World eWrestling Rag

March 6, 2010

NFW Crash 50: NFW Title Match

(CLOSEUP: The middle of the ring, JOE THE PLUMBER backpedaling, pointing and screaming towards MAYFIELD as he starts intaking the four corners surrounding him. STEVENS. HORNET. KNOX. FELIX. JOE stops and starts spinning in a circle, now talking god-knows-what towards them…suddenly, he points to the sky and screams “UGHHHHHHHHHN!”)

O’CONNOR: “JOE’S CHARGING STEVENS! STEVENS WITH A RIGHT, WAITING FOR IT! NO! DUCKED! JOE BLASTS STEVENS WITH A RIGHT! LOOKOUT! (crowd groans!) OH! KNOX WITH A ROARING ELBOW TO THE SIDE OF JOE’S SKULL! The champion falls through the ropes as Hornet and Felix might be playing the smartest game by not even moving yet. Felix still slouched in the corner and I think Hornet’s starting slow, he’s been in the ring with only one man in this ring. Knox pacing the ropes and yelling for Joe the roll back in, LOOKIT THIS! (cheers!) Joe pulled out Knox by his boots! Joe with a right! Another right! Stevens rolling out of the ring – WAIT! (ROARS!) FELIX WITH A SLIDING DROPKICK INTO STEVENS’ JAW! (crack!) Stevens hits off the barricade and Hornet’s all alone in the ring! We’ve got a pile against the barricade, standing and smacking each other with fists! Hornet gives a shrug, bounces off the ropes! (LOUD ROARS!) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! (LOUD CRASH!) SPRINGBOARD HORNET BODYSPLASH! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! (CROWD: “PAUL IS DEAD! PAUL IS DEAD!”) What a start to this match and Hornet’s standing, lookit this! Joe’s looking at him wild-eyed, he managed to stay upright smashed against the barricade! OH! (roars!) Joe launches out with a headbutt on Hornet! Hornet’s sliding back in the ring…Joe’s going in after him…”

H’WOOD: “Y’know at some point, someone’s going to get caught up in the pageantry and hype for this match and forget they just need to win the damn thing. I know that’s what great men like our Guest of Honor, Armando Montezuma, would do.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe stalking after Hornet who bounces off the ropes and catches the champion with a right hand! Joe shaking it off and Hornet connects with another right to the top of Joe’s dome…Joe lets out a burlyman’s growl and returns the favor! Jab from Joe! Eyerake! Hornet’s staggered and Joe grabs his arm, we’ve got an Irish Whip! NO! (cheers!) Reversed by Hornet and OH! (BOOS!) STEVENS pulled down the ropes and Joe flew out of the ring! Stevens pulling himself up and here comes Hornet! Stevens ducks his head! (ROARS!) Hornet feigned he was jumping, but catches Stevens with a blasting kick to the head! Stevens staggering on the apron and Hornet has him by the hair and rams his face into the turnbuckles! Stevens now staggering the other way, Hornet turns him around and slingshots him into the ring! Stevens immediately scampers up, but he doesn’t have Hornet in his sights yet…DROPKICK! (cheers!) Stevens rushes up to his feet and catches another!”

H’WOOD: “If Stevens wants to win this match, he’s going to have to slow himself down! Did you see him want to go right after Joe? He’s now alone with Hornet and he’s wanted to been Old Man Yeller’s shotgun for 10 years!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens certainly seems to be on a wave of adrenaline ‘cause he’s already back up and wrapping Hornet around the waist, pushing the 40-year old legend into the turnbuckles! Shoulderblock! Shoulderblock! Hornet sent out packing! LOOKOUT! (WHAP! CROWD POP!) SPINNING LEG LARIAT BY FELIX! Hornet went down like he was shot! Stevens looks enraged, he’s rushing out at Felix! (LOUD GROANS! CROWD ROAR!) Felix counters by Drop Toe Holding Stevens into butting heads with the prone Hornet! What a move!”

(CUTTO: JOE shaking out the cobwebs outside the ring, STEVE KNOX cautiously waiting behind him…patiently awaiting a chance to strike.)

O’CONNOR: “The champion better watch his back ‘cause Steve Knox wants nothing more to break it! (LOUD ROARS!) Knox with a kick to the gut! He’s got Joe in a double underhook! OHHHHHH! BACKBREAKER! Joe writhing on the ground, but back in the ring…Felix bouncing off the ropes…(LOUD CHEERS!) SPLIT-LEGGED SLIDING DROPKICK TO HORNET AND STEVENS!”

H’WOOD: “Felix Red…only he would not know what the hell he’s decided to get in between these two…and make them pay for it! He immortally had the greatest line I felt in NFW East History during the Survivor Series Week, “What the hell is a CSWA?” Then, he created Kooter and completely lost my faith.”

O’CONNOR: “And yet you like Kooter now that he’s a extreme right wing Republican rulebreaker. How fitting. Knox picking up Joe…WATCH OUT! Headfirst into the barricade, I don’t know how bad that’s gonna mess up Joe who just staggers away…(CLANG! GROANS!) OHHHHH! Knox with a dropkick square into the back of Joe’s head, which sends him vaulting into the ringpost and over the stairs!”

H’WOOD: “And we’re not even sure if THAT messed him up.”

O’CONNOR: “Back in the ring, Felix Red is spryly staying out of the sight of the standing Hornet and Stevens…who now see each other as they get up! Right hand by Hornet! Right hand by Stevens! Hornet! Stevens! FELIX IS GOING UP TOP! Hornet! Stevens! Hornet! Stevens! (CROWD MARKING!) I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH THE TWO! HORNET! STEVENS! HORNET! STEVENS! THEY’RE BEATING EACH OTHER TO A PULP! (LOUD CHEERS!) FELIX PERCHED BEHIND THEM! HORNET! STEVENS! FELIX FLIES! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) DOUBLE BULLDOG!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: KNOX picking up JOE and slamming him throatfirst over the barricade outside the ring! RED picking up HORNET and body slamming him on top of STEVENS!)

O’CONNOR: “This match is quickly slipping into a situation where these competitors are not going to be able to stop pinfalls everywhere, if they’re not careful. Is anyone going to be smart enough to keep everyone close?”

H’WOOD: “This is NFW, Beanfry. Most likely, we’re about to watch a 60-minute war that will touch EVERY orifice of this arena, filling up my puke bucket in the process. And then SOMEHOW, everyone makes it back to the ring where a returning Shane Southern makes a 3-count that makes me stab my eyes out.”

O’CONNOR: “You just expect the worst, tonight.”

H’WOOD: “I’m in Boston!”

O’CONNOR: “Red setting himself up near the ropes, SPRINGBOARD! (CROWD MARK!) MOONSAULT! DEAR GOD! (CROWD: “FEEEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEELIX!”) Red’s not even stopping as he’s rolled to his feet and run up the turnbuckles like a spider monkey crossbreeded with Jack Sparrow…Hornet’s smartly rolling out of dodge, but I think Stevens is dead to rights! LOOOOOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) SWANDIVE HEADBUTT! STEVENS ON THE FRITZ! FELIX COVERS! HERPIN SLIDES IN! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) NO! NO! STEVENS KICKS OUT!”

H’WOOD: “Ummm…Steve Knox is trying to kill Joe the Plumber with kicks to the head. I guess that would be a painless death, that’s kind of humane.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s been relatively quiet in the early going, which may be a first for me. Knox bringing him up…SWEET CHRISTMAS! (GROANS!) OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX ON THE PARQUET FLOOR! Joe’s skidded towards the ramp and is wailing in pain! Felix back to his tricks and picking up Stevens…NO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) SMALL PACKAGE! ONNNNNNNE! TWO! FELIX REVERSES IT! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! KICKOUT! Stevens and Felix get up and charge each other! (LOUD GROANS!) DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE! They took each other out! Hornet slides in and covers Felix! ONE! TWO! NO! (BOOS!) Stevens dove into the fray and just raked the eyes of one of our sport’s greatest heroes!”

(CUTTO: KNOX reeling JTP up and hooking him with a Gutwrench and lifting him up! PILEDRIVER! JOE’S DOING THE ELECTRO DANCE! KNOX rolls him over, BRUCE ‘POWERSLIDE’ PHILLIPS, the outside ref completes the legendary powerslide into position!)

O’CONNOR: “OUTSIDE THE RING! KNOX HAS A PIN! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKS OUT!”

(CUTTO: STEVENS dangling in the ropes, apparently rushing to fast to break up that pin…FELIX quickly darts up and hits a running knee smash that knocks him out of the ring! HORNET shoots up and rolls him up from behind!)

O’CONNOR: “HORNET WITH A ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! FELIX ROLLS OUT! Felix up and charging, Hornet catches him with a hiptoss! Felix scrambles up!”

(CUTTO: FELIX looking at HORNET like he’s crazy, which is something considering it’s FELIX. “A HIPTOSS…REALLY!? What’s next? A thirteen minute side headlock?”)

O’CONNOR: “Watch out! Hornet hits a running and jumping right hand! Felix staggered back into the corner! Hornet with a right! Another! Shoulderblock!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET hitting another shoulderblock into FELIX’s gut, cross-eyeing the former NFW World Champion. KNOX is outside the ring, raking JOE’s head across the ringside descending part of the entrance ramp. STEVENS comes into the fray with a CHAIR! THWACK! KNOX tumbles over like a ton of bricks! THWACK! JOE takes a slapping double to right-center off his back!)

H’WOOD: “Now, Stevens is playing my kind of game! Maybe Hornet has some weird effect on his brain where he can’t think straight? Maybe Hornet IS quasi-insect with some brainwashing…that would explain SOOOOOOOOOO much.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, I guess Felix is under its power! He’s whipped across the ring into the opposite turnbuckles! HERE COMES HORNET! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HORNET SPLLLLLLLLL—NO! FELIX MOVED! Hornet manages to block the impact!”

(CLOSEUP: FELIX cracking HORNET across the back with a FELIX KICK! “This isn’t 1984, David Byrne!)

O’CONNOR: “Felix wailing away on Hornet in the corner with his signature kicks! (WHAP! WHAP!) Hornet’s getting his back welted by Felix’s boots! Felix spins him around! (ROAR!) FELIX KICK TO THE GUT! (CROWD: “OHHHHHHH!) FELIX KICK TO THE FACE! Felix grabs Hornet and sends him packing across the ring! BACK HANDSPRING ELLLLLOH! NOBODY HOME! HORNET MOVED! Felix staggers out and WOW! Hornet packing heat with that right hand!”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET’S looking a little wild, a little juiced and a little too happy to be here. “Why do all you gymnastic boys think that works!?” SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS grabbing JTP by the scalp, reeling him into a front facelock and then hoisting him up! HORNET keeps rocking the right hand fists against the side of FELIX’s head!)

H’WOOD: “I think Steve Knox is about crap to out a lot of NON-AWESOMENESS in a minute!”

O’CONNOR: “OHMYGOD. (LOUD GROANS!) Stevens with a GOURDBUSTER! He just planted JTP across Steve Knox! Meanwhile, Felix teetering and tottering in the ring… (LOUD ROARS!) CLOTHESLINE! Hornet nearly took his head off! Felix is just getting up on fumes…RUH-OH! (MORE ROARS!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE!”

H’WOOD: “One can only imagine with a match with YYJ would’ve involved…actually, I can and I think I should just stop imagining for the moment.”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens digging under the ring…oh boy. (crowd gets loud!) Stevens has a trashcan! (SFX: …the glorious echoes of a trashcan shot!) ACROSS JOE’S BACK!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS laughing, while slamming the can on top of Joe’s head! “It’s like getting hit by an empty dinner plate, isn’t it!?” STEVENS rips up JOE and places the trashcan on his head, JOE starts swinging wild rights and lefts…screaming like a banshee for his father, which is kind of weird. STEVENS looks at him cockeyed for just a brief moment, then smiles.)

O’CONNOR: “STEVENS HAS THAT CHAIR! (SFX: CHAIRSHOT ON TRASHCAN CRIME!) OHSWEETMERCY! JOE’S ON A KNEE! STEVENS LINING UP LIKE MANNY RAMIREZ! (SFX: METAL ON METAL MANIA!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (CROWD GROANS!) JOE’S DROPS LIKE HE’S BEEN EXECUTED MAFIA STYLE!”

H’WOOD: “Actually, I think a trashcan on your head would be more tied to a plumber’s union. Or a Mafia taking out a plumber’s union.”

O’CONNOR: (over boos!) “And just for good measure, Stevens hits a double-stomp on the downed Joe! The trashcan might’ve cut into his scalp…that’s just…BRUTAL.”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS talking smack down at JOE, while HORNET lifts FELIX up in a Vertical Suplex to crowd cheers. HORNET holds FELIX up for a good 5 seconds before hitting a Suplex with a perfect rollover pin!)

O’CONNOR: “ONE! Felix kicks out! Stevens looking back towards the ring and he sees Hornet in control…and let’s face it, that’s the LAST man that Stevens wants to see in control. Stevens sliding in and Hornet doesn’t see him! BEVERLY HILLS ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWO! STEVENS HAS THE TIGHTS! NO! KICKOUT! (cheers!) Stevens bounces off the ropes, Hornet rolls under as Stevens hops over him. Hornet up, Stevens charging! Stevens ducks a clothesline! (cheers!) AND HOOKS A CRUCIFIX CRADLE! ONNNNNNNE! TWO! NO! KICKOUT! Stevens on the apron, Hornet rolling to his feet – LOOK OUT! (CHEERS!) SPRINGBOARD BODYPRESS! HORNET ROLLS IT OVER! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! STEVENS KICKS OUT! Both men scramble up and Hornet strikes first with a right hand! Stevens returns the favor! Hornet! Stevens! Hornet! Stevens rakes the eyes! (BOOS!) OHNO! (GROANS!) Sweet Mary, Stevens grabbed Hornet and just hogtossed him into the turnbuckles!”

H’WOOD: “And that’s how you treat a man willing to take Joey Melton 45 minutes long in the first and only PIGGLY WIGGLY’S match in NFW!”

O’CONNOR: “We’re still not allowed to show that footage in the United States.”

H’WOOD: “I blame Melton taking the lambfries spot.”

O’CONNOR: “They were in Hornet’s hands, so that’s just semantics. Stevens…he’s pulling out Hornet by the back of his tights, he’s got Hornet up! BACK TO BELLY SUPLEX! Stevens up to his feet and jumps off the middle ropes – OH! Stevens with a splash onto Hornet! He’s not even going for the pin, he’s getting up and WAIT! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX JUMPS INTO THE FRAY LITERALLY! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) HURRICANRANA, FELIX HAS STEVENS WRAPPED UP! ONNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Stevens with a big kickout! Both men rushing up and Stevens connects with a leaping forearm smash! CHOP! (”WHOO!”) CHOP! (”WHOO!”) Stevens with an Irish Whip and Felix bounces off, Stevens with a back body dr—WHOA! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX LANDED ON HIS FEET! Stevens didn’t see that happen!”

H’WOOD: “DON’T TURN AROUND!”

O’CONNOR: (over loud cheers!) “OHHHHH! FELIX KICK! Red caught Stevens in the side, doubling him over and into a double underhook! LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) DEEEEEEEEEE! DEEEEEEEEEE! TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FELIX JUST SPIKED STEVENS! HE COVERS! ONE! TWOO! (cheers!) Hornet pulled Felix off of Stevens! (LOUD GROANS!) OH! Felix just booted Hornet in the nuts!”

H’WOOD: “Viagra ain’t gonna get you out of that mess old man!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet falls to the mat in a lot of pain, Felix getting up…(crowd gets loud!) HOLD IT! Steve Knox just slid back in the ring behind Felix! Knox popped to his feet! FELIX TURNING AROUND AT THE WRONG TIME! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSHHHHHHHHHH! AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX BEHEADED FELIX! OHMYGAHD! Knox going for the cover! This could be it! THIS COULD BE IT! (LOUD ROARS!) ONNNNNNNNNE! (CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!”) JOE’S BACK! He breaks up the pinfall with an elbow drop across the back of Knox’s head!”

H’WOOD: “Those shots to the head might’ve cleared his mind to realize he’s got a title to defend!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe popping away at Knox with right hands! Felix trying to crawl away, but Joe’s got him by his dreadlocks and drags him back! Now, he’s mushing Felix’s face with those hammer fists! The man’s a brawler at heart that’s for sure…Knox standing up and Joe’s up and stalking over towards him. OH! (”UGHHHHHHHHHN!”) Overhand slap to the chest! OH! (”UGHHHHHHN!”) Another! Knox’s chest turning red and now Joe with a vicious roundhouse right! Irish Whip! HERE WE GO! (CROWD ROARS!) SPINEBUSTAHHHHHHHHH! JOE GOES SEMINOLE STYLE! He’s got the cover! ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet with the breakup! (LOUD ROARS!) And Joe jumps on Hornet! He’s pounding him like a piece of hamburger on the ground! Joe up and has Hornet’s hair…scoop! Slam! Joe off the ropes and plants an Elbow Drop! Another! Another! (LOUD CHEERS!) Joe going cyclonical with those repeated elbow drops!”

H’WOOD: “He can only see straight in triple-vision and that’s the single weirdest thing I may have ever said. (pause.) Ok, not even close.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s going to get driven through the mat if Joe doesn’t stop…and whoa, whoa, whoa, Joe just stood up and almost fell over he’s so dizzy. He’s staggering around the ring and Stevens is up to his knees, WATCH OUT! (LOUD BOOS!) UPPERCUT TO THE GROIN FROM BEHIND! STEVENS CROSSED UP JOE! Joe’s on his knees and now in the fetal position.”

H’WOOD: “Do you think Joe the Plumber is the type of man we should legally be allowed to prevent from having children? If so, I think here at NFW…we can do something about that for America.”

O’CONNOR: “Our President would be proud. Stevens staggering up and making his way towards Hornet…he’s bringing him up by the hair, WAIT! Hornet with a shot to the gut! Another! Stevens doubled over, Hornet reels him down with an inside cradle! ONE! TWO! Kickout! Both men getting up at the same time and Stevens fires a roundhouse right, but Hornet ducks! (LOUD CHEERS!) ATOMIC DROP BY HORNET! Stevens doing a constipated Badstreet Strut! Hornet rushing over, LOOKIT THIS! (LOUD ROARS!) SCORPION DEATH DROP! REVERSE DEEEEEEEE! DEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEE! The cover! (w/ the crowd!) ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) Knox on the mark with a sliding save! He’s got Hornet by the arm, OH! SHORT ARM CLOTHESLINE! Hornet’s down!”

H’WOOD: “This match…someone needs to CONTROL it. Someone needs to run an isolation play, something to stop all these breakups on the pinfalls. Nobody can get anywhere with everyone this close to each other.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red getting up behind Knox, I think he’s about to return a favor to the Memphis superstar! (CRACK! LOUD ROARS!) OHMARYMOTHER OF GOD! SPINNING LEG LARIAT! What an impact! Knox is down, but back up and Felix is behind him again! LOOKIT THIS! (SCREAMS!) VICTORY ROLL BY FELIX! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! KICKOUT! KNOX KICKS OUT! Both men up and Knox charges at Felix! (LOUD GROANS!) OHMY.”

H’WOOD: “He just got stopped dead in his tracks with that move!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red’s Inverted Atomic Drop has Steve Knox more bowlegged than Madonna on the morning of Ash Wednesday! Felix up in the air! (CRACK! CHEERS!) ENZIGUIRI BY THE FORMER CHAMPION! Felix covering Knox again! ONE! TWO! Broken up by Joe! (LOUD ROARS!) JTP has Felix by the dreads, he looks like he’s SUPERmad after that nutshot! OHMYGAHD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) DREADLOCK GIANT SWING! FELIX RED RUSHING TO HIS FEET!”

H’WOOD: “Joe found Felix’s HULK-UP button!”

O’CONNOR: “I don’t think anyone’s done that to him! Felix blocks a right hand from Joe! Felix with a right! Another right! CHOP! (”WHOO!”) JOE WITH A HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! (”UGHHHHHHHHN!”) Felix with a right! (WHAP!) Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Felix Kick! (WHAP! WHAP!) Felix Kick double-timed and Joe’s stumbling backwards throwing his Rocky dukes up! Joe’s in the corner…(WHAP! WHAP!) Felix Kicks! (WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!) RAPID FIRE FELIX KICKS! (LOUD ROARS!) OHMYGAHHHHHD! JOE’S WILD-EYED! HE’S LAUGHING OUT OF CONTROL! (GROANS!) HOLYMARYMOTHER! THRUST KICK ON THE KISSER BY FELIX!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t think Felix Red is going to play to Joe showing the elasticity of his metaphorical jaw…that’s refreshing.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s sliding down the turnbuckles and now on his arse, FELIX RUNS UP THEM! WHATTHA? (LOUD GROANS!) A Rope-Aided Dropkick right into Joe’s jaw! WHAT A MOVE! Felix up on his feet, WAIT A MINUTE!”

H’WOOD: “This is what I’m trying to tell EVERYONE!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s got Felix from behind! Back to Belly Supl—NO! (CHEERS!) Felix flipped onto his feet behind Hornet, he’s got the both of the legends arms! (LOUD ROARS!) VICODIN PLEX! (Australian Suplex) ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet’s rolling out of it and rolling over, LOOKIT THIS! THEY’RE BRIDGING UP AND HORNET’S TAKING FELIX DOWN IN A BACKSLIDE! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! Felix rolls out and OH! What a show of quickness, Felix nails Hornet in the jaw with a slide dropkick! Hornet on his back, Felix scrambling up and over with a JACK-KNIFE! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) Hornet kicks out! Both getting up and Felix fires a right! Hornet ducked and he’s hooked Felix’s arm! He’s going for another Backslide! (LOUD SCREAMS!) WAIT! STEVENS IS UP! HE’S GOT FELIX RIGHT IN HIS SIGHTS! (CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) FELIX DUCKED THE X-FACTOR! (MORE GROANS!) …BUT HORNET NEVER SAW IT COMING!”

H’WOOD: “That’s now the single greatest moment of this match!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s OUT! COMPLETELY OUT! …and by that I mean, possibly unconscious and OUT OF THE RING! That Superkick hit him so hard, I don’t know if he protected any of that fall on the parquet floor!”

H’WOOD: “GREATEST MOMENT. Hands down, without a doubt. Welcome back Paul, we’re all so happy you can’t handle the mortgage right now and needed the cash!”

O’CONNOR: “Your chosen one shouldn’t be admiring his handiwork, I think he forgot about Felix! (LOUD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHH! STEVENS TURNS RIGHT INTO A FELIX KICK TO THE FACE!”

(REPLAY: STEVENS turning around in a 180, mockingly dusting his hands off after staring at HORNET. His whole face gets mashed in by FELIX’s boot!)

O’CONNOR: “Sweet Mary! Sean Stevens…yes…he’s got a broken nose!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ eyes doing the R.E.M flutters as the bridge of his nose is cracked, sliced, flattened and bleeding. Drops of blood bubble out of his nostrils as well…)

H’WOOD: “Oh…wow. Umm. YEESH.”

O’CONNOR: “That might be your greatest commentary of the night! Felix Red is rushing out onto the apron and up the turnbuckles! COULD IT BE!? (LOUD ROARS!) YES! SWANTON BOMMMMMMMMM—(LOUD GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OHMYGAHD! OHMYGAHD! SHATTERED HORIZON… …BUT STEVENS GETS THE KNEES UP!”

H’WOOD: “I’m pretty sure that hurt Felix A LOT.”

O’CONNOR: “His back might be broken from that! Felix isn’t even moving! I don’t know if he can! Stevens rolling on the mat, holding his knees as well…that was as good for the goose as the gander! They both might be cooked! Hornet’s still out of the ring, barely moving…Knox pulling himself up in the corner, trying to catch his breadth as we simmer on at the fifteen minute mark. Joe’s shaking out the cobwebs, Knox watching him get up slowly…”

H’WOOD: “Stevens is up! YES!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS rolling up to his knees with a grimace, scowling and wiping his blood to look at it…making him even ANGRIER. STEVENS flicks off the blood and stands up, shaking out his right knee.)

O’CONNOR: “Stevens looking at Felix like he stole his lady or something. He’s got Felix, who IS conscious…he can’t even stand straight…Stevens hooking him in a waistlock, here comes Knox! (cheers!) Knox with a crashing forearm to the back of Stevens! OH! (groans!) Back Elbow from Stevens! Stevens setting up Felix for a German Suplex, WAIT! (LOUD CHEERS!) KNOX RUSHES IN AND HAS TRIPLE X IN A WAISTLOCK! STEVENS’ eyes are bugging! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX! FELIX COULD BE SHATTERED! (post-impression clapping!) And how about THIS!?”

(CUTTO: KNOX keeping the waistlock intact on STEVENS and rolling him up to a standing position, but all of a sudden the crowd goes WILD! JOE’S IN THE PICTURE!)

O’CONNOR: (over BOOMING crowd!) “WHAT THE!? Joe’s locking up Knox…HE’S TRYING TO LIFT HIM!”

H’WOOD: “This can’t happen, this is IMPOSSIBLE!”

O’CONNOR: “WELL, DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!?”"

(CLOSEUP: KNOX and STEVENS wide-eyed, STEVENS starts frantically trying to squirm out as KNOX holds on for dear life!)

O’CONNOR: “THIS IS INSANITY! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) ANOTHER DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX! OHMYGAHD! (CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!”) The champion’s turned the whole match on its end! WHAT A MOVE! He dropped Knox and TRIPLE-X like a bad habit and WOW! That’s PURE strength with PURE determination!”

H’WOOD: “I just don’t know how he’s passing our wellness tests! I just don’t think it’s fair that Joe’s just circumventing the system by drinking bleach for breakfast after dousing his cornflakes in gunpowder and whiskey! The man’s huffing household cleaning products and shit on a daily basis for his highs…while Brock Alyas gets suspended months at a time for crack…and I still think Joe’s WORSE for the health of our society.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s surveying this SUPERMAN trainwreck he’s just caused with a manic gleam in his eyes. Steve Knox looks to be the first moving and I think he’s going to regret that! Joe immediately grabbing him by the head, standing him up and slamming him into the turnbuckles. Right hand! HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! (JOE: “UGHHHHHHHHHN!”) Another! JOE/CROWD: “UGHHHHHHHHHHN!”) ANOTHER! ANOTHER! ANOTHER! (”UGHHHHHHHHHN!”) Steve Knox just fell on his butt, seated on the second turnbuckles. OH! OH! OH! (LOUD CHEERS!) Joe bashing the top of Knox’s head with those winded up Bionic Elbows! OH! OH! OH! Another fearsome threesome and now Joe’s got Knox gripped by the hair…he’s reversing him around. OHBOY. I think I know what’s coming now!”

H’WOOD: (gulps) “I wish this upon no man.”

(CLOSEUP: KNOX on his knees, slumped over and his head/chest against the turnbuckles…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD crowd!) “HERE COMES JOE! (LOUD GROANS!) KISS THE PORCELAIN! A RUNNING KNEESMASH INTO THE BACK OF KNOX’S HEAD!”

H’WOOD: “Steve Knox’s head just got scrambled, fried and liquefied into a mass puddle of brain pudding.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s dragging him to the middle of the ring and covers! ONE! TWO! (LOUD ROARS!) NO! NO! Knox with a big kickout and that’s got Joe angry! He’s up on his feet and OUCH! OOH! A couple of bootscrapes across the scalp and face of awesomeness. Joe with a couple of stomps, kick to the ribs…and Joe’s off the ropes, OOF! (JOE: “UGHHHHHHHHN!”) Leaping kneedrop right across Knox’s brow! Steve Knox is in a world of trouble, while the other challengers are in a state of questionable consciousness…”

H’WOOD: “Somehow, someway…Joe…of all the freaking brains in this ring, figured out how to actually gain some control.”

O’CONNOR: “And Steve Knox needs to figure out a way to turn this around before he’s completely done for…Oh man! JTP mashing fist after fist into Knox’s scalp…this is a literal ham and egging! JTP now grabbing Knox by the hair and bringing him up to a standing base…HANDSLAP to the chest! (CROWD/JOE: “UGHHHHHHHHN!”) ANOTHER! (”UGHHHHHHN!”) Knox backpedaling against the ropes, Joe uses the momentum and delivers an Irish Whip…here comes a Rolling Rock Elbow – NO! Knox ducked under and is coming back off the other side, Joe has him up! (BOOS!) Knox counters with an eye rake! Joe was going for another spinebuster, but now Knox has him in his own bear hug position – NO! (crowd gets loud!) Knox with a Stun Gun across the top ropes! Joe staggering around and holding his throat, Knox with a kick to the gut! (crowd screams!) KNOX GOING FOR A PILEDRIVER! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE FLIPS HIM OVER! (MORE SCREAMS!) KNOX COUNTERS WITH A SUNSET FLIP! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! NO! Joe wraps Knox in a headscissors!”

H’WOOD: “And lord knows what Knox is dealing with in there! This hold was used just 10 years ago at Brooklyn’s dirtiest pound to put dogs to sleep!”

O’CONNOR: “That is not true!”

H’WOOD: “I thought that’s what his theme song was about.”

O’CONNOR: “Knox powering himself out frantically, he’s coughing up a storm…”

(CLOSEUP: KNOX bewildered, hair disheveled…and possibly ready to vomit.)

O’CONNOR: “Both men standing up…Knox is in a daze again…OH! Joe with a right hand! Another! Knox returns the favor! Rake of the eyes by Knox again! (boos!) He’s going for a suplex on Joe…CHECK THAT. (crowd gets loud!) Knox placing Joe on the turnbuckles, I think he’s going to go for broke here! Knox with a right! Another right! Another! Knox now climbing up and he’s trying to hook in for a Superplex! (crowd pop!) HOLD THE PHONE! (crowd getting louder!) JOE FIGHTING BACK! (crowd roars!) Knox falls off the turnbuckles, he’s stumbling around and JOE FLIES OFF! (crowd pop!) Knox ducked under a Flying Bionic Brooklyn Elbow, Joe turns around! (CROWD SCREAMS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! JOE’S ON THE FRITZ! KNOX STUMBLING OVER FOR THE PINFALL! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (crowd gets loud!) THRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR(ROARS!) NO! NO! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! STEVE KNOX WAS ONE MILLIMETER FROM BEING THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION!”

H’WOOD: “…that…that…WOW. Joe JUST…JUST got his right shoulder up.”

(CLOSEUP: STEVE KNOX staring at the referee wildly! In the background, a weary FELIX RED is on the apron…climbing the turnbuckles. KNOX mouths “ARE YOU KIDDING?” as referee GREG HERPIN shrugs.)

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox has to see that the troops are starting to form back up around him! Felix on the ropes…AND WAIT! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) FELIX BETTER TURN AROUND!”

(CUTTO: FELIX perching on the ropes, but a woozy SEAN STEVENS is walking along the apron towards him. FELIX sees him too late!)

O’CONNOR: “NOOOOOOOO! (LOUD CRASH! DEAFENING BOOS!) NOOOOOOOO! OHMYGAHD!”

H’WOOD: “CLEAN UP IN AISLE 4!”

O’CONNOR: “Sean Stevens, TRIPLE-XECUTIONED FELIX RED! He just pushed him off the top ropes, where Felix Red just broke through the Mexican Broadcast table where Carlos Canyeta, Benjamin, Ryan Aston and Vivi Por Siegel are doing tonight’s commentary for Telemundo Deportivos!”

H’WOOD: “Ah yes, Vivi. Those voicemails she leaves on Armando Montezuma’s cellphone are legendary in my circle.”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens now climbing up to the top as Steve Knox is standing up! Knox picks up a nearly deadweight Joe and stands him up in the middle of the ring… (crowd gets loud!) KNOX BOUNCES OFF THE ROPES! (CROWD GROANS!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH PART TWO: THE AWESOME BOOGALOO! WAIT! WAIT! (CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS FLIES OFF WITH A HURRICANWHATINMARY’S NAME!?! (CROWD ROARS!) KNOX CAUGHT STEVENS! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!”

H’WOOD: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD CRASH!) “OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) KNOX JUST THREW STEVENS THROUGH THE JAPANESE BROADCAST TABLE! PAUL SHIRO AND THE GREAT KABUKI THINKING ITS TOKYO 1967 AND GODZILLA ALL OVER AGAIN!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX looking around like a wildman at the crowd chanting “THAT WAS AWESOME! THAT WAS AWESOME!” KNOX starts shaking his head at them like they crapped in someone’s cornflakes that they took the time to pour actual sugar on. I mean…that’s the workingman’s Frosted Flakes mothergoatherder! KNOX thumbs his chest and screams “I AM THE AWESOME!” Then, he falls to his knees and covers JTP!)

O’CONNOR: “WELCOME TO THE AGE OF AWESOME! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRR(CROWD EXPLOSION!) ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? JOSEPH THEODORE PLUMMER JUST KICKED OUT!”

H’WOOD: “We are not living in the Age of God. This is the world of something evil incarnate.”

(CLOSEUP: KNOX shaking his head at the referee like he was just told Darth Vader was his father. “NO…NO…THAT’S NOT TRUE…THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!”)

O’CONNOR: “HOW!? HOW!?”

H’WOOD: “I don’t know! If I did, I’d sell it to the highest bidder or become the bidder to make sure the man’s tyrannical stinkocracy didn’t further stain the NFW World Championship!”

O’CONNOR: “Knox is freaking out! (CROWD: “JOE IS AWESOME! JOE IS AWESOME!”) And I don’t think those chants are going to help out the sanity of Steve Knox! You know he’s close to his breaking point in his rivalry against Joe the Plumber!”

H’WOOD: “WHAT RIVALRY!? JOE HASN’T LOST TO HIM IN HOW MANY MATCHES!? LET ALONE THE ODDS! Here’s a little shoutout to the sanitorium of his surfer’s brain…YOU NEED TO WIN TO MAKE IT A RIVALRY!”

O’CONNOR: “Knox is pacing around the ring, leaning over the ropes and losing himself in the crowd’s chanting at him! Knox just rolled out of the ring…oh sweet mary…he’s DIGGING UNDER IT!”

(4-WAY SPLIT: JOE conked in the middle, while KNOX pulls out a extra-large wreath of razorwire as the crowd gets LOUD. FELIX stumbling around on all-fours outside the ring, HORNET standing up with the aid of the ring barricade. SEAN STEVENS collapsed over the ring barricade, which promotes some beverage dunking. STEVENS tries to get up and swing at the fans, but wearily slips and falls to a crowd pop.)

O’CONNOR: “Knox is coming back in the ring as JOE’s rolled over on his stomach…this match is about to get VERY interesting Lamont! I think Steve Knox has lost his goddamn mind by thinking a wreath of barbed wire is a good thing to bring into this…”

H’WOOD: “He does live in Tennessee, Beanfry. They’ve got seven-hundred page tomes dedicated to the finest selection of squirrel stew recipes.”

O’CONNOR: (over screams!) “And watch out! Knox with a stomp to the back of Joe’s head, and YUP! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVE KNOX IS OFFICIALLY A CRAZY MADMAN! HE’S TRYING TO CHOKE HIS OPPONENT WITH BARBED WIRE! (loud boos!) Knox now working Joe’s face like a bowl of cookie dough with his right hand digging into every hole, nostril, socket and then a vicious rake! (crowd gets loud!) Oh no…Knox…unwrapping the wreath’s loose end and pulling…NAY…WRAPPING JOE’S HEAD IN THE WIRE.”

H’WOOD: “It is now by Presidential decree that I take the time to talk to our fans about Hepatitis. I’m sure you saw Christopher Sheffield earlier this evening in a Joey Melton wig, which is what Hepatitus Type NFW can do to a human being.”

O’CONNOR: “HE DOESN’T HAVE HEPATITIS! Heck, anyone could see that match was 98% CGI! We’ve got a serious problem on our hands…Steve Knox is laughing madly at Joe…(LOUD BOOS!) NOW WRAPPING IT AROUND JOE’S EYE AREA! Joe’s screaming…and practically muzzled by Knox, who pushes him down to the mat and SWEET MARY MOTHER OF GOD! NO! NO! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) NOOOOOO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) MODIFIED CURBSTOMP! MARY CHRISTMAS, STEVE KNOX HAS GONE FROM AWESOME TO PSYCHOTICALLY SADIST!”

