stevens’ ankle be par for the course, but later reports showed that Stevens FRACTURED his ankle in the match…falling prey to Teresa Quaranta (CLANG! GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! …and it’s all coming to fruition right now! No, Sean…NO…”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET’S lower leg and ankle being placed on the cement block as STEVENS keeps a boot on HORNET’s chest…CUTTO: JTP coming to and seeing the action on the FRONTIERtron himself…)

O’CONNOR: “DON’T DO THIS, SEAN! (CLANG! CLANG! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHH!” HORNET violently screams!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! Stevens just spiked and chopped down on Hornet’s leg! He HAD to of broken something! Hold on…what’s Stevens doing he’s got Hornet’s boot, he’s ripping it off! LOOK OUT! OH! Stevens with a stomp on Hornet’s head!”

(CUTTO: JTP pacing around the ring, the chairs hanging off his neck…he’s gnashing his teeth. Suddenly, he points at the screen and yells, “HORRRRRRRNET! JOE’S A COMIN’! I AIN’T AFRAID LIKE MY DADDY’S KILLAH, JOHN TROJAN!” JTP suddenly exits the ring and starts storming up the aisleway, straddling himself up and over the guardrail and into the crowd to roars!)

O’CONNOR: “Joe better get there before Sean Stevens snaps his leg in half! What’s Stevens got now!? (CROWD GETS LOUD!) He’s got two of those tube fixtures waving around like Big Papi Ortiz! (GLASS SHATTER! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHHHH!”) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! HE JUST BUSTED THEM OVER HORNET’S BARE FOOT! SEAN STEVENS HAS LOST HIS GODFORSAKEN MIND! (LOUD SCREAMS!) He’s stomping the broken glass into Hornet’s barefoot, he’s sick! He’s twisted!”

H’WOOD: “He’s on the verge of becoming the first NFW World Heavyweight Champion since Armando Montezuma that this company can be proud of!”

O’CONNOR: “Back in the ring, Felix Red and Steve Knox are getting up…Red looks like he wants to follow Joe, but Knox reels him in from behind! FULL NELSON! NO! (CRASH! CROWD ROARS!) DRAGON SUPLEX! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! FELIX KICKED OUT! KNOX CAN’T BELIEVE IT! He’s arguing with referee Greg Herpin, now grabbing him by the shirt! Herpin just slapped his hands off and is pointing in his grill…Knox better be careful here!”

H’WOOD: “You mean Herpin should…you don’t put your finger in a crazy man’s face! Steve Knox has nothing left in the tank of sanity that’d been on fumes since he met Joe the Plumber!”

(CUTTO: JOE shoving people aside as he walks through the tunnel and screaming “STEVENS! I smell your perfume! I snatched it up one day, while you were workin’ out in some 24 hour 7/11 with weights and basketball courts! YOUR HEAT ACTIVATED PERFUME IS LEADIN’ JOE, UGHHHHHHHHHHHN! TO HIS DESTINY FORESEEN! TROJAN, YOU WATCHIN’! UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU WATCHIN’!??”

QUICK CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS his eyes watching the hallways where he can hear some distant shouting. His head surveys the room and then smiles even larger…He starts tipping over fluorescent tubes, light fixtures, a box of thumbtacks onto the production room’s floor…)

O’CONNOR: “What is Sean Stevens doing right now? He’s got Hornet’s other foot, he’s ripping off that boot…what in the hell is he thinking!? Now, he’s grabbing Hornet he’s got him up in a scoop position…LOOK OUT! (CROWD GROANS!) An avalanche slam into the wall and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRACK! HE JUST SLAMMED HIM THROUGH THAT BOX OF…well, what in the…”

H’WOOD: “Well, now we know where ALL the thumbtacks were…”

O’CONNOR: “In the ring…WHOA! (crowd boos!) Knox just shoved referee Greg Herpin! (CHEERS!) HERPIN SHOVES HIM BACK! NOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) KNOX WITH A RIGHT HAND! HE JUST HIT THE REF! OH NO! VICIOUS KNEESTRIKE TO THE FACE! He has COMPLETELY lost it…my god, Steve Knox…just jawjacked a referee. We’re officially in dark waters now.”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS surveying the room and hearing the hustle backstage near him getting louder…”HORRRRRRRRRNET!” can be heard on the distance and the other half of the screen, where JOE THE PLUMBER just yelled into the ladies bathroom. JTP adjusts his four-way chair necklace and then his tool belt, when one of them sees his blood dripping everywhere and lets out a spinequivering shriek that sends him staggering out.)

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting loud…) “Stevens now…well, he’s jumping and stomping around that room like he’s on G4’s Human Wrecking Balls, one of our new television sponsors at ESEN…”

H’WOOD: “Stevens actually is using some skills he’s refined through a decade of owning one of the finest wine vineyards and resorts in Southern Italy.”

O’CONNOR: “Stop lying about him, Lamont…he’s a ruthless, sadistic individual…(crowd gets louder!) who now has that metal pipe in his hand and what the? (crowd buzzes!) He’s put that metal pipe through the double doorway handles that Hornet and him barreled through in the process…”

H’WOOD: “You know…this reminds me of something I’ve seen before…”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens…LOOK OUT! (GLASS SHATTER!) HOLY MARY MOTHER! HE’S DESTROYING THE WHOLE ROOM! Those were table length plates of glass! That whole floor…OHMYGOD.”

H’WOOD: “Stevens is working the Nakatomi play! He’s…HA!”

O’CONNOR: “In the ring…Steve Knox has that halo of razorwire and for the second time in this match, he may be bringing the Gold Rush with it! Are we about see the SIXTH attempt? Felix is getting up…(crowd cheers!) OHHHHHHH! KNOX UP AND OVER THE TOP! FELIX DUCKED OUT OF THE WAY!”

H’WOOD: “I like that Knox is now throwing himself out there like a methed up conductor on a Great American Freight Train, but just because you can slice cars in half…you still have to see the cliff on the other side!”

(CUTTO: The door rumbling with the metal pipe through the handles. CUTTO: JTP outside the doors and shaking them, he starts kicking at the door! QUICK CUTTO: HORNET clutching at his leg and back, trying to lean against the wall all the way to the opposite side of where STEVENS is watching the door. CLOSEUP: STEVENS makes eye contact with HORNET and smiles…leaving to the unblocked doorway. STEVENS: “I’ll be watching.” QUICK CUTTO: The door taking a huge bash from JOE’S shoulder! QUICK CUTTO: HORNET alone in the room, the crowd starting to get louder! The door takes a HUGE dent… CUTTO: JTP on the ground, getting back up quickly…and delivering another running shoulderblock to the door, almost busting it open!)

H’WOOD: “Hornet knows where Stevens is…Joe doesn’t and Hornet knows that and is barefoot and seconds away from wrestling Joe the Plumber…in a room full of shattered glass and thumbtacks. THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL RENDITION OF THE NAKATOMI.” (starts clapping!)

O’CONNOR: “Sit down!”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD watching on nervously, ARMANDO MONTEZUMA giving him an encouraging pat on the shoulder.)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s on his feet…and he’s got a SEVERE limp, Lamont. He’s HURTING badly…”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET taking a few steps and screaming out loudly, falling down and grabbing at his feet immediately. Pieces of glass flutter off as the crowd buzzes about…then lets out another roar as the pipe gets unhinged by another JTP shoulderblock! HORNET rushes to his feet and makes his way towards the exit STEVENS used…but then the door makes a LOUD CRACK!)

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD ROARS!) “JOE’S THROUGH THE DOORS! Run Hornet! RUN IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!”

H’WOOD: “Make Lieutenant Dan proud!”

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD SCREAMS!) “JOE’S GOT HIM! He swivels Hornet around! Right hand! Kick to the gut! SH(bleep!)T RIVER PL—WHOA! MODIFIED FRANK ‘N PARSONS BY HORNET! Joe’s screaming like a banshee! He’s on his feet quickly and pointing at Hornet!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP in pointing position, “You seen what John Trojan can do, LEGEND? NOW UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU SEE WHAT THE FRAK JOE’S ALL ABOUT!”)