H’WOOD: “How do you break a curse, Beanfry? Steve Knox has gone the route of bloodgutting evil intentions. It’s way better than his old way of impersonating a Mormon Jim Breuer, don’t ruin this for me!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe is frantically writhing on the mat, but lookit this! (crowd roars!) Joe’s rolled up to one knee and he’s egging Knox to bring some more heat! OH! Knox with a boot to the head! Joe’s egging him on for more! Steve Knox with a right! Another right! Joe’s trying to stand up and Knox kicks him square in the jaw! Joe stumbles into the turnbuckles, the wreath around his neck and wrapped around his face…he can’t even see out of it! He’s sitting on the turnbuckles, his dukes put up as Knox keeps kicking at him! Knox grabbing Joe and sending him across the r—NO! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE REVERSES! Knox hits the pads and bounces out! (MORE ROARS!) JTP WITH A JUMPING HEADBUTT! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS! KNOX TEETOTTERING, JOE CAN’T EVEN SEE! (JOE beats his chest and shouts “UGHHHHHHHHN!”) THE CHAMP WITH A WILD RIGHT! NO! Knox ducks under, Joe’s on a blinded swivel! OH! (groans!) ROARING ELBOW FROM KNOX!”

H’WOOD: “Knox has him in the red dot sight!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s staggered, Knox off the ropes WE COULD BE SEEING A TRILOGY OF AXE BOMMMBAHHHHHHH! (CROWD ROARS!) JOE DUCKED THE GOLD RUSH! They both spin around! (LOUD ROAR!) Joe with a kick to the gut! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S GOT KNOX IN THE DOUBLE UNDERHOOK, WILL STEVE KNOX FEEL THE PLUNGE!? (CROWD SCREAMS!) JOE HAS HIM UP! WAIT! HORNET! HORNET! (LOUD GROANS! LOUD BOOS!) I…I…I THINK HORNET JUST SOLD JOE DOWN THE SH*T RIVER!”

H’WOOD: “Never, ever trust a Southern man that likes to wear a suit at ANY point in his life! Haven’t you watched the Dukes of Hazzard and Dallas, Beanfry!?”

O’CONNOR: “HORNET CHOPBLOCKED JOE…and it’s like the wind has been taken out of the sails of the Boston Garden! Knox was able to land ON TOP of Joe to make it worse and he’s scrambling up to his feet as Joe’s writhing on the mat!”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET on his knees, keeping his eyes on KNOX. HORNET squints his eyes shut for a moment, trying to clear his head as the crowd is still LOUDLY booing! HORNET swings himself up and now stands at the opposite corner of KNOX. JOE in the middle of the ring…the razor wire still wrapped around his face, hanging from his neck. He slowly gets up to a knee…not facing KNOX, HORNET or anyone, but screaming “BRING THE FRAKKIN’ TRAIN! ‘OL JOE’S READY JOHN TROJAN! YOU COME DOWN THE TRACKS ‘CAUSE ‘OL JOE’S READY FOR THE STEAM ENGINE LIGHT!”)

O’CONNOR: “…I don’t think any words could describe this.”

H’WOOD: “Or conventional wisdom…logic…or societal norms.”

O’CONNOR: “HERE COMES HORNET! (LOUD GROANS!) BIG BOOT to the SIDE! Joe falls over, but he’s getting up to that knee again and putting up his fists! HERE COMES KNOX! (LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX WITH A RUNNING KNEE! JOE’S DOWN! …and lookit this! JOE’S BACK TO THE KNEE! Hornet and Knox are just shaking their heads at each other, but hold on… (crowd gets loud!) FELIX and STEVENS are rolling into the ring! Stevens is up first and he’s charging Joe! (MORE GROANS!) LEG LARIAT TO THE FACE! …JOE STAYED UP! HOW?! WHY!?”

H’WOOD: “Stevens rolling to his feet and we’re back to Mexican standoff levels with Joe in the middle of the crossfire!”

O’CONNOR: “He’s still screaming something about John Trojan and I think Felix is about to shut him up! (MORE GROANS!) OHHHHHHHH! STEP-UP SHINING WIZAHHHHHHD! JOE’S OUT! HE’S ROLLING OUT OF THE RING! Knox dives for his feet, but it’s too late and now…NOW WHAT!?”

H’WOOD: “I think all four men don’t know anymore. I don’t know anymore. We’re just about twenty-five minutes in and all we’ve learned in the last five is that Joe’s taking a Personality Disorder Counter-Tactical Strike to the Sadistical, Psychotic Switch in Steve Knox’s formerly awesome and now snapped brain.”

O’CONNOR: “Which is just enough time to recover from finishers, tables breaking and random other maniacal mayhem.”

H’WOOD: “It’s like watching Sports Science through a Crystal Meth Looking Glass.”

O’CONNOR: “And…And Joe the Plumber is crying.”

H’WOOD: “…what?”

(CLOSEUP: JOE outside the ring, crawling around and…bawling. Snotdripping, mucous streaming, sinus cavity emptying crying. “THE TRAIN KILLED ‘OL JOE, HE CAN’T FIGHT NO MO’ JOHN TROJAN! THE LIGHT BURNS!”)

H’WOOD: “Ooooooooook.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet, Felix Red, Steve Knox and Sean Stevens are all cautiously watching each other…back to a virtual stalemate in the grand scheme of things. (KNOX screams, “THIS IS NOT AWESOME!”) AND KNOX launches wildly at HORNET! He’s wailing away on right hands, he knows the opportunity he just narrowly missed! Hornet blocks a right and counters with one of his own! Another! Knox staggers and away, but Hornet gets blindsided by Stevens! Knox walks right into a Felix Kick! Stevens bashing Hornet’s head into the turnbuckles a few times and whirls him around, LOOK OUT! CHOP! (”WHOO!”) CHOP! (”WHOO!”) Stevens with an Irish Whip! (STEVENS: “OWWWWWWWWWW!”) Stevens with a howl, here comes…HE’S GOING FOR THE HORNET SPLASH! (CROWD POP!) IT HITS! HORNET DUCKWALKING AROUND THE RING!”

H’WOOD: “Oh, the irony! Oh, the beauty! That was like Shakespeare!”

O’CONNOR: “Sit down!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS bowing for the crowd to a pop, H’WOOD standing up in STEVENS’ scope. He makes a tip of the cap gesture to STEVENS, who thanks him. H’WOOD’s eyes widen when HORNET stops duckwalking and waits for STEVENS to turn around. H’WOOD nudges his head, trying to let STEVENS know…who doesn’t get it.)

H’WOOD: “Uh-oh.”

O’CONNOR: (over cheers!) “Hornet catches Stevens with a right hand and that serves him right for paying any attention to you! Felix, meanwhile, is whiplashing Knox with kicks and strikes! Knox rakes his eyes to break up the momentum and slams a forearm into the side of the former World Champion’s dome. Hornet kicking away at Stevens, while Joe the Plumber is sitting against the ring apron outside the ring…STILL crying.”

H’WOOD: “It’s a twisted web that gets woven into the fabrics of our World Champion’s mind. And by god, is it in the worst, uninhabitable, diseased body.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet picking up Stevens, now wait…it looks like the two Sons of the South are going to work together and Irish Whip Stevens and Red at each other! (crowd pop!) Felix slides through Stevens’ legs…(CROWD MARK!) BUT RIGHT INTO HORNET’S GRASP! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVENS DUCKS UNDER THE GOLD RUSH! HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION! WAIT! BACKSLIDE BY STEVENS! INSIDE CRADLE BY RED! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THREEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NO! NOOOOOOOOOO!”

H’WOOD: “Who would’ve won the championship on that!?”

O’CONNOR; “I don’t know! But it doesn’t matter as everyone’s scrambling to their feet! Stevens catches Red with a dropkick that sends him into the turnbuckles! Knox drops in on Stevens with an elbow drop! Red fires out of the turnbuckles, but Hornet blindsides him with a leaping crackback shoulderblock! Red just got crossed up and sent into the air! Knox standing up and Hornet catches him with a boot to the chest…Knox into the turnbuckles and Hornet connects with a roundhouse right! Another!”

(CLOSEUP: JOE blubbering and bawling against the apron…the wreath dangling around his neck, blood pouring out of his scalp and face from the razorwire digged into his flesh.)

H’WOOD: “They ain’t kidding when they say it takes a lot to laugh, but a train to cry.”

(JOE looks up, “JOHN TROJAN! JOE’S SCARED OF THE TRAIN! OL’ JOE’s SCARED OF THE LIGHT!” The crowd starts chanting “JOE! JOE!” and JTP starts wailing “OL’ JOE DON’T FLY, JOHN TROJAN! OL’ JOE WOULD COME UP THERE AND DRAG YA DOWN FOR THE FRAKKIN’ FIGHT OF THE CENTURY! JTP suddenly stops crying and looks up at the house lights with an incensed, angered look. “WELL, YA COME ON DOWN JOHN TROJAN! YA COME ON DOWN AND UGHHHHHHHHHN! JOE’S GONNA FIGHT LIKE A BOUSE! UGHHHHHHHHN!”

CUTTO: HORNET letting STEVE KNOX fall to the wayside, looking out at JOE yelling in complete confusion. This of course, allows SEAN STEVENS to cross him up. BLIND UPPERCUT NUTSHOT STYLE, YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD groans and H’WOOD laughing!) “OHHHHHHHHHH! SEAN STEVENS JUST WAYLAYED HORNET’S CROTCH! He’s got him rolled up! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! NO! But it would’ve counted due to ANYTHING going and that’s gotta be chalked up to there. Meanwhile, Joe’s thrashing around outside the ring apparently asking for the ceiling lights to come down and fight him like a man…”

H’WOOD: “I don’t even know if this is par for the course with him.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s getting stomped on by Stevens, who now drags him up and blasts him with a forearm uppercut! That’s got Hornet on dream street and in the corner, where Stevens buries a vicious shoulderblock into his ribcage! Another! Stevens hooks Hornet and up he goes! Suplex with a rollover! ONE! TWO! NO! Hornet with another kickout, Stevens up way quicker as the 40 year-old is in trouble, OH! Hard cracking right from Stevens, who’s now getting dragged out by Knox! LOOK OUT! Back Suplex! (crowd pop!) NO! Stevens flipped out and landed on his feet! Knox turns around! OHHHHHHHHHHHH! (LOUD ROARS!) CUTTAHHHHH! STEVENS JUST BROKE OUT THE DIAMOND CUTTER! Knox just vaulted into the air and landed on his back!”

H’WOOD: “Sweet Dreams are made of this! Say it Beanfry!”

O’CONNOR: “Hardy Har Har, Lamont…and Sean Stevens, TRIPLE-X may be a few moments away from cementing himself as the greatest wrestler on ANY circuit in this sport! Knox and Hornet are both struggling to stand, Hornet’s up first…Stevens cracks him with a side elbow that nearly sends him out of the ring! Knox up…LOOK OUT! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) X-FACTOR! THE SUPERKICK THAT PUT STEVENS ON THE MAP! KNOX IS OUT! WAIT! WAIT! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX RED!

H’WOOD: “NOOOOOOOOO! Goddamn that freak!”

O’CONNOR: RED JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND POPPED STEVENS IN THE SKULL WITH HIS OWN SUPERKICK! I don’t believe this! Stevens was making a cutthroat motion and about to cover Knox!”

(CUTTO: Outside the ring – JTP still sitting, still wrapped in the razorwire…and shaking his head profusely in a negative fashion. JOE: “YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT MY DADDY LIKE THAT JOHN TROJAN! YOU CAN’T TELL ME TO FLY! YOU COME DOWN AND FIGHT ‘OL JOE! YOU COME DOWN AND UGHHHHHHHHHHHHN! WE FINISH THIS!”)

H’WOOD: “Will security get that madman away from the ring!?”

O’CONNOR: “He’s the World Champion, but maybe not much longer ‘cause Felix Red is climbing up to the top rope! (LOUD SCREAMS!) HORNET! HORNET RUSHES OVER! HOUSTON, WE’VE GOT A ROCKET LAUNCHING! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD POP!) HORNET PRESS SLAMS FELIX OFF THE TOP! Red rushing up to his feet and…”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: JTP standing up outside the ring, removing the straps of his wifebeater as the fans start going wild at ringside…FELIX RED standing up in a stupor.)

H’WOOD: “Focus on the ring, Beanfry! Let the cameras tell Joe’s story! I don’t need your brain to explode Scanners style over my fine threads.”

O’CONNOR: “Joe…is he trying to fight the fans?”

(JTP starts putting up his dukes, looking at nobody in particular…but still screaming “BRING IT THE UGHHHHHHHHHHN! FRAKKIN’ ON JOHN TROJAN!”)

O’CONNOR: “Felix turns around and OH! (crowd cheers!) Clothesline by Hornet! Felix rushes up again! (crowd pop!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE BY HORNET! He’s got Felix on the ropes, Irish Whip and a back body drop!”

(JTP seems to be brawling with air…which happens to hiptoss him onto the cement to crowd groans! “TROJAN! YA HIPCHECKED ‘OL JOE, NOW IT’S ON!” JTP rushes up and running, then vaulting himself into the ringpost with a loud crack! The crowd groans as JTP goes down like he’s shot.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red fighting to his feet in the turnbuckles, probably not the best place for him right now! Here comes Hornet, OH! (groans!) GORE! GORRRRRRRRE! He just gored Felix into the turnbuckles, he might lose his lunch!”

H’WOOD: “Crstyal Meth Covered Cheerios with a quart of Quaalude pasteurized Percocet milk from spider monkeys.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet with a right cross! Kick to the gut! Another right cross! IRISH WHIP! DO YOU BELIEVE THIS!? (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) HORRRRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH! HE’S STILL GOT THE SPRINGS FOR IT! FELIX FACEFLOPS OUT OF THE CORNER! (CROWD SCREAMS!) HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHLOCK! (LOUD GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOOO! SEAN STEVENS FROM BEHIND! HE’S GOT HORNET IN A COBRA CLUTCH!”

(CUTTO: Outside the ring, JTP bleeding much more from the scalp…walking around haphazardly until it looks like he takes a drop toe-hold right into the ringsteps! The crowd groans loudly, onlookers at ringside looking worried.)

H’WOOD: “I don’t know if I can handle this much happiness! Joe the Plumber is killing himself outside the ring, by his own accord…and Hornet’s about to get put to sleep by Sean Stevens!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s trying to fight the hold off, Steve Knox is still knocked out himself from Sean Stevens’ perfected Superkick X-FACTOR finisher!”

(CUTTO: The Presidential Box – a first-time shot, where EDDIE MAYFIELD and ARMANDO MONTEZUMA are actually watching the match. MAYFIELD starts leaning over, watching intently.)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet trying to get to the ropes, but Stevens pulling him back in the ring – wait! (cheers!) Back elbow from Hornet! Another! Stevens breaks the hold and staggers back…”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD slapping his knee in disgust…)

O’CONNOR: “Looks like our President Supports the Heel Troops as usual! Hornet working back the crowd in his favor, cracking Stevens in the head with another right…another! Boot to the gut! Hornet with an Irish Whip – NO! REVERSED! (LOUD GROANS!) Hornet hits chestfirst, my god what impact! (crowd gets loud!) Stevens hooks Hornet in a Reverse DDT! HE COULD BE GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHDROP!”

H’WOOD: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “OR EVEN BETTER!”

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD ROARS!) “OSAKA STREEEEEEEEEEET CUTTAH! THE X-TERRRRRRRRINATOR! STEVENS JUST HIT IT ON HORNET! He gets up, but WHAT THE MARY!? (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH PART THREE! THE RETURN OF THE AWESOME!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing up in his box, looking like he just had his arms raised in victory until the jaws of life snapped it from him.)

O’CONNOR: “STEVENS DIDN’T SEE KNOX! I DIDN’T SEE KNOX!”

H’WOOD: “NOBODY SAW HIM! All of a sudden, he’s conscience…charging like a bull and screaming like a banshee!”

O’CONNOR: “Knox crawling over and covers! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRR(CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO! FELIX PULLED HIM OFF! FELIX PULLED HIM OFF!”

(CUTTO: KNOX clawing on the mat, frantically screaming and reaching for STEVENS as FELIX RED wearily lays across his ankles.)

O’CONNOR: “And for Steve Knox…it can’t hurt anymore, can it? That’s just PURE mental anguish!”

H’WOOD: “How about Sean Stevens!? I’m telling you, Beanfry…NOTHING’S getting settled with these five men this close to each other! They’re either too good like Stevens, too crazy like Joe and Knox…and in the case of Hornet and Felix…they’re on too crazygood pills!”

O’CONNOR: “…and if you think this match hasn’t hit it’s fever pitch, I dare you to look outside that ring.”

(CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER standing up, but he’s dressed somewhat differently. His razorwire halo wrapped head is topped off with a white fisherman’s floppy hat. JOE’S also wearing flattened and bent blue-shaded 1970’s aviator sunglasses. He’s also smoking a Philly blunt with a white plastic tip and…goose-stepping. He stops and points to finger-pistols at the Presidential Skybox. “JOHN TROJAN SUPPORTS YOU MISTER PRESIDENT.” CUTTO: MAYFIELD blinking for a moment of confusion. He then turns to MONTY and mouths, “What the…”)

O’CONNOR: “Who’s John Trojan?”

H’WOOD: “Really? You’re not going to say where the floppy hat and sunglasses came from? You’re not going to acknowledge where Joe keeps them?”

O’CONNOR: “I…no. Steve Knox is struggling to his feet, wildeyed and looking like he’s ready to kill someone and that might be Felix Red! OOF! He catches Felix with a running knee as the former World Champion gets up and that sends him into the turnbuckles…Knox stalking in and delivers a few more boots, a right cross and OOF! Headbutt from Knox right into Felix’s nose! OH! HANDSLAP TO THE CHEST! (KNOX: “UGHHHHHHN AWESOME!”) Knox with an Irish Whip into the opposite turnbuckles! HERE COMES KNOX! RUNNING SHOULDER! (CROWD POP!) NO! FELIX LEAPT OVER HIM! HE’S FLIPPED THE SWITCH AND HOOKED KNOX IN A SUNSET FLIP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! KNOX KICKS OUT! Both men scrambling up, Knox swings and misses with a wild right! (WHAP!) Felix kick to the leg! Knox misses another wild right! (WHAP! Crowd pop!) Felix Kick to the gut! (WHAP! Cheers!) Felix Kick to the ribs! OH! (ROARS!) Felix with a dropkick! Kipup by Felix and he’s running towards the ropes and Springboards off as Knox stands up! (MORE ROARS!) HURRICANRANA! Felix leaps off, Knox rushing up as Felix runs off the side ropes…(cheers!) Spinning Leg Lariat!”

H’WOOD: “It’s like watching a speedballing Spider Man wrestle in there!”

O’CONNOR: “And Steve Knox isn’t getting up so fast this time, Felix hopping around with a grin on his face…he’s going to the second turnbuckle and Knox standing up slowly, LOOK OUT! (CRASH! CROWD ROAR!) TORNADO DDT! FELIX WITH A COVER! ONNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! NO! KNOX KICKS OUT! Felix gets up to his feet and this crowd is on their feet! Felix Red, lost amidst everything’s that’s gone down so far…looks to be in the best shape of this match!”

(CUTTO: JOE has pulled a ladder from ringside that he’s started to wrap one side heavily in the razorwire, whistling along happily. Then…to the crowd’s increasing volume, he places one arm through several rungs on that side and repeats the process, before leaving at least 6-7 more revolutions of the wire…underneath his floppy hat. “ALRIGHT JOE THE PLUMBER! JOHN TROJAN’S WON THE FIGHT! NOW, HE’S GONNA SHOW YA HOW WE FLY LIKE A FREEBIRD!”)

H’WOOD: “This is something so wrong…but so right for this match.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix sees what’s going on…and…is he conversing with Joe.”

H’WOOD: “Please don’t show this.”

(CUTTO: FELIX leaning over the ropes, nodding at JOE.)

FELIX: “I like the new look.”

JOE: “That’s ‘cause John Trojan’s, the original rockstar! Born to Party with Presidents, so you…Listen up Axel Vicious! The Punk Revolution started on the streets of John Trojan’s playgrounds! YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE JOHN TROJAN GET HIGH AS THE MOON!”

(CUTTO: H’WOOD facepalming.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix stepping onto the apron…he could take his chances with Joe…”

H’WOOD: “I wouldn’t take chances with a man strapping himself with jagged, metal wire to a ladder.”

O’CONNOR: “Knox slowly getting up and FELIX SPRINGBOARDS! (CRASH! LOUD CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHD! 720 DDT! SEVEN-TWENTY DEEEEEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (CROWD: “FEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEEEELIX!”) WHAT A MOVE! RED’S COVERING KNOX! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (CROWD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! HORNET WITH A DIVING BREAKUP!”

H’WOOD: “’Ol Bugbrain finally got something right!”

O’CONNOR: “We were millimeters from a new World Champion! And speaking of which, I think the one we’ve got has completely gone off the deep-end as he’s steadying himself outside the ring…he’s trying to climb up on the apron! Felix is in complete control inside the ring, up on his feet and peppering Hornet in the head with right hands as he tries to stand…Felix hooks him in a front facelock…hooks the leg and WHOA! (CROWD ROAR!) FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX! ONNNNNNE! TWOOOO! KICKOUT! Felix not taking long to let Hornet recover, two seemingly iconic representations of their wrestling eras…at long last, battling each other. Felix bringing up Hornet and slams him down right near the turnbuckles. Felix hopping up on them, corner slingshot splash! (GROANS!) NO! Hornet got up the knees and that’s going to put a damper on Felix!”

H’WOOD: “The man’s more like a cockroach than a honey-lactating insect. Especially if you take out the roach part of the equation.”

O’CONNOR: “Ok, we get the picture! Felix doubled over, Stevens…Knox…both trying to regain consciousness…and Joe the Plumber…”

H’WOOD: “…you can say it, Beanfry…’cause I say it every minute I watch the man. HE’S LOST HIS GODDAMN MIND!”

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting VERY LOUD!) “I…I think you’re right!”

(CLOSEUP: JOE THE PLUMBER, somehow…someway…balancing himself on the top rope, the last few rounds of razorwire haloed around his head. A 10 foot ladder barbed, wired and gripped by his arms in a way that only a psychotic, delusional and brown-acid tripping Leonardo Da Vinci could visualize…JTP spits out his plastic-tipped Philly Blunt then starts shaking his head spastically, “WE’RE GONNA FLY JOSEPH! JUST LIKE THE WHITE DRAGON THAT HELPED ME KILL YOUR DADDY! IT’S TROJAN TIIIIIIIIIIME!”)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “JOE’S IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRR!”

H’WOOD: “He’s high alright.”

O’CONNOR: (over crowd pop!) “Hornet dodges out of the way at the last minute, but Joe’s on his feet in the middle of the ring looking around wildly!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP looking at all the opponents starting to get up, surrounding him…JTP starts shaking his head like he’s seen the light of God filling his soul with a faith only known to true believers. He looks up to the sky, “ERNIE BORGNINE, JOHN TROJAN SALUTES YA!” JTP starts spinning around wildly in spastic circle.)

H’WOOD: “Did you know Jan Michael Vincent is Dorchester Stratton’s uncle?”

O’CONNOR: “JOE’S GONE INTO A BLACKHAWK DEMONSPAWN RAPTOR! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE LADDER JUST CRACKED FELIX IN THE JAW! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX TAKES IT IN THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! (crowd gets LOUD!) Hornet dropkicks the ladder coming right at him, but that’s just sent Joe’s momentum spinning the other way!”

H’WOOD: “Y’know, maybe I underestimated Hornet in this environment. I mean…it’s not like all the crazybirds of the last twenty years have been knocking on his mansion with pitchforks and torches…hell, he kept a branding iron.”

O’CONNOR: “Triple X is getting up in a headwounded stupor…he doesn’t even see Joe coming, he’s stalking towards Hornet and pointing towards him…(CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) STEVENS TAKES ONE IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! (LOUD CRACK! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!) DOUBLE CHOPPER BUSTAH! KNOX AND RED HIT AT THE SAME TIME FACING TWO DIFFERENT WAYS!”

H’WOOD: “Ok, now this is getting ridiculous!”

O’CONNOR: “Herpin dove out of the ring, now outside with Phillips…Stevens smartly rolled out of the ring, but I can’t say the same for Steve Knox! (CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) KNOX STAYS ON HIS FEET! (CRACK! MORE ROARS!) SWEET MARY! (CRACK! LOUD CHEERS!) KNOX TAKES THREE STRIKES AND HE’S OUT!”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD sitting with his head in his hands, MONTY watching cross-armed and shaking his head negatively.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix staggering up and (crowd pop!) He just ducked under the ladder, he’s now adjacent to Hornet they’re making eye contact…OH WAIT! (CROWD: “OHHHHHHHH!” LOUD GROANS!) FELIX LEGSWEEP AND HORNET WITH A THESZ PRESS! HORNET WAILING AWAY ON JOE! LOOK OUT! Felix has Hornet from behind and drags him up, WAIT! VICTORY ROLL! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! NO! Kickout! Hornet and Felix getting up, Hornet with a double leg takedown and he’s going for the Scorpion! YESSSSSSSSSSS! HORNET’S GOT FELIX IN THE SCORPION! FELIX HAS NOWHERE TO GO!”

(CUTTO: JTP detaching himself out of the ladder with a howl of pain as the razorwire pulls on his head and arms. He gets himself in jousting position, readjusts his barbed wire halo and charges to crowd cheers!)

O’CONNOR: (over crowd roars!) “JTP AIN’T GOIN’ DOWN! He rams the ladder into Hornet’s lower back! That breaks up the submission on Felix and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CHEERS!) OHHHHHHHH! HE JUST JACKHAMMERED THE LADDER ONTO THE BACK OF FELIX’S HEAD! Hornet’s turned around and spins Joe around, they’re fighting for the ladder!”

H’WOOD: “What the freak is going on now!?”

(CUTTO: JTP backpedaling in shock, removing the wire halo, holding up his hands and pleading with HORNET who looks confused. JTP points at HORNET, “John Trojan knows ya brother…he saw you take down THE GREAT WALL IN ’82! YA FRAKKIN’ DID IT ON U-62, JOHN TROJAN REMEMBAHS YA!” JTP falls to his knees, bowing down as the crowd starts booing!)

O’CONNOR: “I…I…what the freak is going on?”

H’WOOD: “Don’t ask me!”

O’CONNOR: (over groans!) “Hornet with a boot to the head! Hard right! Another right! Hornet grabbing JTP and another hard right hand! JTP is on the ropes, half goosestep half stumble and Hornet whirls him around…another right hand! Irish Whip by Hornet and WATCH OUT! (crowd pop!) RUNNING CLOTHESLINE! JTP LANDED ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD! Hornet pacing around waiting for Joe to get up again…HERE WE GO! (loud cheer!) ANOTHER CLOTHESLINE! Joe’s going spastic as he rumbles back up…OH! Right hand by Hornet! Another hard right! ANOTHER! Joe’s staggering around the ring and Hornet’s grabbing the ladder… (crowd starts getting loud!) He’s leaning it vertically against the turnbuckles and Joe’s charging at him, OH! (groans!) Hornet moves out of the way and Joe smacks against the ladder…OH! Joe gets cracked with another hard right from Hornet! Another! Hornet grabs Joe and sends him packing across the ring, WATCH OUT! (crowd gets loud!) AVALANCHE CLOTHESLINE! Hornet with another Irish Whip! (CRACK! CROWD GETS VERY LOUD!) JOE’S ON THE LADDER! HERE COMES HORRRRRRRRNET! (LOUD CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) HORRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH AGAINST THE LADDER! OHMYYYYYGAHHHHHHHHD!”

(CUTTO: JTP hopping like a mad rabbit away from the ladder, spinning wildly, swinging crazily at the air and finally faceflopping on the mat. STEVE KNOX gets up wearily and ends up getting clotheslined out of the ring by Hornet as JTP gets up once more…shouting spastically, his eyes crossing and a viciously follow-up faceflop.)

H’WOOD: “Joe’s REALLY selling the moment here.”

O’CONNOR: “Well, I don’t know if he’s going to want to buy this… (crowd gets loud!) Hornet’s got his legs… (CROWD ROARS!) YESSSSSSSSSS! SCORPION DEATHLOCK! HORNET’S GOT THE CHAMP LOCKED, STOCKED AND BARRELLED IN THE IMMORTAL SUBMISSION!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing up and shouting at JOE to get out of the hold…)

H’WOOD: “This can’t be happening! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!”

O’CONNOR: (over crowd screams!) “Referee Herpin’s back in the ring, he’s asking Joe if he wants to quit!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP screaming and hollering! “JOHN TROJAN CAN’T FLY AGAINST DA HORNET! WHY DIDN’T JOE TELL ME!? JOE, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME!?”)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUDER screams!) “THIS IS SURREAL! THIS IS HISTORIC! JOE’S RAISING HIS HAND TO TAP, I THINK HE’S GONNA DO IT! (LOUD ROARS!) Wait! Wait! FELIX IS UP! He’s on the apron…and LOOKIT THIS! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SPRINGBOARD LEG LARIAT ENZIGUIRI! HORNET’S DOWN!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD falling into his seat with a huge sigh, him and MONTY do a no-look high-five together.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix getting up slowly… (crowd gets loud again!) …but I don’t know if he’s going to want to get up at all! Stevens is in the ring with a chair! Felix is up and Stevens tosses the chair to him…”

H’WOOD: (over screams!) “WHY DO THEY ALWAYS CATCH IT!?”

O’CONNOR: (LOUD CRACK! CROWD ROARS!) “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! X-DAMNATION! A SUPERKICK INTO THE CHAIR! IT JUST CRACKED OFF FELIX’S HEAD!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and MONTY slapping a high-ten in the Presidential Suite…)

O’CONNOR: “I guess we know who they’re rooting for at this point! We’re just crossing the forty minute mark in this match, Lamont…and we might be witnessing the historic end! Stevens falls to his knees and crawls on top of Felix! THIS HAS TO BE IT!”

H’WOOD: “You’re damn right it is! There’s NO WAY anyone can get out of this!”

O’CONNOR: (w/ crowd screams!) “ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEENO! (CROWD ROARS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! HORNET BREAKS IT UP! HORNET PULLED STEVENS OFF! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD kicking his legs frantically in his chair. MONTY wincing and shaking his head in pain for… CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS who is looking up wild-eyed at the ref, who’s holding up two fingers…and then back at HORNET who’s lying facedown on the mat.)

O’CONNOR: “There…There can’t be a winner in conditions like this. There just can’t be! Sean Stevens is getting up, he’s tired, wired…and grabbing that chair again!”

H’WOOD: “We may see some honey splat on our clothes, Beanfry!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s getting up slowly, Stevens is tapping that chair on the mat…anything goes, anything can happen…HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD ROARS!) HORNET DUCKED OUT OF THE WAY! HORNET’S OUT OF THE RING!”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET pacing around the ring, smiling like a cheshire cat at STEVENS who’s yelling and slamming the chair across the top rope. STEVENS notices JTP getting up slowly in the turnbuckles and with a violent revolution…CRACK! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHHHHH!”)

O’CONNOR: “OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! (LOUD BOOS!) STEVENS BROKE THE CHAIR OVER JOE’S HEAD! THE SEAT CUSHION’S OUT! JOE’S WEARING A NECKLACE!”

H’WOOD: “And it ain’t the kind he had to wear to get inside Shane Southern’s cardboard box along Bourbon Street!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s eyes are lolling in the back of his head, but Sean Stevens is still focused on Hornet who was on the ring apron…hold on, Stevens is rolling out of the ring adjacent to Hornet’s side. LOOK OUT! (more boos!) Stevens is throwing a litany of chairs into the ring in frustration right now and Hornet even seems a little confused…”

H’WOOD: “NFW does this to a man, Beanfry. You name me an NFW World Champion, I’ll name a man that went completely mad in this federation and didn’t last at the top too much longer. That’s why Joe’s closing in on the most impressive reign in history, he was ALREADY off the reservation!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens stalking around ringside as Hornet’s backpedaling a bit and trying to survey exactly what is going on here…meanwhile, back in the ring…as if things couldn’t get more dangerous, a chair-necklaced champion is trying to stand himself against a barbed wire ladder. Surrounding him, must be four or five chairs…”

(CUTTO: STEVENS closing in on HORNET, also pointing at him. His face is red, there’s blood slightly pouring from his nose… STEVENS: “THAT’S IT! How many times are you going to keep me from taking what’s RIGHTFULLY MINE!? You gave up the THRONE a long time ago, you geritol-streaming, Cialis and Oxycotone popping impotent has-been! I’M ENDING YOUR CAREER TONIGHT!”)

O’CONNOR: “…and now, Lamont…we can only say this…Hornet and Felix may be the sanest guys left in this thing.”

(CUTTO: The Presidential Suite, MAYFIELD stroking his chin nervously as MONTY makes a cuckoo motion and shake of the head towards COJONES. An aide runs into the area, delivering a PSP to Eddie…who doesn’t turn around, instead starts flipping and shuffling it around nervously in his hands.)

H’WOOD: “We’re at forty minutes, Beanfry. As irrational as Stevens looks, this COULD work out. ‘Cause Hornet’s not looking back towards the ring, his sane thinking is that if he draws Stevens away from the ring…there’s less interference.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet seems to be avoiding the entrance ramp, instead…yes, lookit this. (crowd gets loud!) HORNET IS OVER THE BARRICADE AND INTO THE CROWD! Stevens is looking at what just happened incredulously, he doesn’t believe Hornet’s gone in there…”

H’WOOD: “Something smells funny, Beanfry!”

O’CONNOR: “Back inside the ring, Steve Knox is standing up…so is Felix Red, who’s got a chair in his hand! (CRACK!) OH! RIGHT TO THE FOREHEAD OF KNOX! That’s completely busted him open! WOW!”

(CUTTO: STEVENS looking at inside the ring, where KNOX is standing on rubber legs as FELIX leans himself against the ropes. FELIX is blinking like he’s concussed, catching wind then jumps and CRACK! CHAIR ASSISTED DROPKICK!)

O’CONNOR: (over roars!) “OHHHHHHHHH! Felix planted that, he’s going for the cover! ONE! TWO! NO! Knox with a BIG kickout!”

(CUTTO: STEVENS looking for HORNET in the crowd, unable to find him. Looking back at the ring, then rushing over towards REFEREE BRUCE PHILLIPS and grabbing him! The crowd gets LOUD as STEVENS shoves him into the crowd, pushing him along as he goes HORNET hunting! The crowd’s volume gets even louder in anticipation, while some brave souls toss their drink at STEVENS! Security immediately jumps into the fray, dragging them away from the action and keeping a perimeter around PHILLIPS and STEVENS. CUTTO: Back in the ring! FELIX setting up the chair in the middle of the ring to sit on…)

H’WOOD: “Forty-five minutes, Beanfry. The audience can say what they want about this place, but even they have to admit…that’s a long time to keep it IN THE RING for this match.”

O’CONNOR: “And you would’ve guessed Joe or Felix would be the first to try it, but it’s the veterans…the champion pedigreed superstars that have been at odd for a decade. Hornet and Poison Ivy were once in love, she’s now married to Sean Stevens who since this decade began has looked at Hornet as someone that’s held him back, under the proverbial glass ceiling…and quite possibly the man he hates the most in his wrestling career, let alone the personal life situation which probably hurts Hornet more.”

H’WOOD: “So…you’re just saying they’re the two we should’ve expected this from in the first minute.”

O’CONNOR: “Yep! But maybe it’s going to be Felix Red in the ring…completely in control of the situation and now sending Steve Knox off the ropes and (CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHH! DROP TOE-HOLD ONTO THE CHAIR! Man, it’s like it’s just a roadblock in Knox’s mind…he’s pushing himself up, I thought that broke his jaw!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS leading PHILLIPS around like a fullback through the crowd, his eyes darting everywhere as someone shouts, “IT’S JUST LIKE ’99, STEVENS! ONLY YOU’RE NOT EXPECTING HIM IN YOUR BEDROOM!” STEVENS turns around violently and screams “WHO SAID THAT!? WHO THE F—” Out of nowhere, HORNET pops through security and behind Triple X, cinching in a Dragon Sleeper!”

O’CONNOR: “HOLY SAM FISHER! WHERE’D!? HOW!?”

H’WOOD: “Rumour has it that him and Randalls were born in 1887 and were part of some WEAPON-X project…”

O’CONNOR: “Well, I wouldn’t go that far and Sean Stevens might not either! Back in the ring, Steve Knox is…sitting in the chair. His head is sooooooooo damaged right now that he’s just sitting in the chair and whimpering! (WHAP!) OHHHHH! FELIX KICK TO THE SIDE OF THE HEAD! Knox is lolling, Felix is on the apron…SPRINGBOARD! (LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! KNOX MOVED JUST IN TIME! FELIX SPREADEAGLES THE TOP OF THE CHAIR!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS falling to a knee as HORNET maintains the Cobra Clutch cinched Sleeper Hold, leaning all his weight forward. FELIX RED, in the ring, stands up slowly as STEVE KNOX rushes in…)

O’CONNOR: “Knox with a bear hug! NO! (CROWD ROARS!) NORTHERN LIGHT SUPLEX! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (MORE ROARS! GROANS!) NOOOOOOOOO! JOE WITH A DOUBLE LEGDROP ACROSS THE BRIDGE!”

H’WOOD: “I think Joe is on pure fumes, Beanfry! He hasn’t even moved since hitting it…Knox looks like he’s coughing out a little alien in there.”

O’CONNOR: “Outside the ring, fans are going wild! Triple X is on both knees now, he may have let his anger get the best of him! Referee Bruce Phillips raising his arm once…IT DROPS! Phillips raising it twice…IT DR—NO. Stevens keeps up the arm, Triple-X continuing to fight the sleeper hold…Stevens up to a knee…”

H’WOOD: “Hornet may be too tired to really cinch that sucker in or even worse, he’s not choking him.”

O’CONNOR: “Nice. Inside the ring, Joe’s crawling back to that corner with the chair…and pulling himself up rung by rung. Knox is holding his ribs, trying to stand up with the ropes…Stevens now pushing himself up to his feet, outside the ring…somewhere in front of section 20. Hold the phone, I think he’s got the back of Hornet’s head…Hornet may want to hit the eject button!”

H’WOOD: “Stevens is smart enough to tightly lock those fingers of his into Hornet’s hair…no matter how 80’s buzzcut he likes it.”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet trying to whirl Stevens around violently, NO! (GROANS!) JAWBREAKER COUNTER! Hornet’s sleeper is broken, but the legend didn’t go down! Stevens quickly using some security to help him up and here comes Hornet, NO! (BOOS!) Stevens pulls another security crew into the fray, Hornet bounces off him and Stevens gets a rake of the eyes! (BOOS!) Another rake! (BOO!) Stevens with a hard right! Kick to the side of the leg and LOOK OUT! (MORE BOOS!) Stevens rams Hornet headfirst into the nearby guardrail!”

(CUTTO: JTP rolling around the ring, the ropes holding him up and the chair hanging from his neck. KNOX seems to be slowly trying to follow him with a chair, pulling himself up via the ladder.)

O’CONNOR: “Stevens with another ram into the guardrail! He’s going for a third, NO! (cheers!) Hornet with a side elbow counter! (BOOS!) Stevens with an old-timey backrake, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t just send Hornet to his knees!”

H’WOOD: “Sean Stevens is one of the last superstar champion pedigreed wrestlers with ties to the way Eddie Mayfield likes to see his wrestling, Beanfry. You call that old-timey, but we call that ART.”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens with a kick to Hornet’s back and that sends the icon down to the parquet floor…they’re now actually getting past the back of the first area of floor admission seats…and heading towards places I don’t even want to think about.”

H’WOOD: “You could say that metaphorically, but with the mental and physical states of everyone involved, I’d say we’re just heading for the top of the mountain. ‘Cause soon, somebody’s gonna take a LONG FALL.”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens has Hornet…and OOF! He just hogtossed him into the guardrail, back in the ring…Joe’s cornered Knox and seems to be trying to mash him down with some right hands, Joe’s bleeding a lot…so is Knox. I don’t know if these guys can even stay conscious. Joe grabs Knox by the arm and hold up, IRISH WHIP! NO! REVERSED! (CRASH! GROANS!) OH! Joe couldn’t stop himself and just might’ve moved the ring eastwards six inches! Knox has him by the arm again and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRACK! LOUDER GROANS!) IRISH WHIP CHESTFIRST INTO THE LADDER! JOE’S ON DREAMSTREET AND KNOX GRABS BACK HIS CHAIR! (LOUD THWACK! LOUD GROANS!) CROWD/O’CONNOR: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OHMYGAHHHHHHHD!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP somehow…someway…STANDING. He’s trying to walk, dipping deep on each plant of his foot…a SECOND metal chair now draped around his neck. He’s trying to maintain his balance, his legs quivering and his eyes going into REM REPEAT!)

H’WOOD: “Somewhere, there’s a headless man in heaven from the French Revolution that’s thinking…well, at least that didn’t happen to my head.”

O’CONNOR: “Knox is grabbing Joe’s old barbed wire halo from the ground…he’s putting it around his right arm! He slams it against the ladder and ALLLLLLLL ABOARRRRRRRRRRRD! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH FOUR! GOLD RUSH FOURRRRRRRRRRRRR! HEART’S ON FIRE! HEART’S ON FIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!”

H’WOOD: “John Cafferty did name the Beaver Brown Band after Joe’s mom, THIS IS ONLY FITTING.”

O’CONNOR: “With AWESOME desire, Steve Knox goes for the pin! HERPIN’S MAKING THE COUNT! ONNNNNNNNE! WAIT A MINUTE.”

(CUTTO: FELIX RED climbing to the top rope to crowd screams! HERPIN slapping his hand w/ the crowd shouting “TWOOOOOOOOOOOO!”)

O’CONNOR: “FELIX MAY NOT STOP IT IN TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME! THRRREEEEEEEEE (LOUD CRASH!) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! SHATTERED HORIZON SWANTON BOMMMMMMMMMB!”

CROWD: “FEEEEEEEEEEEEEELIX! FEEEEEEEEEEELIX!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD playing Muramasa: Demon Blade on the PSP, his fingers mashing furiously as he steals quick glances to the ring…pausing to see this.)

H’WOOD: “This is what I was afraid of, Sean can’t break this up!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix is still hurting himself, unable to take advantage right away of the utter destruction he just brought upon Joe the Plumber and Steve Knox! Felix pulling off Knox and covering Joe! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) JOE KICKS OUT! FELIX LANDS ACROSS STEVE KNOX, WHO’S ON HIS BACK! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRREEEEEEEEEENO! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! KNOX KICKS OUT!”

CROWD:: “THAT WAS AWESOME! (claps!) THAT WAS AWESOME!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD blowing out a sigh of relief, tapping the PSP on his knees. MONTY watching intently down below, back and to the left, where spotlights are tuned on HORNET and STEVENS.)

O’CONNOR: “I don’t know how much we all can take of this! What a match so far!”

H’WOOD: “And Joe still has those chairs around his neck, I don’t think landing on them has done him any favors.”

O’CONNOR: “Speaking of favors, Sean Stevens is giving Hornet one hell of a tour of the Garden…they’re making their way towards a tarped tunnel area, which I’m not even sure where that’s leading.”

(CUTTO: HORNET staggering around, leaning up against a cement wall where NFW fans are trying to reach down from the second level to touch him. As he turns around, SEAN STEVENS barrels into him with a vicious kick!)

O’CONNOR: “OH! Stevens with a hard kick to Hornet’s sternum and LOOK OUT! (crowd groans!) He just smacked Hornet’s head against the wall and that sent the iconic legend staggering away…STEVENS FROM BEHIND! (more groans!) Running Bulldog on the parquet floor! Stevens covering and Bruce Phillips making the count! ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Hornet with a kickout and Stevens lets out a yell of frustration, he’s got Hornet by the hair…OOH! Vicious knee to the head! Another! (cheers!) Hornet fires back with a wild right that connects and catches Stevens by surprise! Another right from Hornet! Kick to the gut! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) LOOKIT THIS! (CROWD ROARS!) DEEEEEEEEEEE DEEEEEEEEEEEE TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET SPIKED STEVENS ON THE PARQUET FLOOR! HE ROLLS HIM OVER! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! (crowd screams!) OHHHHHHHH! Stevens with a kickout just before the three count!”

H’WOOD: “If one of these two would just hook the tights or find some ether, we’d be able to get home at a decent time!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet getting up slowly…back in the ring, it’s a complete trainwreck. Felix Red is trying to gather himself as Steve Knox and Joe the Plumber aren’t even moving. Hornet grabbing Stevens by the hair…and they’re going through that makeshift tarp-covered tunnel, we’re gonna need a few more cameramen to keep up with them.”

H’WOOD: “Maybe Eddie had a special hire this week…a man can dream!”

O’CONNOR: “Meanwhile, Felix is dragging the current champion to the middle of the ring, chair necklaces and all the warts involved…OH! (groans!) Double Stomp! Oh! (more groans!) Double Kneedrop across the sternum…man, Joe’s getting torn apart! Felix up and grabbing a couple more of those chairs that Triple X deposited in the ring…he’s now dumping them on Joe, I think we’re about to see something lethal! (crowd gets loud!) Oh man, he’s covering Joe’s face with that last chair.”

H’WOOD: “It’s like blindfolding the executionee…I like that style!”

O’CONNOR: (over crowd roars!) “Felix running off the ropes, here he comes… (crowd screams!) SPRINGBOARD! (CRACK! CROWD EXPLOSION!) OHHHHHHHHHHHH! CORKSCREW MOONSAULT! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! JOE’S ON THE FRITZ! FELIX ROLLING AROUND IN A LOT OF PAIN!”

H’WOOD: “That’s why you can’t trust Felix as your champion, Beanfry. Unlike my son or anyone in Dynasty he has no care for his own well-being…and I’m not even talking about the excessive drug use right now.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix making his way over to the champion and he covers! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRRRNO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKED OUT! I DON’T BELIEVE THIS!”

H’WOOD: “I have no answers at this point, Beanfry…NONE. This man is running on something none of us could ever understand.”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET battering STEVENS with overhand right hands as they push through the tunnel, where NFW and Boston Garden staff are trying to clear out of the way. HORNET rams STEVENS headfirst into a metal post holding up the tarp covering.)

O’CONNOR: “Y’know, if I’m not mistaken…those two could be heading towards are backstage and back parking lot production area.”

H’WOOD: “Just wonderful. We’re gonna be on the news for a murder.”

O’CONNOR: “Meanwhile, Felix is dragging Joe up to his feet…those chairs still dangling off his neck. His face is SHREDDED, he looks absolutely nasty right now…Felix leaning him against the ladder… (WHAP!) Oh! Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Another Felix Kick! (WHAP! WHAP!) Joe’s getting blasted with those signature kicks, shaking like he’s taking machine gun fire! Felix grabs a chair…OH NO! (LOUD THWACK! CROWD SCREAMS!) FELIX BROKE THE CHAIR OVER JOE’S HEAD! THAT’S THE THIRD ONE!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t think he’s done…”

O’CONNOR: “Felix backing up…HE’S CH—WAIT! KNOX WITH A ROLLUP! ONNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! Wow, where did Knox come from!?”

(CLOSEUP: JTP’s eyes blinking spastically, his cheeks puffing out as blood spittle flies frenetically out of his mouth. He starts shaking uncontrollably, his skin matching the blood covering his face. CUTTO: HORNET and STEVENS tumbling over a table, knocking over a huge water jug in the process.)

O’CONNOR: “Felix and Knox getting up quickly and (WHAP!) OH! Felix Kick! (WHAP!) Another! Felix bounces off the ropes and HURRRRRRRRRRRRICAN—(CROWD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOO! (CRASH! CROWD ROARS!) SPINNING POWERRRRRRRRRRRRBAHHHHHHHHMB! KNOX COVERS! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO! NO! Felix just kicks out in time!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS grabbing a chair and swinging it at HORNET, who ducks out of the way! The chair caroms off the wall and rebounds with a smack into STEVENS’ face! HORNET fires off a couple of right hands causing STEVENS to drop the chair and stagger away…)

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox is going to give himself a heart attack at any moment, I don’t know how a man can survive coming so close to victory so many times!”

(CUTTO: JTP all of a sudden screaming, “JOHN TROJANNNNNNNNNNNNN! YOU KILLED MY DADDY!” JOE falls to his knees and starts weeping as the chairs dangle, “You killed my pa…” QUICK CUTTO: STEVE KNOX’s attention darting directly towards JTP and he bounces up into action…)

O’CONNOR: “Knox on his feet and he’s setting his sights on the champ! Right hand! Right hand!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t know if that’s affecting him too much.”

O’CONNOR: “Knox with a kick to the head! Another kick!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP shaking off the kick from a wide-eyed KNOX, the chairs dangling around his neck. JOE: “TROJAN KILLED MY DADDY!” KNOX hits a right hand! JOE: “TROJAN TOOK HIM TO DA DRAGON!” KNOX with a big kick! JOE: “TROJANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!” With that, JTP looks up BUG-EYED at KNOX who’s own raging insanity is starting to subdue in the face of one he realizes is on way, way, way, way many less…yet powerful brain cells.)

H’WOOD: “I haven’t seen the gleam of such hatred in someone’s eyes since the time I saw your wife in the homemade honeymoon video!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s standing up! I don’t know how! Knox with a right! (roars!) No effect! Knox with a tornado right! (ROARS!) NO EFFECT! Knox off the ropes! OHHHHHHH! (LOUD ROARS!) ROARING ELBOW…AND IT’S LIKE A FLY GLANCING OFF A WINDSHIELD!”

H’WOOD: “Or off someone that’s siphons off its cleaning fluid ‘cause they think it’s full of Vitamin B!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP with his teeth gnashing, stalking out towards KNOX who’s clawing at his own face in anger. KNOX: “WHY…WON’T…YOU…DIE!?!?” JTP howls back in laughter. JTP: “LET’S GO TROJAN! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN! IF YOU’RE AFRAID OF THE BEE, YOU CAN’T LAST ONE SECOND WITH JTP!”)

O’CONNOR: “Knox with a right! Joe with a right! Knox! Joe! Knox! Joe! Knox! Joe!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET and STEVENS battling near a double-door, HORNET with a right! STEVENS with a right!)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet! Joe! Knox! Stevens! Joe! Hornet! Stevens! Knox! Everyone’s throwing a fistful of dollars! Hornet! Joe! Knox! If you’re watching on both screens, you’re seeing something surreal…OH! (BOOS!) Knox and Stevens both deliver pokes to the eyes at the same time! Knox has one of those chairs and LOOK OUT! Joe gets tossed into the ladder! Meanwhile, Stevens grabbing Hornet and WHOA! (LOUD CHEERS!) He just threw him through the doorway and SWEET MARY.”

H’WOOD: “There’s enough glass in there to build a ceiling that could even keep Hornet down!”

O’CONNOR: “They’ve spilled into the production cargo room that’s just outside…well, I won’t even go there. Knox bashing Joe’s head into the ladder, but Joe fires with a back elbow and OH BOY! (CHEERS!) Joe’s raking Knox’s head on some of those barbed wire rungs…that’s not gonna keep his dermatologist happy! Joe with an Irish Whip, NO! REVERSED! NO! (CRASH! LOUD GROANS!) SHORT-ARM CLOTHESLINE BY KNOX! AND I THINK JOE BROKE HIS NECK ON THE CHAIRS HANGING OFF OF HIM!”

H’WOOD: “Did I already make a French Revolution joke in this match?”

O’CONNOR: “We’re closing in on ONE HOUR of action. We’re closing in on HISTORY. Therefore, like much of NFW’s, I’ve already repressed anything you’ve said out of my memory, Woodman!”

H’WOOD: “Hey!”

O’CONNOR: “Sean Stevens…he’s got the look of a kid in a house of candy…that he potentially knows could explode, collapse and kill him all the while. Hornet’s on all fours and OOF! That’ll help Stevens out some, a vicious kick to the ribs. Stevens…(CROWD GETS LOUD!) well, he’s not in any old cargo room for production equipment…he’s in NFW’s!”

H’WOOD: “Machete section, aisle 3!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens has a baseball bat! He’s got it over his head! (LOUD ROARS!) GORRRRRRRRRRRRE! HORNET POPPED OUT WITH A CRUSHING GORE! That’s nothing, but cement that Triple-X’s head cracked off of! HORNET’S COVERING! HE’S GOT STEVENS HOOKED! There’s Bruce Phillips with the signature Powerslide! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRNO! (Crowd wolf whistles!) NO! Stevens kicks out!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX bent at the hips, hands on his knees. His eyes staring wildly at JTP who’s getting up slowly to his feet. The crowd starts getting loud as KNOX keeps motioning for JOE to face him…)

O’CONNOR: “This…CUE UP THE IMPERIAL MARCH! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH EPISODE FIIIIIIIIIIVE! THE AWESOME STRIKES BACK! THE AWESOME STRIKES BACK! JOE’S OUT! HE’S GOTTA BE!”

(CLOSEUP: KNOX popping to his feet and screaming, “JOHN TROJAN DIDN’T KILL YOUR DADDY! I AM YOUR DADDY!” KNOX falls over and crawls over to JTP, emphatically hooking the leg as REFEREE HERPIN slides in!)

O’CONNOR: “THE AWESOME AGE IS UPON US! ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRED! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX RED’S GOT KNOX BY THE LEGS!”

H’WOOD: “That was it! It was over! Joe didn’t kick out!”

O’CONNOR: “OHNO! (LOUD ROARS!) FELIX STRETCH! FEEEEEEEELIX (Regal) STRETCH! KNOX IS TRAPPED!”

H’WOOD: “Steve Knox is sooooooooo gonna beat up a hooker tonight. You can just tell he’s going into the life of KVC after this.”

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red is on the verge of winning the NFW World Championship…hold that dial…”

(CUTTO: HORNET grabbing a light tube fixture and cracking it over STEVENS’ head to crowd roars! STEVENS eyes cross as he falls from his knees to straight on his face. HORNET grabs two concrete blocks and drags a plate of glass onto it, the crowd getting EXTREMELY loud! CUTTO: KNOX trying to crawl towards the ropes, while RED pulls back with all he’s got…)

O’CONNOR: “This thing could end at the same time, this thing could end either way…the fans are on the edges of their seats. So is President Mayfield, so am I! Hornet’s bringing up Stevens…OH SWEET MARY! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) URRRRRRRRRRANAGEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET PUT STEVENS THROUGH THE GLASS!”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD’s bugging out, he points at COJONES and motions for him to take off. QUICK CUTTO: KNOX grabbing the ropes, but REFEREE HERPIN not starting the five-count!)

O’CONNOR: “Apparently, Steve Knox really didn’t read the memo because ANYTHING GOES! He thought that’d break the hold, but we can’t disqualify anyone!”

H’WOOD: “Give the man a break, he’s had six concussions in this match alone!”

O’CONNOR: “And now…(CROWD ROARS!) HORNET’S GOING FOR THE SCORPION DEATHLLLLLORDY MERCY ME! (LOUD BOOS!) SEAN STEVENS PUNTED HIM IN THE BALLS!”

H’WOOD: “That’s why I’m taking a shine to the guy, Beanfry…you want to lambast that move, but he’s the one getting blasted through panes of glass! Hornet’s drinking the cyanide, he has to protect himself!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens is howling in pain, but he made Hornet collapse to the ground…and Felix Red…Knox is fading out! (crowd gets loud!) KNOX IS FADING OUT! Knox getting his arm raised ONCE…IT DROPS! (CROWD ROARS!) TWICE…OH WAIT! JOE! IT DROPPED! A THIRD… (CROWD EXPLOSION!) JOE HAS FELIX! HE HAS HIS LEG HOOKED IN A CRADLE! (CRASH! CHEERS!) BACK SUPLEX! JOE’S CINCHED IN A PIN! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! (wolf whistles from the crowd!) Felix kicks out in the nick of time!”

H’WOOD: “Sean Stevens now has the opportunity to turn the tide for the rest of this match. The guys in the ring are going to kill each other, he’s got Old Yeller alone…PULL OUT THE GUN!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens may be getting cocked and loaded, alright! (crowd gets loud! CUTTO: Some fans eyes WIDENING big-time as they are watching the backstage action on the FRONTIERtron.) STEVENS has a metal pipe! The echo on that is gonna make Venom implode if he’s in the arean tonight! (CLANG! LOUD GROANS!) OHHHHHHH! RIGHT ACROSS THE BACK OF HORNET! Did you hear that off the cement?!”

H’WOOD: “He went right after the back of Hornet, that’s a huge deal! (CLANG!) THAT’S RIGHT! CRACK IT LIKE MOMMA CARLTON ON A LOBSTER!”

O’CONNOR: “Thank you for that vivid imagery…and now, hold on…what’s Stevens doing with that cement block?”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ eyes gleaming maniacally and possibly on 3 snorted grams of XXXtasy! He hoists up the cement block and the CROWD SCREAMS!)

O’CONNOR: “OHHHHHHHHHHHH! HE JUST DROPPED IT ON HORNET! HORNET’S GRABBING HIS LOWER LEG! WHAT WAS SEAN STEVENS THINKING!?”

(STEVENS paces back and forth, while HORNET screams and growls in extreme pain, clutching at his lower right leg. STEVENS nods, “YOU WANT TO WALK IN MY SHOES, PAUL!? THIS IS WHAT THIS HELLHOLE PULLED ON MY ASS LAST TIME! LET’S SEE YOU BREAK THIS CEILING, BIT(BLEEP!)H!”)

O’CONNOR: “OHNO! Stevens is stomping viciously on the lower right leg! Who could forget the FIRST-ever National Championship Series and the FINAL that Sean Stevens qualified in. Only in NFW could a chairshot to Stevens’ ankle be par for the course, but later reports showed that Stevens FRACTURED his ankle in the match…falling prey to Teresa Quaranta (CLANG! GROANS!) OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! …and it’s all coming to fruition right now! No, Sean…NO…”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET’S lower leg and ankle being placed on the cement block as STEVENS keeps a boot on HORNET’s chest…CUTTO: JTP coming to and seeing the action on the FRONTIERtron himself…)

O’CONNOR: “DON’T DO THIS, SEAN! (CLANG! CLANG! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHH!” HORNET violently screams!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHD! Stevens just spiked and chopped down on Hornet’s leg! He HAD to of broken something! Hold on…what’s Stevens doing he’s got Hornet’s boot, he’s ripping it off! LOOK OUT! OH! Stevens with a stomp on Hornet’s head!”

(CUTTO: JTP pacing around the ring, the chairs hanging off his neck…he’s gnashing his teeth. Suddenly, he points at the screen and yells, “HORRRRRRRNET! JOE’S A COMIN’! I AIN’T AFRAID LIKE MY DADDY’S KILLAH, JOHN TROJAN!” JTP suddenly exits the ring and starts storming up the aisleway, straddling himself up and over the guardrail and into the crowd to roars!)

O’CONNOR: “Joe better get there before Sean Stevens snaps his leg in half! What’s Stevens got now!? (CROWD GETS LOUD!) He’s got two of those tube fixtures waving around like Big Papi Ortiz! (GLASS SHATTER! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHHHH!”) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! HE JUST BUSTED THEM OVER HORNET’S BARE FOOT! SEAN STEVENS HAS LOST HIS GODFORSAKEN MIND! (LOUD SCREAMS!) He’s stomping the broken glass into Hornet’s barefoot, he’s sick! He’s twisted!”

H’WOOD: “He’s on the verge of becoming the first NFW World Heavyweight Champion since Armando Montezuma that this company can be proud of!”

O’CONNOR: “Back in the ring, Felix Red and Steve Knox are getting up…Red looks like he wants to follow Joe, but Knox reels him in from behind! FULL NELSON! NO! (CRASH! CROWD ROARS!) DRAGON SUPLEX! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! FELIX KICKED OUT! KNOX CAN’T BELIEVE IT! He’s arguing with referee Greg Herpin, now grabbing him by the shirt! Herpin just slapped his hands off and is pointing in his grill…Knox better be careful here!”

H’WOOD: “You mean Herpin should…you don’t put your finger in a crazy man’s face! Steve Knox has nothing left in the tank of sanity that’d been on fumes since he met Joe the Plumber!”

(CUTTO: JOE shoving people aside as he walks through the tunnel and screaming “STEVENS! I smell your perfume! I snatched it up one day, while you were workin’ out in some 24 hour 7/11 with weights and basketball courts! YOUR HEAT ACTIVATED PERFUME IS LEADIN’ JOE, UGHHHHHHHHHHHN! TO HIS DESTINY FORESEEN! TROJAN, YOU WATCHIN’! UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU WATCHIN’!??”

QUICK CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS his eyes watching the hallways where he can hear some distant shouting. His head surveys the room and then smiles even larger…He starts tipping over fluorescent tubes, light fixtures, a box of thumbtacks onto the production room’s floor…)

O’CONNOR: “What is Sean Stevens doing right now? He’s got Hornet’s other foot, he’s ripping off that boot…what in the hell is he thinking!? Now, he’s grabbing Hornet he’s got him up in a scoop position…LOOK OUT! (CROWD GROANS!) An avalanche slam into the wall and LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRACK! HE JUST SLAMMED HIM THROUGH THAT BOX OF…well, what in the…”

H’WOOD: “Well, now we know where ALL the thumbtacks were…”

O’CONNOR: “In the ring…WHOA! (crowd boos!) Knox just shoved referee Greg Herpin! (CHEERS!) HERPIN SHOVES HIM BACK! NOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) KNOX WITH A RIGHT HAND! HE JUST HIT THE REF! OH NO! VICIOUS KNEESTRIKE TO THE FACE! He has COMPLETELY lost it…my god, Steve Knox…just jawjacked a referee. We’re officially in dark waters now.”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: STEVENS surveying the room and hearing the hustle backstage near him getting louder…”HORRRRRRRRRNET!” can be heard on the distance and the other half of the screen, where JOE THE PLUMBER just yelled into the ladies bathroom. JTP adjusts his four-way chair necklace and then his tool belt, when one of them sees his blood dripping everywhere and lets out a spinequivering shriek that sends him staggering out.)

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting loud…) “Stevens now…well, he’s jumping and stomping around that room like he’s on G4’s Human Wrecking Balls, one of our new television sponsors at ESEN…”

H’WOOD: “Stevens actually is using some skills he’s refined through a decade of owning one of the finest wine vineyards and resorts in Southern Italy.”

O’CONNOR: “Stop lying about him, Lamont…he’s a ruthless, sadistic individual…(crowd gets louder!) who now has that metal pipe in his hand and what the? (crowd buzzes!) He’s put that metal pipe through the double doorway handles that Hornet and him barreled through in the process…”

H’WOOD: “You know…this reminds me of something I’ve seen before…”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens…LOOK OUT! (GLASS SHATTER!) HOLY MARY MOTHER! HE’S DESTROYING THE WHOLE ROOM! Those were table length plates of glass! That whole floor…OHMYGOD.”

H’WOOD: “Stevens is working the Nakatomi play! He’s…HA!”

O’CONNOR: “In the ring…Steve Knox has that halo of razorwire and for the second time in this match, he may be bringing the Gold Rush with it! Are we about see the SIXTH attempt? Felix is getting up…(crowd cheers!) OHHHHHHH! KNOX UP AND OVER THE TOP! FELIX DUCKED OUT OF THE WAY!”

H’WOOD: “I like that Knox is now throwing himself out there like a methed up conductor on a Great American Freight Train, but just because you can slice cars in half…you still have to see the cliff on the other side!”

(CUTTO: The door rumbling with the metal pipe through the handles. CUTTO: JTP outside the doors and shaking them, he starts kicking at the door! QUICK CUTTO: HORNET clutching at his leg and back, trying to lean against the wall all the way to the opposite side of where STEVENS is watching the door. CLOSEUP: STEVENS makes eye contact with HORNET and smiles…leaving to the unblocked doorway. STEVENS: “I’ll be watching.” QUICK CUTTO: The door taking a huge bash from JOE’S shoulder! QUICK CUTTO: HORNET alone in the room, the crowd starting to get louder! The door takes a HUGE dent… CUTTO: JTP on the ground, getting back up quickly…and delivering another running shoulderblock to the door, almost busting it open!)

H’WOOD: “Hornet knows where Stevens is…Joe doesn’t and Hornet knows that and is barefoot and seconds away from wrestling Joe the Plumber…in a room full of shattered glass and thumbtacks. THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL RENDITION OF THE NAKATOMI.” (starts clapping!)

O’CONNOR: “Sit down!”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD watching on nervously, ARMANDO MONTEZUMA giving him an encouraging pat on the shoulder.)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s on his feet…and he’s got a SEVERE limp, Lamont. He’s HURTING badly…”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET taking a few steps and screaming out loudly, falling down and grabbing at his feet immediately. Pieces of glass flutter off as the crowd buzzes about…then lets out another roar as the pipe gets unhinged by another JTP shoulderblock! HORNET rushes to his feet and makes his way towards the exit STEVENS used…but then the door makes a LOUD CRACK!)

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD ROARS!) “JOE’S THROUGH THE DOORS! Run Hornet! RUN IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!”

H’WOOD: “Make Lieutenant Dan proud!”

O’CONNOR: (over CROWD SCREAMS!) “JOE’S GOT HIM! He swivels Hornet around! Right hand! Kick to the gut! SH(bleep!)T RIVER PL—WHOA! MODIFIED FRANK ‘N PARSONS BY HORNET! Joe’s screaming like a banshee! He’s on his feet quickly and pointing at Hornet!”

(CLOSEUP: JTP in pointing position, “You seen what John Trojan can do, LEGEND? NOW UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU SEE WHAT THE FRAK JOE’S ALL ABOUT!”)

O’CONNOR: “HERE COMES JOE! Hornet has to stand his ground, but Joe’s waylaid into him and shoving him backwards! Hornet hopping, his ankle…his barefeet…the glass everywhere, the thumbtacks…HE’S SCREWED. OH! Joe with a headbutt! Right hand! HOLD ON! Hornet’s got one of those chairs and spins Joe around! OHMYGAHD. (CRASH! CROWD ERUPTION!) SCORPION DEATHDROP! HE GOT JOE! HE’S GOT JOE! ONNNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRNO! NOOOOOOOO! JOE KICKED OUT! A BIG KICKOUT!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX getting up outside the ring and watching the FRONTIERtron, the surrounding crowd chanting “JOE! JOE! JOE!” He starts shaking, when suddenly he jumps up and vaults into the crowd. FELIX gathering his senses, watching KNOX…smiles and slowly rolls out of the ring. Slyly following, looking like his back is the worse for wear…)

O’CONNOR: “This…this is all getting interesting. Referee Greg Herpin is wincing big time…his mouth is bloody, but he’s gonna have to get up and follow those guys, if he wants to stay as an official in this match. Meanwhile, Hornet…can he even STAND? Can he even WALK out of this? Somehow, someway…he’s dodged a major bullet, but he can’t stay in there with Joe or in general.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET crawling towards the wall and the doorway…all of a sudden, SEAN STEVENS comes right through and blasts him with a kick to the head! STEVENS rips up HORNET to his feet, grabs his arm…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “OHNO! (CRASH! LOUD GROANS!) What a…HEARTLESS…ohmygod. Sean Stevens just Irish Whipped Hornet across the room, BAREFOOT on shattered glass, thumbtacks and god knows if his ankle is broken.”

H’WOOD: “HA! Too bad he had to jump over Joe, I don’t think he’d have made it anyway!”

O’CONNOR: “Instead, he landed on his side…Stevens is out of the room again, Hornet’s yelling in an incredible amount of pain. Bruce Phillips looks light a frightened field mouse in the middle of a Herculean struggle of blood, guts and glory.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET standing up against the wall, completely on the opposite side of the exit towards STEVENS…HORNET makes eye contact with the other exit and then with JOE THE PLUMBER who’s getting up to his knees, tossing off the chair necklace and starting to shake his head. JOE: “ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. I didn’t realize this was a Rice Krispies covered floor match, ‘Ol Joe didn’t know the Hornet knew the rules of the Brooklyn Championships. ‘Ol Joe didn’t know that Hornet danced on wholesome grains of glass…UGHHHHN!”)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s on his feet, he’s making a motion for Hornet to bring it on…and Hornet’s just at a loss for what to do…”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET shaking his head, “Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…”)

O’CONNOR: (over loud cheers!) “Hornet fires first! Right hand! Another hopping right! Joe blocks the next one and delivers a right hand of his own! Joe with a headbutt! Bionic Elbow and that almost buckled Hornet, WAIT! (LOUD BOOS!) OHHHHHHH! HORNET GRABBED A METAL PIPE AND SLAMMED JOE IN THE GUT WITH IT!”

(CUTTO: KNOX making his way through the tunnel, FELIX RED lagging a few carlengths behind…QUICK CUTTO: HORNET backing up with the pipe, the glass crunching under his feet…his body quivering in the shock of dealing with innumerable pain…)

O’CONNOR: “THIS…this feels like watching the first two HIGHLANDERS.”

H’WOOD: “Agreed.”

O’CONNOR: (over screams!) “HORNET SWINGS! (CLANG!) JOE DUCKED! Joe with a right! Another right! Kick to the gut, the metal pipe goes flying and into Joe’s hands! JOE SWINGS! (CROWD ROARS!) HORNET DUCKS AND CHARGES, BARRELING INTO JOE! LOOK OUT! (LOUD CRASH!) WHERE’D THEY GO!?”

(QUICK CUTTO: The Production parking lost. The night air getting jostled by HORNET and JOE THE PLUMBER tumbling into the fray, bashing against the side of a production truck! The crowd gets loud! There’s bloody footprints on the white pavement, while HORNET stands up JTP against the truck…)

O’CONNOR: “There they are! Hornet with a shoulderblock! ANOTHER! Sean Stevens has to be lurking out here, that has to be in the back of Hornet’s mind…here comes security and wait…THAT’S COJONES MERCADO.”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD watching the proceedings on the FRONTIERtron with an eagle-eye, MONTEZUMA eyeing him with curiosity.)

O’CONNOR: “But…still no sight of Sean Stevens. OOF! Another shoulderblock by Hornet! OH! Bionic Elbow from Joe sends Hornet staggering away…Hornet’s walking towards the front of the truck…LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) Joe with a shove from behind and Hornet’s head just took out the side mirror!”

H’WOOD: “Eddie’s gonna charge him for the insurance increase off that! That’s coming out of his paycheck…”

O’CONNOR: “Joe reeling Hornet up…scoops him up…and OOF! Slam on the pavement! Joe…Joe’s climbing up on the hood of truck! (CRASH! BOOS!) THERE’S STEVENS! He was underneath the truck and just pulled out Joe’s legs as he was climbing up, which caused Joe to jawjack himself on the hood! Joe staggering away, Stevens climbing on the hood… (LOUD SCREAMS!) GUILLOTINE LEGDROP ON HORNET! STEVENS COVERS! PHILLIPS COUNTING! ONNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOO! NO! Joe boots Stevens off the pinfall attempt, Joe with another boot! He’s got Stevens by the hair and up on his feet, right hand by the champ! Another!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX walking through the cargo production area littered with glass and thumbtacks… KNOX: “Something AWESOME happened in here…”)

O’CONNOR: “Stevens up on his feet and he’s bailing out towards the entrance to the truck. Joe’s following him up the steps and Stevens…oh come on! (boos!) He just grabbed and tossed a staff worker into Joe, then uses that distraction to crack a right hand to Joe’s temple! Another! Anot—NO! Joe blocks it! Headbutt! Bionic Elbow sends Stevens through the truck doors!”

(CUTTO: Inside the production truck, STEVENS staggering and then turning around right into another Bionic Elbow! STEVENS falls to the floor as JOE grabs a headset, takes a seat and shouts “UGHHHHHHN! NEXT ON J-T-P TV, WHO’S THE BOUSE!? UGHHHHHHHHN! Cut to camera 4!” All of a sudden, STEVE KNOX is in the truck and wrapping JTP around the throat with production wires!)

O’CONNOR: “KNOX IS ON THE SCENE! HE’S IN THE TRUCK! Knox dragging Joe out of the truck…”

(CUTTO: Back to the parking lot, where KNOX is pulling JTP out of the entrance, the champ’s arms flailing everywhere…)

O’CONNOR: “Joe with a back elbow to Knox’s gut! Knox staggers back and LOOK OUT! (cheers!) FELIX RED AT GROUND ZERO! Back body drop onto the cement! Knox is hurt! Joe trying to untangle the wires, but OHNO! (WHAP!) FELIX KICK! Right to the back of the head and Joe’s down! Felix is now picking up Joe by the hair…he’s carrying him along the trails of wire…they’re getting dangerously close to several electrical panels connected to those bevy of wires…”

H’WOOD: “This could be like the Temple of Doom powered by Thor…”

O’CONNOR: “What in the…(loud screams!) Felix is going to slam Joe headfirst into a Snakepit Panel, NO! Joe with a back elbow! Bionic Elbow! Another! Felix on dream street and Joe winds up another…BIONIC ELBOW! Felix hits the cement, but here comes Hornet! Hornet with a right! Another right! He’s got those wires and NOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS! SFX: CRACKLING ELECRTICITY!) JOE WENT HEADFIRST INTO THAT PANEL, SPARKS JUST FLEW EVERYWHERE! Joe’s staggering around, shaking spastically…Hornet’s won this way before in his first ever match against Mike Randalls! This could be it for the champ! Hornet’s lining him up for the Scorpion Deathdrop! WAIT! STEVENS IS ON THE TOP OF THE PRODUCTION TRUCK! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) STEVENS WITH A MISSILE DROPKICK ON HORNET!”