O’CONNOR: “HERE COMES JOE! Hornet has to stand his ground, but Joe’s waylaid into him and shoving him backwards! Hornet hopping, his ankle…his barefeet…the glass everywhere, the thumbtacks…HE’S SCREWED. OH! Joe with a headbutt! Right hand! HOLD ON! Hornet’s got one of those chairs and spins Joe around! OHMYGAHD. (CRASH! CROWD ERUPTION!) SCORPION DEATHDROP! HE GOT JOE! HE’S GOT JOE! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRNO! NOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKED OUT! A BIG KICKOUT!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX getting up outside the ring and watching the FRONTIERtron, the surrounding crowd chanting “JOE! JOE! JOE!” He starts shaking, when suddenly he jumps up and vaults into the crowd. FELIX gathering his senses, watching KNOX…smiles and slowly rolls out of the ring. Slyly following, looking like his back is the worse for wear…)

O’CONNOR: “This…this is all getting interesting. Referee Greg Herpin is wincing big time…his mouth is bloody, but he’s gonna have to get up and follow those guys, if he wants to stay as an official in this match. Meanwhile, Hornet…can he even STAND? Can he even WALK out of this? Somehow, someway…he’s dodged a major bullet, but he can’t stay in there with Joe or in general.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET crawling towards the wall and the doorway…all of a sudden, SEAN STEVENS comes right through and blasts him with a kick to the head! STEVENS rips up HORNET to his feet, grabs his arm…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “OHNO! (CRASH! LOUD GROANS!) What a…HEARTLESS…ohmygod. Sean Stevens just Irish Whipped Hornet across the room, BAREFOOT on shattered glass, thumbtacks and god knows if his ankle is broken.”

H’WOOD: “HA! Too bad he had to jump over Joe, I don’t think he’d have made it anyway!”

O’CONNOR: “Instead, he landed on his side…Stevens is out of the room again, Hornet’s yelling in an incredible amount of pain. Bruce Phillips looks light a frightened field mouse in the middle of a Herculean struggle of blood, guts and glory.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET standing up against the wall, completely on the opposite side of the exit towards STEVENS…HORNET makes eye contact with the other exit and then with JOE THE PLUMBER who’s getting up to his knees, tossing off the chair necklace and starting to shake his head. JOE: “ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. I didn’t realize this was a Rice Krispies covered floor match, ‘Ol Joe didn’t know the Hornet knew the rules of the Brooklyn Championships. ‘Ol Joe didn’t know that Hornet danced on wholesome grains of glass…UGHHHHN!”)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s on his feet, he’s making a motion for Hornet to bring it on…and Hornet’s just at a loss for what to do…”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET shaking his head, “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”)

O’CONNOR: (over loud cheers!) “Hornet fires first! Right hand! Another hopping right! Joe blocks the next one and delivers a right hand of his own! Joe with a headbutt! Bionic Elbow and that almost buckled Hornet, WAIT! (LOUD BOOS!) OHHHHHHH! HORNET GRABBED A METAL PIPE AND SLAMMED JOE IN THE GUT WITH IT!”

(CUTTO: KNOX making his way through the tunnel, FELIX RED lagging a few carlengths behind…QUICK CUTTO: HORNET backing up with the pipe, the glass crunching under his feet…his body quivering in the shock of dealing with innumerable pain…)

O’CONNOR: “THIS…this feels like watching the first two HIGHLANDERS.”

H’WOOD: “Agreed.”

O’CONNOR: (over screams!) “HORNET SWINGS! (CLANG!) JOE DUCKED! Joe with a right! Another right! Kick to the gut, the metal pipe goes flying and into Joe’s hands! JOE SWINGS! (CROWD ROARS!) HORNET DUCKS AND CHARGES, BARRELING INTO JOE! LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRASH!) WHERE’D THEY GO!?”

(QUICK CUTTO: The Production parking lost. The night air getting jostled by HORNET and JOE THE PLUMBER tumbling into the fray, bashing against the side of a production truck! The crowd gets loud! There’s bloody footprints on the white pavement, while HORNET stands up JTP against the truck…)

O’CONNOR: “There they are! Hornet with a shoulderblock! ANOTHER! Sean Stevens has to be lurking out here, that has to be in the back of Hornet’s mind…here comes security and wait…THAT’S COJONES MERCADO.”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD watching the proceedings on the FRONTIERtron with an eagle-eye, MONTEZUMA eyeing him with curiosity.)

O’CONNOR: “But…still no sight of Sean Stevens. OOF! Another shoulderblock by Hornet! OH! Bionic Elbow from Joe sends Hornet staggering away…Hornet’s walking towards the front of the truck…LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) Joe with a shove from behind and Hornet’s head just took out the side mirror!”

H’WOOD: “Eddie’s gonna charge him for the insurance increase off that! That’s coming out of his paycheck…”

O’CONNOR: “Joe reeling Hornet up…scoops him up…and OOF! Slam on the pavement! Joe…Joe’s climbing up on the hood of truck! (CRASH! BOOS!) THERE’S STEVENS! He was underneath the truck and just pulled out Joe’s legs as he was climbing up, which caused Joe to jawjack himself on the hood! Joe staggering away, Stevens climbing on the hood… (LOUD SCREAMS!) GUILLOTINE LEGDROP ON HORNET! STEVENS COVERS! PHILLIPS COUNTING! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Joe boots Stevens off the pinfall attempt, Joe with another boot! He’s got Stevens by the hair and up on his feet, right hand by the champ! Another!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX walking through the cargo production area littered with glass and thumbtacks… KNOX: “Something AWESOME happened in here…”)

O’CONNOR: “Stevens up on his feet and he’s bailing out towards the entrance to the truck. Joe’s following him up the steps and Stevens…oh come on! (boos!) He just grabbed and tossed a staff worker into Joe, then uses that distraction to crack a right hand to Joe’s temple! Another! Anot—NO! Joe blocks it! Headbutt! Bionic Elbow sends Stevens through the truck doors!”

(CUTTO: Inside the production truck, STEVENS staggering and then turning around right into another Bionic Elbow! STEVENS falls to the floor as JOE grabs a headset, takes a seat and shouts “UGHHHHHHN! NEXT ON J-T-P TV, WHO’S THE BOUSE!? UGHHHHHHHHN! Cut to camera 4!” All of a sudden, STEVE KNOX is in the truck and wrapping JTP around the throat with production wires!)

O’CONNOR: “KNOX IS ON THE SCENE! HE’S IN THE TRUCK! Knox dragging Joe out of the truck…”

(CUTTO: Back to the parking lot, where KNOX is pulling JTP out of the entrance, the champ’s arms flailing everywhere…)

O’CONNOR: “Joe with a back elbow to Knox’s gut! Knox staggers back and LOOK OUT! (cheers!) FELIX RED AT GROUND ZERO! Back body drop onto the cement! Knox is hurt! Joe trying to untangle the wires, but OHNO! (WHAP!) FELIX KICK! Right to the back of the head and Joe’s down! Felix is now picking up Joe by the hair…he’s carrying him along the trails of wire…they’re getting dangerously close to several electrical panels connected to those bevy of wires…”

H’WOOD: “This could be like the Temple of Doom powered by Thor…”

O’CONNOR: “What in the…(loud screams!) Felix is going to slam Joe headfirst into a Snakepit Panel, NO! Joe with a back elbow! Bionic Elbow! Another! Felix on dream street and Joe winds up another…BIONIC ELBOW! Felix hits the cement, but here comes Hornet! Hornet with a right! Another right! He’s got those wires and NOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS! SFX: CRACKLING ELECRTICITY!) JOE WENT HEADFIRST INTO THAT PANEL, SPARKS JUST FLEW EVERYWHERE! Joe’s staggering around, shaking spastically…Hornet’s won this way before in his first ever match against Mike Randalls! This could be it for the champ! Hornet’s lining him up for the Scorpion Deathdrop! WAIT! STEVENS IS ON THE TOP OF THE PRODUCTION TRUCK! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) STEVENS WITH A MISSILE DROPKICK ON HORNET!”

CROWD: “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

H’WOOD: “That’s going to be on magazine covers nationwide, Beanfry! I’ve never seen anything like that in my life!”

O’CONNOR: “Wait…NO FREAKING WAY! KNOX HAS JOE IN HIS SIGHTS! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD ROARS!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH SIX! THE UNDISCOVERED AWWESOMMMMMMME!”

H’WOOD: “I thought you’d be going FREDDY GOT FINGERED: THE AWESOME NIGHTMARE…”

O’CONNOR: “JOE’S OUT. He’s not moving. Knox collapses on him for the pin! ONNNNNNNNNE! (W/ CROWD!) TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD ROARS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! STEVENS WITH THE BREAKUP! HE’S GOT KNOX BY THE FOOT! (LOUD SCREAMS!) ESS TEEEEEEEEEEE EFF! S-T-F!”

H’WOOD: “Do you believe in miracles!? I think I might right now!”

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox goes from one millimeter away from being the NFW World Champion to completely in the middle of one of the most random places for a wrestling submission! There are no ropes, there are no rules…and if there is no help soon, I don’t think Steve Knox is gonna break out of this!”

H’WOOD: “Nononononono! (LOUD CHEERS!) God freaking damnit!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix rushing in and stomping on Stevens from behind! Triple-X, the XXXtasy of Professional Wrestling now taking a barrage of stomps from Felix…what the, hold up… (CROWD ROARS!) Red’s on the car hood, Stevens is rushing up! MOONSAULT BODYPR—NO! STEVENS CATCHES HIM!”

H’WOOD: “This is poetry in motion, Beansprouts! (LOUD GROANS!) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!”

O’CONNOR: “SPINNING TOMBSTONE PIIIIIIIIIIIILEDRIVAH! Stevens makes a cutthroat motion and covers! ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) HORNET WITH THE SAVE! HORNET DIVES IN FOR THE SAVE! Stevens can’t believe it, I can’t believe it!”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET lying facefirst on the ground, his feet covered in blood and his body heaving. STEVENS is bent over on his knees, pounding the pavement with his fists. FELIX and JOE are motionless, KNOX is rolling around in pain…)

O’CONNOR: “What a match…what a WICKED AWESOME match, if I don’t mind being the spokesman for the Boston Garden right now! (CROWD: “ENN-EFF-DUB! ENN-EFF-DUB!”) These fans are on their feet, eyes glued to the FRONTIERtron…and Sean Stevens, I’m not sure where he’s going but it’s headed towards the stairwell that Cojones is watching.”

H’WOOD: “That could be a good thing.”

O’CONNOR: “I’m not sure if you’re representing everyone watching this match with that opinion, Lamont.”

H’WOOD: “Like I care what anyone watching thinks…why don’t I start working at soup kitchens, while we’re being ridiculous?”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s crawling and now getting up to his feet, following Sean Stevens who’s actually trying to get pushed away by Cojones Mercado…Stevens is crawling into that bottom stairwell, I’m not sure where that goes. Stevens is willing to risk it and now…”

(CUTTO: Secret Service entering the Presidential Box, whispering something into EDDIE MAYFIELD’s ear. The President nods as other Secret Service start escorting ARMANDO MONTEZUMA and his entourage out of the box…)

O’CONNOR: “That…that can’t be good.”

(CUTTO: STEVENS walking up the stairwell, but MERCADO is trying to stand in his path. HORNET and STEVE KNOX come lumbering towards the area…MERCADO starts shouting at security to come over and stop them…STEVENS lands a cheapshot to the gut and MERCADO falls to a knee. STEVENS squirms past as KNOX starts plastering the security as they try to grab him!)

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting loud!) “This is pure chaos! Security and Steve Knox are going at it! Mercado wanted to watch that area and now…Hornet’s hopping towards him…OH! Mercado was about to swing his chair, but Hornet hits a diving forearm right into his jaw! Cojones is down and Hornet’s past him now! Steve Knox just hit a Double STO on the security! Hold up, Joe’s up! Joe’s grabbing Knox from behind! FULL NELSON! NO! (CROWD ROARS!) FULL NELSON SLAM! (CROWD: “F-N-S! F-N-S!”) JOE COVERS! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! KICKOUT BY KNOX! And oh my…”

(CUTTO: FELIX RED rolling onto his stomach, blood pouring out of his forehead…)

H’WOOD: “Someone get the hose, we’ve got no clue what kind of disease that man can get airborne in Boston!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix’s eyes are glazed over, he may have a serious head or neck injury from that vicious piledriver by Stevens…who I have no clue where he is…”

(CLOSEUP: JTP making his way towards COJONES, pointing at him…COJONES doesn’t risk anything this time, immediately swinging his chair! THWACK! JOE manages to get an arm up to block, not that was good for his arm…COJONES: “YOU NO GET UP! …the stairs, mang. YOU NO GET UP!”)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD BOOS!) “Sweet Mary! Cojones swings that chair again, but Joe moves out of the way! The champ doesn’t look happy, but WAIT WATCH OUT! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH SEVENNNNNNNNNNNNN! AWESOME ARE FOREVER! COJONES IS OUT! COJONES IS OUT!”

H’WOOD: “So, it’s official…we’re gonna have to suspend Steve Knox for knocking out half the referees and security involved in this match. Including two head officials…”

O’CONNOR: “I’d actually say that’s par for the course in a match of this much magnitude in NFW…Bruce Phillips is really all we’ve got left in what little order we’ve got. Knox and Joe are staring each other down near that stairwell, Felix Red is slowly getting to his feet…Knox charging Joe! (cheers!) Right hand by Knox! Another! Joe fights back with a right of his own! They are just covered in blood at this point, but I’m not sure any of it is Knox’s…OH! Bionic Elbow by Joe! Another one puts Knox on one knee…YES! Another puts Knox down on the cement! Joe stepping over him, NO! Knox yanks out Joe’s foot and drops him on the pavement, Knox scrambling up and mounting into a reverse chinlock…correct that! (crowd gets loud!) Knox wailing away with roundhouse shots to the sides of Joe’s head! Felix is coming over and Knox springs into action, LOOK OUT! (LOUD CHEERS!) Felix ducks under a wild right hand and Knox spinned around into a single-leg mule kick into the breadbasket!”

H’WOOD: “And where the hell are Hornet and Stevens? Why is the Presidential Box getting evacuated…”

O’CONNOR: “We still don’t have any cameramen in the area, or a ref! Red is actually heading up that stairwell, now…and it looks like Bruce Phillips is going to follow him! Joe getting up…OH! Knox with a lunging elbow strike to the side of Joe’s head! Joe’s down, Knox grabs him…LOOK OUT! (groans!) Joe goes headfirst into the back tire of the production truck! Now, Knox is headed towards the stairwell…”

(CUTTO: A sectioned off hallway that looks like the upper-echelon skybox area. There’s a few tuxedo waiters, black cocktail dress waitresses. QUICK CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD being ushered out of his skybox into the hallway. All of a sudden, HORNET comes into the picture…)

H’WOOD: “OH GOD.”

(CLOSEUP: Secret Service and PRESIDENT MAYFIELD all stopping in their tracks as they’re face-to-face with a blood covered and heavily limping HORNET who seems to be looking at everything in the area, but them. Finally, HORNET makes eye contact with MAYFIELD…THE PRESIDENT takes a look at HORNET’S feet and almost ralphs on the spot.)

SECRET SERVICE MAN: “Excuse me sir! This concession area has been sectioned off only for the Presidential Party!”

HORNET: “NO F(BLEEP!)ING S(BLEEP!)T, does it look like I’m about to order a pizza!?”

MAYFIELD: (smiling oddly) “Is the production truck on fire?”

HORNET: “No, but it’s gonna need a new paintjob and a sh—”

O’CONNOR: “LOOK OUT! (LOUD SCREAMS! CRACK!) NOOOOOOOO! STEVENS WITH A BLINDSIDE CHAIRSHOT! HORNET’S DOWN! Mayfield…Mayfield must have seen Triple X lurking behind Hornet and baited the legend into a Die Hard quote competiton!”

H’WOOD: “John McClain would last a week against Eddie! Then, he’d join him and rightfully take his place at Cojones Mercado’s post!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet could be unconscious and a smiling Sean Stevens tosses the chair away, nodding to an also smiling President. Stevens now pacing around Hornet, OH COME ON! (boos!) Stevens standing on top of Hornet’s bad ankle and lower leg…OH! Double Stomp on it and Hornet’s screaming in pain! Stevens now grabbing Hornet’s foot (crowd gets loud!) Stevens has an Ankle Lock in place! I don’t know if Stevens has worked this move extensively, but judging by Hornet’s screams…I’d believe if he said he did!”