CROWD: “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”

H’WOOD: “That’s going to be on magazine covers nationwide, Beanfry! I’ve never seen anything like that in my life!”

O’CONNOR: “Wait…NO FREAKING WAY! KNOX HAS JOE IN HIS SIGHTS! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD ROARS!) AXE BOMBAHHHHHHHHH! GOLD RUSH SIX! THE UNDISCOVERED AWWESOMMMMMMME!”

H’WOOD: “I thought you’d be going FREDDY GOT FINGERED: THE AWESOME NIGHTMARE…”

O’CONNOR: “JOE’S OUT. He’s not moving. Knox collapses on him for the pin! ONNNNNNNNNE! (W/ CROWD!) TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD ROARS!) NOOOOOOOOOOO! STEVENS WITH THE BREAKUP! HE’S GOT KNOX BY THE FOOT! (LOUD SCREAMS!) ESS TEEEEEEEEEEE EFF! S-T-F!”

H’WOOD: “Do you believe in miracles!? I think I might right now!”

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox goes from one millimeter away from being the NFW World Champion to completely in the middle of one of the most random places for a wrestling submission! There are no ropes, there are no rules…and if there is no help soon, I don’t think Steve Knox is gonna break out of this!”

H’WOOD: “Nononononono! (LOUD CHEERS!) God freaking damnit!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix rushing in and stomping on Stevens from behind! Triple-X, the XXXtasy of Professional Wrestling now taking a barrage of stomps from Felix…what the, hold up… (CROWD ROARS!) Red’s on the car hood, Stevens is rushing up! MOONSAULT BODYPR—NO! STEVENS CATCHES HIM!”

H’WOOD: “This is poetry in motion, Beansprouts! (LOUD GROANS!) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!”

O’CONNOR: “SPINNING TOMBSTONE PIIIIIIIIIIIILEDRIVAH! Stevens makes a cutthroat motion and covers! ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) HORNET WITH THE SAVE! HORNET DIVES IN FOR THE SAVE! Stevens can’t believe it, I can’t believe it!”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET lying facefirst on the ground, his feet covered in blood and his body heaving. STEVENS is bent over on his knees, pounding the pavement with his fists. FELIX and JOE are motionless, KNOX is rolling around in pain…)

O’CONNOR: “What a match…what a WICKED AWESOME match, if I don’t mind being the spokesman for the Boston Garden right now! (CROWD: “ENN-EFF-DUB! ENN-EFF-DUB!”) These fans are on their feet, eyes glued to the FRONTIERtron…and Sean Stevens, I’m not sure where he’s going but it’s headed towards the stairwell that Cojones is watching.”

H’WOOD: “That could be a good thing.”

O’CONNOR: “I’m not sure if you’re representing everyone watching this match with that opinion, Lamont.”

H’WOOD: “Like I care what anyone watching thinks…why don’t I start working at soup kitchens, while we’re being ridiculous?”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s crawling and now getting up to his feet, following Sean Stevens who’s actually trying to get pushed away by Cojones Mercado…Stevens is crawling into that bottom stairwell, I’m not sure where that goes. Stevens is willing to risk it and now…”

(CUTTO: Secret Service entering the Presidential Box, whispering something into EDDIE MAYFIELD’s ear. The President nods as other Secret Service start escorting ARMANDO MONTEZUMA and his entourage out of the box…)

O’CONNOR: “That…that can’t be good.”

(CUTTO: STEVENS walking up the stairwell, but MERCADO is trying to stand in his path. HORNET and STEVE KNOX come lumbering towards the area…MERCADO starts shouting at security to come over and stop them…STEVENS lands a cheapshot to the gut and MERCADO falls to a knee. STEVENS squirms past as KNOX starts plastering the security as they try to grab him!)

O’CONNOR: (over the crowd getting loud!) “This is pure chaos! Security and Steve Knox are going at it! Mercado wanted to watch that area and now…Hornet’s hopping towards him…OH! Mercado was about to swing his chair, but Hornet hits a diving forearm right into his jaw! Cojones is down and Hornet’s past him now! Steve Knox just hit a Double STO on the security! Hold up, Joe’s up! Joe’s grabbing Knox from behind! FULL NELSON! NO! (CROWD ROARS!) FULL NELSON SLAM! (CROWD: “F-N-S! F-N-S!”) JOE COVERS! ONNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOOO! KICKOUT BY KNOX! And oh my…”

(CUTTO: FELIX RED rolling onto his stomach, blood pouring out of his forehead…)

H’WOOD: “Someone get the hose, we’ve got no clue what kind of disease that man can get airborne in Boston!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix’s eyes are glazed over, he may have a serious head or neck injury from that vicious piledriver by Stevens…who I have no clue where he is…”

(CLOSEUP: JTP making his way towards COJONES, pointing at him…COJONES doesn’t risk anything this time, immediately swinging his chair! THWACK! JOE manages to get an arm up to block, not that was good for his arm…COJONES: “YOU NO GET UP! …the stairs, mang. YOU NO GET UP!”)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD BOOS!) “Sweet Mary! Cojones swings that chair again, but Joe moves out of the way! The champ doesn’t look happy, but WAIT WATCH OUT! (LOUD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH SEVENNNNNNNNNNNNN! AWESOME ARE FOREVER! COJONES IS OUT! COJONES IS OUT!”

H’WOOD: “So, it’s official…we’re gonna have to suspend Steve Knox for knocking out half the referees and security involved in this match. Including two head officials…”

O’CONNOR: “I’d actually say that’s par for the course in a match of this much magnitude in NFW…Bruce Phillips is really all we’ve got left in what little order we’ve got. Knox and Joe are staring each other down near that stairwell, Felix Red is slowly getting to his feet…Knox charging Joe! (cheers!) Right hand by Knox! Another! Joe fights back with a right of his own! They are just covered in blood at this point, but I’m not sure any of it is Knox’s…OH! Bionic Elbow by Joe! Another one puts Knox on one knee…YES! Another puts Knox down on the cement! Joe stepping over him, NO! Knox yanks out Joe’s foot and drops him on the pavement, Knox scrambling up and mounting into a reverse chinlock…correct that! (crowd gets loud!) Knox wailing away with roundhouse shots to the sides of Joe’s head! Felix is coming over and Knox springs into action, LOOK OUT! (LOUD CHEERS!) Felix ducks under a wild right hand and Knox spinned around into a single-leg mule kick into the breadbasket!”

H’WOOD: “And where the hell are Hornet and Stevens? Why is the Presidential Box getting evacuated…”

O’CONNOR: “We still don’t have any cameramen in the area, or a ref! Red is actually heading up that stairwell, now…and it looks like Bruce Phillips is going to follow him! Joe getting up…OH! Knox with a lunging elbow strike to the side of Joe’s head! Joe’s down, Knox grabs him…LOOK OUT! (groans!) Joe goes headfirst into the back tire of the production truck! Now, Knox is headed towards the stairwell…”

(CUTTO: A sectioned off hallway that looks like the upper-echelon skybox area. There’s a few tuxedo waiters, black cocktail dress waitresses. QUICK CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD being ushered out of his skybox into the hallway. All of a sudden, HORNET comes into the picture…)

H’WOOD: “OH GOD.”

(CLOSEUP: Secret Service and PRESIDENT MAYFIELD all stopping in their tracks as they’re face-to-face with a blood covered and heavily limping HORNET who seems to be looking at everything in the area, but them. Finally, HORNET makes eye contact with MAYFIELD…THE PRESIDENT takes a look at HORNET’S feet and almost ralphs on the spot.)

SECRET SERVICE MAN: “Excuse me sir! This concession area has been sectioned off only for the Presidential Party!”

HORNET: “NO F(BLEEP!)ING S(BLEEP!)T, does it look like I’m about to order a pizza!?”

MAYFIELD: (smiling oddly) “Is the production truck on fire?”

HORNET: “No, but it’s gonna need a new paintjob and a sh—”

O’CONNOR: “LOOK OUT! (LOUD SCREAMS! CRACK!) NOOOOOOOO! STEVENS WITH A BLINDSIDE CHAIRSHOT! HORNET’S DOWN! Mayfield…Mayfield must have seen Triple X lurking behind Hornet and baited the legend into a Die Hard quote competiton!”

H’WOOD: “John McClain would last a week against Eddie! Then, he’d join him and rightfully take his place at Cojones Mercado’s post!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet could be unconscious and a smiling Sean Stevens tosses the chair away, nodding to an also smiling President. Stevens now pacing around Hornet, OH COME ON! (boos!) Stevens standing on top of Hornet’s bad ankle and lower leg…OH! Double Stomp on it and Hornet’s screaming in pain! Stevens now grabbing Hornet’s foot (crowd gets loud!) Stevens has an Ankle Lock in place! I don’t know if Stevens has worked this move extensively, but judging by Hornet’s screams…I’d believe if he said he did!”

H’WOOD: “Call the match, Mr. President! Call the match! We don’t want to end Hornet’s just burgeoning career! Think of his future!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s grasping at his hair, only ‘cause there’s nothing to get him out of this…he’s trying to crawl towards some seated tables, but OH MAN. (LOUD BOOS!) The Secret Service all just shifted to the right with Mayfield in the middle of them! HERE COMES SOMEBODY! (crowd gets loud!) IT’S BRUCE PHILLIPS! ‘POWERSLIDE’ PHILLIPS, the second official is on the scene! …but that can only mean… (LOUD ROARS!) STEVE KNOX! STEVE KNOX! He’s got Stevens locked in a Cobra Clutch Sleeper! Stevens still has that ankle lock on Hornet! And wait…(MORE CHEERS!) FELIX RED! Felix just leapt onto Knox’s back and locked in a Sleeper Hold of his own! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?”

H’WOOD: (over crowd “NFW!” chants!) “You just can’t script this kind of madness! I don’t care what anyone in the so-called news media world says about us!”

O’CONNOR: “Bruce Phillips doesn’t know what to do! He can’t check on all these men at the same time, word has it that Greg Herpin has remained in the medical staff room…apparently, he lost a tooth thanks to Steve Knox…and a possibly broken jaw, JEEZ. What was Knox thinking?”

H’WOOD: “And you know how much Eddie hates paying for anyone’s dental insurance unless it’s for a whitening and cleaning job!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens is starting to slump over, but so is Knox! And you can tell that Hornet isn’t in as much pain, but he may be in dire straits if things go awry with the position of his leg in Stevens’ loosening grasp. Hornet’s trying to pull himself out…OHGOD. (CROWD EXPLOSION!) OH DEAR GOD.”

(CUTTO: JOE THE PLUMBER slowly stalking into the scene, nodding his head and smiling. His face is covered in blood… JOE: “UGHHHHHHHHHHHN!” TIME TO GREASE UP THE FRAKKIN’ PARTY!”)

O’CONNOR: (over cheers!) “Joe charging in! HE JUMPS! (LOUD ROARS!) And London Bridge just fell down, Lamont! Joe tried to jump on Felix’s back, but that was too much for Stevens and Knox to brace up with their fading states of consciousness! And…that doesn’t look pretty for Hornet, either…his leg got caught up in the bottom of the pile and he’s yelling in pain! Felix and Joe look to be getting up first, but Felix is trying to pull out Steve Knox from the fray…Joe’s now got one of Felix’s dreads and swerves him around! BIONIC ELBOW! Felix just went bowlegged for a moment, here comes another elbow…NO! Felix smartly drops out and dropkicks Joe in the knee! Knox rushes at Joe! (LOUD CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) They just broke through those two office doors!”

H’WOOD: “Those weren’t office doors!”

(CUTTO: The crowd, ALL STANDING. Their hands up in the air in victory pose, while JOE THE PLUMBER and STEVE KNOX tumble over chairs in the PRESIDENTIAL BOX!)

O’CONNOR: “That’s the Presidential Skybox that they’re in! THIS IS DANGEROUS, LAMONT! THIS COULD END SOMEONE’S CAREER!”

(CUTTO: Staff and Security quickly rushing out of the entrance area and darting towards the sectioned off area underneath the Presidential Skybox, where the oddly large number of tables nearby has become…not so odd.)

O’CONNOR: “Knox and Joe getting to their feet and Knox thumbs the champ right in the eye! Joe falls over some chairs, but HOLD ON! Felix is in the box and he just jumped off a chair and caught Knox with a spinning leg lariat!”

(QUICK CUTTO: Secret Service hogtossing HORNET into the box, while EDDIE MAYFIELD is shielding himself away from the camera, where he’s helping SEAN STEVENS and giving him something…)

O’CONNOR: “What in the…”

(QUICK FLASH OF STATIC! CUTTO: Back to the Skybox shot! FELIX is punching away on KNOX’s scalp…)

O’CONNOR: “What was going on there!? Get the camera back online!”

H’WOOD: “Looks like there was a technical difficulty there. I’d blame Joe’s body grease connecting to that electrical box ‘causing some shortages…”

O’CONNOR: “Felix standing up, but Joe’s got his hand wrapped around those dreads again! (LOUD CHEERS!) OH! Joe’s got Felix up, NO! JOE DON’T! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD GROANS!) OHHHHHHHH! Joe just dropped Felix in a spreadeagled on the edge rail of the skybox! Felix is teetering on dropping ten feet! Joe’s stomping around in the box, pointing at Felix! WAIT! NOOOOOOO! (LOUD GROANS!) STEVE KNOX WITH A LOW-BLOW! Joe goes down like he’s shot and Knox is standing up! He’s charging at Felix! (CROWD SCREAMS! LOUD CRASH! MORE SCREAMS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHD! FELIX DUCKED! KNOX WENT UP AND OVAHHHHHHHHHHH!”

(CUTTO: STEVE KNOX in the crop circle of two former wooden tables, his eyes are fluttering in R.E.M. as security and medical personnel rush over…more tables are getting pushed under the skybox by other stadium staff.)

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox could be dead! Felix Red now standing up, wait Hornet’s up…NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS! LOUD CRASH! CROWD: “OHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”) Hornet just lifted Felix up and over the edge! Felix goes through a table!”

(CUTTO: Secret Service and PRESIDENT MAYFIELD pushing Bruce Phillips down an escalator, running him towards the backstage ground floor area…)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s getting up and he charges into Hornet! They’re on the edge, Hornet trying to turn it around so he doesn’t go over first…Joe with a right! Hornet rakes the eyes and that turns Joe around! HOLD ON! (crowd gets loud!) SEAN STEVENS! TRIPLE X is in the box…wait, what’s he going with that!”

(SFX: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “HE JUST BLASTED A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!”

(SFX: GONNNNNNNNNG!)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD BOOS!) “OHHHHHHHH! HE BATTERING RAMMED JOE’S FACE!”

H’WOOD: “Now that’s how you go into a situation like this!”

O’CONNOR: “With Presidential Preferential Treatment!? Hornet’s trying to regain his sight, but walks up into a SCOOP! Sean Stevens has him over the shoulder and he’s walking towards the edge of the box! (CROWD GETS VERY LOUD!) HE’S GOING TO BODY SLAM HIM OUT OF THE BOX!”

(CUTTO: SECURITY seeing HORNET about to go over the edge, rushing over ‘cause there’s no tables near them to break the fall!)

O’CONNOR: “DON’T DO IT SEAN! (LOUD SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) WOWWWWWWWW! HORNET CRASHES INTO…god knows how many security just broke his fall! But it’s enough that Hornet’s still freaking alive and moving!”

(CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS leaning over the skybox rail, angered by the inability to kill HORNET. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! STEVENS’ head quickly turns around at the fact the skybox is getting smoked out by a fire extinguisher!)

O’CONNOR: “I think Joe’s got that extinguisher…and he’s blasting himself in the face with its spray contents!”

(CUTTO: The continual WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! going strong as the whole skybox has been engulfed by a white powdered air…STEVENS looks at this in shock and starts looking below, CLIMBING ONTO the guardrail…)

O’CONNOR: “Is he gonna jump!? HE’S INSANE! HE’S GONNA JUMP!”

(CUTTO: STEVENS perching on the guardrail, while screams of “UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN! ‘OL JOE IS BREATHING YA IN MUTHA NATCHA!”)

CROWD: “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS looking angrily at the crowd, flipping two birds and…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “STEVENS IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRR! (LOUD SMACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHD!”

H’WOOD: “I…I think I’m gonna be sick.”

O’CONNOR: “Sean Stevens went for it all on Hornet! I think he went for a dropkick, but Hornet dove out of the way! Stevens just landed on his back and legs…he’s SCREAMING in pain, medical staff are rushing over!”

H’WOOD: “Sure, they catch Hornet…but they never catch the bad guy!”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD and Secret Service leading BRUCE PHILLIPS to the destroyed area, where the wrestlers and security are. MAYFIELD stops in complete shock at seeing STEVENS …he darts his head upwards hearing “UGHHHHHHHHHN!” shouted in the skybox. MAYFIELD grumbles “Joe” in Seinfeld/Newman traditions.)

O’CONNOR: “Catch Hornet!? He was tossed on them by Stevens! Hornet’s now limping over…I won’t be surprised if three of these wrestlers are in traction for the rest of their lives after what just ensued! Hornet’s got Stevens’ legs…(LOUD EXPLOSION!) SCORPION DEATHLAHHHHHHHK! HORNET’S LOCKED STEVENS IN ONE OF THE GREATEST FINISHERS OF ALL-TIME! (LOUD BOOS!) MAYFIELD IS TRYING TO HOLD PHILLIPS BACK! (cheers!) Phillips frees himself, although I think Eddie’s resigned to the circumstances!”

H’WOOD: “Stop the progress, President! You don’t need to let Old Yeller live for good ratings! Everyone enjoys a merciless ending!”

O’CONNOR: “Of all the spots that Sean Stevens wanted to be in, I think this is the LAST one he would’ve signed up for! He just dropped at least 10 feet off that skybox to the parquet floor, now Hornet has locked him in a finisher that’s won him over twenty World Championships in a two decade career!”

(CLOSEUP: The crowd, all standing and PHREAKING OUT! HORNET is leaning back with all he’s got as SEAN STEVENS’ crimson face is screaming wildly in pain! BRUCE PHILLIPS asks he wants to give up, but STEVENS refuses adamantly! CROWD: “TAP! TAP! TAP!”)

O’CONNOR: “It’s like the National Champioship Series all over again! Will Sean Stevens risk his career, his livelihood, his championships in other federations to win one of the most important matches in wrestling history inside the NFW ring!”

H’WOOD: “Shutup Beanfry! SHUTUP!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD pacing around, looking nervous. STEVENS clasping at his hair tightly, then letting out a loud scream as HORNET tries to arch back further!)

O’CONNOR: “After all that Hornet just survived at Stevens’ hands, this is only poetic justice! Referee Bruce Phillips trying to see if Stevens is going to quit…and HOLD ON! Stevens has his hand up! (crowd gets loud!) He could be reaching his breaking point!”

H’WOOD: “Don’t do it, Sean! Show Lamont and the world what you’re really made of! Now, pull out your hidden aerosol can!”

O’CONNOR: “I don’t think it’s gonna work like that, Woodman!”

H’WOOD: “…Crap.”

(CLOSEUP: PHILLIPS asking STEVENS if he wants to stop the match, while STEVENS has his hand above the ground…shaking in pain…until in clenches…and flips the bird at PHILLIPS to crowd roars!)

H’WOOD: “YES! YES! Only the finest heel would refuse to sell a human bee’s submission hold that has NOTHING to do with his species! At least if he called himself Pointed Tail or Sting or something, it’d reference the Scorpion species, but please somebody explain why he chose HORNET? WHAT WAS HE THINKING!? WHY ISN’T HIS FINISHER CALLED THE HONEYDRIPPER!?”

O’CONNOR: “Well, Lamont…he is from Greensboro.”

H’WOOD: “Oh, yeahhhhhhh…right…they don’t have schools there. The only course in Biology they’ll ever know is why Cousin Eddie is a reason not to bang your Cousin Nettie, who’s really the daughter of your Cousin Betty and Freddie.”

(QUICK CUTTO: Through the thick, dust cloud of extinguisher smoke a raised right fist pops out to crowd roars! Slowly, JOE THE PLUMBER morphs through the fog with his hand in the air and his eyes bulging out like a baboon on crank…looking like he’s taken a deep inhale, a huff of white smoke French exhales through JTP’s twitching nostrils as his face ticks like a hummingbird on a pot of espresso. JOE flicks some blood off his face, then starts climbing on the skybox ledge to crowd roars! CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!” Joe starts balancing… QUICK CUTTO: MAYFIELD shouting at security to form around him, also ordering them to drag medical personnel away from the injured FELIX RED and STEVE KNOX, so he’s completely shielded.)

O’CONNOR: “IT’S THE CHAMP! HE’S LITERALLY RUNNING ON FUMES OF GOD-KNOWS-WHAT, WOODMAN! YOU’VE GOT THE METAPHORICAL LEEWAY THIS TIME!”

H’WOOD: “Metaphorical leeway?! Right now, I’m considering becoming a born-again Christian as long as that bastard doesn’t eat my soul tonight…or hurt the President.”

O’CONNOR: “Triple X looks like he may pass out at any moment! He’s been in that hold for over two minutes by now…it’s not like he’s had a respite from that damaging fall! Joe’s staring down at Eddie…who being the BRAVE PRESIDENT has pulled all twenty staffworkers around him in a impenetrable cocoon!”

(CUTTO: JTP swaying and standing on the ledge of the skybox, while the crowd chants “JOE! JOE! JOE!” JTP starts nodding and looks up at the lights, “TROJAN MAN! JOHN TROJAN! UGHHHHHHHHHHN! THIS IS FOR OLD MAN PLUMMAH! I AM MORE MAN THAN UGHHHHHHHHN! YOU!”)

O’CONNOR: “Joe is just shouting insanity towards the rafters, an obvious byproduct of huffing every unimaginable chemical in this world or Rite-Aid…and god knows how many shots to the head!”

(CUTTO: SEAN STEVENS reaching up towards the rafters, screaming in intense pain! “TAP! TAP! TAP!” echoing from the fans near the scene, as BRUCE PHILLIPS stands next to HORNET… watching, waiting… Suddenly and accompanied by crowd screams, STEVENS’ body slumps into unconsciousness! PHILLIPS rushes over and leans down, grabbing his hand and raising it in the air…)

O’CONNOR: “This could be it! THIS COULD BE IT! Stevens’ hand drops once! (CROWD: “JUMP JOE JUMP!”) Stevens’ hand drops…TWICE! (CROWD ROARS!) IT DROPPED TWICE! PHILLIPS’ RAISES IT A THIRD TIME! JOE HASN’T JUMPED! HE’S STILL SLAPPING HIMSELF IN A FRENZY! …a THIRD time!?”

(CLOSEUP: STEVENS’ face shooting upwards as he forces his hand from the rafters, struggling intensely to keep his hand up!)

O’CONNOR: “STEVENS KEEPS THE HAND UP! HE WON’T QUIT! HE WON’T SURRENDER!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t think he’s gonna live much longer, either! JOE’S GONNA JUMP!”

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! NOOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD EXPLOSION! CROWD: “HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!”) OH. MY. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD! JOE JUMPED! HE WENT FOR THE BIONIC ELBOW…BUT HORNET BROUGHT BRUCE PHILLIPS IN FOR TENUOUS COVER AT BEST! (CROWD: “EN-EFF-DUB! EN-EFF-DUB!” redux) EVERYONE’S DOWN! EVERYONE’S OUT! WE DON’T HAVE A REF! I REPEAT…WE DO NOT HAVE A REF!”

(QUICK CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD peeping out from the human bunker, his eyes bulging out as he sees all six men down on the parquet floor and the fans in hysterics! MAYFIELD burrows out, gets up to a standing base quickly and surveys the situation while adjusting his tie. Into the scene, come COJONES MERCADO and few more Secret Service agents. MAYFIELD starts almost swings at COJONES and then points towards the ring…)

O’CONNOR: (over crowd buzz!) “The President he’s directing his Secret Service and Cojones Mercado to pick up the wrestlers in the match, god knows what this is all about…”

H’WOOD: “Maybe its Survive the Execution portion of this match?”

O’CONNOR: “At 90 minutes in…are we sure that wasn’t a clause in the President’s contract? (crowd still buzzing…) It actually looks like they’re taking them to ringside, which may actually be a smart move by our esteemed President.”

H’WOOD: “Can’t you just applaud the man for once in your bitter life?”

O’CONNOR: “Well, notoriously getting left behind is Referee Bruce Phillips. And let’s face it Woodman, Joe and Hornet are getting kicked and shoved down the aisle, while Knox and Red are being pushed. Meanwhile, Stevens has a couple secret service agents helping him…”

H’WOOD: “You can tell who’s the good tipper, that’s all that’s about. These guys watch cars too, Beansprout. No wonder your car keeps getting keyed.”

O’CONNOR: “…I’ve never, ever told you about that. How did you know? (pause) Oh jesus, Lamont. I’ve spent thousands!”

H’WOOD: “It wasn’t me! It was…uhhh…I think Cojones told me about some security cam footage…”

O’CONNOR: “Red and Knox are back in the ring, Joe’s lumbering along the aisleway…and Hornet’s not even close right now, he can barely walk. Stevens is being helped to a chair at ringside, that’s just rich…”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and MERCADO watching medical staff try to revive PHILLIPS, but not having any luck…)

O’CONNOR: “Red and Knox are in the ring and on their backs…I mean, how could any of these wrestlers stand at this point…the ladder and barbed wire still in the ring, mind you…wait. WAIT! (crowd cheers!) Felix is crawling towards Knox! He’s going for the cover on him, but there’s no ref!”

(CUTTO: RED slowly slapping the mat a couple of times, which KNOX reacts to on instinct by shooting a shoulder up…)

O’CONNOR: “We don’t have a referee! Herpin got his brain dislodged by Steve Knox…Phillips is down and out from Joe’s insane jump out of the skybox…and now, Joe’s getting inside the ring with Felix and Knox. Here comes Joe! (cheers!) Overhand right to Felix! Felix with a right to the gut! Felix up…and rakes the eyes of the champion! Joe staggering away and Knox struggling up…Felix has Knox up onto his shoulders! (crowd gets loud!) KNOX HAS NOWHERE TO GO! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) ECSTASY OF THE AGONY! THE FAIR SHAKE INTO A SITOUT DOMINATOR!”

H’WOOD: “And Armando Montezuma may have just gotten sick seeing that!”

O’CONNOR: “Red covers! BUT THERE’S NO REF! Felix slapping his hand on the mat, but he’s getting nothing on this…OH! Joe rushing over with a stomp to the back of Felix’s head…another stomp! Hornet’s still not even at ringside and he’s actually getting taped up by some medical staff. Joe lifting up Felix by his dreads and delivers a Bionic Elbow! Felix staggering around and boot to the gut! Felix should have just won this match, now he’s in big trouble! POWER—NO! (LOUD CHEERS! CRACK! CROWD GROANS!) HURRICANRANA BY FELIX! Joe just flipped up and over into the ladder! Felix getting up, Knox getting up…LOOK OUT! (LOUD SCREAMS! CROWD EXPLOSION!) GOLD RUSH EIGHT! GOLD RUSH EIGHT! THE AWESOME TAKES MANHATTAN! THE AWESOME TAKES MANHATTAN!”

H’WOOD: “We still don’t have a ref, Beansprouts! I don’t know why you’re so excited!”

O’CONNOR: “Knox has Felix covered, he’s slapping his hand on the mat!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD and COJONES looking around frantically…the PRESIDENT looking for a solution to a huge problem with PHILLIPS still out of it…)

MAYFIELD: “Where the hell’s Roland Priest, he’s a referee!”

MERCADO: (scratching his head) “NO HERE. EXECUTED.”

MAYFIELD: “Damnit! What about Speranza?”

MERCADO: “NO WORK WITH NO BENEFITS.”

MAYFIELD: “DAMN! It’s not my fault his union asked for vision! I said they miss all the calls anyway…AH F(BLEEP!)K THIS!”

(MAYFIELD rushes over to PHILLIPS, while taking off his suit jacket and tie.)

O’CONNOR: “What’s Eddie doing? What’s the President thinking of doing?”

H’WOOD: “I don’t know, I’m a little frightened that he may be leaping into something without looking out for himself…”

O’CONNOR: “Is…Is he putting on the referee’s shirt!?”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD donning PHILLIPS’ ref shirt and running down the aisle! The crowd jumping up and down in a frenzy in the background…)

O’CONNOR: “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!”

H’WOOD: “Never doubt your President, Beansprout! He’s always looking out for his company!”

O’CONNOR: “I highly doubt this, but Mayfield’s running like I’ve never seen before…he slides into the ring, Knox is screaming at him! Mayfield with the count! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! (w/ crowd) TWOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD BOOS!) Oh come on!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD bent over, hacking and coughing…KNOX screaming at him to count 3! MAYFIELD lunges and goes for it!)

O’CONNOR: “THRRRRRRRRRNO! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX KICKS OUT! FELIX KICKED OUT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD standing and coughing out his black tarred lungs, pulling out a pack of Camels from the front pocket of his referee’s shirt…all of a sudden, STEVE KNOX is on his feet and pushing him into the corner!)

H’WOOD: “DISQUALIFICATION! DISQUALIFICATION! AWARD THE MATCH TO SOMEONE!”

O’CONNOR: “Mayfield is coughing all over Knox and this isn’t helping, but that man might! (LOUD ROARS!) HORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNET SPLASH! JOE HITS THE HORNET SPLASH! Mayfield ducked out of the way and Knox turned right into it! Knox staggering around the ring…BOOT TO THE GUT! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S GOING FOR IT ALL! (CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) SH(BLEEP!)T RIVER UGHHHHHHHHHHHN! PLUNGE! THE TIGAH DRIVAH HITS! JOE COVERS! HE’S GOT HIM PINNED! (LOUD BOOS!) No…NO…COME ON MAN! COME ON!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD oblivious to the situation, shakily lighting up a Camel Cigarette. Trash starts flying into the ring as MAYFIELD turns around and his eyes open up widely, the cigarette dangling from his lips…)

O’CONNOR: “Joe hasn’t looked up and seen who the ref is, he’s just headbanging and yelling ONE! TWO! THREE! Over and over again!”

H’WOOD: “Run Eddie…run now while you’re alive…”

O’CONNOR: “NOBODY EXPECTED THIS! NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND THOUGHT THIS COULD HAPPEN!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD shaking his head no repeatedly, falling to his knees…)

O’CONNOR: “ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!”

(MAYFIELD shouts “ONE!” takes a puff, slaps his hand a second time…)

O’CONNOR: “TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

(JOE starts sniffing around and then swerves his head to make eye contact with MAYFIELD, who’s shouting “TWO!” after taking a second puff on his cigarette. JTP screams “UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHN!” MAYFIELD immediately leaps to his feet in indescribable fear as JTP jumps up with innumerable hatred…)

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD SCREAMS!) “NO JOE! DON’T DO THIS! He’s chasing President Mayfield around the ring, he totally forgot or didn’t care that Mayfield was counting the pinfall for this match… (LOUD CHEERS!) JOE’S GOT EDDIE’S COLLAR! He spins him around and swings a wild right, but Eddie dodges out of way…OHNO. NO, JOE…he’s got Eddie in the corner…MEANWHILE! SEAN STEVENS HAS ROLLED IN THE RING! He’s got Knox by the legs… (CROWD SCREAMS!) SCORPION DEATHLOCK! HE’S GOT STEVE KNOX IN HORNET’S FINISHER! That’s…That’s three SIGNATURES of this match in a row to Steve Knox!”

(SPLIT-SCREEN: HORNET pushing away medics as they try to keep taping up his feet and injured ankle/lower leg. He starts limping quickly towards the ring. On the other screen, PRESIDENT MAYFIELD is pleading for his life as JTP has him cornered and gripped by the ref shirt lapels…In the background, STEVENS has an unconscious KNOX in the Scorpion!)

H’WOOD: “You gotta wonder where Ivy learned this move and where she taught it, Beansprouts!”

O’CONNOR: “Felix Red is stumbling to his feet and walking along the apron, while Hornet’s on the opposite apron…Joe’s still hanging onto Eddie!”

(CUTTO: KNOX letting out a yell of pain, which snaps JOE out of his glaring staredown at PRESIDENT MAYFIELD who’s trying to tell him to relax. JTP looks him up and down, “Nice frakkin’ shirt…” JTP turns around towards KNOX, his eyes widening and his hands releasing MAYFIELD immediately. JOE: “I THOUGHT I SMELLED SOME HEAT ACTIVATION!”)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s rushing towards Stevens from behind! (cheers!) HE’S GOT HIM BY THE HAIR! (MORE CHEERS!) STEVENS SENT UP AND OVER THE TOP! Meanwhile, Felix Red is climbing the top rope! Joe rolling Knox over for the pin! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! (CROWD SCREAMS!) FEEEEEEELIX FLIES! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD GROANS! LOUD BOOS!) SHATTERED HORIIIIIIZON! SWANTAHHHHHHHHHN BOMMMMMMMMMMMB! OHMYGAHD! OH MY FREAKING GOD! Mayfield leapt out of the way, he didn’t count the three! Joe leapt out of the way, so Steve Knox might be FREAKING DEAD!”

H’WOOD: “He’s certainly looking like something dead may crawl out of him at any moment too…”

O’CONNOR: “Mayfield’s nervously smoking, Hornet’s limping into the ring – WHOA! (LOUD POP!) FELIX WITH A KIPUP! (CROWD ROARS!) FELIX KICK! He caught Hornet right in the face and the legend falls down and almost out of the ring! Felix jumps onto Knox and covers! ONE! WHOA! (crowd roars!) Joe pulls Eddie away and grabs Felix by the dreads! LOOK OUT! (CROWD ROARS!) Joe tried to toss Felix out of the ring, but he didn’t see the former World Champion hang on! Felix is skinning the cat, while Joe falls on top of Knox! ONNNNNNNNNNNE! TWOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) Felix pulls Eddie out of the way, I don’t think the President likes this!”

H’WOOD: “I think he’s just afraid someone’s going to steal his Italian leather…”

O’CONNOR: “Joe on his feet and he’s in Felix’s grill…OH! Quick kneestrike by Felix! He caught Joe right in the gut and another quick kneelift! Joe on the mat, hold up! Stevens back in the ring! Felix better turn around… (LOUD GROANS!) OH! Vicious Roaring Elbow to the back of the head, Felix off the ropes…his back to Stevens again and OHNO! (LOUD ROARS!) Stevens tried to toss Felix out of the ring and he’s skinning the cat again, but Stevens is waiting for him! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) Stevens hits a running kneestrike sending Felix flying and into the guardrail!”

H’WOOD: “That’s important to show that Stevens is the only one using his ring smarts right now, ‘cause someone needs to pull this out already and I don’t think any of them have anything left in the tank!”

O’CONNOR: “Steve Knox looks like dead weight in Joe’s hands…OH NO! (LOUD SMACK! CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS FIRED THE X-FACTOR SUPERKICK! JOE MOVED! …KNOX DIDN’T!”

H’WOOD: “But he so AWESOMELY collapsed OUTSIDE the ring, which doesn’t help my President or my pick to win this match!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet can BARELY stand…Felix is trying to get up. Knox…seriously, he could be dead. In the ring, this may be what EVERYONE wanted to see right now… (crowd getting LOUD! STOMPS! CLAPS!) Stevens and Joe the Plumber are standing across the ring from each other, bloody…battered…and 94 minutes into what is more than ANYONE could have asked for in this dream supermatch. (LOUD ROARS!) JOE CHARGES! (groans!) Stevens moves out of the way, Joe puts on the brakes before hitting that ladder! (CRACK!) But Stevens helps him by smacking his head into hit! Joe teetering, Stevens grabs him by the head! (GROANS!) REVERSE NECKBREAKER! Stevens with a quick cover! ONE! TWO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) THRNO! (BOOS!) C’MON, THAT COUNT WAS FAST!”

H’WOOD: “It looked perfectly in line with his other counts!”

O’CONNOR: “I didn’t see a cigarette break taking place…”

H’WOOD: “He’s still smoking!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens yelling in frustration, but making sure to nod at the Presidential Referee for the…completely normal pinfall count according to my analyst over here. Stevens has Joe by the hair…he’s got Joe reeling into a standing headscissors, I think he’s going for the Tiger Driver! He’s going for JOE’S move! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) JOE’S TRYING TO FIGHT IT! (LOUD ROARS!) HE’S GOT STEVENS UP, BUT STEVENS HAS HIS ARMS! (CROWD SCREAMS!) STEVENS HAS JOE IN A SUNSET FLIP! ONE! TWO! (SCREAMS!) NOOOOOOO! JOE KICKS OUT! Both men scrambling up and Triple-X with an inside cradle! ONE! TWO! REVERSED! ONE! …C’MON! TWOOOOO! …NO! REVERSED! ONE! TWO! KICKOUT!”