H’WOOD: “Call the match, Mr. President! Call the match! We don’t want to end Hornet’s just burgeoning career! Think of his future!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s grasping at his hair, only ‘cause there’s nothing to get him out of this…he’s trying to crawl towards some seated tables, but OH MAN. (LOUD BOOS!) The Secret Service all just shifted to the right with Mayfield in the middle of them! HERE COMES SOMEBODY! (crowd gets loud!) IT’S BRUCE PHILLIPS! ‘POWERSLIDE’ PHILLIPS, the second official is on the scene! …but that can only mean… (LOUD ROARS!) STEVE KNOX! STEVE KNOX! He’s got Stevens locked in a Cobra Clutch Sleeper! Stevens still has that ankle lock on Hornet! And wait…(MORE CHEERS!) FELIX RED! Felix just leapt onto Knox’s back and locked in a Sleeper Hold of his own! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?”

H’WOOD: (over crowd “NFW!” chants!) “You just can’t script this kind of madness! I don’t care what anyone in the so-called news media world says about us!”

O’CONNOR: “Bruce Phillips doesn’t know what to do! He can’t check on all these men at the same time, word has it that Greg Herpin has remained in the medical staff room…apparently, he lost a tooth thanks to Steve Knox…and a possibly broken jaw, JEEZ. What was Knox thinking?”

H’WOOD: “And you know how much Eddie hates paying for anyone’s dental insurance unless it’s for a whitening and cleaning job!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens is starting to slump over, but so is Knox! And you can tell that Hornet isn’t in as much pain, but he may be in dire straits if things go awry with the position of his leg in Stevens’ loosening grasp. Hornet’s trying to pull himself out…OHGOD. (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OH DEAR GOD.”

(CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER slowly stalking into the scene, nodding his head and smiling. His face is covered in blood… JOE: “UGHHHHHHHHHHHN!” TIME TO GREASE UP THE FRAKKIN’ PARTY!”)

O’CONNOR: (over cheers!) “Joe charging in! HE JUMPS! (LOUD ROARS!) And London Bridge just fell down, Lamont! Joe tried to jump on Felix’s back, but that was too much for Stevens and Knox to brace up with their fading states of consciousness! And…that doesn’t look pretty for Hornet, either…his leg got caught up in the bottom of the pile and he’s yelling in pain! Felix and Joe look to be getting up first, but Felix is trying to pull out Steve Knox from the fray…Joe’s now got one of Felix’s dreads and swerves him around! BIONIC ELBOW! Felix just went bowlegged for a moment, here comes another elbow…NO! Felix smartly drops out and dropkicks Joe in the knee! Knox rushes at Joe! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) They just broke through those two office doors!”

H’WOOD: “Those weren’t office doors!”

(CUTTO: The crowd, ALL STANDING. Their hands up in the air in victory pose, while JOE THE PLUMBER and STEVE KNOX tumble over chairs in the PRESIDENTIAL BOX!)

O’CONNOR: “That’s the Presidential Skybox that they’re in! THIS IS DANGEROUS, LAMONT! THIS COULD END SOMEONE’S CAREER!”

(CUTTO: Staff and Security quickly rushing out of the entrance area and darting towards the sectioned off area underneath the Presidential Skybox, where the oddly large number of tables nearby has become…not so odd.)

O’CONNOR: “Knox and Joe getting to their feet and Knox thumbs the champ right in the eye! Joe falls over some chairs, but HOLD ON! Felix is in the box and he just jumped off a chair and caught Knox with a spinning leg lariat!”

(QUICK CUTTO: Secret Service hogtossing HORNET into the box, while EDDIE MAYFIELD is shielding himself away from the camera, where he’s helping SEAN STEVENS and giving him something…)

O’CONNOR: “What in the…”

(QUICK FLASH OF STATIC! CUTTO: Back to the Skybox shot! FELIX is punching away on KNOX’s scalp…)

O’CONNOR: “What was going on there!? Get the camera back online!”

H’WOOD: “Looks like there was a technical difficulty there. I’d blame Joe’s body grease connecting to that electrical box ‘causing some shortages…”

O’CONNOR: “Felix standing up, but Joe’s got his hand wrapped around those dreads again! (LOUD CHEERS!) OH! Joe’s got Felix up, NO! JOE DON’T! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHH! Joe just dropped Felix in a spreadeagled on the edge rail of the skybox! Felix is teetering on dropping ten feet! Joe’s stomping around in the box, pointing at Felix! WAIT! NOOOOOOO! (LOUD GROANS!) STEVE KNOX WITH A LOW-BLOW! Joe goes down like he’s shot and Knox is standing up! He’s charging at Felix! (CROWD SCREAMS! LOUD CRASH! MORE SCREAMS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHD! FELIX DUCKED! KNOX WENT UP AND OVAHHHHHHHHHHH!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX in the crop circle of two former wooden tables, his eyes are fluttering in R.E.M. as security and medical personnel rush over…more tables are getting pushed under the skybox by other stadium staff.)

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox could be dead! Felix Red now standing up, wait Hornet’s up…NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS! LOUD CRASH! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”) Hornet just lifted Felix up and over the edge! Felix goes through a table!”

(CUTTO: Secret Service and PRESIDENT MAYFIELD pushing Bruce Phillips down an escalator, running him towards the backstage ground floor area…)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s getting up and he charges into Hornet! They’re on the edge, Hornet trying to turn it around so he doesn’t go over first…Joe with a right! Hornet rakes the eyes and that turns Joe around! HOLD ON! (crowd gets loud!) SEAN STEVENS! TRIPLE X is in the box…wait, what’s he going with that!”

(SFX: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “HE JUST BLASTED A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!”

(SFX: GONNNNNNNNNG!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD BOOS!) “OHHHHHHHH! HE BATTERING RAMMED JOE’S FACE!”

H’WOOD: “Now that’s how you go into a situation like this!”

O’CONNOR: “With Presidential Preferential Treatment!? Hornet’s trying to regain his sight, but walks up into a SCOOP! Sean Stevens has him over the shoulder and he’s walking towards the edge of the box! (CROWD GETS VERY LOUD!) HE’S GOING TO BODY SLAM HIM OUT OF THE BOX!”

(CUTTO: SECURITY seeing HORNET about to go over the edge, rushing over ‘cause there’s no tables near them to break the fall!)

O’CONNOR: “DON’T DO IT SEAN! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) WOWWWWWWWW! HORNET CRASHES INTO…god knows how many security just broke his fall! But it’s enough that Hornet’s still freaking alive and moving!”

(CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS leaning over the skybox rail, angered by the inability to kill HORNET. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! STEVENS’ head quickly turns around at the fact the skybox is getting smoked out by a fire extinguisher!)

O’CONNOR: “I think Joe’s got that extinguisher…and he’s blasting himself in the face with its spray contents!”

(CUTTO: The continual WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! going strong as the whole skybox has been engulfed by a white powdered air…STEVENS looks at this in shock and starts looking below, CLIMBING ONTO the guardrail…)

O’CONNOR: “Is he gonna jump!? HE’S INSANE! HE’S GONNA JUMP!”

(CUTTO: STEVENS perching on the guardrail, while screams of “UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN! ‘OL JOE IS BREATHING YA IN MUTHA NATCHA!”)

CROWD: “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS looking angrily at the crowd, flipping two birds and…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “STEVENS IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRR! (LOUD SMACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHD!”

H’WOOD: “I…I think I’m gonna be sick.”

O’CONNOR: “Sean Stevens went for it all on Hornet! I think he went for a dropkick, but Hornet dove out of the way! Stevens just landed on his back and legs…he’s SCREAMING in pain, medical staff are rushing over!”

H’WOOD: “Sure, they catch Hornet…but they never catch the bad guy!”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD and Secret Service leading BRUCE PHILLIPS to the destroyed area, where the wrestlers and security are. MAYFIELD stops in complete shock at seeing STEVENS …he darts his head upwards hearing “UGHHHHHHHHHN!” shouted in the skybox. MAYFIELD grumbles “Joe” in Seinfeld/Newman traditions.)