H’WOOD: “Can we award this match on points? I wanted to go to bed before next year…”

O’CONNOR: “Both men up and Joe with his own sunset flip! (LOUD BOOS!) C’mon Eddie, you can catch your breath later! (BOOS!) Stevens already kicks out before Eddie’s even in shape to count, he’s puffing that cigarette like its an asthma inhaler!”

H’WOOD: “Don’t judge the President, Beanfry…he knows his body, he knows what clears thoses airways…”

O’CONNOR: “Both men are up and Stevens swings a wild right! Joe ducks! JOE’S GOING FOR A BACKSLIDE! (LOUD BOOS! JOE SCREAMS!) EDDIE PUT HIS CIGARETTE OUT ON JOE’S HEAD! (LOUD ROARS!) THAT ONLY HELPED JOE! HE’S SCREAMING LIKE A WILD MAN! (CROWD CHEERS!) He’s got Stevens over! ONNNNNNE! …COME ON! TWOOOOOOO! No! (BOOS!) He’s not counting as fast, not by a longshot! Stevens kicks out and Joe’s stomping around frustrated as all hell and I can’t blame him… (CROWD: “BULLLLLLLLSHIT!” repeat) Joe points at Eddie and makes a cutthroat motion! (CROWD ROARS!) Stevens is already up and walks right into a boot by Joe! Joe’s hooking him around the head…”

(CLOSEUP: JOE screaming “LET’S BUST A BRAIN LIKE I BUST BONNIE MAYFIELD’S INNER TUBING WITH MY UGHHHHHHHN! MONKEY WRENCH!”)

O’CONNOR: “Joe’s got Stevens up, I think it could be a for a Brainb—WHAT THE HELL? (CROWD SCREAMS!) What an athletic move by Stevens! He spinned out and landed behind Joe in a Reverse DDT…WAIT! He’s got Joe UP…AND OVERRRRRRRR! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) X-TERMINATORRRRRRRRR! THE OSAKA STREET CUTTER STRIKES JOE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!”

(TRI-SCREEN ACTION! HORNET shakily climbing the turnbuckles on one side, FELIX RED woozily climbing the other turnbuckles and SEAN STEVENS slowly crawling towards JTP!)

O’CONNOR: “THIS IS OUT OF CONTROL!”

H’WOOD: “I don’t like what’s setting up one bit!”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens has covered Joe! He’s slamming his hand on the mat, but Eddie’s fixated on Hornet and Felix climbing the ropes! (LOUD BOOS!) He’s shaking the ropes! (LOUD GROANS!) OH! HORNET SPREADEAGLES! Felix holding on for dear life, but still alright! Stevens yelling for a pin! Eddie drops in! ONE! TWOOOOOOOOOO! FELIX IS IN THE AIR! (LOUD CRASH! LOUD BOOS!) EDDIE MOVED THEM! EDDIE MOVED THEM! Felix went for the SWANTON BOMB SHATTERED HORIZON…and Eddie lunged into Stevens and Joe, rolling them out of the area! FELIX IS OUT!”

H’WOOD: “Easy, Sean…Easy…”

O’CONNOR: “Now, Stevens is arguing with Eddie and slapping his hands three times instead of recovering Joe! Now…he does! WILL THIS BE IT!?”

H’WOOD: “Oh boy…I hope so NOW.”

O’CONNOR: (over LOUD ROARS!) “I don’t think Eddie liked what Sean just had to say to him about his arithmetic. He’s lighting up a cigarette before counting and points at Sean. ONE! TWOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEENO! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) NOOOOOOOOOOOO! THEY TOOK TOO LONG! STEVENS AND MAYFIELD LET JOE STAY IN THE GAME! THEY LET EVERYONE STAY IN!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD already on his feet, eyes wide open and in shock. STEVENS looks at the PRESIDENT incredulously, then down at JOE…)

O’CONNOR: “Stevens on his feet and he blasts Felix with a kick to the head knocking him out of the ring, where Steve Knox is just regaining consciousness possibly…in the ring, Sean Stevens… (crowd gets loud!) He’s got that ladder! LOOK OUT! (CRACK! CROWD BOOS!) HE JUST SLAMMED IT ON JOE! Stevens is on the apron and climbing the top rope now… (crowd gets loud!) Stevens going all the way up!”

H’WOOD: “I’m nervous, Beansprouts…something doesn’t seem right!”

O’CONNOR: (over SCREAMS!) “STEVENS IN THE AIRRRRRRRR! (LOUD CRACK! LOUD GROANS!) OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHD! DOUBLE PUMP FROG SPLASH! STEVENS KILLED JOE! I THINK HE KILLED HIM!”

H’WOOD: “I…I think he killed himself…”

O’CONNOR: “Stevens is rolling around the ring in agony…the ladder’s dented and covering an unconscious World Champion! Mayfield’s even trying to help Stevens over to Joe! (CROWD GETS LOUD!) MAYFIELD HAS HIM ON THE LADDER AND JOE!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD dusting off his hands after placing TRIPLE X on top of JTP, while STEVENS coughs violently and shakes spastically. JTP’s foot twitches a couple times, nothingmore. MAYFIELD takes a long, satisfied drag on his cigarette and drops down to count…)

H’WOOD: “The end is NIGH on Joe the Plumber and the cult, drugged out and criminal fans of New Frontier! I couldn’t be more happy to see this man do it!”

O’CONNOR: “Uh…I wouldn’t say that just yet, Woodman!”

H’WOOD: “What now!?”

(CUTTO: HORNET trying to steady himself on the top rope that he just crushed his nuts on. His injured leg keeps nearly buckling as he can’t find a balance… CROWD: “DON’T DIE PAUL! DON’T DIE PAUL!”)

H’WOOD: “Oh no.”

O’CONNOR: “ONNNNNNNNNE!! HORNET NEEDS TO GET GOING!”

(CUTTO: HORNET lets go of the corner ropes, standing up straight and closing his eyes. He takes a deep inhale, making a sign to the Lord…and then opening his eyes with a smile…”YIPEE-KAY-AY…” We all know the rest.)

H’WOOD: “Oh no, oh no…”

O’CONNOR: (w/ crowd!) “TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (LOUD ROARS!) HORNET’S IN THE AIRRRRRRRRRRRR! (H’WOOD: “OH. NO.” CRASH! CROWD EXPLOSION!) SHOOTING STAR PRESSSSSSS! NO F’N WAY! OHMYGAHHHHHHHHHHHD! HORNET CRUSHED STEVENS…THE LADDER…AND THE CHAMP!”

H’WOOD: “This is cruel…this is madness…”

(CUTTO: PRESIDENT MAYFIELD, his hand still raised to come down a THIRD and FINAL time…the Camel hanging off his bottom lip. MAYFIELD gazes blankly in shock, while HORNET pulls STEVENS off of the ladder…and then picks up the ladder.)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet’s got the ladder and (groans!) He just threw it out of the ring on Knox…that’s just a cherry on top of the cupcake.”

H’WOOD: “This…is insanity…”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet…limping towards Eddie Mayfield who’s now on his feet.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET using the ropes for balance, his face bloody…he leans down and picks up the halo razorwire that used to be on JOE’s head. HORNET: “I don’t want there to be trouble, Mr. President.” MAYFIELD gulps, but then watches HORNET toss the wire onto the champ…who’s completely motionless.)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet falling to his knees…and… (CROWD GETS LOUD!) HE’S COVERING TRIPLE X! SEAN STEVENS MAY AS WELL BE DEAD! HORNET COVERS! ONNNNNNE! (w/ CROWD!) TWOOOOOOOOOO! THRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! HORNET WINS! HORNET WI—WAIT NO! NOOOOOO! NO! (LOUD SCREAMS!) STEVENS GOT A SHOULDER UP! (LOUD GROANS!) …and…and I’ll give it to him…that was a LEGIT count by the President!”

H’WOOD: “I can’t take this Beanfry, I’m gonna puke…I’m gonna cry, I’m gonna call Paul Tonelli and talk about the days when this insanity would get us deported to Thailand in exchange for a twelve pack of Coors and circus monkeys!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet CAN’T believe it himself! He’s STARING HOLES at Mayfield, who’s only shrugging in complete…and all-too obvious happy surprise. Hornet…(crowd gets loud!) He’s rolling Stevens out of the ring from his knees…shaking his head in disbelief. (CROWD GETTING LOUDER!) That’s leaving him ALONE with JOE. You can’t…I can’t…Hornet’s standing up slowly and limping towards the unconscious champion.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET stalking towards JOE, PRESIDENT MAYFIELD following and his cigarette quivering on his lips…HORNET leans down and lifts up both of JOE’S legs in his hands…the crowd starts roaring, the scene playing out as they always dreamed! HORNET looks up to the lights and then around at the crowd and starts nodding with a wry grin.)

O’CONNOR: “THE SCORPION DEATHLOCK! Hornet’s going for the Scorpion!”

H’WOOD: “Well, don’t just stand there…get it over with! At least you’re the lesser of two evils, you middle-aged freak of pillpopping greatness!”

O’CONNOR: “Hornet stepping through with his leg!”

H’WOOD: (over LOUD CHEERS!) “NONONONONONO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

O’CONNOR: “WHAT THE!? (CROWD ROARS!) JOE’S GOT HORNET’S LEG! JOE’S ALIVE! HE’S ALIIIIIIIVE! HORNET BUCKLES! HORNET’S DOWN! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) WAIT! YESSSSSSSSSSSS! THE LOCKJAWWWWWWW! JOE’S ANKLE LOCK! HE’S GOT HIS LEGS WRAPPED AROUND HORNET’S TORSO… HORNET’S CINCHED IN! …there’s no way to go, except ACROSS the ring.”

H’WOOD: “Just…just don’t tap! Someone’s still alive…RIGHT!?”

CROWD: “TAP! TAP! TAP!”

H’WOOD: “Hornet’s always caved towards the fans, he’s gonna listen to them!”

O’CONNOR: “He’s trying not to and Eddie Mayfield’s looking outside the ring where Felix Red, Steve Knox and Sean Stevens…they’re all still down.”

(CLOSEUP: HORNET screaming violently! PRESIDENT MAYFIELD kneeling with him and grabbing his hands… MAYFIELD: “You can do this soldier! I won’t let you tap…someone will save you! As your President, I promise that…”)

O’CONNOR: “Hornet swinging at the President, now clutching and clawing at himself in pain! Can Hornet hold on…can he…(LOUD ROARS!) JOE’S BITING! HE’S BITING HORNET! OH MY GOD! …wait…are you SERIOUS!? (”JOE! JOE! JOE!”) HE’S GOT THE RAZORWIRE IN HIS MOUTH AND BITES BACK INTO HORNET!”

H’WOOD: “Yup…I’m back to the puking stage.”

O’CONNOR: “I’ve never seen Hornet in this much pain! Sean Stevens dug the hole… (LOUD SCREAMS!) And I think Joe might cover the grave! HORNET MIGHT HAVE PASSED OUT! HE MIGHT HAVE PASSED OUT! (CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!” repeat) Mayfield doesn’t know what to do, he saw Hornet’s head just lull forward and bounce off the mat…there was only so much he could take in this hold! Joe’s still biting and knawing, twisting and torquing that ravaged, cracked and shredded ankle and leg of Hornet…”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD defeatedly falling to his knees and picking up HORNET’s arm in the air one time…IT DROPS. The crowd ROARS in response! MAYFIELD’s lips start quivering…)

O’CONNOR: “I don’t believe what we’re watching…”

H’WOOD: “I don’t believe any of this, it’s just a bad dream…”

O’CONNOR: “President Mayfield raises Hornet’s arm a second time… (the crowd vacuums into silence, waiting…) YESSSSSSSSS! (CROWD ROARS!) IT DROPS! IT’S DROPPED TWICE! Wait, WHOA! Eddie’s on his feet!”

(CUTTO: MAYFIELD on his feet, pacing around the ring and possibly making a deal with Buddha, Christ, John Smith and Ali Baba to keep the match going. He drops down to HORNET again, slowly picking up his arm…the crowd starts SCREAMING!)

O’CONNOR: “COME ON, DO IT EDDIE! DO IT!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD closing his eyes and dropping the arm.)

O’CONNOR: “WILL IT DROP?!?! (LOUD CROWD EXPLOSION!) YESSSSSSSSSSSS! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! RING THE BELL! RING THE BELL!”

(CLOSEUP: MAYFIELD opening with one eye, HORNET’S hand splayed on the mat. EDDIE starts clenching his fists and slitting his eyes, trying to push down the anger…he bows his head…)

O’CONNOR: “RING THE BELL! RING THE FREAKING BELL!”

H’WOOD: “Don’t do it, Eddie! THE EXECUTIVE OFFICE MUST STRIKE BACK!”

(SFX: BELL RINGING! CROWD EXPLOSION! CUEUP: Those damn, dirty dogs barking!)

CROWD: “JOE! JOE! JOE!”

O’CONNOR: “YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IT’S OVAHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT A MATCH! HOLY MARYMOTHEROFMERCY! JOE THE PLUMBAH! HE’S DONE IT! HE’S RETAINED! THIS IS HISTORY! I DON’T BELIEVE IT!”

SIMS (V/O): “At 101 minutes, the winner by submission and STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! (CROWD EXPLOSION!) ENN-EFF-DOUBLE YOUUUUUUUUU CHAMPION OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRRRLD! JOE! THE! PLUMMMMMMBERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!”

O’CONNOR: “Joe the Plumber is NFW World Heavyweight Champion and PRESIDENT EDDIE MAYFIELD…HAHA! HE HAS NO CHOICE! He can only watch his hands…present JOE THE PLUMBER with the NFW World Championship…ONE! MORE! TIME!”

H’WOOD: “Alright Beanfry! We get it! SHUT! THE! HELL! UP!”

(CUTTO: Officials handing MAYFIELD the NFW World Championship, while the PRESIDENT angrily puffs on a newly lit Camel, while O.D.B. blasts on the arena speakers… All the wrestlers are still lying on the ground…)

O’CONNOR: “What a scene. What a night. What an end…”

March 3, 2010

February Month End Awards

Manager of the Month: Murray Monroe, Defiance
-Monroe led Joe Drago to a big win at Dream Wrestling’s WfWA Inter-fed match and followed it up with a DQ victory over WfWA World Champion Cobra later in the month.

Other Notables:
-Tina Davis, Shootfire Pro Wrestling- manages SPW Women’s Champion Heather Owens

-Jill-Berg, Political Championship Wrestling- manages Yamamoto Tanaka

-Katsidy, Sin City Championship Wrestling- manages ‘The River Rat’ Lane Stevens

——————–

Heel of the Month: Victor Hades, Action Packed Wrestling
-Hades can only be called- evil.  What’s done to poor Jesse Nunez over the past few months is heinous but yet Hades also holds one of the lessor APW titles as well.

Other Notables:
-Trey Vincent, All-Star Championship Wrestling- for putting a bounty out on Alias and the ACW title

-James Varga, Sin City Championship Wrestling- slowly cobbling together a nefarious plan to dominate SCCW.

-August Monday, Sin City Championship Wrestling- swerve of the year so far.  August joined up with Xavier Kannon and Lane Stevens against Aimz, Desade, and Jared Sykes.

——————

Face of the Month: Alias, All-Star Championship Wrestling
-Alias has Trey Vincent nipping at his heels and an ever increasing bounty on his head- also courtesy of TV.  Alias just keeps on chugging along and now is lined up for a huge match against the #2 ranked wrestler in the world- Shawn Jessica Hart.

Other Notables:
-Scarlett Willis, Simcoe County- Simcoe County’s champion trying to fight off Lauri Verne, Justin Rose, and Aaron Blaize and finally has an ally in Chris Champion.

-Jared Sykes, Sin City Championship Wrestling- a huge part of the big storyline involving Stevens, Monday, Kannon, Aimz,  and Desade.

———————

Character of the Month: Spacely, Sin City Championship Wrestling
-came out for a match against August and April Monday wearing April’s panties on his head.  Nuff said.

———————

Angle of the Month: Sin City Championship Wrestling- battle between Xavior Kannon, Lane Stevens, and Auggie Monday vs. Aimz, Desade, and Sykes.

Other Notables:
-High Octane Wrestling: Mario Maurako-Bobbinette Carey angle.  Carey has amnesia and Maurako, innovator of the ‘whack-a-meter’  somehow convinced her to marry him.

-All-Star Championship Wrestling: the four man battle at the top for the ACW title between Keith Scott Zimmerman, Alias, Trey Vincent, and Shawn Jessica Hart.

-Simcoe County: Simcoe County Champion Scarlett Willis versus the world…or in this case, Lauri Verne, Aaron Blaize, and Justin Rose.

———————

Show of the Month: Global Division of Wrestling’s Civil War PPV
-featured Glory Braddock/Angela Jameson grudge match that saw Braddock regain the GDW World Title.  Also continued the ongoing Suffrage angle for control of GDW.

Other Notables:
-no brand Wrestling’s Ghost PPV- featuring the Saunders/Voss 59:59 classic.

-New Era Destructivity II- feature Chaos v Doe hardcore classic

-Wrestling Midwest’s Graveyard Shift 111- featuring the WfWA World Tag Team title match between WMW’s Hardcore Icons and Defiance’s Team Danger.

-Sin City Championship Wrestling’s Temptation Edmonton

——————-

Match of the Month: nbW Keystone Title Match- Spike Saunders vs. J. Leslie Voss
-Saunders and Voss throw haymakers back and forth for 59 minutes and 59 seconds of a 60 minute match before Saunders pulls off the victory at the absolute last possible millisecond.

Other Matches of Note:
-WfWA World Tag Team Title Match: WMW’s Hardcore Icons(Valora/Umbrage) vs. Defiance’s Team Danger(Greer/Lightning)

-GDW Triple Threat Match- Raine vs. Michaels vs. L. Wolfe- GDW Civil War PPV

-Vox Nihili vs.The Heirs of Wrestling for the ACW Tag Team Title

-Chaos vs. John Doe- New Era Destructivity II

————————-

Wrestler of the Month: Desade- Sin City Championship Wrestling
-winner of the GTT7 Tournament by defeating Garbage Bag Johnny and ‘Violence Jack in the finals.  Also part of one of the best ongoing angles in wrestling right now.

Other Notable Wrestlers:
-Samanatha Raine, Global Division of Wrestling- won the huge Civil War match at GDW’s Civil War PPV.

-Valora Salinas, Wrestling Midwest- picked up the WfWA Tag Team Title (with Umbrage) to go along with her WMW Great Lakes Title.

-Talon, Dream Wrestling Federation- moved to DWF from Hostility and won the DWF World Title.

WWR Rankings

Singles Top 30
LEVEL ONE REGAINS #1 SPOT FROM HART.  PHOENIX WRESTLING REVOLUTION’S HAWK HENSHAW REJOINS TOP 30

30. 20.1 Victor Hades- Action Packed Wrestling
-APW’s top heel, early contender for heel of the year, cracks the top 30 for the virst time.
29. 20.2 Cobra- Defiance  WfWA
-DQ loss to Joe Drago drops Cobra 8 places down from #21
28. 21.1 Joshua Curtis- Dangerous Championship Wrestling League
-Curtis won DCWL’s Dangerous title at DCWL 12 last week and debuts at #28
26. 21.2 Lane Stevens- Sin City Championship Wrestling
-The River Rat and SCCW champion drops 9 spots to #26 this week.
26. 21.2 Slickie T- World Championship Federation
-Slickie T also tumbles 9 spots this week.
24. 22.1 Robb McBride- Phoenix Wrestling Revolution
-McBride won big at PWR’s Supershow 4, successfully defending his Revolution X title over Chris Chaos and debuts at #24 this week.
24. 22.1 Scarlett Willis- Simcoe County
-The Simcoe County Champion pops back into the Top 30 this week at #24.
22. 22.2 Mr. Fantastic- Viking Wrestling Federation
-Riding wins in the CWC Asension Tournament to move up one spot this week.
22. 22.2 Tyrone Kidd- Universal Wrestling Federation
-UWF Champion debuts in Top 30 at #22
21. 23.1 Muru- Dream Wrestling Federation
-Dream TV Champion loses one spot to #21.
17. 23.2 El Gallego(Hawk Henshaw)- PWR
-After an extended absence, Henshaw blasts back onto the top 30 with two wins at PWR Supershow 4, the biggest being the title win over William.  Debuts at #17.
17. 23.2 Glory Braddock- Global Division of Wrestling
-Braddock won the GDW World Title at Civil War PPV and debuts at #17.
17. 23.2 ‘Triple X’ Sean Stevens- Empire Pro Wrestling
-Stevens holds steady at #17
17. 23.2 Viper- Xtreme World Wrestling
-Viper rides a couple wins to jump back into the top 30 at #17
15. 24.2 Joe the Plumber- New Frontier Wrestling
-Crash 50, where are you?
15. 24.2 Keith Scott Zimmerman – All-Star Championship Wrestling
-KSZ in ACW title mix but drops 2 places from #13.
14. 26.1 Zoey Swan- UWF
-Swan gained a point but lost 3 places.  Go figure.
13. 27.2 Hell- Pure Wrestling
-The Pure Wrestling Champion falls out of top 10 this week.
12. 28.0 Chester Addison- High Impact Wrestling
-Lost HIW title to Katherine Stryfe and drops out of top 10.
11. 29.0 Hecate- Wrestling Midwest
-Successful title defense helps Hecate hold her position at #11.
10. 31.0 Myke Adams- Simcoe County
-Adams slingshots back into top 10 with a pair of wins.
9. 32.1 Johnny Styles- HIW
-The second of three HIW wrestlers in the top 15 inches up one spot from #10.
8. 36.2 Bryan Payne- Sin City Wrestling
-Payne slides down two spots from #6.
7. 37.2 Katherine Stryfe- HIW
-Stryfe won the HIW title from Chester Addison and jumps up 8 places from #15.
6. 38.2 Jim Rooster- Genesis Pro
-Genesis Pro Champion Rooster simply keeps winning.  Two more victories move him up two spots to #6.
4. 44.2 Alias – ACW   FWO
-Trey Vincent keeps upping the ante on the bounty on Alias.  All Alias does is keep winning matches.  However, huge showdown with Shawn Jessica Hart could turn top 5 upside down.  It will also mark the first time that two wrestlers in the top 5 singles meet.
4. 44.2 Valora Salinas- WMW
-What else can you say about Wrestling Midwest’s Queen of Extreme?  She added (with Umbrage) the WfWA World Tag Team title to her WMW Great Lakes belt.
3. 46.1 Alexia- VWF
-And speaking of consistant, Alexia remains steady at #3 yet again.
2. 51.2 Shawn Jessica Hart – LoC  EPW  New Era  ACW
-Hart vs. Alias at ACW.  Clash of the Titans.
1. 54.2 Level One- APW
-Back on top after a two week hiatus.  However, will his recent signing with TFWF change things?

Wrestlers to keep an eye on:
Brandon Youngblood- PRIME   PTC*
Devin Dice- cWo **
Jamie Lockheart- VWA **
Jason Snow- PRIME *
Desade (Alexandria Pierce)- SCCW
Erick Kennylz- VWA *
Mac Bane- UCWA *
Hector Rodriguez- WCF **
Valerie (Lamb) Belmont- SCW **  PWX **
Impulse- Just Wrestling  NFW   NLW
Taurus Black- PrYde *
Barry Baldwin- Shootfire **
Erik Black- New Era **  EPW

Tag Team Top 15
EPW’S ANTHOLOGY CLEAR #1.  PCW’S ESCONDIDO/SCOTT MOVE UP TO #2

15. 10.2 Dream Warriors(Dark Ninja/Psycho)- no brand Wrestling
-win at nbW Ghosts PPV propels the Dream Warriors into the Top 15
15. 10.2 Gamblers Anonymous(Jacques Boyette/James Weston)- PrYde
-PrYde’s tag team champions, hanging very close to breaking into the Top 15, finally eek in this week.
13. 11.0 Beau Michaels/Castor V. Strife- A1 Entertainment
-One of the more unusual tag teams you’ll see debuts this week at #13.
13. 11.0 The Royal Family(Jimmy Dean/Chad Evans)- World Championshop Federation
-The Royal Family were royally crushed when the Big Time Jerks reclaimed the tag team belts.  #4 two weeks ago; now #13.
12. 11.2 Hardcore Icons(Valora Salinas/Umbrage)- Wrestling Midwest   WfWA
-Valora, already a presence on the single’s side, breaks back into the tag team rankings after the Hardcore Icons won the WfWA World Title from Team Danger.
11. 13.0 Heirs of Wrestling(Ryan Gallway & Frank Pierce)- Empire Pro Wrestling
-The Heirs move over to EPW after losing the ACW Tag Team titles.
9. 14.0 Team Danger(Stephen Greer/Johnny Lightning)- Defiance
-Team Danger takes 6 position drop after loss to the Hardcore Icons at Wrestling Midwest’s GS 110.
9. 14.0 The Foreshadowing(Tom Sawyer/Lucas Harper)- Defiance
-Sawyer and Harper pick up another win last week on Defiance TV and move up 4 spots to #9.
7. 14.2 The Playboy Club(Joey Michaels/Jake Storm)- Global Division of Wrestling
-Michaels and Storm debut at #7 after winning the GDW tag team belts at Civil War.
7. 14.2 Shane Lawson/Erick Kennylz- Volatile Wrestling Alliance
-Lawson and Kennylz won the VWA Tag Team belts over the weekend and debut at #7 this week.
6. 15.2 Big Time Jerks(Adam Young/Austin Adams)- WCF
-They’re baaaaack.  The Big Time Jerks regain the WCF Tag Team belts from the Royal Family and jump back into the top 15 at #6.
5. 16.0 Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfenden)- All-Star Championship Wrestling
-Well?  If you read the tea leaves at ACW, it appears Vox Nihili’s run there is coming to a close.  K-Wolf hasn’t signed a contract.  Alias lost the tag team belts to an up and coming tag team Pop Culture Phenoms.
4. 16.2 The Grady Bunch(Terry Spruhen/Jared Borchard)-Dream Wrestling Federation
-The Gradys rebound three spots to #4 this week.
3. 17.2 Jeremiah & Valerie (Lamb) Belmont- Sin City Wrestling, Pro Wrestling X
-The Belmonts took a tough 3-way tag loss a couple weeks ago but still move up two spots to #3.
2. 19.2 ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido/’American Citizen’ Kevin Scott- Political Championship Wrestling
-Escondido and Scott have held the PCW Tag Team belts since July 29th of last year.  Big title defense this weekend at PCW Weapons of Mass Political Destruction PPV show.
1. 27.2 The Anthology(Jared Wells & Copycat)- EPW
-Exit Larry Tact; enter Copycat.  Anthology doesn’t miss a beat.

Teams to keep an eye on:
For the Win(Tony Spark/Chris Noid)- nbW
Pop Culture Phenoms(Ed/Klein)- ACW *
Jack N’ Hoff- New Era *
Damage Inc.(Dante/Jared Baker)- MWA *
Changes in Spades(Nitz Donnelly/Vance Raymes)- PRIME *
Steve Studnuts/Zeleos- XWW *
Age of Chaos(Torment/Haven)- A1E *
Bloodthorn(Blood Red/Sajir Thorn)- NYWA *
Paragons of Wrestling(Connor McCloud/Hollywood Helton)- VWA
Irish Pride Gang(Thaddeus and Desmond Rains)- WWG *
The Confessor/Rage- XWF

Women’s Top 25
1. 30.0 Valora Salinas- Wrestling Midwest
2. 28.0 Alexia- Viking Wrestling Federation
3. 25.0 Zoey Swan- Universal Wrestling Federation
4. 24.0 Cecile LeCrux- Free Agent
4. 24.0 Katherine Stryfe- High Impact Wrestling
6. 23.0 Hecate- WMW
7. 21.2 Evette- Championship Wrestling Organization
7. 21.2 Miss USA- Missouri Valley Wrestling
9. 21.0 Desade- Sin City Championship Wrestling
9. 21.0 Valerie Belmont- Sin City Wrestling, Pro Wrestling X
11. 20.2 Heather Owens- Shootfire
12. 19.1 Lisa Richardson- Ring of Beauty
13. 19.0 Georgie Nickles- Phoenix Wrestling Revolution, SCW
14. 18.2 Sierra Browne- Dangerous Championship Wrestling League
14. 18.2 Allison Cooper- Xtreme World Wrestling
16. 18.0 Scarlett Willis- Simcoe County
17. 17.0 Samantha Raine- Global Division of Wrestling
18. 16.2 Alexis Steele- SCW
18. 16.2 Syn Skylar- Volatile Wrestling Alliance
20. 16.0 Kirsta Lewis- High Octane Wrestling, Championship Wrestling Alliance
21. 15.1 Bobbi Jackson- ROB
21. 15.1 Erica Toughill- Shootfire
23. 15.0 Jade- WMW
24. 14.1 Crystal Hilton- ROB
25. 14.0 Glory Braddock- GDW, Motor City Wrestling
25. 14.0 Ashley Riot- ROB

February 28, 2010

Match of the Week: Saunders/Voss for the nbW Keystone Title


Spike Saunders Versus J. Leslie Voss (c)
Religious Rasslin’ Championship Match
NO DQ. Street Fight. 60 Minutes.

(Click to Watch SAUNDERS INTRO)

(Click to Watch JLV INTRO)

J. Leslie Voss handed over his Religious Rasslin’ Championship belt, otherwise known as the nbW Keystone Championship, to referee Mike Edson, who came to relieve Chuck Radford at long last.  He folded the straps in behind the plate and held it in the air for everyone to see.  Voss’ eyes remained on the title that was raised high above the referee and then dropped them down to look at Spike Saunders.  Mentally preparing himself not only for a fight with this giant… but for a war.  Whatever they could lay their hands on was legal.  Whatever they wanted to do to the other they could.  They had sixty minutes to pin the other and war would wage as soon as the bell tolled.

The referee leant through the ropes and handed the belt across to a member of the ring crew who then transferred the title belt to the time keeper’s table.  Voss watched the actions transpire and returned his gaze once more to the behemoth.  Edson called them into the middle of the ring and spoke the instructions.

“There are no rules to this contest.  You can only win by pinfall or submission.  Rope breaks apply but outside of the ring there is no saviour.  If I think someone’s life is endangered I will call it off and declare the other the winner.  Do I make myself clear?”

Voss snarled.  “Crystal.”

Saunders nodded.  He understood fully well.  He also understood that one should never underestimate someone like J. Leslie Voss who was cunning and conniving and sly all at once.  He was a big guy, too.  He knew Voss would fight dirty and do whatever it took to try and stay on the upper hand of the Religious Rasslin’ Experience.

JLV eyeballed Saunders one last time as he prepared for the bell to toll.  The monster before him could tear him limb from limb.  When he first arrived here in No Brand Wrestling, he thought the Double Dragon to be a pussy.  A nothing.  Now… that’s cowardice seemed to have left Saunders and a confident seven foot monster stood before him.  Ready to do whatever it took to not only kick Voss’ ass on pay-per-view… but to take his Championship belt, too.

*DING!* *DING!* *DING!*

The fans roared loudly as Voss and Saunders began to circle one another, keeping their eyes locked like to bulls ready to charge one another at will.  Voss seemed to have shrugged off his cowardice, perhaps with the thought that there was no escape from Saunders.  It was, after all, his idea to have a “Fans Bring the Weapons” match.  Falls count anywhere.  No rules.  No DQ.  Just two men trying to find the bigger dog in the pack.

Saunders charged at Voss, hands ready to grab him and the fans echoed the attempt with a cheer.  Though it was only that.  An attempt.  Voss side-stepped and leaned on the ropes, lifting his feet off the ground and bashed the side of Saunders’ face with the soles of his boots.  The Double Dragon staggered backwards into the referee and dropped to the canvas like the proverbial sack o’ shit.  Voss landed on his feet with rare cat-like precision.  Took a few scurrying steps forward and booted Spike in the ribs.

The momentum lifted Saunders off the ground and the fans booed as Voss took steps back to get some leverage for another boot to the guts.  The second struck harder than the first.  Voss seemed to be finding his action.  Spike wailed on contact and fell to his back, clutching his ribs in agony.

When opportunity knocks, the VossMan cometh.  He began to stomp a mud hole on Spike’s sternum to a chorus of boos.  The Human Ratings Riot continued, despite the disapproval of the fans.  Enjoying the freedom of no referee to interfere.  JLV could do this all night.  At least, until Spike’s ribs caved in.  And that was the plan.

Stomp after stomp, Voss was unrelenting.  Spike tried to cover them but JLV seemed to have mastered random spots to stomp on Spike’s chest.  Even going so far as to stomp his belly occasionally, just to throw off the behemoth.  Spike tried to put his forearms in harm’s way but Voss was kind enough to stomp those also.

Soon enough, Voss was out of breath and had to stop to catch it.  Seeing that there was opportunity for Saunders to get out of jail free, Voss grabbed him by the ankles and split his legs, driving a knee straight into Spike’s crotch.

Every male in the vicinity of the match groaned in empathy for the Double Dragon as he hollered loudly on the impact of kneecap to ball region.  He sat up to clutch them, which was a mistake all in itself.  An ugly dropkick saw the boots of JLV hit Saunders on the chin and the Big, Bad VossMan dropped down on top of Saunders for the first cover of their encounter.

ONE!

TWO!

THREEEEEE!

NOOOOOO~!

The fans drew breath again.  Some dropped to their knees in shock that Voss had come so close but Spike found something within himself to drive one fist to the heavens and get a shoulder up.  Voss cursed the referee and grabbed him by the shirt, displaying three rude fingers millimetres from his eyes.

Turning his attention back to the fallen Double Dragon, Voss heaved him to his feet and shoved him into the corner.  He climbed up onto the top rope, with a handful of Spike’s hair to keep him balanced.  He raised one hand high above his head into the formation of a fist and the ten-punch began.  Yet the fans would not assist with the counting.  Not for Voss.

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10!

Voss stopped on the tenth to a chorus of boos.  He held his punching hand out as if to say “HERE I AM!  HERE’S YOUR CHAMPION!”  The thought of climbing down crossed the Ayatollah of Ass-ah-hollah but the idea of bringing more pain to Spike Saunders seemed a better plan.

With all the grace of an elephant on GBH, Voss wrapped one arm around the head and neck of Spike Saunders and balanced awkwardly on the rope beside him.  He leapt forward, in the attempts to drive Spike’s face down hard into the canvas with an amazing bulldog.

BOOM!

Saunders was driven hard into the canvas as two hundred and ninety pounds of Voss-ness rode him down face first.  The bulldog echoed through the arena as JLV stopped a moment to berate the fans.

“CHEER HIM NOW YOU SEPID LITTLE FUCKS!  I CAN’T HEEEAAARRRR YOOOOOUUUUUU!”

Stomp.  Stomp.  Stomp.  Insult to injury?  Voss jarred some face crunching boots onto the back of Spike’s head before rolling him over onto his back.  He stood over the top of Spike Saunders with one leg either side of his head.

He grabbed at the elbow pad on his right arm and slowly pulled it down his forearm.  Then he tossed it into the crowd where surprisingly, two fans in Spike Saunders t-shirts fought over the souvenir.  He criss-crossed his arms and then dashed toward the ropes.

JLV bounded off one side and then leapt over Spike as he approached, enabling himself to bound off the other.  As he reached the fallen Spike once more he slowed down and then drove the point of his elbow right into the heart of Spike Saunders to a near pop followed by a raucous rally of heat.

PEOPLE’S ELBOW!

The Tsar of Tsensation scrambled over the top of Spike Saunders, hooking his leg and grabbing a great handful of tights.  The referee dropped down to the canvas and began to slap it as the arena drew deadly silent.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

NOOOOOO~! KICK OUT!

Voss slammed his hand into the canvas and shoved the referee.  Warning him that if he doesn’t count that third one out he’ll make sure he never counts one out again.  Saunders received a kick right up the ass for his troubles of kicking out and the fans?  They roared their tiny little hearts out as Voss knew it was time to kick things up a notch.

The Rajah of Ratings stepped to the outside of the ring and walked along the front row, looking for the weapon he wanted to use.  He passed a fan with a basketball.  Another with a kettle.  There was a guy who had a sack of coat hangers.  And then Voss saw what he wanted.  An ironing board.  Yet the fan was reluctant to give it up.  Voss yanked it out of his grasp and threatened him with a back hand.

Rounding the ring, to Spike’s head area, Voss shoved the ironing board under the bottom rope and rested the end of it on Spike’s forehead.  Half of the ironing board dangled over the edge of the apron and Voss climbed onto the apron, pointing at it and jumping up and down on the apron, like he were going to leap over the top rope and  onto it with both feet.  The fans began to grow excited, even if they hated Voss’ guts.

But the apron wasn’t good enough for J. Leslie Voss.  Oh no.  Instead, he climbed up the turnbuckle, to the top rope, looking down onto the ironing board which was half hanging over the apron and the other end of it resting on a near unconscious Spike Saunders’ forehead.  Voss nodded.  Then he rubbed his hands with delight.  Then he leapt and landed with both feet onto the middle of the ironing board.

On impact, the other end drove itself into Spike’s forehead and immediately the Double Dragon came back to life.  Wrapping his forearms over his forehead and tucking his legs up into his chest.  The fans couldn’t help but cheer, yet the cheers soon turned to boos.  As JLV picked up the ironing board and raised it high above his head, for all to see the new “U” shaped ironing board.  Then he brought it down again and again and again, into the side of Spike Saunders before tossing it over the top rope to the fans.

Voss grabbed a handful of Spike’s hair and heaved him to his feet.  Spike’s arms dropped and the crimson mask was displayed in all its glory.  Voss had drawn first blood.  And that very sight drew that shit-eating grin of JLV’s for everybody to see.

Voss pulled back his arm and then let it go with a monstrosity of force.  A knife-edged chop struck Saunders’ Adam’s Apple and he staggered backward into the corner.  Voss let go with a second chop.  And a third chop.  And a fourth chop until he was satisfied that Spike was going nowhere.

Making some space between them (stand on opposite sides of the ring) Voss prepared for the onslaught to continue.  And he charged at top speed, leaping into the air and crushing Saunders beneath a massive avalanche to the negativity of the fans.  Spike groaned beneath his bloody mask as Voss prepared for a second avalanche.

Lining up, ready, set, go!  Voss charged again and leapt but this time, Saunders burst out of the corner and drove Voss into the canvas with a massive spear tackle that almost left the Religious Rasslin’ Experience’s boots behind.  Voss’ head was driven hard into the canvas and Saunders rode him to the ground.  He clambered on board and began striking with lefts and rights, a flurry of punches nobody would envy being beneath.

Eventually, Saunders rose to his feet and wiped a mass of blood from his eyes, enabling his vision again.  He clutched the ropes to grasp at some potentially normal breathing again.  No sooner had he rested had JLV risen to his feet, displaying a small cut across the bridge of his nose, which was bleeding minorly.

Voss grunted and charged at Spike, leaping into the air with a high cross-body but amazingly, Saunders caught him in both arms.  He staggered around the ring, getting used to the weight of two hundred and ninety pounds in his grasp before backing up to the ropes.

FALL-AWAY SLAM OVER THE TOP ROPE!

The fans roared with delight as Voss’ body went launching over the top rope and crashed into the steel crowd barriers ringside.  He toppled to the concrete floor and looked lifeless on arrival.  The fans buzzed loudly as Saunders got to his feet.  The momentum of tossing two-ninety pounds over the top of one’s head was enough to bring the biggest of behemoths to the canvas.

Spike stepped over the top rope and stood on the apron, waiting to see if Voss would stir.  He didn’t appear to be much alive at all.  Spike dropped down to ringside and held his hand out for a fan to place a weapon in it.  One obeyed and when Spike looked what he was given he pinched his nose with his free hand.

Used kitty litter.

Complete with kitty tray.

Spike shrugged and put it beside Voss’ head, grabbed a handful of his hair and slammed his face into the kitty litter.  Rubbing his face into every nook and cranny he possibly could.  Voss pawed at Spike’s arm, trying to free himself from the stench and the chance of drowning in kitty litter.  Not a very rock and roll way to go out of this world.

Spike had tired of the kitty poo and heaved Voss to his feet.  He cringed when he saw the defecations which had adhered themselves to Voss’ face when he looked into the crowd and saw something that might relieve Voss of the mess.

A fire extinguisher.

Spike reached out and took it from the fan and detached the nozzle, aiming it at Voss’ face as he squinted through the cat shit.  His eyes widened when he realised what was in Spike’s grasp but there was nothing he could do about it.  Spike let Voss have it with a full burst of foam.  And once he had emptied the entire contents of the fire extinguisher into Voss’ face…

CLANG!

He tossed the extinguisher at him, nailing Voss right on the chin.  Voss dropped to the concrete floor with a thud and Spike dropped on top of him to make a cover.  The referee slipped out of the ring to count the fall but he was unable to tell if Voss’ shoulders were on the concrete or not due to the abundance of foam ringside.

Saunders shrugged and looked to see what else could be used in the grasp of the fans.  That’s when the weapon was decided by the fans.  In the horizon, Spike could see something being crowd surfed toward him and as it came closer a sick grin crossed his face.

It was a rocking horse.

A solid timber rocking horse.

Spike took it in one hand and held it high above his head to a chorus of cheers from the nbW fans.  He turned around and raised the horse high above his bloodied head and…

BZZZZZZZZZZT!

TASER!

Voss had apprehended the tazer from one of the crowd controllers and jammed it into the ribs of Spike Saunders.  Spike fell to his knees but unfortunately for him… the rocking horse came tumbling after.  He’d let go as soon as the tazer had contacted and the timber horse fell down and onto the back of Spike’s head.  The fans booed profusely as Voss’ foamy face was no longer white, but blood red.  The fire extinguisher had busted open his right eyebrow and it poured out into the foam of the extinguisher.

Having tazed the Double Dragon, Voss tossed the tazer back to the security guard to pick up the rocking horse.  He lifted it high above his head.

“ROCKABYE BABY!” he screamed at Spike.

CRUNCH!

The horse smashed to smithereens on impact with Spike’s shoulders, having landed face first after the horse initially collected him across the back of the head.  A  million pieces of wood lay around Spike as J. Leslie Voss raised both fists high above his head.  The Religious Rasslin’ Experience made a belt gesture toward his waist before heaving Spike to his feet again.

Groggily, the Double Dragon obliged, allowing Voss to stand him up.  JLV heaved Spike with all his might, scoop slamming him onto the crowd barrier to a groan from the Saunders’ fans in attendance.  A small group toward the back had began to cheer Voss yet he paid them as much mind as the rest of the gelatinous tapeworms in attendance.

</Jericho>

Spike clutched at his ribs and fell over the barrier, into the front row.  Voss stepped over after him as crowd controllers tried to give them some room to continue trying to kill one another.  Voss cleared seven chairs of their belongings and laid Spike across them all.  He collected another steel chair and rested it over the chest of Spike Saunders to the sound of the fans beginning to buzz.

What was this guy doing?

Climbing onto the crowd barrier, Voss drew a deep breath and leapt up into the air, coming down onto the steel chair on Spike’s chest with both feet and riding him into the other steel chairs and into the ground.  Some chairs simply burst on impact.  Some popped out unable to burst or take the weight.  Others half crushed but what did crunch was Spike Saunders.

The Double Dragon rolled around the concrete clutching his ribs as JLV tried to pull himself back to his own feet.  He grabbed a fan’s Spike Saunders t-shirt and proceeded to wipe the foam and blood from his eyes.  The fan, surprisingly, looked super psyched to be the proud owner of one of the rarest wrestling souvenirs.  This was definitely a candidate to be zip-lock bagged and mounted on the wall.

Having cleared his vision, Voss pawed at the rest of the blood and foam on his face and wiped it onto his white wrestling trunks.  Spike sat up only for Voss to kick him dead in the face.  His upper body snapped back again and the back of his head hit the concrete with a thud.

This war between them seemed like it was only just beginning, not ending here.  Voss was a proud and cunning man, and he seemed to have a way to hold onto a grudge until death.  Perhaps that was what he was trying to do here as he grabbed Spike by the hand and heaved him upright once more.

JLV took him by the scruff of the neck and led him toward the back part of the arena, where some merchandise stands had been set-up by some scaffolding which had No Brand Wrestling banners attached to them.  Voss, with Saunders in his grip, looked toward the scaffolding and the fans roared with delight.  He paid them no dues and made a B-line for the tables which they were selling the merchandise from.

With his free arm, Voss swiped his forearm across the table to clear it of any padding for Spike’s benefit.  He then clubbed Spike across the back of the shoulders and laid him down on the table.  He looked at the ground and picked up a t-shirt.  It read “Spike It Up” across the front.  Voss wrapped it around the knuckles on his right hand and began to pummel the shit of Spike’s head with his very own merchandise, in an attempt to insure that Saunders was not going anywhere at all.

Next, the Human Ratings Riot began to scale the side of the scaffolding with his back to the action below.  He never noticed Saunders beginning to come to.  Nor did he notice him motioning toward a fan.  Or organising for a steel chair to be close by.  Because when Voss got to his desired height, he had a look back and Saunders was still lying motionless on the merchandise table.

The movements of Spike Saunders behind JLV’s back created a buzz amongst the crowd.  Voss turned around, clutching the scaffolding with his hands behind his back.  He shut his eyes for a moment, maybe attempting to transfer the pain somewhere else.  Because there would be pain.  He was four metres above Spike Saunders.  About the height of a house.  Voss had flashbacks of Mick Foley’s youth as he let go, attempting to land a suicide splash onto Saunders below on the table.

As Voss freefell through the air, Spike rolled off the table slowly and to his feet.  He snatched up the steel chair and held it above his head.  Voss finally opened his eyes which widened when he saw he was headed directly for the table.  The Spike-free table.

Right as Voss was about to land on the table, Spike cracked the steel chair across his back, using it to spike him, no pun intended, into the table and it smashed to splinters upon impact.  Voss did NOT move.

“HO-LEE SHIT!” “HO-LEE SHIT!” “HO-LEE SHIT!”

Despite their utter loathing for the Human Ratings Riot, the fans couldn’t help but admire the spot he’d just given them.  And he lay there, flat on his belly, not moving a muscle.  His right arm out on a strange angle as Saunders fell to a seated position, just trying to grab his breath back.  He rolled onto all fours, then up onto his feet, staggering through the crowd whilst he tried to figure out his logistics.

The referee ran down and tended to Voss, touching his shoulder lightly which awoke him.  Pain shot through his shoulder and Voss immediately rose to his knees.

“It’s dislocated, Voss… you can’t go on!”  The referee was adamant and began to move toward the time keeper, who wasn’t visible from this section of the crowd.

Voss’ left hand reached out and grabbed him by the shirt.  He tugged him back toward him spun him around, grabbing him by the collar.

“You call this off and I’ll fucking kill you!”

The referee could see the seriousness in Voss’ eyes.  He nodded as Voss used him to pull himself to his feet.  He stared at people in the crowd as Saunders took a seat momentarily on a steel chair amongst the fans.  Twenty minutes had passed and Saunders was feeling like he’d been battling for days.

Finally, Voss found what he’d been looking for.  A large burly man who looked like he’d played football.  “You!” Voss said with exclamation and an accusatory finger pointing at the man.  “You put one of these back in before?”

Voss motioned toward his dislocated right shoulder.  The man nodded, hesitantly.

“DO IT!”

The man looked at his buddy beside him who shrugged and nudged him toward Voss.  JLV quickly snatched a beer from a nearby fan and skulled it while the burly man grabbed him by the wrist and yanked down hard.

“AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!”

POP!

The shoulder went straight back in and Voss dropped to his knees from the pain.  His eyes were widened and breathing erratic.  His adrenaline was pumping and he looked like a man possessed.  He snatched another beer and scanned the crowd.  He saw him.  Spike was drinking a bottle of water on that steel chair still.

As Spike drained the last of the bottle’s contents, shaking it above his mouth to ensure he’d garnered every last drop, he decided he see if the referee had made his mind up yet.  Spike turned around and…

SNAP!

J. Leslie Voss wrapped a pool cue around his face, snapping it across the bridge of his nose and cutting it in the process.  Despite the four metre drop and the dislocated shoulder, Voss was rejuvenated by it being snatched back into place.  Adrenaline was coursing through his veins and anyone would think, despite seeing his face coated in his own blood or seeing him do the four metre splash onto table, that Voss had just entered the match.

Saunders tumbled backwards from the shot, clutching at his face as Voss held both ends of the pool cue, one in each hand, and windmilled his arms.  Every time the cues passed Saunders they struck him again and again.  He rolled out of the way finally, and Voss decided he was done with the cues and tossed them aside.
Voss turned back around and walked straight into a Lou Thesz press from Saunders.  His head hit the concrete with a thud while Spike drove his right fist into Voss’ face again and again and again.  The fans roared with delight as Spike rose to his feet.  He took a steel chair and folded it up, ramming the edge of it into the ribs of JLV before dropping it flat over his face.

STOMP!

STOMP!

Two stomps onto the steel chair covering JLV’s face and the fans were going wild.  Saunders pulled Voss to his feet and down into a side headlock.  A fan handed him a cheese grater which had “ECW4EVA” written in black marker on all four sides.  Holding it up to see if that’s what the fans wanted, Spike brought it down again and began to grate the forehead of JLV to a raucous cacophony of cheers.

Pleased with the grating of Voss’ forehead, he raised the grater up and then clobbered Voss over the back of the head with it, dropping him as he did.  Voss fell to all fours and a steady stream of blood began to pour from his forehead to the concrete beneath him.

Spike put his hands together and drove them down into Voss’ back with a double axe-handle.  He fell flat on his face, into the pool of his own blood.  Each time Voss tried to get to his feet, Spike would drive that axe-handle into his back again and again.  Voss instead tried to army crawl away from Saunders but he would have nothing of that.

He grabbed Voss by both ankles and heaved him upside down, lifting him off the floor.  Despite Spike’s massive frame it was still somewhat of a feat to lift two hundred and ninety pounds up by the ankles.  And then he let go.  Voss crashed onto the crown of his head with the unorthodox move by Saunders.  Simple.  Yet effective on the punishing concrete.

Voss rolled around the floor, clutching at his head, certain that it to had busted open and had began to bleed.  Voss could barely tell where new blood OR old blood was coming from.  He sat up, dazed and confused, pawing at the blood that had covered his eyes.  As he wiped away the blood he looked up in time to see Spike Saunders knee coming toward his face at a million miles an hour.

The elation of the fans was deafening as Spike’s knee almost destroyed Voss’ face with its propulsion.  Voss laid flat on his back, spread eagle and staring at the roof as Spike Saunders dropped on top of him and made the pinfall.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

The fans roared wildly as the referee rose up onto his feet.  He was clearly holding two fingers in the air.

VOSS GOT A SHOULDER UP!

The roars of elation soon turned to deflation and negativity toward the Innovator of Ignorance.  Voss could only lay there and breathe as Saunders’ jaw gaped as he stared up at the referee.  He couldn’t believe this could happen.

With a slap of the concrete floor, Spike arose and brought Voss to his feet with him.  He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and ushered him through the crowd toward the ring.  When he got to the crowd barrier he turned Voss around and pressed his back down onto the top of it.  He raised one open hand high above his head and brought it down with a thunderous slap upon Voss’ chest.

ssssssSLAP!

The fans roared with delight as the hand struck Voss’ chest and Spike repeated the methodology three times more.  Then he grabbed Voss by both ankles and threw them up and back, so Voss did an involuntary backwards roll over the crowd barrier and onto the back of his head and neck.  The fans groaned as Voss collided with the concrete and cheered as Spike stepped of the barrier with one fist raised high above his head.

Ringside, Spike heaved Voss up to his feet once again, rolling him beneath the ropes and into the centre of the ring.  Yet Spike didn’t join him.  He walked around the ring with his hands out, waiting for fans to put weapons in there.  Road sign.  Tossed into the ring.  Iron.  Tossed into the ring.  Basketball.  Kettle.  Sack of coat hangers.  Tossed into the ring.  By the time Spike had passed one whole side of the ring, there was an over abundance of fan brought weapons in the ring.

Voss had began to stir and rose to all fours, crawling across the ring and attempting to get to the ropes, trying to get himself to his feet.  Spike pulled himself up onto the apron and stepped over the top rope, picking up the kettle which he’d thrown in.  He grabbed it by the cord and began swinging it around his head like a cowboy might his lasso.  Turning around, Voss saw it coming but it was too late.  He couldn’t do anything about it.

CLANG!

The kettle struck and kettle struck hard.  Hitting Voss in the temple and dropping him like the proverbial sack of shit.  Spike picked the kettle up and held it on a shorter leash, swinging it over his shoulder almost like an axe.  Driving the kettle into Voss’ body again and again. Each new blow created a new Voss imprint on the kettle and the fans were loving every single minute of the match.

Crawling to his feet and across the ring, Voss tried to escape.  Spike wound up and charged, kicking the basketball that was in the ring with all his might.  The ball flew through the air and struck Voss square in the side of the head.  Momentarily dazing him with the impact.  He misplaced a hand because of it and crashed back into the canvas.  Saunders couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of Voss being downed by a basketball to the side of the face.  Though, millions would if Spike had of kicked it at them.  And Voss was, after all, despite his best attempts to plead otherwise, only human.

Saunders crossed the ring and grabbed Voss by the hair, putting his neck over the bottom rope so his windpipe was pressed against it, and he pressed a foot to the back of Voss’ neck.  Choking him with the bottom rope.  Pressing harder and harder using the top rope for leverage.  JLV’s arms flailed about as he tried to fight the choking from the Double Dragon.

Satisfied blue was a good shade on Voss, Spike pulled him up to his feet and military pressed him into the air, before driving him down on top of the seriously dented kettle.  The fans roared their approval as Voss’ body was driven down hard.  Folding up over the top of the kettle and cringing in agony, clutching his lower spine as he scootched around the ring clutching the small of his back.

Saunders grabbed him by the hair and heaved him once again to his feet, tossing him toward the corner where Voss’ back crunched against the turnbuckles.  His arms fell limp so the top rope kept him upright.  The Double Dragon crossed the ring again and began to remove the padding from the top turnbuckle to the delight of the fans.  He held the pad up for all to see before tossing it aside.

Next, the monstrous Spike turned around and charged forward, leaping into the air with a huge avalanche yet the opportunist in Voss saw this as a possible ending for the superstar.  And he heaved his legs up with every last ounce of energy that he had, propping himself over the top rope and onto the apron.  Spike was almost dead on impact with the turnbuckle when Voss swung a hard right hook that hit at the same moment Saunders did with the turnbuckle.

The fans booed hysterically as JLV shook the cobwebs from his knuckles.  Spike toppled backwards like a great oak in the wild having been chopped down.  The Epitome of Entertainment stepped through the ropes and into the ring, heaving Spike Saunders to his feet with all the energy he could muster.

He whipped Spike hard into the opposite corner.  The monstrous Saunders trundled across unable to fight the Irish whip and his sternum drove hard into that naked turnbuckle, expelling all the breath from his chest and immediately Spike sat on his ass, clutching his ribs in agony.

Voss rose to his feet, having fallen to his knees with the use of all his energy to whip Spike across the ring.  He hauled Spike’s massive frame up onto his feet once again, guiding him to that corner with the naked turnbuckle.  The fans shuddered as Voss rammed Spike’s face into the naked steel, busting his cheek open immediately.  The two bloodied men continued to wage war as Voss rammed Spike’s face into the turnbuckle a second time, this time being squirted by the blood of his nbW enemy.

Clutching at his cheek, Saunders staggered out of the corner, trying to contain the blood flow.  Hoping to push some of the already coagulated and caked blood on his face over the gash.  Yet turning his back on Voss was a stupid idea and the Tsar of Tsensation picked up the sack of coat hangers, pulling one out and widening it into a circular shape.  He snuck up behind Saunders and pulled it down over his head and around his neck, tugging him in close to his body.

Voss spun so his back was against Saunders back and he pulled the coat hanger as hard as he could over his shoulder, lifting Spike off the ground.  Saunders coughed and spluttered and his face turned purple.  He desperately attempted to grab Voss’ head from behind but his lack of oxygen was proving too difficult.

“YOU’RE GONNA KILL HIM!” screamed the referee.

Voss snarled between heaves of the coat hanger…

“THAT’S THE IDEA, FUCKHEAD!”

Voss heaved another massive heave and Saunders used the momentum to flip himself backwards, rolling over the top of Voss and landing on the back of his head and neck.  He gasped as the oxygen rushed his lungs, coughing and spluttering as the breath was returned.  Voss cursed the referee for momentarily distracting him.  He scoured the ring for a weapon worthy of Spike’s face.  He noticed an old laptop from the mid-90’s in the ring and smiled.

The Ayatollah of Ass-ah-hollah picked the laptop up from the canvas and tucked it under his arm.  He sat the groggy Saunders up into a seated position and took a few steps back.

CHOCK!

The sound of the laptop hitting Spike’s forehead echoed through the arena and in almost slow motion, Spike Saunders toppled backward.  Voss swore at the laptop for not exploding on impact.  He grabbed a hold of Saunders by the arm and dragged him into the centre of the ring.  He placed the laptop over Spike’s already bruised ribs, which had taken an enormous amount of punishment through the proceedings of this war which had already gone on for thirty-five minutes.

Voss began to scale to the top turnbuckle, rising to the top and standing above the ring.  His balance was a little off, yet he was able to maintain it.  Before he flew he made to thumbs and held them above his head.  He brought them down on each letter…

“J-L-V!”

Boo said the fans, yet the boos changed to cheers as Voss executed the ugliest frog splash in the history of professional wrestling.  But it was the impact that counted.  He wasn’t being scored by a panel of judges in regards to the beauty of the move.  His guts landed on the laptop which laid over Spike’s ribs and the chants began again…

“HO-LEE SHIT!” “HO-LEE SHIT!” “HO-LEE SHIT!”

Voss bounced off Spike almost immediately on impact, clutching his ribs and coughing in agony.  He sputtered up a few coughs of blood in the corner of the ring as he knelt, pulling his chest down close to his knees.  Saunders sat upright and roared in pain from the impact, clutching his ribs in agony.  In the far corner, Voss pulled himself upright with the aid of the ropes.  He raised a fist into the air which managed to garner a few cheers from the fans.

Next, Voss ran his thumb across his throat in a cutthroat gesture, signifying that things were all about to come to an abrupt ending.  He pointed at his waist and ran his hand across his midsection suggesting he was keeping his title belt.

He staggered across the ring and heaved Spike Saunders up onto his feet.  With all of his energy, he whipped Spike into the ropes.  Saunders rebounded and the Human Ratings Riot charged forward with all the might he could muster.

Voss’ version of the Clothesline from Hell drove right through the head of Spike Saunders and seven foot monster flipped upside down and came crashing down on the crown of his head.  Voss fell to his knees, put his hands together and raised them to the heavens… as if he were thanking God for letting him retain.

Slowly but surely, JLV crawled across to the fallen Spike Saunders and clambered on top for the weakest cover in professional wrestling’s history.  But it was a cover nonetheless.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

KICKOUT!!!1!~!

Voss rolled off Spike and threw a child-like tantrum, laying on his belly and kicking his legs, beating his fists against the canvas.  He shuffled along on his knees toward the referee, coated in his own and Spike’s blood, clutching at his black and white shirt, leaving bloody handprints on it as he pleaded his case for the three-count.  The referee was adamant it was a two count.

The Religious Rasslin’ Experience could not believe it.

He was trying to end the battle.  Trying to finish off Spike Saunders.  But the Double Dragon seemed to have a little more in the tank than Voss had thought.  He kicked the bottom rope and staggered across to Saunders, who had barely battered an eyelid since receiving the New & Improved Formula.

Pulling the seven foot behemoth to his feet, Voss whipped him into the ropes again.  Spike bounced off them and on return JLV lifted him up and delivered a monstrous inverted atomic drop to Spike that had the fans groan in unison.

CHA-CHING~!

Saunders fell to the canvas, clutching his groin and rolling on his back.  That’s when Voss applied the submission.  The move which might end it all.  Voss hooked and weaved and before Saunders knew it… the Human Ratings Riot had locked him into the Ode to Flair!  His version of the figure-four leglock.

The fans grew with anticipation, trying to get behind Spike.  Voss levered and levered, heaving and pulling on the joints.  Saunders wailed loudly as Voss screamed…

“TAP OUT YOU BIG SONOFABITCH!  TAP… THE FUCK… OUT!”

“NEEEEVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRR!” Spike screamed.

JLV, with every flinch, shuffled to lock the leglock on tighter.  Spike fought the pain but is was almost unsurmountable.  His energy levels were depleted.  The agony was taking a toll on his body.  He wasn’t sure if he could fight the pain that was coursing through his body and everything started going a little black.

Perhaps Spike had taken everything that his body could take.  He could feel the darkness consuming him.  The tunnel vision was starting to kick in.  The fight was beginning to wane within him and Voss could sense it.

The Religious Rasslin’ Experience began to rock back and forth, attempting to try and put the utmost of pressure on the figure four, and the vocal fighting from Saunders turned from roars to murmurs to grumbles beneath his breath.

“ASK THE GOD DAMN QUESTION!” Voss yelled at the referee.

The ref leant down and spoke with Saunders.  “Do you give up?”

With what little energy Spike had left, he shook his head.  Maybe he did have a little fight in him.  But the head shake grew slower and slower.  Spike seemed closer and closer to unconsciousness.  He didn’t want to give in to the figure-four.  He didn’t want to give in to Voss.  But his body was giving him no choice.  He would pass out before he tapped.

And it seemed to be heading in that direction.

As pain surged through his body Spike’s body began to grow a little limper by the moment.  Voss could feel the fight depleting within him and he shouted at the referee again.

“CHECK HIM!  CHECK THAT MOTHERFUCKER GOD DAMMIT!”

The referee grabbed Spike by the right hand and lifted it into the air, testing to see if he had the strength to keep it upright.  It fell down to the canvas with a slap.  The referee stood up and indicated a one to the time keeper.

He dropped down to one knee and grabbed Spike’s wrist for the second time.  Again, he lifted it into the air to test the will power left within the Double Dragon.  He’d battled for forty-five minutes in this ring.  He’d been trapped in a figure four for the last three minutes and the will had all but faded.  For the second time… Spike’s arm fell from the referee’s grasp and landed on the canvas.

Once more the referee rose, indicating to the time keeper that Spike was unable to hold his wrist up for a second time.

SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!”

The referee dropped down to the canvas to check Spike again.

“SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!”

Voss shook his head as the fans chants grew louder and louder.

The referee grabbed Spike’s wrist and began to raise it into the air.

“SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!”

He got it to a satisfied height and looked over at Voss.

“SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!”

Voss was nodding, encouraging him to release the grip of Spike’s wrist.  The fans grew silent with anticipation.  Their chanting died as the referee closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  This match… this war… had taken it’s toll on him also.

He released his grip.

Spike’s wrist began to fall toward the canvas.

Voss’ eyes widened, watching the monstrous forearm of the Double Dragon cascading down.

The fans all rose to their feet as the wrist began to fall and…

rrrrRRRRRRUUUUUUAAAAAHHHHH!

Spike’s fist shot skyward, near punching the referee in the face as it rose.  The double Dragon had been taking the moment to deal with the pain.  To rejuvenate his senses.  And while still trapped in the vice-like figure-four of the Human Ratings Riot… Spike had fought to overcome the agony.  He tried to sit-up but the lock put too much pressure to do so.  The fans were going wild as Spike scoured the ring for some sort of assistance.

He reached backward, having seen the item which could save his fate in the contest with Voss, clutching at a Singapore cane which was millimetres from his grasp.  He placed both hands on the canvas and lifted his ass off the ground, trying to shuffle backward a few inches to be able to grab it.

JLV shook his head.  Fear had set in.  He thought Saunders was as good as done.  He didn’t like the way things were headed.  Not when he was so close to victory.

Spike’s hand outstretched as far as it could go and his middle finger wrapped around the handle of the Singapore cane.  He tugged it toward him a little and finally he had his grip.  He pulled it into his hand and thrust his upper body upright, bringing that Singapore cane down as he did.

CRACK!

He smashed it across the forehead of Voss, that which had been grated by the cheese grater earlier on in the evening.  Voss was stunned by the shot, relinquishing his figure-four just a little.  The second Singapore cane shot brought the lock completely undone.

THWACK!

Voss fell backward, flat on his back, and Spike rolled over onto his belly and up onto his feet.  He limped across to the corner and sighed heavily.  He knew he was running out of time.  All Voss had to do was hold on.  He screamed at the timekeeper.

“HOW LONG LEFT?”

The timekeeper checked his watch and held up all ten fingers on his hands before taking them down and holding up a solitary finger.  Eleven minutes.  They’d waged war for forty-nine minutes.  All Voss had to try and do, to retain his title, was hang in there.

Spike wasn’t prepared to let that happen.

He turned, spying Voss rolling out of the ring, groggy from the Singapore cane shot Spike had delivered moments ago.  Saunders watched him trying to shake the cobwebs but he could barely step away.

Saunders reached down and picked up the Singapore cane.  He then set-up a steel chair nearby the ropes closest to JLV before turning around and heading to the far side of the ring.

The fans weren’t sure what he was up to, but were convinced they were about to see another “Holy Shit” moment.  Voss could feel the stirring amongst the fans.  He slowly turned around and almost froze in shock as he watched the events unfold.

Spike charged forward, toward that steel chair, stepping up onto it with one foot.  His next step was right up onto the top rope with both feet, spring boarding himself into the air and bringing the Singapore cane high above his head with both hands.

JLV closed his eyes and waited for the brunt of the blow.

CRACK!

SNAP!

Voss fell into a heap on the ramp as Saunders tripped up, landing face first into the steel, busting that cheek open a little again.  Enough to begin another steady trickle of blood.  But as for the Religious Rasslin’ Champ… he was barely stirring.

Spike rolled over into a seated position, checking the blood flow from his cheek.  He shrugged it off and saw Voss motionless on the steel ramp.  A smile appeared amongst the crimson mask which he wore.

A blip was heard over the PA system and Spike turned his attention to the big screen.  A count-down clock had begun.  It had begun at 10:00:00 and was counting down to zero.

The time left in this match.

09:47:32

They were into the home stretch.  Spike knew he needed to get that pin.  He had to get it or he’d never live it down.  Never live down being beaten by JLV.

He crawled across the ramp to the fallen Voss, covering him as the referee slid beneath the bottom rope to the outside, ready to count the pinfall.

ONE!

TWO!

THREE!

ZOMG! ZOMG! MOTHERFUCKEN KICKOUT!

The fans groaned and cursed as Spike couldn’t believe it.  On his knees he had his hands on his head, shattered the pinfall hadn’t been successful.  He slammed a fist down onto the steel ramp and took a glimpse back up toward the clock on the big screen.

09:10:07
Almost nine minutes left.

Spike pulled Voss to his feet and rolled him into the ring.  The lifeless Voss did not refuse and once in the ring he did the same as he did prior to kicking out.  He just lay there.

The Double Dragon lifted the apron and reached under, pulling out a wooden table and shoving it into the ring.  Next, he pulled a ladder out from under there, sliding it into the ring also.  He stepped up and onto the apron, over the top rope and took another glance at the counting clock.

07:58:47

He’d wasted over a minute getting the artillery he required to finish off one J. Leslie Voss.  Spike pulled the table up and straightened the legs of the table.  With the table set up, Spike grabbed Voss and pulled him to his feet.  He pulled the Human Ratings Riot into his legs and wrapped his arms around his waist, preparing for a powerbomb.

Voss blocked the powerbomb.  Spike attempted the move again but once more, Voss managed to keep his weight grounded on the canvas.  He planted a hand on each of Spike’s thighs and shoved free of the grip around his neck.

Dropping to one knee, Voss swung one arm up between Spike’s parted legs and drove his fist right into Spike’s balls.  Saunders wailed as Voss rose to his feet.  Spike was shocked by the blow but not quite as shocked as the second blow.

Voss’ swung his right foot forward as hard as he could, kicking Spike so hard in the balls that it lifted him off his feet.  Spike didn’t land on his feet, he fell straight to the canvas.  He was dry-retching and heaving violently from the brutal groin shot.

The Religious Rasslin’ Champion… he simply grinned his shit eating grin from beneath that vile blood caked mask on his face.

06:18:32

Voss smiled harder when he saw that he only had to cling to dear life for another six minutes.  Stupidly, the Human Ratings Riot turned to the fans to gloat some more.  He did not notice Saunders staring and get to his feet.

He pulled Voss’ head back and tucked him into an inverted facelock, falling backward with a reverse DDT that caused the fans to erupt with joy.  Voss’ body went limp from the impact and Spike wasn’t ready to give a half-hearted attempt at pinfall.  He pulled Voss to his feet and struck him with a punch.

But JLV returned one of his own that rattled Spike’s cage.

Saunders wouldn’t take it lying down and the pair began an exchange of punch tennis in the middle of the ring.

05:00:01

Voss threw one back that hit Saunders right on the jaw.

Spike punched.

Voss punched.

Spike did.

So did Voss.

Then Voss did it again.

AND AGAIN!

And by the time Voss nailed Spike with his third, fourth and fifth in succession, the fans were absolutely silent in shock that Voss might be galloping away with this.

04:20:14

The Religious Rasslin’ Experience took Spike’s arm in a monkey grip and whipped him across the ring, toward the rope.  He spun his body a full three hundred and sixty degrees, driving the heel of his palm right into his forehead.

The fans gasped as Spike staggered onto his back foot, not being taken down by the spinning palm thrust to his forehead.  Voss charged into the ropes and rebounded off them, charging back and

The fans screamed in shock from Spike being driven into the canvas for the second time tonight by Voss’ patent lariat and with their heads in their hands, almost in unison, they checked the clock on the big screen.

03:32:32

Voss knew that he was going to have to insure his victory.  Insure the fact he did not want Spike kicking out.  He shuffled the ladder under the bottom and rolled out after it.  He crossed the ladder between the gap between the ring and guard rail, creating a balancing beam of sorts.

Quickly, Voss slipped beneath the bottom rope and rolled Spike beneath the bottom rope onto the apron.  He heaved him up onto his feet and swung another brutal kick into Spike’s balls.  The men in attendance screamed their hate at Voss he tucked a shoulder into Spike’s guts.

Voss roared as he lifted, pulling Spike up into a Fireman’s carry on his shoulders, moving so that Spike’s head was closest to the ladder.

“IT ALL ENDS HERE!”  Voss screamed to the fans.  “IT ALL ENDS NOW!”

Ready and willing, Voss drove his body sideways and the fans exploded as Spike’s body connected onto the steel.

DEATH VALLEY DRIVER ONTO THE LADDER!

The buzz around the arena was electric as Spike was driven right through the ladder to the concrete below.  Voss came tumbling after.  They couldn’t believe their eyes and began chanting as one.

“HO-LEE SHIT!” “HO-LEE SHIT!” “HO-LEE SHIT!”

Voss slowly began to stir, trying to drag himself up to his feet using the ring apron.  He pawed at some of the blood on his face, trying to clear his vision in the ring.  He was exhausted.  Battered.  Bloodied.  Bruised.  Yet J. Leslie Voss had proven to the nbW fans he was no coward.  That he was a fierce competitor.  That he walked the walk and showed his bite was just as bad as his bite.

His opponent, Spike Saunders, rolled around on the concrete.  His right leg was shaking with cramps.  There was a fresh gash in the back of his head, which poured blood down the back of his neck.  The fans couldn’t believe the war they witnessed.

J. Leslie Voss versus Spike Saunders.

Finally, Voss had managed to pull himself to his feet and he looked up toward the big screen, staring at the clock waiting for those seconds to tick away.  He didn’t have enough in him to try and pin Saunders.  But he figured he could ride out the final few moments.

01:21:02

Just over one minute remained in the match and all Voss had to do was wait.  He crawled up into the ring and across the canvas to the otherside, as far from Spike as possible.  He figured the climb into the ring would take enough energy out of Spike should he try to come after him.

He pulled himself up the ropes, leaning in the middle with his arms flailed over the rope, almost dangling by his arm pits from the top rope.

“SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!”

The fans truly did not want to see this end like this.  An unbias person might suggest that this were a fitting result.  A time limit draw.  Yet they did not wish to see J. Leslie Voss leave this arena with that title belt.

“SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!”

JLV shut his eyes, the clock was testing his patience.  It was the longest minute of his life but he knew that he had it in the bag.

Spike rolled over onto all four, coughing and spluttering.  Blood ran down around his neck and dripped from his Adam’s Apple to the concrete beneath.

“SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!”

He pawed at the apron, dragging his massive frame up onto his knees and he saw Voss standing on the farside, back turned towards him.

But how much time was left?

00:37:12

There was almost no time left.  He pulled on the bottom rope and rose to his feet with the fans increasing their support for him.

“SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!” “SPIKE!”