O’CONNOR: “Catch Hornet!? He was tossed on them by Stevens! Hornet’s now limping over…I won’t be surprised if three of these wrestlers are in traction for the rest of their lives after what just ensued! Hornet’s got Stevens’ legs…(LOUD EXPLOSION!) SCORPION DEATHLAHHHHHHHK! HORNET’S LOCKED STEVENS IN ONE OF THE GREATEST FINISHERS OF ALL-TIME! (LOUD BOOS!) MAYFIELD IS TRYING TO HOLD PHILLIPS BACK! (cheers!) Phillips frees himself, although I think Eddie’s resigned to the circumstances!”

H’WOOD: “Stop the progress, President! You don’t need to let Old Yeller live for good ratings! Everyone enjoys a merciless ending!”

O’CONNOR: “Of all the spots that Sean Stevens wanted to be in, I think this is the LAST one he would’ve signed up for! He just dropped at least 10 feet off that skybox to the parquet floor, now Hornet has locked him in a finisher that’s won him over twenty World Championships in a two decade career!”

(CLOSEUP: The crowd, all standing and PHREAKING OUT! HORNET is leaning back with all he’s got as SEAN STEVENS’ crimson face is screaming wildly in pain! BRUCE PHILLIPS asks he wants to give up, but STEVENS refuses adamantly! CROWD: “TAP! TAP! TAP!”)

O’CONNOR: “It’s like the National Champioship Series all over again! Will Sean Stevens risk his career, his livelihood, his championships in other federations to win one of the most important matches in wrestling history inside the NFW ring!”

H’WOOD: “Shutup Beanfry! SHUTUP!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD pacing around, looking nervous. STEVENS clasping at his hair tightly, then letting out a loud scream as HORNET tries to arch back further!)

O’CONNOR: “After all that Hornet just survived at Stevens’ hands, this is only poetic justice! Referee Bruce Phillips trying to see if Stevens is going to quit…and HOLD ON! Stevens has his hand up! (crowd gets loud!) He could be reaching his breaking point!”

H’WOOD: “Don’t do it, Sean! Show Lamont and the world what you’re really made of! Now, pull out your hidden aerosol can!”

O’CONNOR: “I don’t think it’s gonna work like that, Woodman!”

H’WOOD: “…Crap.”

(CLOSEUP: PHILLIPS asking STEVENS if he wants to stop the match, while STEVENS has his hand above the ground…shaking in pain…until in clenches…and flips the bird at PHILLIPS to crowd roars!)

H’WOOD: “YES! YES! Only the finest heel would refuse to sell a human bee’s submission hold that has NOTHING to do with his species! At least if he called himself Pointed Tail or Sting or something, it’d reference the Scorpion species, but please somebody explain why he chose HORNET? WHAT WAS HE THINKING!? WHY ISN’T HIS FINISHER CALLED THE HONEYDRIPPER!?”

O’CONNOR: “Well, Lamont…he is from Greensboro.”

H’WOOD: “Oh, yeahhhhhhh…right…they don’t have schools there. The only course in Biology they’ll ever know is why Cousin Eddie is a reason not to bang your Cousin Nettie, who’s really the daughter of your Cousin Betty and Freddie.”

(QUICK CUTTO: Through the thick, dust cloud of extinguisher smoke a raised right fist pops out to crowd roars! Slowly, JOE THE PLUMBER morphs through the fog with his hand in the air and his eyes bulging out like a baboon on crank…looking like he’s taken a deep inhale, a huff of white smoke French exhales through JTP’s twitching nostrils as his face ticks like a hummingbird on a pot of espresso. JOE flicks some blood off his face, then starts climbing on the skybox ledge to crowd roars! CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!” Joe starts balancing… QUICK CUTTO: MAYFIELD shouting at security to form around him, also ordering them to drag medical personnel away from the injured FELIX RED and STEVE KNOX, so he’s completely shielded.)

O’CONNOR: “IT’S THE CHAMP! HE’S LITERALLY RUNNING ON FUMES OF GOD-KNOWS-WHAT, WOODMAN! YOU’VE GOT THE METAPHORICAL LEEWAY THIS TIME!”

H’WOOD: “Metaphorical leeway?! Right now, I’m considering becoming a born-again Christian as long as that bastard doesn’t eat my soul tonight…or hurt the President.”

O’CONNOR: “Triple X looks like he may pass out at any moment! He’s been in that hold for over two minutes by now…it’s not like he’s had a respite from that damaging fall! Joe’s staring down at Eddie…who being the BRAVE PRESIDENT has pulled all twenty staffworkers around him in a impenetrable cocoon!”

(CUTTO: JTP swaying and standing on the ledge of the skybox, while the crowd chants “JOE! JOE! JOE!” JTP starts nodding and looks up at the lights, “TROJAN MAN! JOHN TROJAN! UGHHHHHHHHHHN! THIS IS FOR OLD MAN PLUMMAH! I AM MORE MAN THAN UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU!”)

O’CONNOR: “Joe is just shouting insanity towards the rafters, an obvious byproduct of huffing every unimaginable chemical in this world or Rite-Aid…and god knows how many shots to the head!”

(CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS reaching up towards the rafters, screaming in intense pain! “TAP! TAP! TAP!” echoing from the fans near the scene, as BRUCE PHILLIPS stands next to HORNET… watching, waiting… Suddenly and accompanied by crowd screams, STEVENS’ body slumps into unconsciousness! PHILLIPS rushes over and leans down, grabbing his hand and raising it in the air…)

O’CONNOR: “This could be it! THIS COULD BE IT! Stevens’ hand drops once! (CROWD: “JUMP JOE JUMP!”) Stevens’ hand drops…TWICE! (CROWD ROARS!) IT DROPPED TWICE! PHILLIPS’ RAISES IT A THIRD TIME! JOE HASN’T JUMPED! HE’S STILL SLAPPING HIMSELF IN A FRENZY! …a THIRD time!?”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ face shooting upwards as he forces his hand from the rafters, struggling intensely to keep his hand up!)

O’CONNOR: “STEVENS KEEPS THE HAND UP! HE WON’T QUIT! HE WON’T SURRENDER!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t think he’s gonna live much longer, either! JOE’S GONNA JUMP!”

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION! CROWD: “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”) OH. MY. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! JOE JUMPED! HE WENT FOR THE BIONIC ELBOW…BUT HORNET BROUGHT BRUCE PHILLIPS IN FOR TENUOUS COVER AT BEST! (CROWD: “EN-EFF-DUB! EN-EFF-DUB!” redux) EVERYONE’S DOWN! EVERYONE’S OUT! WE DON’T HAVE A REF! I REPEAT…WE DO NOT HAVE A REF!”

(QUICK CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD peeping out from the human bunker, his eyes bulging out as he sees all six men down on the parquet floor and the fans in hysterics! MAYFIELD burrows out, gets up to a standing base quickly and surveys the situation while adjusting his tie. Into the scene, come COJONES MERCADO and few more Secret Service agents. MAYFIELD starts almost swings at COJONES and then points towards the ring…)

O’CONNOR: (over crowd buzz!) “The President he’s directing his Secret Service and Cojones Mercado to pick up the wrestlers in the match, god knows what this is all about…”

H’WOOD: “Maybe its Survive the Execution portion of this match?”

O’CONNOR: “At 90 minutes in…are we sure that wasn’t a clause in the President’s contract? (crowd still buzzing…) It actually looks like they’re taking them to ringside, which may actually be a smart move by our esteemed President.”

H’WOOD: “Can’t you just applaud the man for once in your bitter life?”

O’CONNOR: “Well, notoriously getting left behind is Referee Bruce Phillips. And let’s face it Woodman, Joe and Hornet are getting kicked and shoved down the aisle, while Knox and Red are being pushed. Meanwhile, Stevens has a couple secret service agents helping him…”

H’WOOD: “You can tell who’s the good tipper, that’s all that’s about. These guys watch cars too, Beansprout. No wonder your car keeps getting keyed.”

O’CONNOR: “…I’ve never, ever told you about that. How did you know? (pause) Oh jesus, Lamont. I’ve spent thousands!”