Spike rolled under the bottom rope.  Laying there a moment, to catch his breath.  Maybe stop the world from spinning.  He was almost spent.  He barely had a drop left in the tank but defeating J. Leslie Voss seemed to give him a little more fuel.

0:22:56

With twenty-two seconds left on the clock Spike rose like a second wind had caught a hold of him.

rrrrRRRRRRUUUUUUAAAAAHHHHH!

He stormed across the ring and spun J. Leslie Voss around, booting him in the belly.

0:20:00

He locked Voss into a front facelock.

0:19:00

Tried to lift JLV into the air with for what might have been a vertical suplex.

0:18:00

But Voss wouldn’t have a bar of it.  He blocked the attempt to the shocked reaction of the fans.

0:17:00

He drove a knee into the belly of Spike Saunders.

0:16:00

Spike doubled over, gasping for air and Voss laid a pathetic double axe-handle across the top of Spike’s shoulders.

0:15:00

Spike fell down to one knee as Voss rose the double axe-handle to above his head again.

0:14:00

Down came that double axe-handle, right across the nape of Spike’s neck and his right shoulder.  Dropping that other foot down to a knee.

0:13:00

Voss rose the axe-handle above his head for what he hoped would be the last time.  What he hoped would be the nail in the coffin.

0:12:00

He swung the axe-handle down with a roar and all his might.

0:11:00

Saunders caught the axe-handle in both hands.

0:10:00

He rose to one foot, trying to bring the other up as he fought off Voss’ axe-handle.

0:09:00

JLV shook his head.  He didn’t want things to end this way.  He didn’t want Spike on his feet.  But now he was on his feet and standing over the top of Voss.

0:08:00

He broke his grip on Voss’ wrists and rocked him with a stiff right jab on the chin.

0:07:00

He drove his foot into Voss’ belly, which doubled over the Religious Rasslin’ Experience.

0:06:00

He heaved Voss up onto his shoulders to a…

rrrrRRRRRRUUUUUUAAAAAHHHHH!

0:05:00

Saunders nailed his version of the F5 to another…

rrrrRRRRRRUUUUUUAAAAAHHHHH!

0:04:00

Spike dove on top of JLV, grabbing his right leg and rolling back. The referee dropped for the cover.

0:03:00

ONE!

0:02:00

TWO!

0:01:00

THREE!

The referee burst to his feet, calling for the bell and the clock stopped on the big screen as the bell rang. The fans gasped in unison as Spike looked up at the clock on the big screen.

Nobody could believe their eyes as they stared up at the daunting numbers above them.

0:00:02

Spike Saunders had defeated J. Leslie Voss with 0.02 seconds remaining in their sixty minute contest. He rolled off of Voss as the fans burst into a roar of cheers. The sound was near deafening as Spike crawled to the ropes, pulling himself up the turnbuckle. He raised a defiant fist in the air as the referee jogged over.

The referee grabbed Spike’s raised wrist for the fans to see that he had been declared the winner. Next, the referee brought Spike’s wrist down and put something in his hand.

Saunders looked down and saw that it was the nbW Keystone Championship. OR otherwise known as… J. Leslie Voss’ Religious Rasslin’ Championship. Complete with electrical tape crucifix over the front of it.

Spike drew a long breath and stared down at the belt in his grasp. The emotion began to wash over him. This wasn’t a World title… but it was a World title calibre fight. For sixty minutes he had waged war with J. Leslie Voss and they’d used all of those sixty minus 0.02 of a second.

Looking out over the sea of cheering faces, Spike gripped the belt and thrust his new championship high into the air for all the fans to see. They roared with delight as Spike Saunders was now the new Keystone Champion.

J. Leslie Voss had barely moved. He was a bleeding, battered mess in the centre of the ring. Medics began to charge down toward the ring, with kits at the ready. Spike’s right leg gave out on him, almost in the nick of time. Like he’d seen the medics and his brain said to his body “OK, give up now”.

He dropped down onto his side, clutching the championship belt tightly to his chest as the medics attended the pair of them in the ring. Spike rolled beneath the bottom rope into the awaiting arms of some medics as the fans all rose to their feet.

The Double Dragon linked an arm around the shoulders of two medics who battled to maintain his weight, yet they helped him up the ramp toward the back. The fans all applauded. There was no hooting or hollering. There was a standing ovation for the man who’d just defeated J. Leslie Voss.

Finally, in the centre of the ring, Voss began to come to. He rolled over onto his belly and looked up at the clock. He looked down the ramp and saw Saunders walking up it with the title belt dangling from his grasp.

All he did was sigh. It’s all he could do. He had no energy left for a tantrum but he made a promise to himself that he would get the belt back no matter what it took to do it. No matter how low he had to go to get it back.

Three medics attended him, he raised a hand up and grabbed one by the collar with each hand. He used their vertical base to bring himself to a vertical base. He looked around, through groggy eyes and a crimson mask, at the fans in the arena.

And they were not booing him. They were looking between him and Spike Saunders, who had both waged a war and they were giving them a standing ovation. Voss in the middle of the ring and Spike up on the ramp. Spike turned around and looked back down at Voss.

Voss returned the glare, almost snarling as he looked at the Double Dragon up on the stage. Yet he couldn’t help but respect Saunders, if even nobody ever knew about it. They’d battled for an hour and both men had suffered at the hands of the other.

Both men had tried to destroy the other.

And Spike had won galliantly.

Spike was the new champion.

February 23, 2010

Match of the Week: GDW Triple Threat Match- GDW Civil War PPV

**********TRIPLE THREAT PHASE**********

Marty McMahon: There we have it! Logan Wolfe, Joey Michaels, and Samantha Raine have each won their respective rings.

Janelle: One of these athletes will go on to main event Wrestlecade VII.

Jack Griffith: I’m hoping for Joey.

Janelle: Of course you are.

Jack Griffith: And you’re no doubt cheering Sam on, right, you damn feminist?

Janelle: Of course. GIRL POWER!

(Logan, Michaels, and Raine approach each other in the center of the ring and the trash talking begins. Logan and Michaels trash talk until Sam shoves Logan. Logan turns and begins to say some things to Sam but it is at that point that Michaels blindsides Logan with a blow to the back. Sam follows it up with right hands and Joey joins in with right hands of his own. The two back Logan up into a corner. Joey whips Logan into the corner and then Sam lets Joey whip her into Logan. Logan staggers out of the corner at which point Joey kicks him in the gut and snaps off a suplex. Sam then drops a quick leg drop across Logan’s throat. Sam mounts Logan and begins throwing right hands to his forehead. Sam gets off and allows Joey to mount Logan and he too laces into him with right hands.)

McMahon: It appears as if Michaels is going to work with the returning Sam Raine to try and eliminate Logan early.

Janelle: Smart strategy. Take out one guy and then you only have to deal with one.

Griffith: That alliance won’t last long. They’ll turn on each other cause neither can be trusted.

(Joey gets up off of Sam and then extends his hand to Sam. Sam accepts at which point Joey jerks her in and drops her with a short arm clothesline.)

Griffith: What’d I tell ya!

Janelle: And once again you were right.

McMahon: Joey nearly took Sam’s head off!

(Joey pulls Sam up to her feet and whips her into the ropes. Joey ducks his head early and Sam makes him pay with a kick to the face followed up by a roundhouse kick to the side of his head. Sam then lands a standing dropkick that takes Joey down. Sam gets back up only to have Logan, who just rose back to his feet, spin her around, scoop her up, and body slam her. Logan drops an elbow across Sam’s midsection. Logan gets up in time to see Joey rising back to his feet, so he rushes in and takes Joey back down with a clothesline. Logan pulls Michaels back up to his feet and whips him into the ropes and delivers a high back body drop. Joey quickly scrambles back to his feet utilizing the ropes but Logan immediately charges him and clotheslines Joey up and over the top rope and to the outside.)

McMahon: Michaels got taken to the outside.

Janelle: And he’ll need to get back in if he wants to win the title.

Griffith: Thank you for stating the obvious, Janelle.

McMahon: Well while you two were arguing, Sam just got up to the second turnbuckle!

(Unbeknownst to Logan, Sam has hopped to the top turnbuckle. Logan turns around and Sam snaps off a flying dropkick. Sam goes for a quick win.

1…

2…Kickout!

McMahon: Two count!

Janelle: It’ll take more than that to put Logan down tonight.

Griffith: Again, thanks for pointing out the obvious.

(Sam sits Logan up, takes a running start, and nails a neck snapper. Sam looks over her shoulder and notices Joey Michaels has climbed back onto the ring apron. Sam runs over to the ropes, springboards off the top turnbuckle, and nails Joey with a springboard dropkick, knocking him back down to the floor. Sam looks over at Logan who has just sat back up so she charges in and nails another neck snapper. Sam then latches on a neck vice.)

Griffith: Big mistake by Sam right here.

Janelle: How is it a mistake? She has him down and she’s focusing in on one body part—the neck.

Griffith: It’s a mistake because she’s not strong enough to hold him down.

McMahon: Are you two going to argue like this all night?

(The neck vice lasts for about 10 seconds until Logan begins to fight his way back to his feet and, sure enough, he does make it to his feet. He breaks the hold with elbow shots to Sam’s gut. Logan then backs Sam up against the ropes with right hands. Logan then whips Sam into the ropes and he goes for a clothesline but Sam ducks it and nails Logan from behind with a sleeper neck breaker. Sam goes for the cover.)

1…

2…Kickout!

McMahon: It looked like the Raine was in trouble but Sam found a way to save herself.

Janelle: That was a beautiful move.

(Sam waits until Logan sits up and then she charges forward and nails another neck snapper. Joey Michaels rolls into the ring as Sam rises back to her feet and he mows her over with a hard shoulder block. Joey pulls Sam back to her feet and body slams her to the mat below. Joey then pulls Logan back up to his feet and snaps off a neck breaker. Joey goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…3NO! Logan kicks out!

McMahon: Apparently Joey Michaels was watching everything that Sam did to Logan’s neck.

Griffith: Joey’s no dummy. He knows that now is a great time to finish the work Sam started. Great strategy.

Janelle: I thought you said working over his neck was a mistake?

(Joey pulls Logan back up to his feet and gets him set up for a ddt but Logan reverses from out of nowhere with a Northern Lights release suplex. Joey scrambles back up to his feet at the same time as Logan. Joey charges Logan who catches him with a high flapjack. Logan gets to his feet and he pulls Joey back up as well. Joey pokes Logan in his eyes and then quickly drops him with a swinging neck breaker. Unbeknownst to Joey, Sam has stepped out onto the ring apron and stands ready. Joey turns around and Sam then leaps up, spring boards off the top rope, and hits Joey with a springboard seated senton. Sam waits as Joey slowly tries to pull himself up. Joey makes it to his knees when Sam charges in and nails him in the back of his head with a shining wizard Sam goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…3NO! Joey kicks out!

McMahon: That move nearly put Joey out!

Griffith: Come on, Michaels!

(Sam gets up in time to see Logan making it back to his feet with his back turned to Sam. Sam charges in and drops him with a bulldog. Sam then runs towards the ropes, springboards off the second rope, and goes for a moonsault but Logan gets his knees up, driving them into Sam’s gut. Logan gets to his feet at about the same time as Sam. Logan charges Sam and drops her with a boot to the face. Logan covers.)

1…

2…

…3NO! Joey breaks up the three count!

McMahon: That kick nearly took Sam’s head off!

Janelle: And were it not for Michaels, Sam would be gone right now.

Griffith: Thank you Miss Cleo.

(Logan gets up and he and Joey begin to exchange right hands. Logan gets the better of the exchange, backing Joey up against the ropes. Logan whips Joey into the ropes and then hits him with a back elbow smash that takes him down. Joey scrambles back to his feet only to have Logan kick him in the gut, lift him up onto his shoulders, and drill him with Interception)

McMahon: There it is! There’s Interception!

Janelle: It has to be over now!

Griffith: Not if Sam has anything to say about it……

(Sure enough before Logan can make the cover, he turns into a superkick attempt by Sam. Logan, though catches the foot, jerks her in to him, and nails her with an exploder suplex. Logan pulls Sam back up to her feet and whips her into the ropes and nails her with an Arn Anderson style spinning spine buster. Logan goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…3NOOO!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!

Janelle: This is exactly what Logan needed to do. Eliminate Joey and then use his superior strength to keep Sam grounded.

McMahon: Indeed. If he keeps this up, he will be the next champ.

Griffith: Don’t count Sam out yet. She is resilient as hell.

(Logan pulls Sam back up to his feet. He scoops her up but Sam slips out from behind him and strikes a falling reverse ddt. Sam slowly pulls herself up and then heads over towards the turnbuckle where she hops up onto the second turnbuckle and waits for Logan to get back up. Joey gets up first though, and he heads over to try and intercept Sam but Sam leaps off and nails him with a flip over neck breaker instead. By this time Logan is back to his feet and as soon as Sam turns around she is met by right hands from Logan. Logan then whips her into the ropes as he runs off the other side. Both competitors have the same idea and go for clotheslines, taking each other down.)

McMahon: All three wrestlers are down!

Janelle: This is anybody’s ball game!

Griffith: I told you not to say this was over too soon.

(All three remain down for about nine seconds until suddenly, from out of nowhere, Sam kips up to her feet. Sam stands ready as Logan gets up to his feet. He gets to his feet and Sam drills him with a bulldog. Sam then runs off the ropes and goes for The Divine Impact [lionsault] but Logan rolls out of the way. Sam, however, with catlike agility lands on her feet. Logan turns around only to get taken down by a superkick from Sam. Before Sam can go for the cover, Joey Michaels rolls her up in a school boy.)

1…

2…

…3NOOO!!!!!! Sam just barely kicks out!

McMahon: Joey Michaels damn near sneaked in a victory.

Janelle: That’s why you have to always watch your back in a triple threat match.

Griffith: Yeah, cause Sam sure as hell didn’t see THAT coming.

(Sam scrambles back to her feet in time to see Joey throwing a right hand at her. Sam ducks the right hand, kicks Joey in the gut, and drills him with a DDT. Joey is able to roll outside in pain. Sam, meanwhile, notices that Logan is just now trying to get back to his feet. So Sam climbs up to the top turnbuckle again and stands ready. Logan gets up and turns around and Sam then leaps off the top for a flying cross body block but her momentum carries her over and Logan lands on top of her.)

1…

2…

….3NOOO!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!

McMahon: A beautiful cross body block from the top from Sam but she still almost lost because of it.

Griffith: Those high risk moves more often than not come back and bite you in the ass.

Janelle: And again Michaels is out of the picture for the time being and we are left with Sam and Logan to fight it out.

(Sam and Logan get back to their feet at about the same time. Sam throws a right hand that staggers Logan. She throws another that staggers him again. She throws a third but this time it is blocked and Logan throws one of his own. Logan throws another right hand the staggers Sam back to the center of the ring. Logan then kicks Sam in the gut, hoists her up onto his shoulders, and drops her with Interception.)

McMahon: He nailed the Sam with the Interception!!!

Janelle: Now I KNOW its over!

Griffith: Goodbye, Sam!

(Logan goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…3NOOO!!!!!!! Sam shoots her right shoulder up off of the mat!

McMahon: How did she manage that?

Griffith: You’re askin’ me? I have no clue.

Janelle: Obviously we know Sam is very resilient. But even I am shocked to see her kick out of Interception!

(Logan looks perplexed. He pulls Sam to her feet and sets her up for another Interception but Sam wriggles free and then dropkicks Logan in the back, sending him into the ropes. Sam then charges him and nails a spinning heel kick, that knocks him through the ropes and to the outside. Sam then gets to her feet and waits as Logan gets to his. She then takes off running and leaps up and over the top rope for a suicide plancha over the top onto Logan.)

McMahon: Sam is putting her body on the line in hopes of retaining her title!

Griffith: Damn right she is. That was a major league gamble.

Janelle: And of course you never gamble, do you Jack?

Griffith: Uh….sure…..right.

(Sam slowly pulls herself up only to get kneed in the gut by Joey who then drags her over and smashes her face first into the steel steps. Joey then pulls Logan up to his feet and smashes him face first against the Spanish announce position. He does this several times before rolling Logan on top of the table. Joey joins him on top of the announce position and pulls him up to his feet and gets him set up for a suplex.)

McMahon: Oh no! Joey Michaels is getting ready to suplex Logan right here onto us!

Griffith: We’d better move!

Janelle: I’m with you!

(Joey attempts to lift him but Logan blocks it and then kicks Joey in the gut, hoists Joey onto his shoulders, and drills him through the American announce position with Interception.)

McMahon: And now Joey Michaels has more than likely been eliminated from this competition for good!

Griffith: I agree, Marty. I don’t see how there’s a way in hell Michaels will get back into this thing.

Janelle: He is unconscious right here at our feet!

(Logan slowly moves off of the Spanish announce position. He turns around to see Sam leaping off the top turnbuckle from the inside to the outside with a moonsault. Logan can’t move in time and he gets nailed by the moonsault.)

McMahon: Dear Lord! Samantha Raine taking another huge risk!

Griffith: One of these days its gonna bite her in the ass. Mark my words.

Janelle: Just not today. That was amazing!

(It takes Sam a bit longer this time to pull herself up. She gets Logan up as well and rolls him into the ring. She steps up onto the ring apron where she leaps up onto the top rope, springboards off the top, and drops a leg across Logan’s throat. Sam goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

….3NOOO!!!!!!!!! Logan gets his foot on the bottom rope!

McMahon: I really thought Sam had it right there!

Janelle: She did, but Logan was too close to the ropes.

Griffith: She’ll have to get him away from the ropes if she hopes to win.

(Sam steps outside and climbs back up to the top turnbuckle. Logan slowly gets to his feet and when he does, Sam leaps off and nails him with a top rope missile dropkick. Sam then runs off the ropes and nails him with a springboard moonsault for the cover.)

McMahon: Third time’s the charm for Raine.

1…

Janelle: It has to be over.

2…

Griffith: Stick a fork in him, he’s……

…3NOOO!!!!!!! Logan just barely gets a shoulder up!

(Sam, shocked that Logan kicked out, pulls him up to his feet and gets him set up for a piledriver but Logan counters with a back body drop. Sam scrambles to her feet and then charges Logan who catches her coming in with a Samoan drop. Logan pulls Sam back to her feet, whips her into the ropes, and delivers a high back body drop. Logan drops an elbow across the chest of Sam before going for the cover.)

1…

2…

…3NOOO!!!!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!

McMahon: And now Logan is back in charge.

Janelle: He needs to put Sam away but how does he do it?

Griffith: By continuing to pound away.

(Logan pulls Sam up to her feet and body slams her near a corner. Logan then hops up onto the second turnbuckle. Logan leaps off and drives his forearm and elbows onto her chin. Logan pulls Sam back up to her feet and delivers a snap suplex. Logan floats over into the cover.)

1…

2…

…3NOO!!!!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!

(Logan pulls Sam back up to her feet and whips her into the ropes and nails her with a tilt-a-whirl into a side slam. Logan goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…3NOOOOO!!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!

McMahon: Logan knows that victory is close.

Janelle: It is within his grasp, that’s why he’s keeping the pressure on.

Griffith: Going for quick covers like that don’t hurt nothin’ either.

(Logan pulls Sam back up to her feet but she immediately pokes him in his eyes. Sam uses martial arts kicks mixed in with a few right hands to back him up against the ropes. Sam then whips Logan into the ropes. Sam ducks her head early and Logan goes for a sunset flip but Sam rolls through, grabs Logan by his legs, and turns him over into a boston crab.

McMahon: What a counter by Samantha Raine!

Janelle: From out of nowhere she clamps on the very painful boston crab.

(Sam keeps the boston crab locked in tight while she yells “ask him” at the top of her lungs. The referee gets into position to ask Logan if he wishes to tap out but Logan shakes his head, refusing to give up.)

McMahon: Normally one would expect Logan to get out of this pretty quickly since he is much bigger and stronger than Sam.

Janelle: Good point and that illustrates how fatigued he is.

Griffith: But Sam is just as fatigued. How long can she hold on?

(Logan begins to fight on towards the bottom rope. Logan gets within rich and in fact his fingertips do touch but Sam immediately drags him back out to the center.)

McMahon: What a brilliant move by Sam!

Griffith: Now there’s nowhere to go.

Janelle: Don’t count out Logan, guys. I think he can pull through.

(Logan again begins to fight back towards the bottom rope. After about ten seconds he finally reaches the bottom ropes, forcing Sam to break the hold. Sam holds on for a few more seconds before finally breaking. Sam then takes Logan, drags him out to the center of the ring, and attempts to lock it in again, but Logan counters with a small package.)

1…

2…

…..3NOOOO!!!!!!! Sam barely gets a shoulder up!

McMahon: Man oh man! Sam almost got caught!

Griffith: Lucky for her it didn’t end that way. She’d better pay more attention.

(Logan and Sam pop back up at about the same time and Logan puts Sam down with a hard clothesline. Unbeknownst to Logan, Joey Michaels has finally made it back into the ring. Joey uses the ropes to pull himself back up. Logan turns around to see Joey, so Logan walks in and backs Joey up into a nearby corner with right hands. Logan then mounts Joey in the corner and laces into him with more right hands. Logan hops down and lets Joey stagger out of the corner, at which point Logan kicks him in the gut and snaps off a DDT. Logan goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…3NOOOO!!!!! Joey gets a foot on the bottom rope!

McMahon: Logan again almost wins it.

Janelle: How is Joey Michaels even in this match after being drilled through our table?

Griffith: I don’t know how Joey got back in this thing but I bet he wishes he weren’t.

(Logan pulls Joey back up to his feet and snaps off another Interception, the fourth one of the night. Logan is about to go for the cover when Sam jerks Logan up off of Joey, kicks him in the gut, and drills Logan with Acid Rain! Sam goes for the cover!)

1…

2…

…3!

Jim Bishop: Ladies and gentlemen, LOGAN has been eliminated!

McMahon: We’re down to Joey Michaels and Sam Raine.

(Sam quickly takes him back down with yet another dropkick to his knee. This time Joey Michaels is much slower getting back to his feet while the devious Sam stalks him from behind with a chop block. Sam lifts up the left leg of Joey Michaels and attempts to lock in a figure four leg lock but Joey Michaels is able to kick her off and she slams into he the tope turnbuckle face first. Sam turns around and charges Joey Michaels, who easily takes advantage of the emotional challenger by drop toe holding her.)

Jack Griffith: Sam’s beautiful face slammed into the turnbuckle and then into the mat!

Marty McMahon: This isn’t ballet.

(Sam scrambles to her feet quickly but Joey Michaels is to his fee first. Sam swings at Joey Michaels with a right hand but Joey Michaels easily blocks it and then scoops Sam up and body slams her to the mat. Sam pops back up again and again gets body slammed to the mat, only this time Joey Michaels follows up with an elbow drop to the mid section.)

Jack Griffith: Now Michaels is taking over.

Marty McMahon: Now we shall see how resilient Sam is.

Janelle: Michaels had better watch out for her technical abilities.

(Joey Michaels pulls Sam off the mat and then whips her into the ropes. Sam rebounds off the ropes and Joey Michaels catches her in a vicious power slam. Joey Michaels goes for a cover.)

1…

2…

No! Sam just barely gets a shoulder up.

Marty McMahon: A two count, almost a three for Joey Michaels.

(Joey Michaels pulls Sam off the mat and whips her into the ropes, this time Joey Michaels ducks his head early and Sam makes him pay with a kick to the face. Sam then takes a few steps back and charges at Joey Michaels, only Michaels sees it coming and comes back with a vicious spine buster. Joey Michaels again goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

3 No! Sam barely gets a shoulder up.

(Joey Michaels gets back to his feet and begins to stalk Sam. Sam, thinking quickly, pokes the referee in the eyes and then she lands a low blow on Joey Michaels. Sam then hurls Joey Michaels to the outside.)

Marty McMahon: Now how fair was that? Sam hit a low blow on him!

Jack Griffith: Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat. It’s the Raine motto.

Janelle: Yeah, but it still doesn’t make it right. But then again, Michaels probably would’ve done the same damn thing.

(Sam grabs a steel chair and uses it against the knee of Joey Michaels. Sam then rolls the prone Joey Michaels into the ring and immediately locks in a figure four.)

Marty McMahon: Damn it! After Sam did the damage to Joey Michaels’s knee with the steel chair and steel steps, Sam is going to win this damn thing with the figure four!

Jack Griffith: It may not be right but its smart!

Janelle: Will Sam steal this match?

(Sam screams at Joey Michaels to tap out, but he refuses to. After a few seconds in this painful hold, Joey Michaels’s shoulders hit the mat ant the referee immediately begins to count.)

1…

2…

3No! Joey Michaels just barely gets a shoulder up.

Marty McMahon: The pain is so intense that Joey Michaels forgot his shoulders were down.

(Sam keeps the figure four locked in for a few more seconds while she continues to scream at him to tap out. Eventually Joey Michaels gets up enough strength to try and turn Sam over. After much strain, the challenger is able to turn her over, reversing the pressure onto Sam. Sam screams out in pain, but Sam pulls herself over to the bottom rope, undetected by the referee up until he sees Sam with the ropes and he forces Joey Michaels to break it.)

(Joey Michaels and Sam make it back to their feet at about the same time. Sam swings at Joey Michaels but fails to connect with a right hand, instead Joey Michaels blocks it and lifts Sam up and gorilla press slams her to the mat. Sam pops back up, holding her gut in pain, but she is immediately knocked back down with a strong clothesline. Sam again pops back up, only this time Joey Michaels connects with a fisherman suplex pinning combination.)

1…

2…

3NOOO! Joey Michaels kicks out.

Marty McMahon: What a contest! If only Sam would play fair.

(Sam slaps the mat in frustration and immediately pulls Joey Michaels up, setting him for another Bear Market, but this time Joey Michaels drops down to a seated position, hitting Sam with a jawbreaker. Joey Michaels then pulls Sam up and connects with a superkick. Joey Michaels gets up and tries to deck Sam with a right hand. Unfortunately, for Joey Michaels this has given Sam enough time to recover. Sam grabs Joey Michaels and rolls him up in a school boy roll-up, hooking the tights for extra leverage.)

1…

2…

3NO! Joey Michaels kicks out!

(Joey Michaels pops back up. Sam and Joey Michaels tie up in a collar and elbow tie up. Both competitors jockey for position and eventually Joey Michaels gains an advantage and locks Sam in a side headlock. Joey Michaels keeps the hold locked in for several seconds until Sam breaks the hold by shoving Joey Michaels off into the ropes. Joey Michaels comes back at Sam and drops her with a hard shoulder block. Joey Michaels runs off the ropes, Sam scrambles back to her feet in time to leap frog over the top of a charging Joey Michaels, and Joey Michaels then rebounds off the other side of the ropes, comes back at Sam, who catches him in a deep arm drag into an arm bar. Sam keeps the arm bar locked in for about ten seconds before Joey Michaels is finally able to fight his way back up to his feet. Joey Michaels then counters the arm bar into a hammerlock on Sam. The hammerlock is kept applied for about ten seconds until Sam breaks it with several elbow shots to Joey Michaels’ head. Sam then runs off the ropes and comes back at Joey Michaels only to get taken down by a huge hip toss. Sam scrambles back to her feet and charges Joey Michaels only to get nailed with another hip toss. Sam scrambles back to her feet for a third time and again charges Joey Michaels only this time to get caught by a deep arm drag into an arm bar. Sam struggles in the arm bar but is unable to force her way back up. After about ten seconds Sam reaches up with her free hand and pokes Joey Michaels in his exposed eyes, forcing the break. Sam scrambles back to her feet while Joey Michaels staggers back up to his. Sam charges Joey Michaels and then leaves her feet, taking Joey Michaels down with a flying forearm smash. Sam scrambles back up to her feet while Joey Michaels rolls over to the ropes and uses them to pull himself up to his feet. Sam then charges Joey Michaels but Joey Michaels sees her coming, ducks his head, and back body drops Sam over the top rope and to the outside.)

Marty McMahon: Joey Michaels just sent Sam over the top!

Janelle: This isn’t an area where Sam should be in. An amazingly talented technical wrestler like herself should keep this match in the ring.

Jack Griffith: Don’t forget, Janelle, that Sam is a pretty damn good rule breaker.

(Joey Michaels goes out after Sam. Joey Michaels pulls Sam up to her feet and smashes her face first into the ring apron. Joey Michaels then takes Sam and viciously whips her into the steel steps. Joey Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet and rolls her back into the ring. Joey Michaels steps back in the ring where he is met by the referee, who admonishes him for attacking her on the outside. Joey Michaels shoves the referee down; unfortunately this gives Sam just enough time to use a roll of quarters she produced from her cleavage and use it against the head of Joey Michaels, bringing him down to his knees. Sam quickly gets rid of the roll of quarters before the referee can get turned around. Sam then stands ready and waiting for Joey Michaels to get back to his feet and when he does Sam takes his right leg out from under him with a chop block. Sam waits for Joey Michaels to pull himself back up before nailing yet another chop block to his right leg. Sam then takes Joey Michaels’ right leg, drapes it across the bottom rope, leaps up into the air, and drops her entire body weight across the right leg of Joey Michaels. Sam repeats this process three more times. Sam drapes his right leg across the bottom rope for a fifth time but when she leaps up into the air, Joey Michaels is able to get his foot up and kicks her over the top and to the outside, giving himself a momentary reprieve. Joey Michaels uses the ropes to try and pull himself back up. Joey Michaels makes it back up but is met by Sam, who leaps up onto the ring apron and drops down for a hangman on Joey Michaels. Joey Michaels goes back down to the mat.)

Marty McMahon: What a beautiful hangman from Samantha Raine.

Janelle: She is doing what she has to do to win.

Jack Griffith: And expect her to do much more. This guy has made her life a living hell and I honestly don’t expect her to play fair tonight. She’s going to go in there looking to hurt him.

(Sam, still on the outside, reaches in and grabs Joey Michaels by his right leg and drags him over to a nearby steel ring post. Sam takes the right leg of Joey Michaels and viciously slams it up against the steel ring post. Despite the referee’s warning, Sam does so again. Sam then takes the right leg of Joey Michaels and wraps him up in a figure four on the steel ring post.)

Marty McMahon: You weren’t kidding, were you Griffith?

Janelle: A figure four on the ring post! And blatantly in front of the referee!

Jack Griffith: I told you guys. Sam isn’t just looking to win this match. She’s looking to hurt Joey Michaels.

(The referee begins to admonish Sam and demands that she break the hold. When she refuses, he begins to count. Sam breaks the hold at the count of four. Sam climbs back into the ring, drags Joey Michaels out to the center of the ring, and locks his right leg up in a leg grapevine. The referee is right there to see if Joey Michaels submits but he refuses. Sam screams at Joey Michaels to give up but Joey Michaels does not and instead begins to crawl towards the ropes, dragging himself and Sam. Finally, after about twenty seconds, Joey Michaels reaches the bottom rope. Sam breaks the hold, drags Joey Michaels out to the center of the ring, and goes for a figure four, but as Sam goes to make the turn, Joey Michaels kicks her in the butt, causing Sam to fly forward and her shoulder slams into the steel ring post. Joey Michaels makes his way back up at about the same time as Sam finally gets up after hitting the steel ring post with her shoulder. Sam turns and charges Joey Michaels but Joey Michaels sees her coming and nails her with a flapjack. Joey Michaels staggers his way back up to his feet, as does Sam. Sam approaches Joey Michaels, only to get kicked in the gut and then nailed with an arm bar take down. Joey Michaels then goes right back on the offensive by locking Sam’s now hurt arm up in a fujiwara arm bar.)

Marty McMahon: Joey Michaels now with the advantage and a fujiwara arm bar.

Janelle: Ironic. Usually Sam is the one who works over the arm.

Jack Griffith: Smart wrestling by Joey Michaels.

(The referee asks Sam if she submits but she shakes her head and utters the word “no.” Joey Michaels keeps the holds locked in tightly for about fifteen seconds until Sam finally is able to reach over with her legs and touch the bottom rope, forcing a break. Joey Michaels pulls Sam up to her feet, whips her into the ropes, and takes her down with a deep arm drag into an arm bar. The hold remains applied for fifteen seconds until Sam finally fights her way back to her feet. Sam then counters the arm bar into a hammerlock on Joey Michaels. This doesn’t long, however, before Joey Michaels counters back into a hammerlock on Sam and then Joey Michaels lifts her up and drops her for a hammerlock style belly to back suplex type move. Joey Michaels then goes back to the fujiwara arm bar.)

Marty McMahon: And Joey Michaels goes right back to the fujiwara arm bar.

Janelle: This shows me that whether or not you like Joey Michaels, he is a darned good wrestler.

(Sam fights to keep her arm from being hyper-extended but this is a very difficult task considering the strength of Joey Michaels. After about twenty seconds Sam is able to make it back to her knees. Sam then uses her free arm to pound away at Joey Michaels’ head, eventually forcing him to break the hold. Sam then scrambles back to her feet and charges off the ropes, hoping to catch Joey Michaels off guard, but Joey Michaels makes it back to his feet and catches Sam in a huge Samoan drop. Joey Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet and whips her into the ropes. Joey Michaels ducks his head early and Sam makes him pay first with a swift kick to his face and then followed up by a low dropkick to his right leg.)

Marty McMahon: Did you see how quickly Sam took advantage of Joey Michaels ducking his head?

Janelle: That’ll teach him to make mistakes like that.

Jack Griffith: That dropkick was a thing of beauty, much like Sam.

(Sam staggers back up to her feet at about the same time as Joey Michaels. Sam then nails his right leg with a chop block, bringing him back down to the mat. Sam then takes Joey Michaels by his right leg, drags him back out to the center of the ring, and proceeds to drop several elbows in a row onto his right leg. Sam then gets up and proceeds to stomp away at Joey Michaels’ right leg. Sam turns Joey Michaels over so he is laying face first on the mat. Sam then raises his right leg up high in the air and slams it down on the mat. Sam takes his right leg and again raises it high in the air and slams it down on the mat. Sam does this one more time before taking Joey Michaels, dragging him out to the center of the ring, and locking him up in a figure four.)

Marty McMahon: The figure four is now locked in!

Janelle: This is a time tested submission move that few men can withstand.

Jack Griffith: But is Joey Michaels an ordinary man?

(Sam smirks arrogantly as she looks on at Joey Michaels who is in obvious pain. Sam demands that he tap out but he refuses. After about twenty seconds the pain becomes so much that Joey Michaels just collapses and forgets his shoulders are down. The referee begins to count.)

1….

…..2….

……3NOOOO!!!!! Joey Michaels realized that his shoulders were down and quickly gets them up at the last second!

Marty McMahon: Joey Michaels is in so much pain that he forgot his shoulders were down.

Janelle: That’s what’s real deadly about this hold. Not could you tap out to it but you could get pinned.

Jack Griffith: I think Sam may have this one in the bag, gentlemen.

(Sam, wanting to taunt Joey Michaels, slaps him in the face a few times. Joey Michaels, however, uses this as motivation and begins to try and turn Sam over. Finally, after about ten more seconds of fighting and struggling, Joey Michaels turns Sam over onto her stomach, effectively reversing the pressure of the figure four. Unfortunately for him, however, the turn put them real close to the ropes and Sam is able to quickly grab the bottom ropes, forcing the break.)

Marty McMahon: That figure four has been broken but has it done its damage to Joey Michaels?

Janelle: It certainly has. Just look at him…..he has to use the rope to get back up.

Jack Griffith: Now Sam will take him apart.

(Joey Michaels makes it back to his feet using the ropes but Sam takes him right back down with another chop block to his right leg. Sam then takes Joey Michaels by his right leg, drags him out to the center of the ring, and attempts to lock in another figure four, but Joey Michaels counters into a small package.)

1…

2…….

…………3NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Sam just barely kicks out!

Marty McMahon: Now THAT was close!

Janelle: Sam can’t believe it but she almost lost her title there.

Jack Griffith: I can’t believe Joey Michaels pulled that one out.

(Sam quickly scrambles back to her feet and is shocked that she almost got beat there. She walks in towards Joey Michaels, who has now made it to his knees. She attempts to go on the offensive but Joey Michaels stops her with a blow to her mid-section. Joey Michaels then gets back up and nails her with another right hand, this one backing her up against the ropes. Joey Michaels then whips Sam into the ropes and takes her down with a high back body drop. Sam scrambles back up to her feet but is met by Joey Michaels, who backs her up into a corner with several right hands in a row. Joey Michaels then aggressively whips Sam into the opposite corner. Joey Michaels follows her in with a big splash on Sam in the corner. Joey Michaels lets Sam stumble out of the corner before he nails her with an arm bar take down. Joey Michaels then locks Sam up in her own finisher, Rainy Season.)

Marty McMahon: Good Lord! Joey Michaels has Sam locked up in her own hold!