H’WOOD: “It wasn’t me! It was…uhhh…I think Cojones told me about some security cam footage…”

O’CONNOR: “Red and Knox are back in the ring, Joe’s lumbering along the aisleway…and Hornet’s not even close right now, he can barely walk. Stevens is being helped to a chair at ringside, that’s just rich…”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and MERCADO watching medical staff try to revive PHILLIPS, but not having any luck…)

O’CONNOR: “Red and Knox are in the ring and on their backs…I mean, how could any of these wrestlers stand at this point…the ladder and barbed wire still in the ring, mind you…wait. WAIT! (crowd cheers!) Felix is crawling towards Knox! He’s going for the cover on him, but there’s no ref!”

(CUTTO: RED slowly slapping the mat a couple of times, which KNOX reacts to on instinct by shooting a shoulder up…)

O’CONNOR: “We don’t have a referee! Herpin got his brain dislodged by Steve Knox…Phillips is down and out from Joe’s insane jump out of the skybox…and now, Joe’s getting inside the ring with Felix and Knox. Here comes Joe! (cheers!) Overhand right to Felix! Felix with a right to the gut! Felix up…and rakes the eyes of the champion! Joe staggering away and Knox struggling up…Felix has Knox up onto his shoulders! (crowd gets loud!) KNOX HAS NOWHERE TO GO! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) ECSTASY OF THE AGONY! THE FAIR SHAKE INTO A SITOUT DOMINATOR!”

H’WOOD: “And Armando Montezuma may have just gotten sick seeing that!”

O’CONNOR: “Red covers! BUT THERE’S NO REF! Felix slapping his hand on the mat, but he’s getting nothing on this…OH! Joe rushing over with a stomp to the back of Felix’s head…another stomp! Hornet’s still not even at ringside and he’s actually getting taped up by some medical staff. Joe lifting up Felix by his dreads and delivers a Bionic Elbow! Felix staggering around and boot to the gut! Felix should have just won this match, now he’s in big trouble! POWER—NO! (LOUD CHEERS! CRACK! CROWD GROANS!) HURRICANRANA BY FELIX! Joe just flipped up and over into the ladder! Felix getting up, Knox getting up…LOOK OUT! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH EIGHT! GOLD RUSH EIGHT! THE AWESOME TAKES MANHATTAN! THE AWESOME TAKES MANHATTAN!”

H’WOOD: “We still don’t have a ref, Beansprouts! I don’t know why you’re so excited!”

O’CONNOR: “Knox has Felix covered, he’s slapping his hand on the mat!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and COJONES looking around frantically…the PRESIDENT looking for a solution to a huge problem with PHILLIPS still out of it…)

MAYFIELD: “Where the hell’s Roland Priest, he’s a referee!”

MERCADO: (scratching his head) “NO HERE. EXECUTED.”

MAYFIELD: “Damnit! What about Speranza?”

MERCADO: “NO WORK WITH NO BENEFITS.”

MAYFIELD: “DAMN! It’s not my fault his union asked for vision! I said they miss all the calls anyway…AH F(BLEEP!)K THIS!”

(MAYFIELD rushes over to PHILLIPS, while taking off his suit jacket and tie.)

O’CONNOR: “What’s Eddie doing? What’s the President thinking of doing?”

H’WOOD: “I don’t know, I’m a little frightened that he may be leaping into something without looking out for himself…”

O’CONNOR: “Is…Is he putting on the referee’s shirt!?”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD donning PHILLIPS’ ref shirt and running down the aisle! The crowd jumping up and down in a frenzy in the background…)

O’CONNOR: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!”

H’WOOD: “Never doubt your President, Beansprout! He’s always looking out for his company!”

O’CONNOR: “I highly doubt this, but Mayfield’s running like I’ve never seen before…he slides into the ring, Knox is screaming at him! Mayfield with the count! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! (w/ crowd) TWOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) Oh come on!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD bent over, hacking and coughing…KNOX screaming at him to count 3! MAYFIELD lunges and goes for it!)

O’CONNOR: “THRRRRRRRRRNO! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX KICKS OUT! FELIX KICKED OUT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing and coughing out his black tarred lungs, pulling out a pack of Camels from the front pocket of his referee’s shirt…all of a sudden, STEVE KNOX is on his feet and pushing him into the corner!)

H’WOOD: “DISQUALIFICATION! DISQUALIFICATION! AWARD THE MATCH TO SOMEONE!”

O’CONNOR: “Mayfield is coughing all over Knox and this isn’t helping, but that man might! (LOUD ROARS!) HORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH! JOE HITS THE HORNET SPLASH! Mayfield ducked out of the way and Knox turned right into it! Knox staggering around the ring…BOOT TO THE GUT! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S GOING FOR IT ALL! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) SH(BLEEP!)T RIVER UGHHHHHHHHHHHN! PLUNGE! THE TIGAH DRIVAH HITS! JOE COVERS! HE’S GOT HIM PINNED! (LOUD BOOS!) No…NO…COME ON MAN! COME ON!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD oblivious to the situation, shakily lighting up a Camel Cigarette. Trash starts flying into the ring as MAYFIELD turns around and his eyes open up widely, the cigarette dangling from his lips…)

O’CONNOR: “Joe hasn’t looked up and seen who the ref is, he’s just headbanging and yelling ONE! TWO! THREE! Over and over again!”

H’WOOD: “Run Eddie…run now while you’re alive…”

O’CONNOR: “NOBODY EXPECTED THIS! NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND THOUGHT THIS COULD HAPPEN!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD shaking his head no repeatedly, falling to his knees…)

O’CONNOR: “ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!”

(MAYFIELD shouts “ONE!” takes a puff, slaps his hand a second time…)

O’CONNOR: “TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

(JOE starts sniffing around and then swerves his head to make eye contact with MAYFIELD, who’s shouting “TWO!” after taking a second puff on his cigarette. JTP screams “UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN!” MAYFIELD immediately leaps to his feet in indescribable fear as JTP jumps up with innumerable hatred…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “NO JOE! DON’T DO THIS! He’s chasing President Mayfield around the ring, he totally forgot or didn’t care that Mayfield was counting the pinfall for this match… (LOUD CHEERS!) JOE’S GOT EDDIE’S COLLAR! He spins him around and swings a wild right, but Eddie dodges out of way…OHNO. NO, JOE…he’s got Eddie in the corner…MEANWHILE! SEAN STEVENS HAS ROLLED IN THE RING! He’s got Knox by the legs… (CROWD SCREAMS!) SCORPION DEATHLOCK! HE’S GOT STEVE KNOX IN HORNET’S FINISHER! That’s…That’s three SIGNATURES of this match in a row to Steve Knox!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET pushing away medics as they try to keep taping up his feet and injured ankle/lower leg. He starts limping quickly towards the ring. On the other screen, PRESIDENT MAYFIELD is pleading for his life as JTP has him cornered and gripped by the ref shirt lapels…In the background, STEVENS has an unconscious KNOX in the Scorpion!)

H’WOOD: “You gotta wonder where Ivy learned this move and where she taught it, Beansprouts!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red is stumbling to his feet and walking along the apron, while Hornet’s on the opposite apron…Joe’s still hanging onto Eddie!”

(CUTTO: KNOX letting out a yell of pain, which snaps JOE out of his glaring staredown at PRESIDENT MAYFIELD who’s trying to tell him to relax. JTP looks him up and down, “Nice frakkin’ shirt…” JTP turns around towards KNOX, his eyes widening and his hands releasing MAYFIELD immediately. JOE: “I THOUGHT I SMELLED SOME HEAT ACTIVATION!”)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s rushing towards Stevens from behind! (cheers!) HE’S GOT HIM BY THE HAIR! (MORE CHEERS!) STEVENS SENT UP AND OVER THE TOP! Meanwhile, Felix Red is climbing the top rope! Joe rolling Knox over for the pin! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS!) FEEEEEEELIX FLIES! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD GROANS! LOUD BOOS!) SHATTERED HORIIIIIIZON! SWANTAHHHHHHHHHN BOMMMMMMMMMMMB! OHMYGAHD! OH MY FREAKING GOD! Mayfield leapt out of the way, he didn’t count the three! Joe leapt out of the way, so Steve Knox might be FREAKING DEAD!”

H’WOOD: “He’s certainly looking like something dead may crawl out of him at any moment too…”

O’CONNOR: “Mayfield’s nervously smoking, Hornet’s limping into the ring – WHOA! (LOUD POP!) FELIX WITH A KIPUP! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX KICK! He caught Hornet right in the face and the legend falls down and almost out of the ring! Felix jumps onto Knox and covers! ONE! WHOA! (crowd roars!) Joe pulls Eddie away and grabs Felix by the dreads! LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) Joe tried to toss Felix out of the ring, but he didn’t see the former World Champion hang on! Felix is skinning the cat, while Joe falls on top of Knox! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) Felix pulls Eddie out of the way, I don’t think the President likes this!”

H’WOOD: “I think he’s just afraid someone’s going to steal his Italian leather…”

O’CONNOR: “Joe on his feet and he’s in Felix’s grill…OH! Quick kneestrike by Felix! He caught Joe right in the gut and another quick kneelift! Joe on the mat, hold up! Stevens back in the ring! Felix better turn around… (LOUD GROANS!) OH! Vicious Roaring Elbow to the back of the head, Felix off the ropes…his back to Stevens again and OHNO! (LOUD ROARS!) Stevens tried to toss Felix out of the ring and he’s skinning the cat again, but Stevens is waiting for him! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) Stevens hits a running kneestrike sending Felix flying and into the guardrail!”

H’WOOD: “That’s important to show that Stevens is the only one using his ring smarts right now, ‘cause someone needs to pull this out already and I don’t think any of them have anything left in the tank!”

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox looks like dead weight in Joe’s hands…OH NO! (LOUD SMACK! CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS FIRED THE X-FACTOR SUPERKICK! JOE MOVED! …KNOX DIDN’T!”

H’WOOD: “But he so AWESOMELY collapsed OUTSIDE the ring, which doesn’t help my President or my pick to win this match!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet can BARELY stand…Felix is trying to get up. Knox…seriously, he could be dead. In the ring, this may be what EVERYONE wanted to see right now… (crowd getting LOUD! STOMPS! CLAPS!) Stevens and Joe the Plumber are standing across the ring from each other, bloody…battered…and 94 minutes into what is more than ANYONE could have asked for in this dream supermatch. (LOUD ROARS!) JOE CHARGES! (groans!) Stevens moves out of the way, Joe puts on the brakes before hitting that ladder! (CRACK!) But Stevens helps him by smacking his head into hit! Joe teetering, Stevens grabs him by the head! (GROANS!) REVERSE NECKBREAKER! Stevens with a quick cover! ONE! TWO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) THRNO! (BOOS!) C’MON, THAT COUNT WAS FAST!”

H’WOOD: “It looked perfectly in line with his other counts!”

O’CONNOR: “I didn’t see a cigarette break taking place…”

H’WOOD: “He’s still smoking!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens yelling in frustration, but making sure to nod at the Presidential Referee for the…completely normal pinfall count according to my analyst over here. Stevens has Joe by the hair…he’s got Joe reeling into a standing headscissors, I think he’s going for the Tiger Driver! He’s going for JOE’S move! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) JOE’S TRYING TO FIGHT IT! (LOUD ROARS!) HE’S GOT STEVENS UP, BUT STEVENS HAS HIS ARMS! (CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS HAS JOE IN A SUNSET FLIP! ONE! TWO! (SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOO! JOE KICKS OUT! Both men scrambling up and Triple-X with an inside cradle! ONE! TWO! REVERSED! ONE! …C’MON! TWOOOOO! …NO! REVERSED! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT!”

H’WOOD: “Can we award this match on points? I wanted to go to bed before next year…”

O’CONNOR: “Both men up and Joe with his own sunset flip! (LOUD BOOS!) C’mon Eddie, you can catch your breath later! (BOOS!) Stevens already kicks out before Eddie’s even in shape to count, he’s puffing that cigarette like its an asthma inhaler!”

H’WOOD: “Don’t judge the President, Beanfry…he knows his body, he knows what clears thoses airways…”

O’CONNOR: “Both men are up and Stevens swings a wild right! Joe ducks! JOE’S GOING FOR A BACKSLIDE! (LOUD BOOS! JOE SCREAMS!) EDDIE PUT HIS CIGARETTE OUT ON JOE’S HEAD! (LOUD ROARS!) THAT ONLY HELPED JOE! HE’S SCREAMING LIKE A WILD MAN! (CROWD CHEERS!) He’s got Stevens over! ONNNNNNE! …COME ON! TWOOOOOOO! No! (BOOS!) He’s not counting as fast, not by a longshot! Stevens kicks out and Joe’s stomping around frustrated as all hell and I can’t blame him… (CROWD: “BULLLLLLLLSHIT!” repeat) Joe points at Eddie and makes a cutthroat motion! (CROWD ROARS!) Stevens is already up and walks right into a boot by Joe! Joe’s hooking him around the head…”

(CLOSEUP: JOE screaming “LET’S BUST A BRAIN LIKE I BUST BONNIE MAYFIELD’S INNER TUBING WITH MY UGHHHHHHHN! MONKEY WRENCH!”)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s got Stevens up, I think it could be a for a Brainb—WHAT THE HELL? (CROWD SCREAMS!) What an athletic move by Stevens! He spinned out and landed behind Joe in a Reverse DDT…WAIT! He’s got Joe UP…AND OVERRRRRRRR! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) X-TERMINATORRRRRRRRR! THE OSAKA STREET CUTTER STRIKES JOE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!”

(TRI-SCREEN ACTION! HORNET shakily climbing the turnbuckles on one side, FELIX RED woozily climbing the other turnbuckles and SEAN STEVENS slowly crawling towards JTP!)

O’CONNOR: “THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t like what’s setting up one bit!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens has covered Joe! He’s slamming his hand on the mat, but Eddie’s fixated on Hornet and Felix climbing the ropes! (LOUD BOOS!) He’s shaking the ropes! (LOUD GROANS!) OH! HORNET SPREADEAGLES! Felix holding on for dear life, but still alright! Stevens yelling for a pin! Eddie drops in! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! FELIX IS IN THE AIR! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) EDDIE MOVED THEM! EDDIE MOVED THEM! Felix went for the SWANTON BOMB SHATTERED HORIZON…and Eddie lunged into Stevens and Joe, rolling them out of the area! FELIX IS OUT!”

H’WOOD: “Easy, Sean…Easy…”

O’CONNOR: “Now, Stevens is arguing with Eddie and slapping his hands three times instead of recovering Joe! Now…he does! WILL THIS BE IT!?”

H’WOOD: “Oh boy…I hope so NOW.”

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD ROARS!) “I don’t think Eddie liked what Sean just had to say to him about his arithmetic. He’s lighting up a cigarette before counting and points at Sean. ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEENO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY TOOK TOO LONG! STEVENS AND MAYFIELD LET JOE STAY IN THE GAME! THEY LET EVERYONE STAY IN!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD already on his feet, eyes wide open and in shock. STEVENS looks at the PRESIDENT incredulously, then down at JOE…)

O’CONNOR: “Stevens on his feet and he blasts Felix with a kick to the head knocking him out of the ring, where Steve Knox is just regaining consciousness possibly…in the ring, Sean Stevens… (crowd gets loud!) He’s got that ladder! LOOK OUT! (CRACK! CROWD BOOS!) HE JUST SLAMMED IT ON JOE! Stevens is on the apron and climbing the top rope now… (crowd gets loud!) Stevens going all the way up!”

H’WOOD: “I’m nervous, Beansprouts…something doesn’t seem right!”

O’CONNOR: (over SCREAMS!) “STEVENS IN THE AIRRRRRRRR! (LOUD CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHD! DOUBLE PUMP FROG SPLASH! STEVENS KILLED JOE! I THINK HE KILLED HIM!”

H’WOOD: “I…I think he killed himself…”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens is rolling around the ring in agony…the ladder’s dented and covering an unconscious World Champion! Mayfield’s even trying to help Stevens over to Joe! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) MAYFIELD HAS HIM ON THE LADDER AND JOE!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD dusting off his hands after placing TRIPLE X on top of JTP, while STEVENS coughs violently and shakes spastically. JTP’s foot twitches a couple times, nothingmore. MAYFIELD takes a long, satisfied drag on his cigarette and drops down to count…)

H’WOOD: “The end is NIGH on Joe the Plumber and the cult, drugged out and criminal fans of New Frontier! I couldn’t be more happy to see this man do it!”