Janelle: I can’t believe Joey Michaels is doing this!

Jack Griffith: He’s gonna tear her arm out of its socket!

(The referee gets down to see if Sam submits but she refuses. Sam fights and claws and struggles to try and get to the bottom rope. After about twenty seconds, Sam does finally reach the bottom rope, but Joey Michaels takes Sam, jerks her back to the center of the ring, and then reapplies Rainy Season. Sam still refuses to tap and suffers in the hold fifteen more seconds until Sam uses what strength she has left to roll through Rainy Season until she is on top of Joey Michaels with his shoulders pinned to the mat.)

1…

….2….

……..3NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Joey Michaels breaks the hold just before the three count is registered!

Marty McMahon: What a brilliant move by Samantha Raine.

Janelle: She knew if she were to get over on top of Joey Michaels, he would be forced to either release the hold or get pinned.

(Sam and Joey Michaels make it back to their feet at about the same time. Sam charges Joey Michaels and goes for a clothesline but Joey Michaels ducks, spins Sam around, kicks her in the gut, and nails her with a flip pile driver. Joey Michaels immediately goes for the cover.)

1…

……..2

…………3NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!

Marty McMahon: My God did you see that flip pile driver?!

Janelle: I did but can you believe she kicked out?!

Jack Griffith: I don’t know how she did it but I do know Sam’s in trouble now.

(Joey Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet and gets her in position for another flip pile driver but Sam stops the attempt with several forearm shots to the right leg of Joey Michaels. Joey Michaels releases Sam, who spins him around and drops him with the Acid Rain. Sam then gets crouched down low and begins to stalk Joey Michaels as he slowly begins to pull himself up. Joey Michaels gets up, turns around to face Sam, and Sam then leaps up to her feet and nails Joey Michaels with Rainy Days.

1….

2….

…………3NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joey Michaels got a shoulder up!!!!!!!!!

(Sam gets up and is about to go crazy. She confronts the referee, grabbing him the collar of his shirt and backing him up into the corner, demanding to know what happened. This gives Joey Michaels enough time to recover. Sam finally begins backing away from the referee but then Joey Michaels dropkicks her from behind and sends her crashing into the referee, who gets sandwiched between Sam and the corner. Sam turns around into Joey Michaels, who kicks her in the gut and nails her with another flip pile driver. Joey Michaels looks down at Sam and then over at the referee and then instead of going for the cover, Joey Michaels goes to the outside of the ring and brings out a ladder and slides it into the ring.)

Marty McMahon: The referee is out of it, which means these two can do whatever they want to each other, including using this ladder!

Janelle: Joey Michaels has some bad intentions with that ladder.

Jack Griffith: I think he wants to hurt Sam just as badly as Sam wants to hurt him.

(Joey Michaels sets the ladder up. Joey Michaels climbs up the ladder slowly but surely. Joey Michaels then eyes his target, Sam, who is still on the mat. Joey Michaels then leaps off the top of the ladder, going for a double flipping shooting star press, but Sam quickly pulls the referee over on top of her and Joey Michaels lands on the referee who was on top of Sam.)

Marty McMahon: MY GOD! Joey Michaels took a huge risk and nailed the referee AND Sam!

Janelle: What athleticism!

Jack Griffith: You two are talking about how great Joey Michaels is, but what about the intelligence of Sam? She knew she couldn’t get out of the way in time but she did pull the referee over on top of her so that he’d take the brunt of the blow!

(Joey Michaels rolls the referee off of Sam before pulling Sam up to her feet and body slamming her hard onto the mat. Joey Michaels takes the ladder down and slams it hard on the prone body of Sam. Joey Michaels then takes the ladder and drops it outside. Joey Michaels then goes outside and retrieves a steel chair and brings it into the ring. Joey Michaels grabs Sam by her hair and pulls her back to her knees. Joey Michaels then takes the steel chair, rears back, but before he can swing Sam lands a low blow.)

Marty McMahon: A low blow from Samantha Raine!

Janelle: That low blow just saved her!

Jack Griffith: This is no longer a wrestling match. This is a fight.

(Sam picks up the steel chair and waits for Joey Michaels to get back to his feet. Joey Michaels gets back to his feet and Sam nails him in the head with a steel chair shot. Sam takes the steel chair again and demands that Joey Michaels get back up. Joey Michaels pulls himself back up to his knees and Sam nails him a second time in the head with the steel chair.)

Marty McMahon: Good God almighty! Sam has gone crazy!

Janelle: And with the referee down its all legal.

Jack Griffith: And she aint through.

(Sam stands waiting as Joey Michaels slowly pulls himself back up using the ropes. Joey Michaels turns around and staggers towards Sam only to get nailed in the head for a third time with a steel chair shot.)

Marty McMahon: Joey Michaels has taken three chair shots to the skull!

Janelle: How much more can he take?

Jack Griffith: He’s gotta have a concussion.

(Sam walks over with a purpose with steel chair in hand to the fallen Joey Michaels. She rears back with the chair but before she can come down with it, Joey Michaels kicks her in the gut, causing her to drop the chair. Joey Michaels rolls over onto his stomach and then pulls himself up to his knees. By this time Sam has shaken the cobwebs loose and again charges with the chair but this time Joey Michaels punches her in the mid-section and follows it up with an uppercut, again causing her to drop the chair. Joey Michaels reaches over and grabs the chair. Joey Michaels gets back to his feet and then when Sam turns around he levels her with a steel chair shot to her skull.)

Marty McMahon: DID YOU HEAR THAT SHOT?!

Janelle: Did I ever!!!!!

Jack Griffith: Sam went down like a ton of bricks!

(Joey Michaels gets rid of the steel chair when he notices that the referee is finally beginning to stir. A close up view reveals that Sam has been busted wide open due to the shot from the steel chair. Joey Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet, whips her into the ropes, and then nails a tilt-a-whirl into a power bomb. Joey Michaels goes for the cover just as the referee finally recovers.)

1…

………..2

………………3NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!!!!!!!!

(Joey Michaels gets up and heads to a nearby corner where he props up on the second turnbuckle. Joey Michaels waits as Sam slowly tries to get back to her feet. Sam finally makes it back to her feet and turns around and then Joey Michaels leaps off the second turnbuckle but Sam catches his legs and puts him down back first on the mat, Sam then steps in between his legs and turns him over into the sharpshooter.)

Marty McMahon: The sharpshooter!

Jack Griffith: It has to be over now!

Janelle: Raine is a bloody mess and she probably has a concussion but by God she has the sharpshooter locked in on this Joey Michaels!

(Joey Michaels fights and claws in the hold for several seconds but refuses to tap, despite Sam’s screaming at the top of her lungs demanding him to tap. After about twenty five seconds Joey Michaels is within a fingertip of the bottom rope and it is at that point that Sam drags Joey Michaels back out to the center of the ring. Sam smiles evilly, thinking she has the win in the bag. After five more seconds Joey Michaels reaches underneath him and Sam grabs her legs and jerks hard pulling down to the canvass. Joey Michaels, still with Sam’s legs in his grip, then sits up on Sam, locking in a sharpshooter of his own.)

Marty McMahon: Did you see that?! Joey Michaels just reversed the sharpshooter!

Janelle: I saw it but I don’t believe it!

Jack Griffith: Joey Michaels turned the tables on Raine.

(Sam is now the one screaming in pain while the referee asks if she submits. Sam refuses to give up as she begins to fight her way towards the bottom rope. Finally, after about twenty seconds, Sam reaches the bottom rope. Joey Michaels breaks the hold and pulls Sam up to her feet. Joey Michaels whips her into the ropes but he ducks his head too early and Sam is then able to nail him with a DDT for his troubles. Sam then pulls Joey Michaels up to his feet and nails him with Sam’s Domesticator (reverse DDT). Sam goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…………3NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Joey Michaels again gets a shoulder up!

Marty McMahon: Sam has hit Joey Michaels with multiple chair shots, she has used the sharpshooter and the figure four against him, and none of it has been effective.

Janelle: Not to mention three chair shots to his head!

Jack Griffith: What is this Joey Michaels guy made out of?

(Sam is now showing extreme signs of frustration, obviously wondering what she must do to beat Joey Michaels tonight. Sam then hops up on the second turnbuckle of a nearby corner. She then leaps off only to have Joey Michaels put his foot up and drive it into the jaw of Sam, knocking her back into the corner. Joey Michaels then slowly gets back to his feet as Sam shakes the cobwebs from her head. Sam then staggers towards Joey Michaels, who then kicks her in the gut and nails her with a snap suplex. Joey Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet, whips her into the ropes, and nails her with a tilt-a-whirl into a side slam. Joey Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet, kicks her in the gut, and nails her with a swinging neck breaker. Joey Michaels goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

……….3NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!

(Joey Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet and whips her into a nearby corner. Joey Michaels follows her in with a big stinger splash. Joey Michaels then lets Sam stumble out of the corner before he nails her with a bulldog take down. Joey Michaels goes for a cover.)

1…

2…

…………3NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sam gets a foot on the bottom rope!

(Joey Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet and brings her over to a corner where he hoists her up and sets her on the top. Joey Michaels then joins her at the top where he hooks her in a front facelock and then takes her down with a top rope superplex.)

Marty McMahon: Superplex! Joey Michaels just nailed a superplex!

Janelle: If he can just make the cover, we’ll have a winner!

Jack Griffith: Yeah but he’s just as hurt and fatigued as Sam.

(Both competitors are down as the referee begins to administer the count.)

1!

2!

3!

(Neither competitors moves a muscle.)

4!

5!

6!

(Sam still remains flat on her back but Joey Michaels begins to show signs of life.)

7!

8!

9!

(Joey Michaels finally turns over, placing an arm across Sam’s chest for the cover.)

1……

2……

……….3NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!!!!!!!!!

Marty McMahon: Even though you can’t see his face, you have to believe that Joey Michaels is beginning to feel frustrated.

Janelle: He has to be! Look at what all he has done to Sam thus far and yet he cannot seem to put her away.

Jack Griffith: That just shows you the heart and desire of Samantha Raine.

(Joey Michaels uses the ropes to pull himself back up and then he pulls Sam back up to her feet. Joey Michaels whips her into the ropes and then extends his arm for a clothesline attempt but Sam counters it and instead nails a float over into a DDT on Joey Michaels. Sam then shocks the arena when she suddenly nips up.)

Marty McMahon: Sam nipped up!

Janelle: Where’d she get that from?

Jack Griffith: I have no clue. I thought her and Joey Michaels were running on fumes.

(Sam glares angrily out at the crowd and tells everyone that it is all over for Joey Michaels. Sam crouches down low as she prepares for yet another Bitter Pill. Joey Michaels slowly but surely pulls himself back up to his feet, all the while Sam remains crouched down like a snake in the grass. Joey Michaels finally makes it back to his feet, turns around to face Sam, who then leaps up to her feet and goes for an rko but Joey Michaels counters by shoving her off into the ropes. Sam comes back off the ropes at Joey Michaels and she leaps up to her feet and goes for a hurricinrana. Sam nails the hurricinrana and holds onto Joey Michaels’ legs for the cover.)

1…

2…

3! Joey Michaels kicks out!

(Michaels pops back up. Sam and Michaels tie up in the center of the ring and Sam goes right into an arm wringer on Michaels. Michaels writhes in pain for several seconds but eventually is able to reverse the arm wringer into a hammerlock on Sam. Sam counters into a hammerlock of her own which she keeps locked in for about fifteen seconds until Michaels is able to break the hold with elbow shots to Sam’s head. Michaels then kicks Sam in the gut, gets her in a front face lock, and goes for a suplex but Sam floats over to behind Michaels and then lands a dropkick to Michaels’s arm and shoulder area. This brings Michaels down to his knees. Sam lands yet another dropkick to Michaels’s arm and shoulder area that finally puts Michaels down on the mat. Sam then applies a fujiwara arm bar to Michaels.)

Jack Griffith: I always knew Michaels was a damn sissy. He shouldn’t be letting a woman beat him up like this.

Marty McMahon: Oh shut your trap, Jack. You know as well as I do that Sam is mean enough to get it done in that ring.

Janelle: She’s mean and she has the technical ability to back it up. She is one of the best if not THE best technical wrestler in GDW today and what she is doing is picture perfect wrestling, she is focusing on the arm of Joey Michaels.

(The fujiwara arm bar is kept locked in for about twenty seconds until Michaels finally powers his way back up to his feet. He breaks the hold with punches to Sam’s face. Michaels then gets her off balance with more right hands. Michaels then runs off the ropes but Sam ducks under his clothesline attempt, spins him around, kicks him in the gut, and drops him with an arm bar takedown. Sam immediately reapplies the fujiwara arm bar.)

Janelle: There’s that fujiwara arm bar again.

Marty McMahon: You gotta hand it to Sam. She is putting on a clinic for Michaels right now.

Jack Griffith: I don’t have to hand her anything……except for maybe my phone number.

(The referee asks Michaels if he wants to submit but he refuses. After about twenty-five seconds of being locked in the fujiwara arm bar, Michaels finally is able to crawl over and reach the bottom rope with his legs, forcing Sam to break the hold. Sam takes Michaels’s arm, drapes it across the bottom rope, leaps up into the air, and drops all of her weight across his arm. Sam repeats this process three more times before applying another arm bar. Twenty seconds pass by before Joey Michaels finally is able to fight back up to his feet. Michaels then backs Sam into the ropes where he breaks the hold with punches from his free arm. Michaels then attempts to whip Sam into the ropes but Sam reverses and then catches Michaels with a deep arm drag into an arm bar. Twenty more seconds pass and Michaels refuses to quit and he eventually is able to fight back to his feet. Sam then switches up into a hammer lock. The hammerlock is kept locked in for about ten seconds until Michaels reverses into a hammerlock of his own and then he releases the hold so that he can take Sam from behind and drop her on the back of her head with a belly to back suplex.)

Jack Griffith: Its about time Michaels did something right. He was making men around the world look bad.

Janelle: Michaels is a former world champion and he knows that this may be his only opportunity to take advantage.

Marty McMahon: But despite what Jack says, Sam is good, and she has hurt his arm and shoulder. Can Michaels capitalize?

(Sam and Michaels get back up at about the same time. Sam walks into a boot to the gut from Michaels. Michaels then gets her in a front face lock and drops her with a snap suplex. Both Michaels and Sam pop up rather quickly but Michaels is able to back Sam up into the ropes with right hands. Michaels then whips Sam into the ropes and drops her with a dropkick as she comes back at him. Sam scrambles back up to her feet and charges Michaels only to have Michaels nail her with a deep arm drag into an arm bar.)

Janelle: The roles have been reversed and Joey Michaels has taken over on Samantha Raine.

Marty McMahon: For the time being, anyway.

Jack Griffith: It’s about time.

(Michaels’s arm bar is kept locked in for about twenty seconds until Sam is able to fight her way back up to her feet. Sam then counters into a hammerlock on Michaels. The hammerlock is kept locked in for about ten seconds until Michaels breaks it with elbow shots to Sam’s head. Michaels then takes Sam, whips her into the ropes, and takes her down with a high back body drop. Sam scrambles back up to her feet only to get locked up in a front face lock and then get put down by a delayed vertical suplex. Michaels covers Sam.)

1…

2……NO! Sam gets a shoulder up!

(Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet and whips her into a nearby corner. Michaels charges in after her but Sam moves out of the way and Michaels hits sternum first in the turnbuckle. Sam attempts to charge in after him then but Michaels sees her coming and ducks so that he can scoop her up and hit her with a version of snake eye’s across the top turnbuckle pad. Michaels then delivers a reverse DDT on Sam. Michaels immediately goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

….3NO! Sam gets her foot on the bottom rope!

Janelle: Joey Michaels is keeping the burner turned up on Raine.

Marty McMahon: He can’t stop now, Janelle. He needs to keep the pace fast, keep Sam off balance, and if he does that he’ll win.

Jack Griffith: If he were any MAN he’d have already beat Sam long ago.

(Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet and whips her into the ropes. Michaels catches her coming back with a high back body drop. Sam pulls herself back up to her feet only to get nailed with a superkick from Joey Michaels that causes her to fall out to the outside. Michaels goes out after her. Michaels pulls Sam back up to her feet and rolls her back into the ring. Michaels pulls her back up to her feet but Sam has been playing possum and she immediately nails him with another arm bar takedown.)

Marty McMahon: OUCH!

Janelle: Sam takes that arm and shoulder down yet again!

Jack Griffith: Oh for goodness sakes, Michaels! Fight like a man!

(Sam slowly gets up to her feet using the ropes. Michaels is still on the mat, writhing in pain. Sam pulls Michaels back up to his feet and whips him into the ropes but Sam ducks her head early and Michaels makes her pay by putting on the breaks just as he gets up to Sam, putting her ducked head in between his legs, and drilling her down onto the mat with a power bomb. Michaels goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…….3NOOO!!!!! Sam slips the shoulder out at the last possible second!

Janelle: What a power bomb! How in the hell did Sam kick out of that?

Marty McMahon: I got no damn clue, Janelle.

Jack Griffith: She may not last much longer. Michaels says this one’s over.

(Michaels waits for Sam to recover. Sam slowly gets back up to her knees and Michaels charges over and nails her with Joey Effect. Michaels goes for the cover.)

1…

2…

…….3NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Sam gets a shoulder up!

(Joey goes for one more Joey Effect but Sam counters with a face buster. Sam then delivers the Raine Drop! Sam goes into the cover.)

1….

2…

…3!

Jim Bishop: Ladies and gentlemen Joey Michaels has been eliminated. Therefore the winner of the 2010 GDW Civil War Match, SAMANTHA RAINE!!!!!

Marty McMahon: That’s it! SAM WINS!

Janelle: She came back! She returned tonight, defeated Cyanide and she won the Civil War Match! She now will main event Wrestlecade VII, facing the world heavyweight champion!

Jack Griffith: I demand a recount.

Janelle: Sorry Jack, no recounts.

Marty McMahon: Logan Wolfe will be facing the Fever Television Champion somewhere down the road and Joey Michaels will face the Revolution Champion but more importantly Samantha Raine has earned a date with destiny. She will go to the main event of Wrestlecade VII to compete for the World Heavyweight Title.

February 16, 2010

World E-Wrestling Tag Team Top 15

World E-Wrestling Top 15 Tag Teams
1. 27.2 The Anthology(Jared Wells & Copycat)- Empire Pro Wrestling
2. 26.2 Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfenden)- All-Star Championship Wrestling
3. 20.2 Team Danger(Stephen Greer/Johnny Lightning)- Appalachian, WfWA
4. 19.2 The Royal Family(Jimmy Dean/Chad Evans)- Wrestling Championship Federation
5. 18.2 ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido/’American Citizen’ Kevin Scott- Political Championship Wrestling
5. 18.2 Jeremiah & Valerie (Lamb) Belmont- Sin City Wrestling, Pro Wrestling X
-The Anthology move ahead after defeating The Fallen at Aggression 50. Vox Nihili jumps to #2 and win the ACW Tag Team belts after defeating the Heirs of Wrestling at ACW Courage 103. The Royal Family jumps up to #4 from #13 after consecutive victories in WCF. Escondido/Scott have been steady for several months at the low end of the top 5. The Belmonts debut at #5 after winning the top tag team titles in SCW and PWX.

7. 16.2 The Grady Bunch(Terry Spruhen/Jared Borchard)-Dream Wrestling Federation
8. 15.0 Heirs of Wrestling(Ryan Gallway & Frank Pierce)- ACW, EPW
9. 14.0 The Entourage (Spike Saunders/Callie Urban)- Fans World Organization
10. 13.2 Damage Inc.(Dante/Jared Baker)- Millennium Wrestling Alliance
-The Gradys fall from the top spot after a tough loss to the Foreshadowing at WfWA Tag Wars I. The Heirs of Wrestling lose their title and top 5 spot after Vox Nihili defeat them for the ACW Tag Title. Damage Inc., from Millennium Wrestling Alliance, breaks into the top 10.

11. 12.2 Steve Studnuts/Zeleos- Xtreme World Wrestling
11. 12.2 Ambrosia/Vitriol- Motor City Wrestling
13. 12.0 The Foreshadowing(Tom Sawyer/Lucas Harper)- Defiance
14. 11.2 Twisted Reality(Scottywood/Cancer Jiles)- High Octane Wrestling
15. 11.0 Egg Bandits(Doozer/Cancer Jiles)- DWF
-Defiance Wrestling’s The Foreshadowing debut in the top 15 this week after their win over then #1 The Grady Bunch.

World E-Wrestling Rankings

World E-Wrestling Single’s Top 30
1. 54.2 Shawn Jessica Hart – Empire Pro Wrestling, New Era, All-Star Championship Wrestling
2. 53.2 Level One- Action Packed Wrestling
3. 44.1 Alexia- Viking Wrestling Federation
4. 42.2 Valora Salinas- Wrestling Midwest
5. 38.2 Alias – ACW
-SJH leapfrogs Level One and retakes the #1 spot in the Top 30. Valora Salinas closes in on #3 Alexia. Alias also closes the gap on #3.

6. 37.2 Chester Addison- High Impact Wrestling
6. 37.2 Bryan Payne- Sin City Wrestling
8. 31.2 Jim Rooster- Genesis Pro
9. 26.2 Hell- Pure Wrestling
10. 26.1 Johnny Styles- HIW
-Addison and Payne remain tied at #6 and are joined in the top 10 by Jim Rooster, Hell, and Johnny Styles. Rooster defeated former Genesis champion Ryan James at Genesis Pro’s Cold Snap PPV. Hell is simply dominating Pure Wrestling as their champion.

11. 25.1 Zoey Swan- Universal Wrestling Federation
11. 25.1 Hecate- WMW
13. 24.2 Joe the Plumber- New Frontier Wrestling
13. 24.2 Keith Scott Zimmerman -ACW
15. 24.1 Katherine Stryfe- HIW
-Swan moves up from #26 after picking up the UWF’s Prime Time title. After just missing the Top 30 last time, Hecate rides a PPV win over Damian Knight and a successful run as the Heartland’s champion to debut at #11. KSZ falls from #10 to #13 due to Styles, Swan, and Hecate passing him. Stryfe drops from #11 to #15…same reason.

16. 24.0 Myke Adams- Simcoe County
17. 23.2 ‘Triple X’ Sean Stevens- EPW
17. 23.2 Lane Stevens- Sin City Championship Wrestling
17. 23.2 Slickie T- Wrestling Championship Federation
20. 23.1 Muru- Dream Wrestling Federation
-Adams also falls victim to Styles, Swan, and Hecate’s jumping ahead on points. Sean Stevens moves up 11 places from #28 to rejoin the Top 20. Lane Stevens is the second new wrestler on the top 30, debuting at #17. Muru debuts at #20 after winning DWF Television Title.

21. 22.2 Cobra- Defiance WfWA
21. 22.2 The Human Highlight Reel” JGH- Total Annihilation Wrestling Alliance, RKW
23. 21.2 Cecile Lecrux- Siberian Wrestling
23. 21.2 Mr. Fantastic- VWF
25. 20.0 Kirsta Lewis – High Octane Wrestling, Championship Wrestling Association
-Cobra debuts at #21 after winning WfWA world title. JGH picked up two titles- one in TAWA and one in RKW and he also debuts at #21. Lecrux up one from last time. Mr. Fantastic down from #18 and Kirsta Lewis took a huge hit, dropping 17 places from #8.

26. 19.2 Brandon Youngblood- PRIME PTC
27. 19.1 Devin Dice- Championship Wrestling Organization
27. 19.1 Casey Pierro-Zabotel- DWF Hybrid Wrestling Organization
27. 19.1 Jake Wade- Xtreme World Wrestling
30. 18.2 Brad Jackson- Millennium Wrestling Alliance, Volatile Wrestling Alliance
30. 18.2 Jason Snow- PRIME * 18.2
-Devin Dice, CPZ, and Jake Wade debut at #27 this week. Jackson and Snow just barely hold on to their spots in the Top 30

February 10, 2010

World Women’s e-Wrestling Rankings

Filed under: Best of e-wrestling, EW Experts — WWR Staff @ 7:48 pm

1. 28.0 Alexia- Viking Wrestling Federation
2. 27.0 Valora Salinas- Wrestling Midwest
3. 22.0 Zoey Swan- Universal Wrestling Federation
4. 21.2 Evette- Championshp Wrestling Organization
4. 21.2 Miss USA- Missouri Valley Wrestling
6. 21.0 Cecile LeCrux- Siberian Wrestling
7. 20.2 Allison Cooper- Xtreme World Wrestling
8. 19.1 Lisa Richardson- Ring of Beauty
9. 19.0 Valerie Belmont- Sin City Wrestling Pro Wrestling X
10. 18.0 Scarlett Willis- Simcoe County
10. 18.0 Hecate- WMW
12. 17.2 Alexis Steele- SCW
12. 17.2 Heather Owens- Shootfire Pro Wrestling
14. 17.0 Kirsta Lewis- High Octane Wrestling
15. 15.2 Syn Skylar- Volatile Wrestling
16. 15.1 Bobbi Jackson- ROB
17. 15.0 Jade- WMW
18. 14.1 Crystal Hilton- ROB
19. 14.0 Ashley Riot- ROB
19. 14.0 Serena- UWF
21. 13.2 Sierra Browne- Dangerous Championship Wrestling League
22. 12.1 Erica Toughill- Shootfire
23. 11.0 Katherine Stryfe- High Impact Wrestling
23. 11.0 Darknyss- World Wrestling Generation
25. 10.2 Susan Rigger- ROB

February 3, 2010

Rankings for January

E-Wrestling Top 30

1. Level One- APW *         50.2
-L-1 back on top after successful title defense over Slade Craven at Action Packed Wrestling’s New Year’s Retribution show and then followed it up with a third place finish in the 39 person Survive and Conquer Royal Rumble.
2. Shawn Jessica Hart – LoC *  EPW ** WFW:NE *  ACW      44.2

3. Alexia- VWF **   44.1

-The Goddess picks up a victory with Jose Ramon over  Antonio Alves, Abbey Spears, David McCoy, SG Martins, Stu Who, Slade Craven and Sydney Laroux at the Experts Invitational V
4. Valora Salinas- WMW *  35.2

5. Alias – ACW  FWO *      34.2
6. Chester Addison- HIW *, TFWF         31.2

-Addison continues his rise up the rankings
6. Bryan Payne- SCW *      31.2

8. Kirsta Lewis – HOW       28
9. Joe the Plumber- NFW *          26.2
10. Keith Scott Zimmerman – FWO *   ACW      24.2

11. Katherine Stryfe- HIW **       24.1
12. Myke Adams- Simcoe County           24
-Adams lost Barbaric title to Aaron Blaize last night
13. Aceldama- HOW *       23.2

13. Hell- Pure Wrestling *  23.2
13. Slickie T- WCF *          23.2

-Won the Wrestling Championship Federation Title from Torture in a five way match with Jay Price, Creeping Death, Brad Kane, and Logan at WCF’s Ten Pay Per View
13. Jim Rooster- Genesis Pro *    23.2
17. Jason Snow- PRIME *  22.2

18. Mr. Fantastic- VWF*     21.2

19. Johnny Styles- HIW ** 21.1
20. Brandon Youngblood- PRIME   PTC*          20.2
-Youngblood picked up the PTC crown at PRIME’s Revolution 216 show and breaks into the top 20.
20. Tyrone Kidd- UWF *    20.2
22. Valerie (Lamb) Belmont- SCW **  PWX **  20.1
-Belmont now holds titles in both Sin City Wrestling and Pro Wrestling X
22. Crazyman aka Joel Bryant- TFWF ** 20.1
-Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation’s Hardcore Champ also moving up fast in the rankings.
24. Cecile Lecrux- Siberian Wrestling *   19.2
25. Victor Hades- APW ** 19.1
-Hades had a huge night at Action Packed Wrestling’s New Year’s Retribution show picking up the Overdrive title from Pence Weatherlight and then winning the Survive and Conquer Battle Royale.
26. Zoey Swan- UWF **    19.1
27. Serena- UWF     19
28. Cameron Cruise- EPW  NFW  A1E *  WFW:NE **  18.2
28. ‘Triple X’ Sean Stevens- EPW *         18.2
28. Brad Jackson- MWA *  PWX   18.2
-Jackson drops out of the top 15 after losing Pro Wrestling X title to Brian Hollywood.

E-Wrestling Tag Team Top 15

1. The Grady Bunch(Terry and Jared Grady)-DWF *    23.2
-The Gradys ended the Egg Bandits long run as Dream Wrestling’s Tag Team champions and then defeated the Chicken Chokers and Maverick Express at DWF’s Scrambled Dreams PPV.
2. The Anthology(Jared Wells & ???)- EPW *    22.2
-Larry Tact fired from Empire Pro Wrestling.  Who will be Jared Wells new partner?
3. Heirs of Wrestling(Ryan Gallway & Frank Pierce)- ACW *   16.2
4. Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfenden)- FWO 16
5. ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido/’American Citizen’ Kevin Scott- PCW * 15.2
6. Egg Bandits(Doozer/Cancer Jiles)- DWF        15
-Doozer and Jiles made up after their match at Dream’s Scrambled Dreams show.  Will the tag team continue?
7. Team Danger(Stephen Greer/Johnny Lightning)- WfWA  * Appalachian 14.2
7. Steve Studnuts/Zeleos- XWW * 14.2
-Studnuts and Zeleos successfully defend their tag team titles at Xtreme World Wrestling’s New Year’s Evolution show.
9. The Entourage (Spike Saunders/Callie Urban)- FWO         14
10. The Royal Family(Jimmy Dean/Chad Evans)- WCF *       13.2
-Defeated the New Confederacy(Johnny Reb/Doc Henry) for the Wrestling Championship Federation’s Tag Team Belts at the Ten Pay Per View
11. Twisted Reality(Scottywood/Cancer Jiles)- HOW * 12.2
11. Ambrosia/Vitriol- MCW *       12.2
11. Damage Inc.(Dante/Jared Baker)- MWA *   12.2
11. Gamblers Anonymous(Jacques Boyette/James Weston)- PrYde *         12.2
15. Daddy Daughter Day(August & April Monday)- SCCW *  10.2

E-Fed Rankings

Results up to February 2nd.
Rankings weighted as follows: Singles 75%, Tag Team 25%

1. Empire Pro Wrestling (F-Wrestling)    26.7
2. All-Star Championship Wrestling        24
3. New Era (CWC, F-Wrestling)    19.4
4. High Impact Wrestling (Experts)        19.1
5. Viking Wrestling Federation (Experts) 18
6. Universal Wrestling Federation 17.7
7. High Octane Wrestling (WfWA) 16.1
8. New Frontier Wrestling (F-Wrestling)  15.4
9. Wrestling Midwest (WfWA)      14.1
10. Totally Fictional Wrestling Federation (Experts)     13.7
11. PRIME (PTC)     13.2
12. Sin City Wrestling (Experts)    12.8
13. Action Packed Wrestling (Experts)    12.6
14. Wrestling Championship Federation  12.1
15. Dream Wrestling Federation (WfWA) 10.8
16. Xtreme World Wrestling         10.6
17. Millenium Wrestling Association       10.4
18. Simcoe County (Experts, CWC)        9.5
19. A 1 Entertainment       8.3
20. Motor City Wrestling    7.2
21. Siberian Wrestling (Experts)   7
22. Genesis Pro       6.5
23. Pure Wrestling   6.2
24. Pro Wrestling Fury       5.5
25. Pro Wrestling X (WfWA)        5.4
26. Global Division of Wrestling   5.3
27. Championship Wrestling Organization        4.5
27. Sin City Championship Wrestling (PTC)      4.5
29. Defiance (WfWA)         4.4
29. Shootfire Pro Wrestling          4.4
29. TAWA (CWC)    4.4

January 20, 2010

E-Wrestler Rankings- January 18th

There are a couple changes in the e-wrestler rankings. Going forward, the men and women’s categories have been combined into one ’singles’ category. Two, the rankings will come out every other week.

Here’s how we do it.

TYPICAL MATCH
+2 win, -3 loss
+5 additional- top title win, -5 additional- top title loss
+3 additional- secondary title win, -3 secondary title loss
+1 additional- successful title defense

PPV MATCH
+5 win, -5 loss
+5 additional- top title win, -5 additional- top title loss
+3 additional- secondary title win, -3 secondary title loss
+3 additional- successful title defense

+3 win in 3-way match, -2 loss in 3-way match
+4 win in 4-way and up match, -1 for loss
+5 win in 10 person and up match

-2 Inactivity

Single’s wrestling involved in tag team match
+1 win, -1 loss

Tag Team Top 20
20. 6.2 Dream Warriors(Dark Ninja/Psycho)- nbW *
20. 6.2 Scott DiBiase/Jason Lee- VWF *
16. 7.2 Feature Presentation(Presley Hylton/Noah Morgan)- GDW *
16. 7.2 Changes in Spades(Nitz Donnelly/Vance Raymes)- PRIME *
16. 7.2 New Confederacy(Johnny Reb/Doc Henry)- WCF *
16. 7.2 Steve Studnuts/Zeleos- XWW *
-it’s good to see Steve Studnuts, the guy with the best name in e-wrestling, back with Xtreme World Wrestling
15. 8.0 Public Utilities(Big Oil/Big Electric)- PCW
13. 8.2 Ambrosia/Vitriol- MCW *
13. 8.2 Mike Omen & Kryst- VWA *
11. 9.2 Twisted Reality(Scottywood/Cancer Jiles)- HOW *
-Jiles holds the distiniction of making the top 20 with two different teams.
11. 9.2 Commonwealth Connection(Chester Addison/S.G. Martins)- TFWF *
10. 11.2 Baseball Furies(The Slugger/Joey Bats)- PWFire *
8. 12.2 Team Danger(Stephen Greer/Tyrone Walker)- WfWA * Appalachian
8. 12.2 Damage Inc.(Dante/Jared Baker)- MWA *
7. 16.0 Hollywood Wrecking Crew- NFW
6. 17.2 ‘No Frills’ Chris Escondido/’American Citizen’ Kevin Scott- PCW *
5. 18.0 The Entourage (Spike Saunders/Callie Urban)- FWO
4. 19.0 The Anthology(Jared Wells & Larry Tact)- EPW
3. 19.2 Heirs of Wrestling(Ryan Gallway & Frank Pierce)- ACW *
-Heirs of Wrestling sighting over at Empire Pro Wrestling
2. 20.0 Vox Nihili (Alias & Karina Wolfenden)- FWO
1. 26.2 Egg Bandits(Doozer/Cancer Jiles)- DWF *

E-Wrestling Top 30
28. 13.2 Cameron Cruise- EPW NFW A1E *
28. 13.2 Hell- Pure Wrestling *
28. 13.2 Georgie Nickles- PWR, Experts * SCW
27. 14.1 Hecate- WMW **
25. 14.2 Jonny Briggs- Evolution *
25. 14.2 Naoki Fukuda- PWFury *
24. 15.0 Serena- UWF
23. 15.1 Mr. Entertainment- WFW:NE ** A1E
22. 15.2 Scarlett Willis- Simcoe County *
21. 16.1 Felix Red- WFW:NE ** EPW NFW
20. 16.2 ‘Triple X’ Sean Stevens- EPW *
19. 17.2 Jason Snow- PRIME *
18. 18.2 Cecile Lecrux- Siberian Wrestling *
17. 19.1 Johnny Styles- HIW **
16. 20.2 Jim Rooster- Genesis Pro *
13. 21.2 Aceldama- HOW *
13. 21.2 Bryan Payne- SCW *
13. 21.2 Mr. Fantastic- VWF*
11. 23.2 Keith Scott Zimmerman – FWO * ACW
11. 23.2 Chester Addison- HIW * TFWF
10. 24.2 Brad Jackson- MWA * PWX *
-’The Dark Horse’ Jackson started off 2010 in grand style winning the top titles in both Millenium Wrestling Alliance and Pro Wrestling X
9. 27.1 Katherine Stryfe- HIW **
8. 29.0 Kirsta Lewis – HOW
7. 30.2 Joe the Plumber- NFW *
6. 32.1 Myke Adams- Simcoe County **
5. 32.2 Alias – ACW FWO *
4. 35.2 Valora Salinas- WMW *
-WMW’s Queen of Extreme turned in her Ace Superior belt for Wrestling Midwest’s top belt- the Great Lakes title
3. 37.2 Level One- APW * Experts
2. 38.1 Alexia- VWF **
-’The Goddess’ kicks off 2010 by winning Viking Wrestling Federation’s Intercontinental title from Matt Arcara
1. 44.2 Shawn Jessica Hart – LoC * EPW ** WFW:NE * ACW
-huge win in End Game Battle Royale at All-Star Championship Wrestling’s End Game Supershow propels Hart to the top

Older Posts »

Powered by WordPress