O’CONNOR: “Uh…I wouldn’t say that just yet, Woodman!”

H’WOOD: “What now!?”

(CUTTO: HORNET trying to steady himself on the top rope that he just crushed his nuts on. His injured leg keeps nearly buckling as he can’t find a balance… CROWD: “DON’T DIE PAUL! DON’T DIE PAUL!”)

H’WOOD: “Oh no.”

O’CONNOR: “ONNNNNNNNNE!! HORNET NEEDS TO GET GOING!”

(CUTTO: HORNET lets go of the corner ropes, standing up straight and closing his eyes. He takes a deep inhale, making a sign to the Lord…and then opening his eyes with a smile…”YIPEE-KAY-AY…” We all know the rest.)

H’WOOD: “Oh no, oh no…”

O’CONNOR: (w/ crowd!) “TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) HORNET’S IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRRRR! (H’WOOD: “OH. NO.” CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) SHOOTING STAR PRESSSSSSS! NO F’N WAY! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHD! HORNET CRUSHED STEVENS…THE LADDER…AND THE CHAMP!”

H’WOOD: “This is cruel…this is madness…”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD, his hand still raised to come down a THIRD and FINAL time…the Camel hanging off his bottom lip. MAYFIELD gazes blankly in shock, while HORNET pulls STEVENS off of the ladder…and then picks up the ladder.)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s got the ladder and (groans!) He just threw it out of the ring on Knox…that’s just a cherry on top of the cupcake.”

H’WOOD: “This…is insanity…”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet…limping towards Eddie Mayfield who’s now on his feet.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET using the ropes for balance, his face bloody…he leans down and picks up the halo razorwire that used to be on JOE’s head. HORNET: “I don’t want there to be trouble, Mr. President.” MAYFIELD gulps, but then watches HORNET toss the wire onto the champ…who’s completely motionless.)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet falling to his knees…and… (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S COVERING TRIPLE X! SEAN STEVENS MAY AS WELL BE DEAD! HORNET COVERS! ONNNNNNE! (w/ CROWD!) TWOOOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET WINS! HORNET WI—WAIT NO! NOOOOOO! NO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVENS GOT A SHOULDER UP! (LOUD GROANS!) …and…and I’ll give it to him…that was a LEGIT count by the President!”

H’WOOD: “I can’t take this Beanfry, I’m gonna puke…I’m gonna cry, I’m gonna call Paul Tonelli and talk about the days when this insanity would get us deported to Thailand in exchange for a twelve pack of Coors and circus monkeys!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet CAN’T believe it himself! He’s STARING HOLES at Mayfield, who’s only shrugging in complete…and all-too obvious happy surprise. Hornet…(crowd gets loud!) He’s rolling Stevens out of the ring from his knees…shaking his head in disbelief. (CROWD GETTING LOUDER!) That’s leaving him ALONE with JOE. You can’t…I can’t…Hornet’s standing up slowly and limping towards the unconscious champion.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET stalking towards JOE, PRESIDENT MAYFIELD following and his cigarette quivering on his lips…HORNET leans down and lifts up both of JOE’S legs in his hands…the crowd starts roaring, the scene playing out as they always dreamed! HORNET looks up to the lights and then around at the crowd and starts nodding with a wry grin.)

O’CONNOR: “THE SCORPION DEATHLOCK! Hornet’s going for the Scorpion!”

H’WOOD: “Well, don’t just stand there…get it over with! At least you’re the lesser of two evils, you middle-aged freak of pillpopping greatness!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet stepping through with his leg!”

H’WOOD: (over LOUD CHEERS!) “NONONONONONO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

O’CONNOR: “WHAT THE!? (CROWD ROARS!) JOE’S GOT HORNET’S LEG! JOE’S ALIVE! HE’S ALIIIIIIIVE! HORNET BUCKLES! HORNET’S DOWN! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) WAIT! YESSSSSSSSSSSS! THE LOCKJAWWWWWWW! JOE’S ANKLE LOCK! HE’S GOT HIS LEGS WRAPPED AROUND HORNET’S TORSO… HORNET’S CINCHED IN! …there’s no way to go, except ACROSS the ring.”

H’WOOD: “Just…just don’t tap! Someone’s still alive…RIGHT!?”

CROWD: “TAP! TAP! TAP!”

H’WOOD: “Hornet’s always caved towards the fans, he’s gonna listen to them!”

O’CONNOR: “He’s trying not to and Eddie Mayfield’s looking outside the ring where Felix Red, Steve Knox and Sean Stevens…they’re all still down.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET screaming violently! PRESIDENT MAYFIELD kneeling with him and grabbing his hands… MAYFIELD: “You can do this soldier! I won’t let you tap…someone will save you! As your President, I promise that…”)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet swinging at the President, now clutching and clawing at himself in pain! Can Hornet hold on…can he…(LOUD ROARS!) JOE’S BITING! HE’S BITING HORNET! OH MY GOD! …wait…are you SERIOUS!? (”JOE! JOE! JOE!”) HE’S GOT THE RAZORWIRE IN HIS MOUTH AND BITES BACK INTO HORNET!”

H’WOOD: “Yup…I’m back to the puking stage.”

O’CONNOR: “I’ve never seen Hornet in this much pain! Sean Stevens dug the hole… (LOUD SCREAMS!) And I think Joe might cover the grave! HORNET MIGHT HAVE PASSED OUT! HE MIGHT HAVE PASSED OUT! (CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!” repeat) Mayfield doesn’t know what to do, he saw Hornet’s head just lull forward and bounce off the mat…there was only so much he could take in this hold! Joe’s still biting and knawing, twisting and torquing that ravaged, cracked and shredded ankle and leg of Hornet…”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD defeatedly falling to his knees and picking up HORNET’s arm in the air one time…IT DROPS. The crowd ROARS in response! MAYFIELD’s lips start quivering…)

O’CONNOR: “I don’t believe what we’re watching…”

H’WOOD: “I don’t believe any of this, it’s just a bad dream…”

O’CONNOR: “President Mayfield raises Hornet’s arm a second time… (the crowd vacuums into silence, waiting…) YESSSSSSSSS! (CROWD ROARS!) IT DROPS! IT’S DROPPED TWICE! Wait, WHOA! Eddie’s on his feet!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD on his feet, pacing around the ring and possibly making a deal with Buddha, Christ, John Smith and Ali Baba to keep the match going. He drops down to HORNET again, slowly picking up his arm…the crowd starts SCREAMING!)

O’CONNOR: “COME ON, DO IT EDDIE! DO IT!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD closing his eyes and dropping the arm.)

O’CONNOR: “WILL IT DROP?!?! (LOUD CROWD EXPLOSION!) YESSSSSSSSSSSS! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! RING THE BELL! RING THE BELL!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD opening with one eye, HORNET’S hand splayed on the mat. EDDIE starts clenching his fists and slitting his eyes, trying to push down the anger…he bows his head…)

O’CONNOR: “RING THE BELL! RING THE FREAKING BELL!”

H’WOOD: “Don’t do it, Eddie! THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE MUST STRIKE BACK!”

(SFX: BELL RINGING! CROWD EXPLOSION! CUEUP: Those damn, dirty dogs barking!)

CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!”

O’CONNOR: “YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT’S OVAHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT A MATCH! HOLY MARYMOTHEROFMERCY! JOE THE PLUMBAH! HE’S DONE IT! HE’S RETAINED! THIS IS HISTORY! I DON’T BELIEVE IT!”

SIMS (V/O): “At 101 minutes, the winner by submission and STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) ENN-EFF-DOUBLE YOUUUUUUUUU CHAMPION OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRRLD! JOE! THE! PLUMMMMMMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe the Plumber is NFW World Heavyweight Champion and PRESIDENT EDDIE MAYFIELD…HAHA! HE HAS NO CHOICE! He can only watch his hands…present JOE THE PLUMBER with the NFW World Championship…ONE! MORE! TIME!”

H’WOOD: “Alright Beanfry! We get it! SHUT! THE! HELL! UP!”

(CUTTO: Officials handing MAYFIELD the NFW World Championship, while the PRESIDENT angrily puffs on a newly lit Camel, while O.D.B. blasts on the arena speakers… All the wrestlers are still lying on the ground…)

O’CONNOR: “What a scene. What a night. What an end…”